Hey all, not sure if this is the right place for this, but I've been working on a vampire story (or a particular character actually) and just wondered if anyone has the time to offer a little feedback 
. the finished story will include graphic adult situations, violence and profanity but I can promise you non of the above are in this snippet, cheers
Later in the evening, as the sky turned dark completely and the stars made their twinkling appearance, the guests for the party began to arrive. Lights were turned on, the live classical band began to play on their instruments making soft and soulful music for the reception. A convoy of expensive and shiny cars filtered in past the enormous gates and found themselves heading down a very large driveway bordered by twin hedge rows; at the end of which loomed the impressive stately home belonging to their host, Gabriel Dark. Attendants were on hand to take the keys and park the guest's vehicles for them as ladies waited with trays laden with flutes of bubbling champagne. Dark's security personnel, big men in smart black suits, stood to either side of the entrance with about as much emotion on their faces as stone gargoyles and ear mikes to allow them to contact one another discreetly. Every measure and effort had been put into tonights party, of that Gabriel had personally ensured.A black Cayman made it's way down Lord Dark's driveway, just one of many well polished and impressive motors that had made an appearance that evening. Swinging the vehicle into a stop in front of the mansion, the high-powered engine made one last powerful rumble before the ignition was turned off. The single occupant of the car stepped out, straightening his bow tie as he did so. Tall and dashingly handsome, Chance Mason wore a black tuxedo jacket with matching trousers, the clothing fit snugly over his toned and muscular frame. His thick dark hair was cut short and gelled forward into an upwards flick at the front. A few days worth of stubble decorated his chiselled jaw that lent a certain amount of rugged charm to his boyish features. Unsurprisingly, he received more than a few admiring looks from some of the ladies as they wandered past him but seemed to any observer to show nothing but indifference to their rather unsubtle flirtation. Instead, his deep brown eyes turned upwards, taking in the grand scale of Gabriel Dark's home with an appreciating whistle.A male uniformed attendant promptly appeared to take Chances' keys and park his ride.
“Nearly forgot.” Chance said, quickly ducking back into his car to retrieve something. He grinned at the patient attendant, his perfect even white teeth a stark contrast to his naturally tanned skin and revealed the simple black Venetian carnival mask. “This is still a masquerade party right? I mean that's what it said on the invite.”
The attendant nodded at him, the patience displayed earlier quickly beginning to fade. “That it is, Sir.”
“Good.” Chance released a breath and put the eye piece on, slipping the elasticated strap over his head.. “Don't want to look stupid or anything.”
The attendant snorted. “Of course not, Sir.”
Chance turned and joined the other guests as they slowly filtered towards an open arched entranceway, he was dimly aware of his Cayman being driven off behind him. Everyone attending the party was dressed in expensive and lavish clothing. The men all wore fine tuxedos and the women were nearly all dressed in over the top ball gowns. Everyone wore masquerade masks of some sort, whether they were worn on the head or held aloft attached to a small stick they held in their hands with matching lace braiding.
A rich man's orgy, Chance mused to himself, helping himself to a glass of champagne from one of the smiling waiting staff.
It was time to enter the party.
Notes: Chapter two will introduce two demon characters in the guises of eccentric elderly men who are going to pretty much be used as a way to show how little humans mean to all supernatural creatures. They will also cause dilemmas throughout the rest of the story making the rest of the main cast question their morality. Not one of the villains exactly, they will be a neutral entity. Perhaps a mild comic relief?
Gabriel Dark will make a speech at his party.
More about Chance Mason is revealed, need to decide exactly what it is he does for a living. After drinking a few too many he wanders out onto the balcony to get some air and meets Sylver. She is dressed like an old world goth, Slim black ankle-length gown, black corset and bare feet. The moonlight shines brilliantly on her long white hair. She is also wearing a black masquerade mask similar to his and is holding her treasured black rose in her hand. He shows off by bringing up the country where they can be found, definitely hitting on her and trying to get her attention. The scene written up so far reminds me of HIM's song, 'Gone with the Sin', perhaps make some reference to it? Later on in the story I envision Sylver sitting on the floor by a log fire while Chance sits on a couch with his guitar and plays the same song for her. Sing together?
Sylver bites and feeds off Chance at the party, originally intending this to be his doom, but for some reason she does not kill him, much to Gabriel's dismay. Perhaps Sylver turns Chance into a vampire later.
Also revealed later is that Gabriel enjoys watching Sylver kill people, perhaps making it some twisted sex game where they have a threesome with their intended victim before she bites their throat out. (And these are the 'good guys' in the story)
Thanks for reading, if ya got any feed back it would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
. the finished story will include graphic adult situations, violence and profanity but I can promise you non of the above are in this snippet, cheersThe First Kiss
(A Sylver the Vampire story)
CHAPTER ONE
(A Sylver the Vampire story)
CHAPTER ONE
The sun was setting, casting a fiery orange glow across the cloudless sky. Stark, leafless trees stood firm against the receding light, their shadows silhouetted across the high walls of the exquisite country mansion. Within the glass-domed pool room attached to the huge house, a solitary figure stood in the shadows wearing only a long, black silk night gown. Her posture was so still she could have been regarded as a finely carved statue. She clutched a long, slim and sightly curved oriental sword in her right hand. A fine looking weapon that left no question about its expert craftsmanship. Beautiful but deadly, it looked perfectly at home in the pale slender fingers of the young woman who held it. But then Sylver was no woman, she was a vampire and she was not young for that matter, though she appeared to be only nineteen years old, she was far older than any current living human. She had a thin, athletic frame and most striking of all was her shockingly white hair which ran loose down her back. Prominent dark eye brows and high cheek bones adorned a youthful, innocent face as grey, almost silver eyes peered out from beneath heavy dark lashes. Sylver was a creature of rare and fragile beauty that completely betrayed the truth of what she really was.The silence of the room was broken only by the gently lapping water, peaceful, it was Sylver's favourite place for meditation. Without breaking the precious quiet, Sylver suddenly became animated, the sword turned lightning fast in her hand as she cut through the air. The blade of the weapon blurred with the speed at which she wielded it. She twisted and turned with unnatural speed, possessed of an agility no mortal could ever hope to obtain. The small slip of a girl became a twirling flurry of death. Each thrust and sword stroke was turned into a work of art as she handled her weapon with long practised ease. Moving across the pool room, she flipped head over heels, her body twisting in the air to land in a crouch at the other side of the pool. The tip of her sword touched the blue-tiled mosaic on the floor and made a slight ringing noise as she dragged the tip in a semi-circle around herself; rising slowly to stand. Her lithe form once again became as still as a statue without even breaking a sweat. At one with her katana, it was more than just a weapon, it was a part of her.“Impressive my love.” Came his silky smooth voice. Behind her. Sylver froze, her jaw clenched involuntarily as her hand gripped the pommel of the katana so tight that her arm began to tremble. “Hello Gabriel.” She murmured quietly in response, her body relaxing suddenly, her head hung as her gaze lowered to the floor. She listened to his footsteps as he approached her from behind. His slow and measured movements were perfectly in tune with the steady beating of his mortal heart.“Shouldn't you be getting ready for my party? Everyone is invited.” He said, standing close behind her now. He reached out to put his hands gently on her shoulders. Sylver couldn't help but shudder at his touch.”Oh, you're still upset about.. that.” He said, his thumb brushing against a nasty dark bruise on her left arm as he lowered his hands. “I'm sorry I hurt you, it won't happen again.”Sylver didn't move, his words and promises had long lost their meaning to her. His insincerity was something she had learned a long time ago that she must simply endure.“I have something that will lift your spirits.” Gabriel said, his smooth voice raising in what seemed like an uncharacteristic chirp. “Turn around.”Obediently, Sylver did as she was told. As she turned his sweet smelling aftershave washed over her, cloyed with his own faint intoxicating aroma as his fingers touched her delicately under her chin and forced her gently, yet firmly to raise her head to look up at him. A beautiful specimen of a man, towing over the slip of a girl at nearly six feet tall, Gabriel Dark had his brown hair tied back with loose tendrils of his fringe hanging forward like curtains above his blazing emerald green eyes. His finely carved face was decorated with a small pointed goatee beard. He smiled, a handsome yet predatory gesture. He was dressed in rich clothing matching his almost Gothic taste with a cravat tied snugly around his throat and tucked into his waistcoat. “Here my love.” He purred as he pushed something delicate into her hand.Lowering her gaze, Sylver's eyes lit up as she regarded his gift to her. It was a single rose; not just any rose, but a black rose, the rarest of its kind. Holding her sword loosely in her right hand, she lifted the rose towards her bosom and held it against her silent heart with her other hand. “Well, what do you think?” Gabriel pressed for her to word her reaction, he was never the most patient of man when it came to passion.“I love it.” Sylver said, lifting her gaze to meet his. She beamed happily at him. “I will treasure it.”“Until it wilts and dies...” Gabriel added with a defeated sigh, his eyes staring through her and into his imagination. “... Just like we all will do.” He shook himself out of his reverie, not liking the images it presented him. His eyes burned with a sudden anger as he regarded the vampire standing before him. “Everyone except you of course.” He muttered. He reached out and gripped her shoulders tightly, his strong fingers digging in to her pale skin. “Your beauty will never fade, never wilt... you will never die while the rest of us are already off on our way to the grave.”Tears stung Sylver's eyes as she stared up at his face as he glared down at her; regarding her like an untruthful lover whom he had just caught with another man. She just wanted to love Gabriel Dark and be loved back unconditionally.
It destroyed her when he went into one of his rages at her, hating her for having what none of his riches and money could ever possibly obtain... immortality. She knew the only way was for her to turn him, to make him a creature of the night just like herself... but he wouldn't have that. Time and time again during the long years when the thought would be spoken aloud he would dismiss it in an instant., their warm, cosy moment together becoming cold, harsh and cruel. I do not want to become a souless blood sucker like you, he would yell at her, like the very idea of her existence was disgusting. He had come a long way from the happy carefree youth she had first met all those years ago. The shy, acne ridden and stuttering Gabriel Dark had turned into a polished and exquisite echo of his father. Sylver had watched him grow up, becoming first his friend and then his lover and now his beloved. Sylver would forever be the only woman for her rich and powerful master and his hold on her was deep. It was almost ironic, that a vampire, fully capable of tearing a man's head off with an effortless flick of her wrist would be subject to domestic abuse from someone who was so much weaker than her. Someone or something somewhere... was laughing at her predicament.
Softening his demeanour suddenly, Gabriel smiled at her in an almost apologetic manner. His hands released their vice-like grip of her shoulders, leaving bruised finger prints in their wake upon her tender flesh. He took a step back and stroked his small beard. “Finish getting ready for the party, I've invited enough guests for you to pick one off, some of them are nobodies that I've decided to entertain purely for your benefit.” Sylver inclined her head towards him with an appreciating nod, all but giving her master an obedient curtsey. “I had better go , there are some matters I must attend to before my party.”Gabriel turned on his heel and headed towards the door only to pause suddenly in his stride. “I love you.” He smiled over his shoulder towards her.Sylver smiled coyly back at him and raised the token of his affection towards her face. Her eyes peered at him seductively above the black petals of the rose as she inhaled its sweet fragrance. Then he was gone.Sylver lowered the rose and studied it in her hand, the smile dropping from her face. “I love you.” She whispered quietly to herself, voice catching in her words slightly.
It destroyed her when he went into one of his rages at her, hating her for having what none of his riches and money could ever possibly obtain... immortality. She knew the only way was for her to turn him, to make him a creature of the night just like herself... but he wouldn't have that. Time and time again during the long years when the thought would be spoken aloud he would dismiss it in an instant., their warm, cosy moment together becoming cold, harsh and cruel. I do not want to become a souless blood sucker like you, he would yell at her, like the very idea of her existence was disgusting. He had come a long way from the happy carefree youth she had first met all those years ago. The shy, acne ridden and stuttering Gabriel Dark had turned into a polished and exquisite echo of his father. Sylver had watched him grow up, becoming first his friend and then his lover and now his beloved. Sylver would forever be the only woman for her rich and powerful master and his hold on her was deep. It was almost ironic, that a vampire, fully capable of tearing a man's head off with an effortless flick of her wrist would be subject to domestic abuse from someone who was so much weaker than her. Someone or something somewhere... was laughing at her predicament.
Softening his demeanour suddenly, Gabriel smiled at her in an almost apologetic manner. His hands released their vice-like grip of her shoulders, leaving bruised finger prints in their wake upon her tender flesh. He took a step back and stroked his small beard. “Finish getting ready for the party, I've invited enough guests for you to pick one off, some of them are nobodies that I've decided to entertain purely for your benefit.” Sylver inclined her head towards him with an appreciating nod, all but giving her master an obedient curtsey. “I had better go , there are some matters I must attend to before my party.”Gabriel turned on his heel and headed towards the door only to pause suddenly in his stride. “I love you.” He smiled over his shoulder towards her.Sylver smiled coyly back at him and raised the token of his affection towards her face. Her eyes peered at him seductively above the black petals of the rose as she inhaled its sweet fragrance. Then he was gone.Sylver lowered the rose and studied it in her hand, the smile dropping from her face. “I love you.” She whispered quietly to herself, voice catching in her words slightly.
Later in the evening, as the sky turned dark completely and the stars made their twinkling appearance, the guests for the party began to arrive. Lights were turned on, the live classical band began to play on their instruments making soft and soulful music for the reception. A convoy of expensive and shiny cars filtered in past the enormous gates and found themselves heading down a very large driveway bordered by twin hedge rows; at the end of which loomed the impressive stately home belonging to their host, Gabriel Dark. Attendants were on hand to take the keys and park the guest's vehicles for them as ladies waited with trays laden with flutes of bubbling champagne. Dark's security personnel, big men in smart black suits, stood to either side of the entrance with about as much emotion on their faces as stone gargoyles and ear mikes to allow them to contact one another discreetly. Every measure and effort had been put into tonights party, of that Gabriel had personally ensured.A black Cayman made it's way down Lord Dark's driveway, just one of many well polished and impressive motors that had made an appearance that evening. Swinging the vehicle into a stop in front of the mansion, the high-powered engine made one last powerful rumble before the ignition was turned off. The single occupant of the car stepped out, straightening his bow tie as he did so. Tall and dashingly handsome, Chance Mason wore a black tuxedo jacket with matching trousers, the clothing fit snugly over his toned and muscular frame. His thick dark hair was cut short and gelled forward into an upwards flick at the front. A few days worth of stubble decorated his chiselled jaw that lent a certain amount of rugged charm to his boyish features. Unsurprisingly, he received more than a few admiring looks from some of the ladies as they wandered past him but seemed to any observer to show nothing but indifference to their rather unsubtle flirtation. Instead, his deep brown eyes turned upwards, taking in the grand scale of Gabriel Dark's home with an appreciating whistle.
“Nearly forgot.” Chance said, quickly ducking back into his car to retrieve something. He grinned at the patient attendant, his perfect even white teeth a stark contrast to his naturally tanned skin and revealed the simple black Venetian carnival mask. “This is still a masquerade party right? I mean that's what it said on the invite.”
The attendant nodded at him, the patience displayed earlier quickly beginning to fade. “That it is, Sir.”
“Good.” Chance released a breath and put the eye piece on, slipping the elasticated strap over his head.. “Don't want to look stupid or anything.”
The attendant snorted. “Of course not, Sir.”
Chance turned and joined the other guests as they slowly filtered towards an open arched entranceway, he was dimly aware of his Cayman being driven off behind him. Everyone attending the party was dressed in expensive and lavish clothing. The men all wore fine tuxedos and the women were nearly all dressed in over the top ball gowns. Everyone wore masquerade masks of some sort, whether they were worn on the head or held aloft attached to a small stick they held in their hands with matching lace braiding.
A rich man's orgy, Chance mused to himself, helping himself to a glass of champagne from one of the smiling waiting staff.
It was time to enter the party.
Notes: Chapter two will introduce two demon characters in the guises of eccentric elderly men who are going to pretty much be used as a way to show how little humans mean to all supernatural creatures. They will also cause dilemmas throughout the rest of the story making the rest of the main cast question their morality. Not one of the villains exactly, they will be a neutral entity. Perhaps a mild comic relief?
Gabriel Dark will make a speech at his party.
More about Chance Mason is revealed, need to decide exactly what it is he does for a living. After drinking a few too many he wanders out onto the balcony to get some air and meets Sylver. She is dressed like an old world goth, Slim black ankle-length gown, black corset and bare feet. The moonlight shines brilliantly on her long white hair. She is also wearing a black masquerade mask similar to his and is holding her treasured black rose in her hand. He shows off by bringing up the country where they can be found, definitely hitting on her and trying to get her attention. The scene written up so far reminds me of HIM's song, 'Gone with the Sin', perhaps make some reference to it? Later on in the story I envision Sylver sitting on the floor by a log fire while Chance sits on a couch with his guitar and plays the same song for her. Sing together?
Sylver bites and feeds off Chance at the party, originally intending this to be his doom, but for some reason she does not kill him, much to Gabriel's dismay. Perhaps Sylver turns Chance into a vampire later.
Also revealed later is that Gabriel enjoys watching Sylver kill people, perhaps making it some twisted sex game where they have a threesome with their intended victim before she bites their throat out. (And these are the 'good guys' in the story)
Thanks for reading, if ya got any feed back it would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
