Thread: pup's journal

tomorrow is the end of my second weeks, i will admit i did break and some pickled onions but they i think was the lesser of the two evils the other was some chocolate and not the packet.

i hope i didn't do too much harm eating them but if i did i did but learn from it but i do get nuts around my period and during it wanting werid and wonderful foods.

why am i doing this diet it was surgested on LL f/b page by some kind people as i been so low over christmas and i knew i needed to do something but i did have to wait until a friend went back home as he came for my birthday and celebrate christmas (its not fun being on your own for christmas so i post poned it till jan the 5th my birthday was the 4th).

we went away to york for a few days its a big thing for me as i don't go out on my own, i have panic attacks so this was a huge big step, but it what the dr ordered if you get my drift.

i managed to move around york and it was quiet empty not many people around so i was pleased no rude comments or people banging into me making me feel i dont have the right to be on the same pavement as them as i am so large. i ordered the packs before he left and i knew which day they would come so i could start then.

he wont be coming till may and i am not doing this for anyone else but myself! i want to find the confidance i lost (i keep looking but can't find it yet but i am sure i will find it!).

so i started this journery two weeks tomorrow and alright i can notice the differance i feel brighter but i do sleep or catnap still i can't help it ... i have also started walking on my treadmill once i dusted it down. i do roughtly 30 mins ... 5 mins on 2.5, then 3.o then ten mins on 3.5 then 5 mins @ 3 then 2.5.

i have nerve damage in my feet so its not easy but its improving slightly i just dont like the tingling in the calves which never stops or in the toes, i wished i looked after myself better but i closed myself up and away for nearly 10 yrs and i am so lucky i have a surper surport worker who is helping me to go out but not on my own and i am in control not them in how far i walk or not.

any ways enough for now its not a easy eating programe but its right for me at this moment ... i have set my self a 50lb goal but i do have over 100lbs to lose but i rather deal with a small bump then a huge mountain ... once i get over the first bump i will then focus on the second one ... so tomorrow is the end of my second week and i will again in the morning.

am trying just to weigh once week if it gets bad and i can't keep to it the scales will go in the garage as i dont want to be jumping on them every 5 mins which i have been known to do in the pass.

so now just focus on one day at time, walk not run and i will get there just like the snail slowly does it .....

Good Luck pup, You can do it.Stay strong hun.

Good luck Pup! You will do it xx

Good Luck pup

o wow i woke up and weighed myself another 5lb gone and now i lost 18lbs i just can't belive it so i got off them and back on them once they reset.

this is hard its not easy but it will be so worth it ... in 2 weeks 18lbs ... gone. i am not half way through my first 50lbs but it going down i never ever been this full on since i was in my teens and got right down infact under weight but this time i just want to be able to move around without pain.

my friend and i are planning to buy a house together i am selling mine and him i are looking for a small house with some land not much but enough for my 8 chickens and i want to have a veg plot which he has promised to help me with .... but i need to be fit and well to do it too as at the moment i am too scared to go out on my own.

people can be so cruel and mean. i was in my back garden one day (it takes a fight even to go out but i have to go out and feed and water my chickens, hence i have them) the neighbours kids where in thier garden and one said to the other that senile lady is in her garden. so i know people dont like me where i live why is it so wrong to keep myself to myself? am kind to them i throw there balls back when it thrown in to my garden hence one of the reasons why i am moving. i want to be able to go in my garden without fear of others am fat so perhaps its another target and judgemental thing that other judge me for. its not there fault its there parnets who don't bring them up well they only repeat what they hear (we talking of small children).

but you know what i can change my weight but they can't change there personalities mean people are the ones who never change cos they just dont know how hurtful and mean they are.

well second weeks done now moving into my 3rd week. ya me.

Hey that's good news you lost 5lbs more.Dont care about others hun.carry on one day you will be slim and healthy.

thanks for all the responses easier said than done but my friend said to wear blinkers and focus on what is important and words shouldn't hurt you espically if they mean nothing to you (the people who say nasty things aren't your friends is what he was jesting at) he said there are a lot kinder people about and just remember its not always words but the smiles they give you ... he is my bestest friends we been online friends for over 10 yrs and never once has he ever let me down and we never aurge we agree to disagree and move on no point getting upset and its so true he has taught me am not stuiped he wont let me call myself in any negative term i think everyone needs friends like him and i am glad he is there for me and i am there for him.

Hi pup, glad you started a diary. Well done on your fab loss in just 2 weeks! I think you have a super attitude. It isn't easy when someone says something horrid and it sticks with you but you are so right that they will never change being the horrible rude people they are and that is a life sentence for them. It is a great achievement for you getting out and about too well done . I look forward to reading how you're doing. X

I agree with your friend Pup
When you are big, you are treated shockingly different.
But you are on your way to a healthier you !!
Thats a great weight loss Pup
Keep going

I would love to do the chicken thing
I have tried many times to grow veggies, and been successful in some years, and rather dismal in others , but thats more because I get taken over by events and find I dont have time to do it . And thats in pots !!
This year, must be the first year in a good few, that I have relented and decided not to grow anything at all , other than rhubarb that is wild in the garden

Hi pup, how are you doing hun?? Shred is exercise dvd to follow and get into shape.Hope you got ur answer.

Morning pup, how ya doin?

i had a little slip up last night i had some meat so its nothing to bad so i brush myself down and think of it as a small burp rather than a major one which would normally clear the room.

i dont send myself on gulit trips if i do something wrong or tell my self am naughty i am not naughty am not a child, it took me a long time to say that to myself and to own it.

thanks for all the replies i took a little bit of line yesterday so i didn't come and write here perhaps if i had i might have not had that negative voice in my head which i allowed in but i did manage to walk 20 mins until the pain in my feet got too much little and slowly i think i might try 3 - 10 mins sessions.

o thanks for telling me what shred is i might take a look and see i do look @ some exersizes on line too there some amazing ones and as i have no cordnation no one can see what am up too as i trip over my left feet.

i am thinking of offering a home to a small dog to help me go out but its a big step, i have a large back garden which i tend to go out early in the morning or last thing at night, so i am going to talk to my surport worker and see what he thinks i have come on so much but like most things you have bad days and good days but the good days are becoming more, and there must be a dog looking for a new home and would fit in with me and me with them plus my cats and chickens.

i treated myself to a new book on my kindle ... the hundred year old man who climbed out of the window ... has anyone else read it? i like to write am not very good but i have been told i have a gift but again its about having confidance i wished we could go into a shop and buy some laughs ... well am off for a bit but thanks you all who have responsed to my thread ... like i singing off key ... walking back to happeniess do laa laa ... treadmill first of my 10 mins .

Good morning and well done on the 18lbs loss so far. You're doing fabulous xx

Morning pup. I think you have a great attitude, well done on keepin on track. Have you ever thought about a rescue greyhound? They are very loving dogs that don't like a lot of exercise, in fact you'll be hard pushed to get one out in the rain. There is a society dedicated to rehoming them. My Labrador has done wonders for my confidence out and about and the unconditional love they give means a lot.

i haven't heard of the book you're reading is it good, I might give it a go. I'm just reading the Amelia Peabody omnibus. Detective stories mixed with archeology in Egypt, light reading but entertaining. Have you ever thought of a creative writing class? Or writing your own short stories about what you observe on your walks. It can be in a journal no one else will read, until you become a best selling author of course

good luck with progress, you're doing smashing so far.

yes i belong to a group called writewell in kingslynn but i will be honest i not been the last two times, i dont know why cos once i get there i really enjoy it i really do but perhaps it was the period over christmas when i was at my lowest and i am slowly crawling myself back out of the pit again tomorrow am going out with my bridgeworker again he is from mind and great tommorrow am planning to go in my local store on my own but dont laugh i have a thing about change i dont do odd money like if my change is 99p i have to ask for it like this .... 4x20p 2x5p 4x2p and ask them to keep the 1penny ... i know am werid but i try not to hurt anyone if i can't cope i tend to cry but hay crying is good works some facial musles laughs.

am dyslixic and taught myself to write so my grammer isn't very good and the doors opened for me when i got a pc.

i post this for you to read and others it was my first time i was left in a cafe on my own my bridgework and too a few months to get to this point.

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Misplaced in my own diminutive environment erecting invisible barriers around the insubstantial cocoon form, although I sat unaided within the ambiances walls littered with gaudy artwork of unknown artists which at times appeared to leer out at me. Trying to shove me deeper within the isolation of safety I so sought.
Invisible barriers erecting and for moments disappear only to re-erect no one could see constructing frames of bars and flashing lights that mulled around me sending out silent warnings of danger if anyone came too close.
What would they think if they could see them and would it really matter if they could as I perched on the edge of the seat ready to scurry if anyone came too close to the imagery fortification wrapped around holding me safely within.
Every now and then the aroma of the freshly infusion of coffee coasted within the air assaulting the nasals passages while the muscles contorted fluttering consuming it within. The tip of the pink muscle flesh rose and snaked out from parted tiers before slithering over the dusky pink pillow leaving a glossy coating of saliva within its moisten awakening, arousing the dozing taste buds as I swallowing becoming more aware of the thirst rising within begging for some warming nectar to satisfy the inner thirst.
Fingers coiled around the handle of a white handled mug another aroma flood my space one of the peppermint tea drifting within the air while I lifted the bulky vessel up. Eyes stretch wide and gazed over the surface taking note of the light olive coloured fluid moving as it swirls about.
Breathing in deeply the chest expand, nostrils flutter savouring the delicate fragrance, eyes closing then the slight heart flutter while the lower lip curving around the smooth rim uniting them together. The other hand rose and cupped it letting a finger lightly tap the outer shell relaxing within the senseless melody until a sound drew me away.
My body came tense once more by the sounds around me growing louder drawing me away from the thoughts whirling around in my mind, body become rigid although barrier erects stronger encasing me into the invisible walls stronger than before as I lowered the mug down and started to focus on the keyboard enabling my fingers to tap away writing anything I could think of to escape again.
Bustling of the attending staff serving the ceaseless torrent ream of consumers drifting in and out of the open doorway milling around similar to confused ants once they have retrieved there abundance of treasure with upmost imperativeness back to the nest where they seek out there prized table and chair to consume there acquisitions with a hungriness of a third world child.
At times it appeared that the staff would without uncertainly get a break that morning, a sedative lull came over the partly emptied café as thought the parting of the waves had taken place permitting the staff amble freedom to saunter around at much tranquil pace it was then I heard a toddler. Tilting my head towards where the sound was coming from it wasn’t the bubble of gobbledygook that caught my attention that left her lips but the soft docile tone of just two words.
‘O dear’
Her petite hands rose and seemed to dither in the air as her cinnamon colour curly tresses bounced while she seemed to animate her movements causing a smile to ripple upon the tiers of my lips before she fell into a complex of baby talk trying to get her mum and dads attention while they conversed with each other ignoring her for a moment as she gave her own opinion on what they were talking about as her voice level rose until they acknowledge her then her tone fell like a swopping gull as she reached for her drink banging the small carton of juice upon the table with a gustier of laughter spilling from her bow shaped lips as her mother placed a finger upon her own hushing her as she shook her head playfully.
The walls around me still there but the sounds where evading, unwelcome sounds of laughter breaking through, movements off others caught within the vision of my bewilder eyes trying to make sure no one came close. A knots tightens in my belly as another mother arrives heavy laden with buggy but hidden within a newly born baby I didn’t see the toddler holding on to the frame until she peeked out from behind her mother coat that partly hid her from my view, the Mother paused unsure where to sit as she dithers there looking at the few empty tables for the best one for her and her children. I was praying so hard ‘not near me, please not near me, please I do anything thing’ I kept repeating in my mind.
A staff member trundled over with their tray asking where she would like to sit before the mother could responded the little girl bounced up on to the bench seat near me, the mother was freeing and reached down only to lift the baby out and cradles her within her arm making a few cooing sounds slightly rocking the bane within.
‘Here please and thank you.’
Nodding to the server to place the tray upon the table before she settled next to her other child, she calmed settled and as they sort themselves out my eyes drifted back to the other little girl watching her intently while her father played with a piece of copper coloured foil covering the tip of his finger then his daughters showing her what to do with it tapping the table top in time with her father before lifting it up and kissing it offering the kiss to her dad who pressed his covered fingertip against hers.
I kept watching her amused how a simple piece of tin foil become so many things at the moment she made her finger appear like a little puppet moving it in the air squealing happily her dad and mum rose slowly preparing themselves to get ready to leave, the little girl was lowered from the highchair she dances around pausing for a moment as she notices two elderly women observing her. She wriggled her finger at them, their faces light up and soft voices rose giving the little girl the attention she so desperately seeks. She talked away so fast telling them all about her puppet she seem lost involved entering the ladies before her daddy scooped her up and placed her in the rather trendy three wheeled buggy.
He squatted down and placed the straps around her to keep her safe within before rising, wrapping his hands around the handles as he began to pushed it outside the little girl waved the cover finger about lifting it high above her head as she started to sing twinkle, twinkle little star her voice fading as they move in a family unit to the on sault of the external world waiting to assault them as they mingle in the crowds of unknown faces before they disappeared.
My eyes looked down at the keyboard my fingers had been typing to Bart letting him know what was going on around me as he helped me keep sane via the internet.
He typed ‘15mins then Chris will come and stop picking at your hand’.
I typed nervously back, ‘Are you here’? Looking around and peeked under the table.
‘No but I know you’ he typed back.
Omg he knows me so well letting out a soft sigh and stopped fiddling with my hand letting the finger tips brushed over the key pads trying to stop myself from hurting my hand even more.
I looked at the clock on the pc and typed, ‘He won’t forget me will he?’
A message flashed up ‘no’.
I could feel the panic rising as the time slowly ticked by was like the longest fifteen minutes I had to endure.
‘Thank you and I love you’ I typed back. Sucking on my lower lip for a moment before allowing uncertain feelings to arise again anxiety and fear just two of ugly monsters that haunt and stalk looking for that little glimmer of a spark to reignite, which never seemed to fade away but always consuming my mind as lost unwelcome friends.
An irritable sound invaded my ears for a while it was darn toy the child near me was playing with but could I complain as it kept her amused? It was then I had understood for a nearly an twenty minutes I had closed down and forgot the other child taking a momentary glance I looked at her as she chatted away to her mummy.
My face may tell another story but underneath I have so many questions and thoughts running around in the abyss of my mind some are so vibrate some are so dim, however if I was asked to describe my mind I would perhaps say its comparable to a candle glowing giving of a soft radiant luminosity inviting the moths flying around on the outer fringe until just one is baited and drawn to the flame causing me to think, think about what? I couldn’t say not at this moment then without warning it erupts filling my mind until it can be answer the burning need within.
Why is it with children that they look so angelic mass of curls that framed there cute faces are not so angelic within their own personalities? Her eyes trusting tinted dark chocolate brown lit with excitement as she held up the toy to her mother who was nursing the contented baby, the mother smiled and called her by name.
‘Isabella is that Kathy’?
I couldn’t remember her reply as I thought about her name then looked at her again then the image of ‘Shirley Temple’ rose before the song ‘the good ship lolly pop’ began to play making me remember of days gone pass when I was so innocent unaware of as child so protected by the ones who love us no matter what we did. The children glanced towards me giving me a smile before hiding her face into her mother’s torso before peeking back at me pretending to be coy. Her mother spoke to her and she then showed me what she held unaware that Chris was now at my table.
It was only a few seconds but it could have been hours before I heard him pulling me out of the walls I had built, feeling them slowly crumble around me. The tension that had flood my body began to seep out and fade into the structures around me, the pictures became recognisable and not blurs even the people in the far end of the café became more focal noticing the two men who was still sitting at a nearby table who been there before I had arrived.
The noise within the café had rose a few decibels men’s, women’s and children each group conversing rose each time they conversed making me feel uncomfortable wanting to go, wanting to go to the safety of my home. I felt exasperated drained but I put on a front as Chris established himself within the chair.
My mouth dried as I hid my hands beneath the table wringing my fingers breaking the weave within the spindles they had created while I felt I was on a hot seat being asked how I felt how and managed while he was gone for an hour? Was it just an hour it seemed longer as I replied to his last question.
‘Can I go home now please’?

i hope you enjoyed it i apologise for any spelling or grammer ...