Marie's diary!!!!!

[dazzler5]

I don't actually start cd until wednesday...well thats when i meet the cdc for the first time i am hoping to start thursday first thing...is it sad to say i am really excited???

I have decided to keep a diary and am going to start way back when my food problem started......


Well what can i say...i have never been small...i don't know what thats like!!! lol lol but i would really like to try it!!!y

As a child my mom only cooked two types of food...cooked dinner-everything roasted or with added fat-no vegetables,or something deep fried or oven baked with chips!!!

To say that i had a limited diet was an understatement but for a long time that is what i thought was normal...it was all i knew after all but as i grew older i knew it wasn't and started to take control of my diet.

From the age of nine i was the main carer for my sister because she was a late 'mistake' and my mom could not cope so i had to grow up fast and i was a very lonely overly serious girl whose only comfort was food :-(

When i was 17 and at college training to be a nursery nurse i went on the super slim diet and lost 4 and a half stone and got down to ten stone still eating a very limited diet...jacket potato or salad lol lol lots of variety huh?This was the lowest i had been for years and for the first time in my life i felt in control of my life and even a little pretty.

It was at this group that i met my husband to be......

I will add more tomorrow of my journey to where i am now i think it is important for me to write down all that has happened even if no-one reads it or responds because it will help me to let go of the past and move on without the baggage to a bright new slim future!!!

[kazbro]

hi marie
wanted to wish you lots of luck
you will do this
you are starting on the same day of the week as me
i see my cdc every wednesday
it`s like you say it wont be easy but once you see them pounds dropping of you`ll stick to it o.k

good idea to keep a diary aswell it keeps me motivated so i`m sure it`ll do the same for you

kaz xx

[debz32]

Hellooooo Marie - lovely to meet you - and WELCOME to Minimins

look forward to getting to know you...and hearing about all your successes !

good luck for your CD start tomorrow....

love

Debz xx

[dazzler5]

Thank you Debs and Kaz for your kind words i am going to write everything down as a sort of self therapy lol lol if it bores people they can stop reading lmao

Oh well where was i ....

After i met my husband to be at a slimming club(oh the irony) we were inseperable until i went to work in londn as a nanny when i was 18..we got enegeged before i left and still talked every day and saw each other every2-3 weeks....i was very lonely and within 6 months i was pregnant and coming home to get married!!!

At 18 this was all quite overwhelming but with a very religous and staright laced family it was the only way we had to get a home straiht away as we had no where to live because i had moved out and andys mom was getting divorced and had a new boyfriend who did not like kids...

It was hard we had a rented house a single bed mattress a 14 year old t.v. (the sort with the wooden surround!! lol lol) 2 plates knives fors spoons and a saucepan we really had nothing lol lol i had used all my money that i had saved on the church wedding my parents insisted on :-( we really had nothing but for the first time in my life i felt loved and not lonely anymore :-)

The pregnancy was not a good one and i was in hospital for 3 months with extremely high blood pressure....both myself and the baby nearly died but everything worked out and he was erfect and andy was the best dad in the world i was so happy even if i was still ill afterwards and andy had to quit his job to help me recover and look after drew.

We were warned i may not be able to have any more children 5% chance but i did not care we had a perfect little boy and i was getting better all the time...i could not go for my check up for 18 weeks due to complications and when i did....i was 4 weeks pregnant!!!!!!! I was so shocked my bllod pressure was already rising and i spent the next 9 months flat on my back in bed to protect my baby.

It was another boy...james perfect again now we were complete they were so well behaved i had to wake them to feed them they slept through the night ...i was so lucky.....or so i thought.......

[Karen]

look forward to getting to know u thru ur diary and other posts. good luck! xxxxxxxxxxx

[peachy1982]

Oh good luck marie,
I am really enjoying your little tale of life
peachy
x

[dazzler5]

Thank you peachy and karen i just need to let all the bad stuff out so that i can finally let it all go and move forward...i really need to you can't change the past no matter how hard you try...

Drew was a really happy contented baby who slept a lot .. i had to wake him for his feeds everyone was sooo jealous
:-) James was good also at first then when Drew reached 15 months and James was 2 months things started to change...

My mom and dad had lost their jobs and moved away to banbury with my sister and i was all alone with my babys and husband so felt a bit down especiialy as it took me awhile to recover after having my second son...it had not been easy again and doctors said this time there was less the 5% chance of another baby...

I was upset and stressed and at first thought that caused the change in drew's behaviour...he must of sensed my tension....but as weeks and months went on it became obvious there was something wrong he stopped trying to talk, stopped sleeping then started rocking and running about everywhere until he hit walls then would stand up and run into another...what was happening to my baby????

I was so scared ...at the same time james became very clingy and cried if i did not hold him...i was physically better so andy had to go back to work...my dad offered him a job in banbury...a long way away from walsall and my friends and we took it i wanted my mom!!!

Drew carried on getting worse and james just cried and cried... i got depressed and my family never came round in the end andy quit and we came home to walsall...it was hard no money , home in a really bad area, no family support and what was the matter with my beautiful boys???

I of course blamed myself i must be a bad mum...my husband and i struggled on together for years...we only had each other....and FOOD!!!!!!

We had got much bigger and moved at one point 4 times in one year privete renting...but we hung on to each other and kept going...

Eventually when he was 4 after virtually camping at the LEA offices and making a complete nuiscense of myself drew was diagnosed with severe but high functioning autism...we were warned it can run in the family and to think before we had any more children... at last!!! i was not a bad mom!!! it was not my fault!!! now i could help my baby!!!!

Andy booked in for a vasectomy just in case the doctors were wrong about the chances of pregnancy after all...they had been wrong before...we had too much on our plates to even think about having another child and they said there was a high risk further children could be autistic too...

2 months later andy was booked for his vasectomy... they had not wanted to do it at his age(23) but because of the medical situation made an exception on the monday before his wednesday operation i found out i was pregnant again.....

[dazzler5]

Oh no!!!
Oh well it is d-day today i eet my cdc at 2pm and by toorrow will be on my first cd pack...i hope they are nice...or at least ok!!!

Last night my youngest soncompared me to dawn french whilst watching the vicor of dibly....made me very upset i would much rather be compared to catherine zeta jones lol lol lol

Oh well where was i....

This time as before the preganncy did not go too well and this time i also had the stres of wondering if this baby would be autistic too....it was not good!!! WHEN MATTHEW WAS BORN HE CRIED WHENEVER YOU HELD HIM WOULD NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT AND HAD TO BE FED IN HIS CHAIR!!!!!!

We tried everything...nothing worked ...here we go again...

We still lived in a rough area and drew was being bullied called freak,retard,geek...anything you can think of and was becoming very withdrawn....the last straw was when someone threatened our family and put the windows in...just because my little boy was different!!!!

We got moved to a much better area and drew got into a private specialist school and miracle of miracles matthew the youngest started to smile and develop ....he was going to be ok!!!!

For a while we just plodded on it took both of us at home to manage but togther we did it!!!

Evenually about 2 and 1/2 years ago i decided we had to move on and start moving forward... igot a job workng with disabled adults and started to retrain.

Now i have been back to college and am going back to university in september to train as a social worker...my husband andy is also retraining as a teacher....we are taking control of our lives atlast and now it is time to take control of our weight!!!!

Hope this shows an in sight into my life up to date...i needed to get some of it out and i feel much better now ...i will let you know the result of the meeting and dreaded weigh in!!!

[jane]

what a very moving acount you give.

hope the CDC & you hit it off & am eager to here about your cambridge journey( & your husband's to of course)

[DecemberBride2008]

Hi Marie

I hope your meeting with your CDC goes well.
Doing a diary is a fantastic way for you to express your feelings.

Good Luck with your CD journey. I started mine on Monday
I will keep reading your posts to find out how you're getting on

xx

[dazzler5]

Well the cdc was really really nice...very chatty and quite loud lol lol

So now i will have to bite the bullet and put down the statistics :-(

bust=53 inches
waist=49 inches
hips=60inches(oh my god!!!!)
Thigh=33 inches

weight=20 stone 12 ounces

All this at age 31!!!!!!!!!!

Oh well have to stay positive tomorrow i start my new life as a cd dieter lol lol lol

Hope i like the shakes and can drink all that water !!!!!

[Sambucca]

well done dazzler. Enjoy your last "normal" meal this evening and start guzzling the water from the moment you get up tomorrow.

Try to space your shakes out during the day and find something to keep you occupied for the next 2 - 3 days so you are not distracted by food.

The first few days are the toughest as you will be hungry and will miss food, but once ketosis sets in you will find it much easier. Dont cheat and you will have a fantastic loss in your first week.

GOod Luck
Sam

[jane]

I just want to say i agree with the previous poster!

stay away from the fridge, take smelly baths,gentle walks,Read books,come on line, but most of all remember that once you're over the first few days or so it just gets SOOO GOOD.

[missymoo]

Dazzler you will do great, loads of support here so just keep coming on and posting ... Ive practically lived here since joining a week ago .. lol

[dazzler5]

Well its day one!!!

Drank some water....yuck yuck yuck!!!! I really hate water i have never drank it raw like that in my life hahahaha

Tried it cold..ugh thought i would throw up!!!

Tried it tepid...not as bad...can cope ...yay!!!!

Are there anything better ?? This is tap water tastes metal like...is fizzy, bottled, filtered any better????? Answers on a postcard please!!!! lol lol

Had 3 glasses and it is 9:13...is that good/ok?

First shake was chocolate mint...it was good!!!! Yay yay yay i was really really worried lol lol lol tried it cold but think warm would be better next time ....like a nice hot chocolate yum yum!