'Thin John' and 'Fat John' 8 weeks on
Posted 15th March, 2009 at 08:28 AM by Craftyfox
This entry is about the psychological aspect of my WLS which I did not recognise was even a problem until week five, when I had lost over four stone and I decided to clear out my wardrobe of all the baggy clothes to look for ones that fitted me better.
In the past I would have put the old clothes away, just in case I needed them again, but now I know that I can chuck them away for good and I will never require them, ever.
What went in the bin? My trusty old summer shorts, those comfortable pairs of trousers I always wear, that pullover I feel great in and many, many more clothes that have always been with me and are a part of my life and are BigJon.
I know I’m a man and I should be ashamed to admit this, but I sat on the bed and wept uncontrollably, you see, I was saying goodbye to someone I’ve known for forty five years and although he had given me pain and discomfort all this time he had also comforted me when times were not so good, he was of course ‘Fat John’.
I’ve been back at work now for two weeks, the routine of life is coming back to normal and I’m beginning to realise the changes that WLS has brought. The normality of everyday has made me understand that food was such a big part of my life, I don’t think there were many moments in a day when I wasn’t thinking or planning when and what I was going to eat and all that has gone forever.
I can only eat, at any one time, as much food as would go on a sandwich plate and that takes about forty minutes to consume, so my “Olympic Breakfast” at the Little Chef has stopped, a full portion of Fish and Chips is out of the question, a big thick doorstep sandwich of any kind is a thing of the past, transport cafes that serve huge and delicious meals, I just drive straight past now, Sunday dinner is something the rest of the family look forward to and lots of other past enjoyments have ended, what I do eat has to be taken so slowly and in such small pieces that eating seems something I have to do to stay alive, rather than something to enjoy.
So you can see that my life has changed dramatically now that ‘Fat John’ is no longer able to help me through the bad times and I have to think hard about what to do to fill the void that is left behind.
Yes it’s great to have lost a lot of weight and to know that eventually I will be a normal, slim person and I feel so much more energetic and manoeuvrable, but I won’t be ‘BigJon’ any more or that ‘Fat bloke with the Beard’ I’ll just be ‘Mr Ordinary’ and although part of me is happy about that, another part is very sad that this huge part of my life, as unpleasant as it may have been, nevertheless has gone forever.
So ‘Thin John’ and ‘Fat John’ are still there, one is joyous about the fitness and wellbeing that WLS has brought, the other depressed about losing the past and the comfort that eating can bring.
But I’m very glad I did it.
In the past I would have put the old clothes away, just in case I needed them again, but now I know that I can chuck them away for good and I will never require them, ever.
What went in the bin? My trusty old summer shorts, those comfortable pairs of trousers I always wear, that pullover I feel great in and many, many more clothes that have always been with me and are a part of my life and are BigJon.
I know I’m a man and I should be ashamed to admit this, but I sat on the bed and wept uncontrollably, you see, I was saying goodbye to someone I’ve known for forty five years and although he had given me pain and discomfort all this time he had also comforted me when times were not so good, he was of course ‘Fat John’.
I’ve been back at work now for two weeks, the routine of life is coming back to normal and I’m beginning to realise the changes that WLS has brought. The normality of everyday has made me understand that food was such a big part of my life, I don’t think there were many moments in a day when I wasn’t thinking or planning when and what I was going to eat and all that has gone forever.
I can only eat, at any one time, as much food as would go on a sandwich plate and that takes about forty minutes to consume, so my “Olympic Breakfast” at the Little Chef has stopped, a full portion of Fish and Chips is out of the question, a big thick doorstep sandwich of any kind is a thing of the past, transport cafes that serve huge and delicious meals, I just drive straight past now, Sunday dinner is something the rest of the family look forward to and lots of other past enjoyments have ended, what I do eat has to be taken so slowly and in such small pieces that eating seems something I have to do to stay alive, rather than something to enjoy.
So you can see that my life has changed dramatically now that ‘Fat John’ is no longer able to help me through the bad times and I have to think hard about what to do to fill the void that is left behind.
Yes it’s great to have lost a lot of weight and to know that eventually I will be a normal, slim person and I feel so much more energetic and manoeuvrable, but I won’t be ‘BigJon’ any more or that ‘Fat bloke with the Beard’ I’ll just be ‘Mr Ordinary’ and although part of me is happy about that, another part is very sad that this huge part of my life, as unpleasant as it may have been, nevertheless has gone forever.
So ‘Thin John’ and ‘Fat John’ are still there, one is joyous about the fitness and wellbeing that WLS has brought, the other depressed about losing the past and the comfort that eating can bring.
But I’m very glad I did it.
Total Comments 8
Comments
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What a lovely, honest, heartfelt post John. Leaving the fatsuit behind so quickly must be hard to come to terms with.
You will be able to eat some of the things you enjoy again (in moderation)
Keep blogging John. You have a wonderful writing style and I for one cant wait to read more. Blogging could become your new "addiction"Posted 15th March, 2009 at 08:36 AM by Sambucca
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Ditto Sam!
Fat John has been your comfort blanket, John. Now he's going (gone!) you will feel a little 'cold'.
'Slim John' will slowly gain confidence and feel warm in his own right. You will be experiencing new things, both physiological and psychological and that is a bit scary.
Take one day at a time, one thing at a time. And what's this 'I know I'm a man' malarkey, eh? You are human and have the capacity to feel emotion. Like yourself, love yourself.
I look forward to meeting you in person one day, because Fat or Slim, your soul won't change and you seem to have a good one
Keep marching on Crafty!Posted 15th March, 2009 at 09:15 AM by Brunetteandred -
Read the first blog too and so glad things are going well. Just wanted to say, you are still JOHN - not fat or thin, but YOU. And you will have a lot more time to enjoy being him, to live life to the full, do crazy, adventurous things, take risks, see the world... it's all there for you. Make every second count.
Happiness was never really found in an Olympic brekky, the same way I failed to find it in endless sugar binges. It was inside you all the time. I think it just takes our heads a little while to catch up with our bodies... and realise the person inside is still you!
Well done... and thanks for sharing.
xxxPosted 15th March, 2009 at 09:16 AM by Katycakes 
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Found this very interesting John. Must be honest, it's something I've thought of myself - wondering how I will feel about saying goodbye to the 'old' me. It's good to read, though, that you are still glad you did it - that says it all, really.Posted 18th March, 2009 at 09:42 PM by WeightlossWannabee -
the fact that we lose weight quite slowly is giving me the opportunity to reassess things on a daily basis and slowly come to terms with who I am now compared to who I was when I was in my early 30s, the experiences of the last 15 years have changed me completely so it is a big process.Posted 20th March, 2009 at 08:42 AM by josaje -
Hiya John
I totally agree, I feel like I'm grieving for something I have lost and that is food. I never fancy anything to eat cuz its such a chore and to make things worse I aint losing cuz I aint eating enough. This is hard and I have to re-evaluate my eating habits big time cuz what I'm doing at the moment aint good. How do you change habbits of a lifetime though?
HELP any advice welcomed. Allie. xxxxxxxx
Posted 21st March, 2009 at 09:32 PM by waynetta -
OMG, what a blog, it brought tears to my eyes, its mad how something that is a plague in our lives and brings us nothing but misery can still have a hold on us even when its gone, I really hope this 'feeling' soon goes away and you can start to enjoy the 'new John'
Kate x xPosted 11th June, 2009 at 05:14 PM by vanilla_cupcake - just read this updated blog... hope I find another update on the site after this one... greatPosted 25th January, 2011 at 11:36 PM by Impact113
