Splash

I started my CD journey 20 days ago and didn't initially intend to keep a journal but not having food to soothe myself I've felt restless and unsettled. I guess I need to think about how I got to be this heavy and how I need to change my way of thinking.
So I've been thinking right back to try and see how food got to be so important to me. I feel that I have let life pass me by because rather than being out and about on a sunny day I'd prefer to be watching TV or reading whilst eating as much junk food as my stomach could hold.
So childhood: I was the eldest child of a Mum with mental illness and alcohol addiction. My father was rarely on the scene and when he was he also drank and got violent. I remember my early school days with horror, I wet my bed until I was 10 and only had a weekly bath so you can imagine how I smelt! I rarely had clean clothes and they were never ironed so I was a target for bullies from day 1. Add to that a very shy nature. I didn't know about hygiene and although in those days my Mum did cook a dinner we also ate lots of crisps and Mars Bars and coke. From an early age I used to do the shopping (7ish) and get my mum's cigarettes because she was frightened to go outside.
There was a highlight to my life though and that was my Grandparents. They were only 39 when I was born and every weekend they took us out, fed us properly, bathed us and generally gave us the care and attention that we didn't get at home. My Nan had a walk in larder and 2 freezers. After lunch or dinner we were allowed to help ourselves to whatever we wanted, cakes, biscuits, crisps, ice cream, sweets etc. Well this was heaven to me. I had never felt so safe and loved as I did when Nan was cooking a huge roast and I was sitting with my Grandad watching Laurel & Hardy, stuffing cakes and chocolate. And the picnics they took us on, bags full of sandwiches and sausages and cakes.
As I got older I used to stop at their house for dinner, as Mum was too drunk to cook or too busy with the latest slime ball boyfriend and eventually I moved into my Grandparents home (14yrs). I was a size 16 and much taller than all the the other girls at school. I was a bit of a loner but deep inside I didn't want to be but I didn't know how to change.
Leaving school was wonderful. Mum had moved away (i was glad) and I felt like I had a fresh start. I trained as a Nurse, made friends and at 22 married a man I never fancied or respected because I was desparate to have a home and a family of my own. He also liked a drink and over time became a fully fledged alcoholic. We're now divorced and so I'm a lone parent to 4 kids but have never been happier, except for my weight. I was taunted by some teenage lads who'd been drinking a few weeks ago, they were really abusive and I cried all night afterwards. Then I got angry. I'm fed up with never having felt attractive or sexy, I'm fed up having people look down on me, I'm fed up feeling as though I'm unlovable. I know in my head that it's not true, I had my Nan & Grandad, (now no longer with me) and I have my beautiful children and lovely friends. But I've been fat all my life, size 16 at 12 and a size 26 when I started CD 3 weeks ago. I know that I'm a strong person and succesful person on the outside. Now at the age of 41 I want to feel it inside aswell!
Well this has turned into a jumbled mess of a post but it's how it came out! So to sum up, I don't like not eating, I'm finding it strange to deal with. At the same time I want to change, I can't face a future with me just keep getting bigger and bigger. And a friend wants me and my youngest 2 children to go on holiday abroad next June....and I REALLY,REALLY want to slip into a plane seat without spreading under and over the armrests into the next seats!!!

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icemoose

Hiya Splash

You have done so well to do the first 20 days of the diet and it gets easier and easier from here on in.

Nice to meet you anyway and look forward to watching you shrink.

Mike

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Linda5111

Hi splash, u've done great in such a short time, welldone.

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Splash

Thanks guys, I have'nt thought about any of this stuff for years but I guess it's in me lurking (like I usually do!). Mike I've read your blog and you are truly inspirational and Linda well done on your amazing loss so far.

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DQ

Hey Splash

I know what a big step it is to sit and write all that down, so I applaud you on your bravery. I also want to send you massive congrats on your weight loss so far. You have so much to deal with (and have in the past) but you have decided to grab this opportunity for you, setting a fantastic example for your kids, and making the most of your time.

Hats off to you cos I know it's hard. But you know what? You're not alone - we're here with ya 110%, backing you up, opening a can of when needed, and generally being a bit of a barnacle - you're stuck with it.

Big and looking forward to watching you shrink!

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Splash

Thank you DQ, I'm so glad I found this forum and my lovely CDC!!! I don't intend to give up, no matter how long it takes or how many slips along the way.

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Splash

Well just had my third weigh in and another 2.5 lb gone. Would have liked more but considering my little 'blip' on Thursday evening it's not bad! I'm weighing in on Sundays because I started 8 days before my official CD start and because these are the scales I'll need to use after the diet (can't imagine it ending at the moment!). My motivation is high today, I'm exactly 19 st and want to get in the 18's as soon as possible. My size 26 clothes are positively baggy so I'm going to dig out my 24's today and have a trying on session. My aim is a 14 and I've got a pair of Levi 501's sitting in my wardrobe that won't go past my calf's as yet. When I was 12 I went from a size 14 up to a 16 and I still remember the shame. I was bigger and heavier than everyone else in my family (including the men!) and I always weighed more than my ex husband. So that is one of my goals, to weigh less than my ex who's just under 15st! Funny gaol isn't it? Oh and I should say that I was amazed to find that a size 14 jeans are the same size as my 2 eldest sons who are both well over 6 ft and lovely and slim. Can't believe that in a matter of months I could look that slim!

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DQ

Well done Splash - that's 19 lbs in three weeks, pretty darn good if you ask me!!!

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Linda5111

Hi splash.. welldone on ur w.loss, it's amazing how quickly the weight falls off.. just 9wks ago i was a size 26 now a 20 is loose on me. You cando it..those 14 jeans will soon be on u, keep up the good work.

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MandyB2

Fantastic weight loss so far Splash.. a big well done to you hun

love xxxxxx

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MANDY xxxxxx

MandyB2- Day 271...Need my drive back!!!!!! - Topic Powered by eve community

Splash

Thank you everyone, this is a wonderful site for support. Linda I can't believe you've dropped 3 sizes in 9 weeks, no other diet would work so quickly. Look forward to watching your progress.

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DQ

Love the new hair honey - really suits you

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Linda5111

Hi splash.. I would'nt have believed it either before i started cd, but it happened... and it will happen to u, stay strong and good luck.

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wannalose8stone

hi splash. well done on getting to day 20 and well done for writing down how you got here.

As you are now three weeks in, you already know that the diet works. You will soon start dropping dress sizes and will start to feel great. After 2 - 3 stone people will start to notice and their positive comments will motivate you more.

The best advice I can give is not to cheat. Just stick to your packs and keep glugging the water. Also set yourself some smaller targets as sometimes the big picture can be a bit daunting, but if you set small targets you will feel like you are achieving something.

You are doing absolutely great. keep up the fantastic work

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Splash

Thank you DQ, your hair is stunning yourself! It really suits your beautiful face.
Sam you're so right, I need to set myself some little goals. I'm aiming at 10% which is 28 lb, so not far to go. Also looking forward to the next weigh in as I'm measuring myself every 4 weeks and will also be checking my blood pressure. So far it's not high but it is borderline and I want it back down in my boots like it was in my 20's!

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