Oh how I have missed this place
Infact, im pretty sure I left my sanity here when I went AWOL last Summer.
I could scribble an autobiography sized entry on what iv been up to, what iv been through, what's gone wrong and what's gone right. But, above all and everything, it's simple.
Iv used everything as an excuse to eat very bad foods far too much. Not a little bit naughty some of the time. Worryingly naughty, and most of the time.
So to throw it all in a nutshell, I started Exante 1st January 2013 utterly miserable, obese, weighing 14st 12lb. Zero confidence and as many friends to match because of this. I'd hide as much as possible and walk looking at the floor. I'd squirm at the thought of leaving the house and hated anybody seeing me. Sounds a little OTT but you feel what you feel don't you.
I stuck rigidly, strictly 100% TS until the end of May, then had breaks, got back on, so on so on until reaching goal soon after. It was an amazing time, and amazing feeling. Of course I had all these ideas, plans, promises to myself. I gave up smoking in Sept and maintained really well until October, then had a bit of a rough time and slowly I have gained since then.
Its funny how each tiny lb was so important on the scales going down, but then going back up, I didn't care less. I watched every lb, kept weighing throughout the months gaining but it was like I'd become numb again. I guess I always had that "I know I can lose when I want to" mentality. I had more worrying things going on and the scales didn't scare me. I often felt at night I was stuffing food in on purpose, for no purpose. It's very scary and hard to explain actually. I'm not sure why iv undone my hard work. I know it's behaviour I'm going to be getting help with. The binges have been crazy, out of people's sight. Almost like I was rebelling, punishing.
So much for not scribbling a huge entry eh!
So Iv realised at the very least, that I shouldn't have strayed from the forum, because it was always 80% of the reason I succeeded last year. Iv realised I need to remove food from my diet at the moment, because things became a mess. I need to address issues much, much deeper than dieting, while I'm busy dieting
I am so sooooo excited to be back on the wagon, on the way back to my happy place. It's obvious Im going to say I will not abuse the position again and gain the weight back a second time. But seriously, I sure as hell won't go through the last 6 months again. I really have learnt a shed load, so on some level, I'm happy I can take that away. I cook really healthy meals and learnt lots about nutrition and exercise, for me and my family, but my sugar obsession (chocolate and haribo) took over me in the end. Iv learnt I am so damn complex lol.
I get such a warm happy feeling when i think back to my time here last year. I always said Exante was such a comfort to me, and I feel like I'm now in the flurry arms of a big virtual hug hehe
Now down to the juicy stuff eh! Weight, goals, photos! Ok so I'm 5ft 7" and need to be 9st 10lb - 10st 2lb to be at my happy place. Well, I say that now, but really, at the time I still thought I was fat. Ridiculous. Looking at the photos now I could run back to 2013 and kick my ass!!! Anyway, I weighed last week and was..... As high in the 11s as you can get. Which today probably makes me in the 12s. But, I don't want to see that, so I'm not weighing lol! Instead, I will just get on with 100% TS and weigh on Mondays. My only plan right now is to use up all my packs. After this I will know if I'm staying on Exante a little longer or switching to something else. In all honesty, I think I need to remove food and sort my self out.
I hope the photos have uploaded ok. The photos are my journey last year. Start weight 14.12 end weight 9.13 in the photos, and different weights I between as I shrunk. Can't wait to go back
Im not going to read over everything iv just written or i will end up editing and deleting bits! I have a lot of catching up to do around here, and im soooooo happy for my friends who stayed, and succeeded, and are still doing amazingly!!! Im never straying from the boards again. it feels so good to be back already xx