The Last Re-start!
I've decided to jump in with both feet and start my own diary thread; I'll try to be consistent because I find Minimins such a useful tool on those days that the 'mind is willing but the body is weak'. I'll try not to bang on about food because that is so hard to read when you're trying to stick to SS 100%. I hope this diary is some use to others as well: maybe you can identify with some of my challenges along the way .
So. Here I am. A self-aware woman, an adoring mother, a loving daughter, and (I reckon) an amazing friend. So what could possibly be wrong with this picture? To the outside world I'm funny, accomplished and up for a challenge so why am I here at 19 stone? But wait! Every good story starts with a 'Beginning'... I wasn't born overweight; I didn't thud into this world like a baby hippo with bingo wings and Buddha's stolen fat tummy.... so again: why? Why am I nearly EIGHT stone over weight? I had my fifteen year old son at the age of 23 and dropped the baby weight instantly ... so what happened? My ex-husband happened. Now I know that is hugely over simplified, because I've come to believe I had a tendency to be an 'Emotional Overeater' anyway so his infidelity, mental and emotional abuse and general ass-y-ness (ahem, excuse the made up word!) simply led to and reinforced a psychological calculation that has been killing me slowly ever since:
I was fit (size 10/12) despite having had a baby six weeks before + I was pretty + I did what my parents said and got a fabulous degree + I had an engaging mind + I had a loving heart but all of that equalled = being married to a man with his own serious issues that fatherhood turned into a monster of epic proportions overnight.
So my genius level brain came up with a solution that looked like this:
Eat + eat + eat = get fat: which meant be unattractive and get safe from this man QUICK.
My inner child hit on the most simplistic of solutions; I couldn't not be a mother to my little 'Sunshine', I couldn't be less smart (tried that when 'He' mocked my degree and intelligence - it didn't work. I can't not be me), I couldn't turn off my soft heart, but I could insulate myself and stop him looking my way .... I divorced that sucker with pride thirteen years ago: I need to tell my inner child the war is over.
I say all this because I was going to make this diary all airy fairy giggles for 'stranger consumption' but lets be real. No. Really: lets all be real on here; as real as it gets. You don't know me, and I don't know you. I've never been to your home, I don't know your favourite colour, nor first pets' name, but I know YOU. each and every person on here wants to live a better life, a better, healthier, whole life. Your stories are my stories. There's an old saying: 'An army marches on it's stomach' well unless soldiers break dance to the front lines, I say poo on that. This weight loss army on here marches in lock step with their friends. I won't 'Un-friend' you (stupid word) for being 20 stone, for slipping off the 'diet' train, for having a bad day, for being cross at yourself, for having a 'cheat/treat/timeout' and you won't unfriend me for being human.
A couple of weeks ago a massive change started in my thinking. You see I had: started on Lipotrim in 2007, switched to Cambridge Diet in 2008, reached goal in 2009, moved house and county in 2010 and regained all the weight lost, constantly dabbled/struggled/fought back to CD SS, got a stone from goal in 2011, had a burst ovarian cyst 2011, was diagnosed with a teratoma on my left ovary December 2011, and lost my beloved and adored Dad in 2012. Here's the realisation I had in September 2013: If not now, when? I can only be me; everyone else is taken. So which 'me' would I like to see when I look in the mirror?
Being fat (lets call a spade a spade) has cost me: my job (I'm now suffering periodic bouts of epic haemorrhaging - TMI but worth mentioning all the same - which make it impossible to continue my four hour commute to work), lost opportunities to be social, embarrassment, a man I really (and I mean reeeeeally) liked, promotions (too shy/ lacking confidence and that dynamo spirit) and years of not being the best me I could be in this world. Losing my father taught me that there are no 'do-overs', no second chances to get this one life right and no guarantees about tomorrow. I have today. This second. This moment. This shake. This cup of water. To get me to where I want to be. Life will still suck at times - but I won't be fat; there will still be battles - but I won't be fat; the recession will still make me have to ration my heating and stand slack jawed in Morrisons marvelling that the prices have had a quantum leap overnight (since when did corned beef and tuna become luxury items!!???!) - but I won't be fat. I can have my surgery - because I won't be fat. Challenge my Sunshine to a game of footy - because I won't be fat. Hop on a plane to 'sunshiny-beach-anywhere' without luggage that weighs more than the England Rugby team - because I won't be fat. Change my career and live my dreams - because I won't be fat..... you get the idea
So. 11lbs down and 106lbs to go, but I can do this; because I have to. I want to start living. I'm a recovering 'Food Addict'. Yes, I said it. And why does any addict become addicted to abusing themselves and over indulgence? Because I did. Simple as that. Yes I adore savoury food, yes I was abused by a bully in some fashion, yes, yes, yes. But I have a challenge all other addictions don't: I need to eat to stay alive. So I have to retrain my brain: food isn't pleasure, it's not comfort, it's not my friend, it's not my reward and it's not my solace. It is simply fuel to power this amazing machine I was gifted with ....
Here I go!
Last edited by Beverley75 : 22nd October, 2013 at 10:03 PM
Another day 100% SS! Whooo hoo! :-) I'm thrilled .... it's hard to get back in the groove sometimes, but I snatched victory from the jaws of my own 'self defeating' mind. I made a lovely cottage pie for the 'Sunshine Boy' and managed not to nibble (under the guise of 'tasting' you understand) ..... Quick sidebar: is it only me but the deeper I go into SS territory I turn into Nigella Lawson and start producing Michelin worthy dinners for my family!? Tres odd! Lol
Anywhooo. 2 days down, 65 more to go .... I'm going for gold and planning on losing 2 stone for Christmas. I've got a works do on the 22nd November, but I'll be Sole Sourcing it.... I know myself and I dare not even have a morsal of food or I'll have a heck of a slog to get back in ketosis. Truth be told, it sounds crazy, but I may not even break SS for Christmas day .... I've got an appointment with fate!
Be good xx
Oh my goodness! There is a God..... and she's fantastic!
Day 3 SS and in ketosis!!!! Hooray
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..
Lol, thanks Viita! Don't worry: my little legs are swimming furiously under this calm surface
Having a good day - so glad I'm in ketosis and burning stored fat ... That always gives me a boost of determination. I just have to stop peeing on the ketostix every minute as they're not all that reliable!
How's your day going hon? Hang in there and we'll both get to goal x
I just had a long leisurely bath and noticed that (a) I wasn't doing my imitation of a beached whale - I actually had room to wiggle about! And (b) shaved my legs with comfort (told you this diary would be 'real' lol) ..... I'm still waiting for that Happy day when my belly sticks out less than my boobs though
3 shakes down, one to go. Even managed to watch my Sunshine Boy gobble up some kfc without the urge to wrestle him to the ground and mug him for a drumstick! Ha. BIG improvement believe me - but I really am working on my mental addiction to comfort eating .... So far, so good.
Looking forward to day 5 and my self imposed weigh in.
Last edited by Beverley75 : 22nd October, 2013 at 06:15 PM
Blimey! Really struggled to get down the last Shake of the evening .... wasn't hungry but told myself I have to be rigid and stick to schedule. Doesn't help I feel a bit constipated too (tmi I know, but we're still being 'real', right?)
I'm turning into a bit of a Minimins obsessive, I surf all these posts while I have my shakes, all family and friends are under strict orders to not talk to me while I take time out to have my shakes : no more 'unconscious eating' where I gobble food in a blink then feel hungry an hour later because I didn't take the time to quietly sit down and 'eat' a meal :-) Some fantastic diaries and posts on here.
Bring on day 5!
This morning's weigh in: 5lbs lost!!!!!
That's 16lbs since the 3rd October
I thrilled x
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- Rep Power
Start Date: 21/05/2014
Goal Date: As soon as possible!
Well done! You are really doing great! Ketosis is wonderful. I can so relate to it being easier to shave legs in the bath...lol...before my 4 stone loss I could barely see my legs (had to lift my fat tummy towards my chest to catch a glimpse of them...lol) nevermind shave them but so many things are easier to do when the weight comes off! I went shopping last night and for the first time in nearly 10 years I am buying size 16 clothes again). I am quite short so will never fit in a 10 but aiming for a 12-14. Pre CWP I was a 20-22. Today I am wearing my size 16 (tight..er) fitting jeggings to work (I used to wear such baggy clothes) and have had so many nice compliments! I'm on week 2 of my re start and week one was a bit up and down but I still lost 3 pounds. Not cheated last week but been very bad with the water. So this week I am making a massive attempt to get all of the water down me. Fingers crossed. I am very much enjoying reading your diary (especially the being real part) as I found that crucial to losing weight. Kidding myself had to stop and I had to face the fact that I wasn't chubby, a bit heavy or curvy, I was plain fat! I'll be following your diary with interest and wishing you the best of luck! x
Hahaha Pink Tulip! Oh the things we've put ourselves through! That gave me a laugh because it's so true ... I was just "big-boned" for years and simply "loved savoury food", didn't so much love the flabby arms nor belly roll constantly hanging over my knickers (believe me ladies and gents: even Merlin didn't have enough magic to keep that bad boy contained! Magic pants my foot).... I've just decided I love me more than food and what a revelation it's been :-)
Thank you so much for (excuse the pun) weighing in. I love stories like yours because each time I've fallen off the path I somehow forget that huge losses and improvements can be made .... It's somehow more 'real' ( that word again!) when people like you share your inspirational stories. And 4 stone is phenomenal. Thank you.
That's a fantastic loss hon, I bet those jeggings feel amazing & you're strutting your stuff! I can't wait :-) I have a whole load of size 18 clothes bought in a delusional phase just waiting for me to show them off. Bring it on!
I hope you have a lovely 100% day xx
Ps: Have you tried filling one of those little 250ml bottles with water? 2 of those for breakfast/all morning, 2 during lunch/early afternoon, 2 during dinner/early evening, and the last 2 to sip all evening .... Et voila: 2 litres downed
Let me know how you get on! "The more you drink, the more you shrink!" xx
The cold! The COLD!!! I forgot the nice bone deep chill you get with the Cambridge Weight Plan! It's probably the reduction in lard around my vitals! Hot baths all around then :-)
Another great day, totally motivated by my 5lb loss.... I can't wait to be one of the Champions that can boast like 80 days Sole Source and X stones lost! It'll come though, I know, slow & steady will win this race. Or at least slow, steady, and COLD lol
Hi there, I've just read your diary and live your down to earth style !
Day 2 for me but I'm here for the long haul so I'm sure we will become buddies.
Fingers crossed your not as cold tomorrow, TBH that and the constant Peeing were firmly at the back of my mind but day 2 and I'm already peeing for Britain and Freezing cold this evening.
Ahhhh the joys but the rewards far out way the negatives x
Likes to post
- Rep Power
Start Date: 21/05/2014
Goal Date: As soon as possible!
I have a pink (it had to be pink when I bought it as it reminds me that once I'm slim I'll be able to wear light and bright colours and not just hide away in dark colours anymore) 1l sports bottle. I try to have one by lunchtime, and another by dinner time with a couple of large cups of coffee in between and that makes up my 4pints a day, and at work I'm great but at home I'm not so great, but I am making a massive effort this week. x
Originally Posted by Beverley75
Oh well done Pink Tulip! You're doing so well!!!! Good luck for your big push this week :-) I'm really looking forward to following your loss xx
I'm feeling soooo tired today (and nice and cold!); keep me posted on how you're getting on - have a great day!
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