I'm sorry for such a negative post. And nothing anybody can say can make me feel better.. I think I just need to get out how I'm feeling.
I need to cry I think. A really big cry. I got to a size 14 a few years ago and was unhappy so I did Cambridge and lost a lot of weight and everything was all good... now I've put it all back on and more. I'm now an 18/20. I THINK I weigh more than 15 stone but I've no idea because I think if I get on the scale I will feel much more depressed.
I know I am bigger as I have seen recent photos and my clothes no longer fit.
I have a holiday booked for 3rd November.. so I do have time to lose a stone or so if I redo the very low calorie diet again. I've used slim and save before, and I have some left over cambridge products.
I guess I just feel vile. I'm visiting my family this weekend and I feel every time I see them, they get more disgusted with me. I don't see them often so every time I go I can tell their shock at my size.
I'm also really conscious in front of my partner. I cover myself up all the time and I just don't feel like getting close to him anymore. He must be disgusted with me too... It's horrible that feeling isn't it? I feel so conscious eating in front of people because I think they must think "how greedy is she".
I'm a bit of a secret eater.. I don't think people understand HOW i've put the weight on because they never see me eat loads. But I eat food when they aren't around. It's an emotional thing I think.
So I'm desperately starting the Very Low Calorie Diet again on Sunday. I'm visiting my family this weekend so I will just eat "healthy" and cut down the carbs so that it isn't a big shock to my system again on Monday... I'm so SCARED that I'm not going to do it. It's scary being this unhealthy and ugly isn't it?
I do feel ugly. Which is awful. Someone posted a photo of me today and I wanted to vomit... When I think I lost all that weight and did this to myself?
I suppose this is a bit of a desperate post.. I do feel better to see it on paper. I never realised how depressed I was about it until I was kept awake all last night so upset after seeing my reflection (which I avoid like the plague!). I dont want to weigh myself for a week or so. i know I won't see a loss but I really can't face it right now. x