Being a LastStarter not a ReStarter
###WARNING MEGA LONG AND POTENTIALLY CONTROVERSIAL###
Okay then - gigantic water bottle at the ready and metric to pounds calculator as well (metric is what I use in my head but it would make no sense to the reader) so let's do this.
I have Beverley75 to thank for motivating me to write this. In the past few years I often thought that if I had had a diary and kept to it I would have found it harder to ummm... "stumble" On the "Get a baby" mission that took a few years and considerable fertility challenges I had a diary and that community helped me to no end.
Let's see when has all of this adventure started? 1978 I guess I was big all along. Not "big", I'm only 5'6" - fat. Not horribly so, I was lucky and it looked slightly proportionate even at my hugest which meant that with the exception of a bully or two I didn't have horribly long lasting effects from being chubby and it didn't prompt me to change. It seemed to not even be an issue with boys so while I have tried all diets under the sun for -chiefly- half arsed attempts and short periods of time here I am in 2009, over 30 and being told by the NHS equivalent in Sweden that we can get on the waiting list but it's no wonder our other IVF attempts didn't work, we're fat and smoking so we need to change that. I came home and cried up in arms that they dared blame our well documented infertility (his fault) on my rolls of flab and vowing to do another private attempt instead. But we were out of money and will to live so a day or two after the indignation I realised they were right. So here I was. January 2009 "honey, we have to give up ciggies and food, let's do it together". I was 280 lbs with a BMI of nearly 50. His was maybe 40. We were chubby and to be fair we were blissfully enjoying life and food together. But yes, we wanted the baby more than the jaffa cakes so we settled on Cambridge. I started writing on here (dig out those embarassing posts if you want to laugh, I took all the before pictures, bought a Wii Fit Balance (I still miss its sound every morning as I stepped on it) and found a consultant (never a real one BTW so J, if you ever get to read this after our first meeting in January, while I am an old hat at Cambridge I am not very lucky to have ever had a consultant's support, they were mostly sellers of packages to me and your "well done" on email a few days ago is more encouragement than any of them provided LOL but KD here was one of my inspirations of all time.)
It was marvellous to do it with the hubby the first time - I attribute the success mostly to that. He lost it fast of course -I was on 3 series of 12 weeks, he was done after 1 and a half and didn't even have to do maintenance right but still annoyingly kept it off but I kept going. Sole Source. Never cheated once. Not even sugar free stuff. Water and 3 shakes. Nearly 8 months. I was nearly at target when I nearly died. My gall bladder literally exploded after having no fat for 8 months and it was bombarding my pancreas with stones - peritonitis - nearly died. Nonetheless my chief concern was how many bags of glucose they were pouring in my veins pre-op!
Here I am at the end of 2009 told not to go back to CD but maybe do something other to lose remaining and maintain so I embark on a gruesome 4-5 months of LowCarb (Protein Power and Atkins) and it was lovely at first - food!!!! but then the weight came off very very hard so when we got called for my IVf appointment I paniked and threw in a few weeks of CD which took me to a BMI they'd like - 22.4 (58 kg - 127 lbs). I looked horrid. Loose skin everywhere, gaunt, like i had cancer and having a niggly feeling I have given myself an eating disorder as my main concern was to get into smaller and smaller of sizes "Can I buy XS next week?!?"
I gained the first 45 lbs during the IVF drugs stimulation already so I was already barely able to move when we found out it worked and I was carrying our absolute miracle. I have then eaten everything. EVERY. THING.
December 2010 baby out I jumped on a scale to see what my long awaited Cambridge starting weight was and I was shocked beyond belief - 300 lbs. My heaviest. 170 lbs heavier in 10 months.
Did I jump straight into Sole Source and became a success story all over again? Like hell I did. I was a new mom and had a new job which meant I had to travel abroad every week and I must have started and failed at Cambridge 30 times in the two years to come. I'd lose a bit then gain a lot and so on.
But I learned a lot in this time:
- I learned that doing CD properly by the book is a million times easier than falling off the wagon every two weeks and that failing doesn't mean I need to finish the contents of my kitchen but I can stop after that wrong nibble and just have a shake. Sounds DUH but not to a food addict.
- I learned I have given myself body dysmorphia - falling off the wagon one night meant I would feel fat, disgusting, self loathing to the highest degree, I would physically see new rolls of flab that I could swear were not there that morning only to have them vanish as soon as I had my shake.
- I learned food NEVER tastes as good as I imagine it will and chasing that perfect, heart stopping, worth-killing-for taste moment is just delusional and self-destructive.
- I learned I can go to the gym - I can! I have a FitBit and have consciently worked on building a habit and 4 months later I was addicted. Me!!!
- I learned I need loads of support (my husband having done it with me really helped, my PA being instructed on what not to book me helped, if I kept to MiniMins it would keep me on track as I need accountability, etc)
- I learned looking small is nice (although as I said in another thread I am sexier when I am heavier) but it's not as important as how much easier and doable everything is when I lose the weight and feeling effortless is worth not looking in a certain fashion.
About 6 months ago I made a decision to walk away from Cambridge -for once went up the steps properly- and promised myself I'd succeed at counting calories and gym-ing more and basically losing the remaining weight to target (a much higher target this time! 165 lbs) the right way around as this is a lifetime commitment and the way forward for the rest of my days. In that sense, being on my second day of Sole Source is a failure, I failed at playing nice with food so it disheartens me when I think maintenance will be hell and I'm a restarter on SS again, blah blah but at the same time even now when I restarted in a panic as I was disgusted with myself I was 218 lbs not the 300lbs I was at the beginning of this post-baby last leg of the race.
So last 50 lbs and maintenance for the last time - here we go. It's on now!
P.S. I am adding some pictures so you guys see what was managed the last time (first 3 are before and afters from 2009 and last one is from a couple of weeks ago) and where we're at now.
Last edited by MissAma : 31st December, 2013 at 10:26 PM
I found you!!..... And what an amazing, inspirational and riveting read.
First off: Congratulations on your baby ; what a blessing. And secondly, the truth of your experiences and the way we Sabotage ourselves with food binges and negative thinking practically screamed at me. I can identify with soooo much of this!
I'm genuinely impressed with your determination to never give up on yourself, and keep fighting for a healthier you (having said that are you going to give some thought to coming up a step - every five weeks or so I think it is, but others probably know better - so you get some fat etc in your diet and avoid the terrifying ordeal of the peritonitis?).
I've just met you, girl and you sound like my 'sister from another mister' lol:
Yes. Yes. Yes! This is ME! This is what the whole 'Christmas experience' has reminded me yet again (seriously, I'm beginning to think I have some kind of amnesiac blindspot when it comes to curbing my wilder 'excessive eating' impulses - do I really forget the acid reflux, bloating and loathsome misery of bingeing? .... And I for sure have had symptoms of body dysmorphia when it comes to not seeing the reality of what's there and panicking if I so much as sniff food! I perpetually feel like I'm one scone away from 20st 5lbs again!)
- I learned food NEVER tastes as good as I imagine it will and chasing that perfect, heart stopping, worth-killing-for taste moment is just delusional and self-destructive.
This has got to stop! We've got to get to goal (a goal we set now, while we're sane and not wanting to get smaller and smaller like the Incredible Shrinking Woman) - do maintenance and with a support network, self awareness and a heck of a lot of prayer stay at goal for life.
So. Here we are: similar goals, both of us on operation 'final restart', and stronger and more determined than ever BRING IT ON!!!!
Ooooh! Sorry I hijacked your thread but I love your self awareness & positivity. I'll be following your journey with excitement... seeing you smash all those goals xx Now, go 'Honk' for your well earned 100% day xx
Last edited by Beverley75 : 27th December, 2013 at 10:51 PM
First off for posterity I have to get this off my chest - I nearly fell off the wagon in the silliest of ways. A piece of fried chicken - I can resist sweets but the smell of meat and the smell of freshly baked bread break me. I smelled it in (I know you Cambridge old hats will recognise the need to sniff everything weirdos that we are!) and nearly bit it! But I managed to walk away from temptation, throw it and then down a liter of water. Very very close- to think I thought I was in ketosis already!
Lest I remember: this pictured here is what works - my Ice shake! I shouldn't kid myself that just about any kind of shake will work, this is what got me through all of those months and what fills me up properly (and tastes good enough to look forward to). Thank goodness the (professional grade ice crusher) shaker still works. It had better, it's the 4th since this while adventure started and it costs an arm and a leg.
Second - Beverley75 (weird to call you that as it's likely far from your name lol) you're really amazing, I think I am having a proper Cambridge buddy girl crush! (but no worries, I am straighter than a straight line) - I was so excited to read your answer to the long story I got on here first thing in the morning! I feel we can absolutely do this together!
I should have said above I have chosen a funny time to do this last push - we're in the middle of moving countries (from Stockholm to Kent) and everything is a loose end right now. Maybe that's not strange then, I just needed the foundation of good old Cambridge - the one thing I can depend on and control.
It's harder today mentally because I lost another 4lbs and I am close to what I was before I felt like I was losing the reigns so my shoulder devil keeps going "Psssttt - you could go back to eating your chicken and just up your exercise" - but he's lying and SuperKetosis will fly in tomorrow and slay him!
Yeah kick his a$$!!!! You have a ways to go, and that devil on your shoulder is that b*st*rd that got you in this mess in the first place (albeit with a lot of dedicated help from yourself).... Please don't give in. You'll be set back a good three days and you're in ketosis! You're already winning!! Remember: the more you move down the road towards success, the easier it is to withstand temptation.
I speak from experience .... I had a disaster last night and didn't swerve from it. I should have. I could have. And I KNOW BETTER than to be around certain folks on DAY ONE!!!!! (my ex aka The Twat) I won't go into detail here as there's nothing worse than hanging on to SS by your finger nails and some greedy so and so moaning about how weak they are lol
Suffice to say I'm mad enough to chew rocks and I am more determined than ever to get to goal *grrr*
A day late but here I am reporting for duty!
"buddy crush"? Hahaha I get it! It means so much to find kindred spirits!!!!! Hello I'm Bev from the fat nation of Greedy-McFat, and I'm here to fight, claw and battle my way to good health and Hallelujah I'm not alone!
Wow. It's all kicking off for you! That's a HUGE move and the logistics stress must be immense - but you've got this.... And as the pounds drop off it'll be one less thing on your to do list. Plus you'll have more energy, sleep better, and be better able to cope with the move (not to mention be lighter on your feet to dodge anything unexpected that crops up!). Hurray for 'life changes'! Girl, you rock!
And I clearly have zero imagination! That is actually my name (and my cat! Lol) Back when we were all on Discovery Home & Health, (before it went down for maintenance and Minimin gave us a new home - hastily set up by her son) there were a lot of folks with just their real names and it kind of stuck. It's too late to think of a good moniker now I'm good and outed lol I worked in IT for 7 years so get the benefits of anonymity (hence I only call my lovely 15 yr old the Sunshine Boy) but ho hum. This is me and my battle, my "Truth" if you will, so here I stand.... (Okay. Calm down Bev, a Spartan you ain't! Lol)
Jeez, your Ice shake looks DELISH!!!!! I have to get regimented again until I'm firmly in ketosis - so that means shakes every 4 hours without fail..... 4pm here I come! How're you getting on today love? xx
I will answer this properly once FirstAndLastBorn calms down a bit bit meanwhile goddamn it I'm hungry and peckish and wanting something. I don't remember any other third day this bad before!!! Kill me!
Day 3 and 4 are usually pretty sucky for me too, but once you're past them you really will be cruising. This too shall pass! I promise. Just power through it and try not to let your emotions lead you to the fridge! You will be stronger and unbothered by food by Monday at the latest.
You can do this hon! No part of the programme will be as hard as these couple of days. Positive vibes & big hugs being sent your way! xx
True - will be fine by Monday and what do a few days matter in the grand scheme of things? I've gulped down not one or two or three but 4 and a half liters of water so far today fighting my hunger - bet I'll see a STS or even a gain day tomorrow because of the water.
- Rep Power
Miss Ama, how nice to *hear* your story. I am behind you 100%! I look forward to following you as the lbs drop off, you did it before-you can do it again
Here's to the new year!
If you do sts because of water retention it'll be off by Monday morning! I doubt you will though so don't lose heart just yet
I'm off to waste some time luxuriating in the bath xx
How'd you get on with weigh in sweetie?
Awww thanks for asking - lost 2 lbs so a total of 14 lbs so far so can't complain on Day 4 of CD
Bubbles - thanks for stopping by and the nice message! The more eyes I have on me the less likely to stumble
14lbs!!?!! That's phenomenal MissA! You're doing so well..... Keep chip chip chipping away and you'll be at goal in no time xx
I am so not doing well babes.... in near tears how many thoughts of "but a few sugar free gums as a NYE treat won't hurt anything!" I had to battle. Every time I sit in a McD cue waiting for the baby's Happy Meal I think them, every time I cook lush dinners for the husband and my brother and sister in law I think it, every time I pass my stash of Wether's Sugar Free I reach - it's mental. Same for a stiff drink. But I can't. I know what a slippery slope it is. I won't have just the NYE treat! I'l reach for some the day after and the day after that and ketosis will vanish, I'll pile on the STS, lose heart, move up to 810 or 1000 just to allow some chicken and then back to square one. Again. And again.
I can't remember it having been so difficult still on Day 5 ever before. I am not physically hungry anymore and frozen and energetic enough to know I am in ketosis but I am peckish and "wanting something nice because hey, why can everyone else have it?!?"
If it weren't for you I would have long given up the ghost - to be fair starting on the 26th of December was upping even my ante and I should have known it's gonna be hell but I didn't have much time left (important thing to do on the 3rd) and needed to get on with it. This is the last push and I can do it but goddamn it it's tougher than ever before.
***End of whine***
***Start of Mega-Whine!***
Whaaa is me - I am having the day from hell... started with a STS (I know it sounds silly and I know why, I overdid it with packing and moving furniture and retained water so still lost but SO disheartening!) and continued with having to give my sick mother the news that we are practically abandoning her for the forseable future in a country she hates and I have been dreading this for three months. It went better than the horror scenarios I was fearing but it meant I didn't drink my water and didn't even have my lunch shake. So I got back home not long ago and we are planning a quiet NYE in just the three of us (we had people over till yesterday but they mercifully left) and I am dreading having to fill the table (tradition/superstition, name it but it has to be done) and wondering how bad would just a night of this or that and some drinking be and how awesome this would taste and that would feel and come on Universe, you owe me some, right?!?!?! and just as I am battling this the Mr makes the mistake to put on a "woe is me" show for having to change a fuse.
I am still -stealth- cooking but we had such a monumental row I told him NYE is off, no cake, coke or booze for him and hid said items. Yes I am that mental
Seething and planning how many times to reject apologies before I give him the bloody booze and let him eat anything. Because the ******* can not like me!
So I added this thread if anyone else feels miserable tonight: http://www.minimins.com/cambridge-di...ml#post6927561 (Raising a Shake glass to the non-fallen angels this NYE)
Lest you forget Ma'am why this FB picture is of shoes only and not of a mini-skirt sequined number AND Louboutins. Because you don't want people to know you're still fat! Next NYE - full body picture and let the likes roll in!
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