O/T Family Dilemma...What do you guys think I should do?

[kellymundy]

I've posted this on a different forum to but I really value your opinions guys:
My husband had just gone the his cousins daughters christening this morning taking our daughter with him. I have refused to go because my SIL will be there.
(back story) 2 years ago said SIL decided that she didn't like me telling her then 10 year old child not to scream at my daughter (then 7) just because she didn't like her winning on a computer game. Her child then started yelling at me telling me if I didn't mind my own business 'you know what I'll do', to which I sarcastically answered (in hindsight maybe slightly wrong) 'you'll go off and sulk as normal until you get what you want'. SIL didn't like this response and decided not only did I need a good swearing at session I also needed to be pinned against the wall by my throat infront of both my kids and hers (lovely family my husband has!).
Since then I have refused to be in the same room as a woman who I feel physically threatened by and am obviously very uncomfortable with my child being near her. I would let this go if she would just apologise but from my understanding she still believes what she did was right and I was the one out of order so that's never going to happen.
The problem I have is that when my MIL invites us to family functions I tell her I will go as long as SIL is not going, which she always is. My BIL doesn't like to be told his wife can't come to things, which I do understand, especially as he wasn't there when the original arguement happened, so he refuses to come without her, again I do understand this. My problem is that I don't understand why my husband, who quite readily admits she was the one completely in the wrong (he was there and got her off of me), will go to these things without me!
I know it's his family and he wants to see them and be included, but I feel very agrieved (sp?) that his brother stands by his wife even though he knows it probably was her fault (not her first physical assult on someone!!!) yet my husband doesn't seem to care about how I feel.
Sorry I know I'm waffling on at you guys but I really needed to get this all off my chest.

[dotti]

Hi KM, I can sort of identify with your problem. My daughter's partner is a complete pig and treats her very badly. He has a large family who always defend his outrageous behaviour and my daughter doesn't really speak to them anymore. However, they have two children with birthdays coming up soon and want to throw a party for them. Her partner's family will all be there but I have refused to go. I obviously don't want to miss my grandchildren's birthday's and have thought perhaps I am being childish about it all but I just cannot go.

I think you are right to stick to your guns. You are owed an apology at the very least. No matter what was said between you and the children nothing excuses your SIL using physical intimation. How must this have effected the children present and what sort of message does it send to them!

It is however your hubby's choice to go or not, I am sure that he is going for his mum's benefit and not because he thinks that you are in the wrong. Perhaps you could have a BBQ at your house now the weather is getting better and then you can see the rest of the family but not invite your SIL? Is there anyone that can act as a mediator between you both? Although this will only work if she is prepared to apologise which it doesn't sound as if she is!

I wouldn't spend too much energy worrying about it. You were wronged and if you back down she will think that she was right and possibly do it again to someone else!

Hope you feel better soon!

[Soel]

Hi, I didn’t want to read and run, but it’s hard to know what to say. That said, my instant reaction was if I was you, I would never be in the same room as my SIL again either. In fact I don't think I would let my daughter go anywhere where she was going to be either. I know that all families are different, but by condoning this sort of behaviour it is enforcing the view that it is acceptable to resort to violence.

On the other hand, playing devil’s advocate here, maybe the best thing that you can do is go to these family dos, hold your head up high, and show them that can rise above this behaviour. Perhaps you are not alone in your belief that your SIL’s behaviour was appalling and maybe you have a number of allies in the family that you are not aware of at the moment?

I can see why you feel that your husband is not supporting you, but perhaps he doesn’t see it that way. He may just think that he is going to see his family and not understand the implications of his actions for you.

Sorry if this is confusing advice, as I say it’s hard to know what to do for the best.

Take care and good luck on CD by the way - you're doing fab!

[Kellybeeb]

I am in a similar situation but with my actual sister (though i dont like to think of her as any relation of mine!)

I havent been in the same room as her for near on 4 years and I have told my whole family I dont want her name mentioned any where near me.

I will NEVER see her again no matter what she is an evil vindictive and horrible person to be around why should i chose to be around people like that?

I think your doing the right thing by stayign away from er somaybe just have a word with your hubby and tell him how you feel, maybe he could tlak to his sister and tell her to stay well away from you at family gatherings?

[kellymundy]

What really gets my goat is that I love all my hubbie family dearly but I know she can't stand them! My SIL is from the sort of family that thinks their better than everyone else evn though they're actually botton of the pile social leaches that live off society like they're owed something (sorry, not bitter much!).