| Oh dear me yes Karion, it all makes sense in the manner of not making sense, that is, when I think I've climbed another hill, I find myself back at the bottom somehow. WTF! How did THAT happen?
I've been giving in to all my desires (some food related, some not!) during this holiday and to justify this (because we addicts are just SOOOOOOO good at justifying) I whisper to myself "once I get home (to reality) I'll revert to 'normal eating'". Yes, really, I honestly believe that too. It's not going to happen though unless I do some work to 'make it so'.
I've had a lot of time to think during this trip 'up north', and some of the time has been spent dwelling on negative thoughts which have been threatening to overpower at times. I want to communicate this to hubby but feel far to ashamed to admit that I feel such a failure on every level. I think back to the time when I was doing LL and the wonderful feelings of well-being and wish I could feel like that again. At the moment I am fighting hard and struggling against the negative feelings, but feel that am merely shoving them under a carpet where they bulge menacingly. For a while it's ok, it's a bit of breathing space.
However, the good news is that I know it will get better because, at some point, all this hard learning will eventually begin to pay off. It's just that, like coming to terms with grief, you have to actually go through the whole long and painful process whether you want to or not. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could sleep for X number of years and wake up when the worst has happened, and we're feeling better, and more able to cope. Sigh.
I am on the last leg of our tour of the North East of Scotland and we have travelled as far north as Dornock (where hubby used to go with parents and caravan). Apparently Madonna got married at the local church. At the moment I am sitting in a cafe in Aberdeen, called Books'n'Beans. Much recommended. Help! Time is running out.... got to go!
Good luck to all those who are struggling! You only fail when you give up!
AJ |