I don't know if I should use this a a diary to vent but it will stop me from wanting to eat when I am so very, very angry. I realised today that I just cannot be heard. I believe that is why I have over eaten. It seems like a cliche to say that I 'have stuffed my face to stuff my feelings' but I realised that today that is true. I am a teacher, so ironically I am 'heard' all of the time but as a person with feelings most definitely not. Today has been a painful day emotionally to face that situation and confront subliminal and overt bullying. I say 'confront' because I know I will not. I will adhere to the principles of the great Johnny Depp when he said (when asked about gossip and rumour I believe) 'never complain and never explain'.
I have spent a long time working with a counsellor to address these issues because they are deep-seated and long-standing. Whenever I think I am 'over it' something happens to knock me off my perch and those feelings of loss, loneliness and powerlessness overwhelm me. I am a simple person fundamentally. I don't understand office politics or games. I am not cool or popular or even some might say very interesting; but what I am is level-headed, determined, focussed, loyal, kind and have a strong sense of integrity. These qualities are pretty boring I know but they are who I am. I have always been good. I ate to preserve other people's feelings, I do the tasks that are asked of me by the deadline set and ask for help if I can't meet a deadline for a reason.
What I cannot do is be heard. I cannot get my emotional needs met and I cannot seem to get love. I know that love must come from within and I must love myself before anyone else will love me. The dichotomy and irony of this is that i wish to be seen (at 18 stone 5 who cannot see me!!) but i wish that i could be really seen for what goodness must be there.
I really do wonder if being fat makes my voice impenetrable? is it because I am a 'big girl' or obese that my voice is invalid or makes my plight less palatable because I am a fat girl and subconsciously fat=unimportant or inconsequential. I have never been skinny. I have never had (thank god) the health problems associated with obseity (so far..) and yet I do not know what I would look like at a normal weight or how people would respond to me. Will I cope with the 'god you've lost weight' comments and the 'you look so much better/slimmer/healthier'? I am afraid to lose weight because I may be seen, or worse still, I may still be invisible. Will my voice be heard if I become physically acceptable? How will I cope if it is not and the reality is that it is just me; fat or slimmer who is unworthy enought to say what I feel?
I wonder about those people who 'have a strop' and get satisfaction. Do I want to be them? Those people who seem to attract support and advocacy without doing very much... those people who attract warmth and sympathy and even affection without seemingly having to earn it. How could I be that person?
Today has just made me very sad. I feel unappreciated and unvalued, criticised and misunderstood. I think that being misunderstood is such terrible feeling - I am unable to be me. Somehow, being me isn't acceptable and I need a new 'face' literally and metaphorically to find a sense of fitting in and belonging. When did this happen that the great cliche of 'just be yourself' really does not mean that? Why am I so stupid to have missed the memo?
My CWP consultant is away this week so I am doing 810 for 2 weeks without a weigh-in. It is surprisingly easy to do which is good. I can't let this diet define me because that will be a shame but the diet will give me a body that I can learn to like and maybe even love.
Thank you for reading. Maybe this is my voice?
xxx
