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Being naughty and my very quiet Chatterbox
Well, if you've seen some of my posts before you'll know that my naughty little vice is weighing myself. I've been lucky, my weight is shifting very quickly, my chatterbox has been so quiet I'm actually annoyed with it because I haven't had a chance to practice on it whilst I've been on LL! (I think my chatterbox agreed very early on that it wants to get into a size 12 Vivienne Westwood dress more than it wants a steak and kidney pie) so what the scales say never demotivates me even on the 2 or so stay the same weeks I have had. However, I am aware that as I get smaller, the proportion of the weight loss and speed may slow down, so I will be perfectly happy (I hope!) to shove the scales in the cupboard when that happens. I thought that the journey through the 13s would be difficult for me - perhaps I should say a little about how I started piling on all the weight at this point so I can remind myself why being under 13 stone is such an achievement.
The 9 years I spent over 14 stone
At university (in the mid 90s) although I was only just a few pounds overweight and quite a pretty girl, I always felt insecure. I was the fattest girl by a long way (remember the waif role models of the mid 90s?) I would go clothes shopping by the styles were all for people who could go without a bra and not be ashamed of revealing their torsos. I was acting a lot but never getting cast in the pretty girl parts - I was always the fat frumps. I would hover around 11 and a half stones as my skinny weight, but I just never seemed to get the boys - every boy I fancied just didn't fancy me back - so I started a horrible spiral of eating lots of chocolate and crisps to fix the horrible nagging feeling that no one would ever want me (I'd had the same problem at school - and in fact at the age of 33 I have still never had a real boyfriend) and that I wasn't good enough to do what I wanted to do with my life. I felt bullied and undermined at every turn and in the end I barely passed my degree and got myself into horrendous debt through my comfort eating and spending. At one point I was so far in denial that I wasn't paying my rent - I hated my first job after university (I was bullied by coworkers who called me fat and ugly) and I was lonely.
The only self control I had at that point was over my weight. I was down to my skinny weight when my parents were chased by my landlord for over a thousand pounds of missed rent payments. I went back home to live with them in shame and disappointment and really let go of myself. I ate myself up to 13 stone (the weight at which I became obese fr the first time) This was the summer of 1998. Then I put on a further stone by the winter. My body was covered in horrible stretchmarks and I knew then that I would never have a perfect body.
Over the years I yo-yoed up to weights I swore I would never see, would lose 2 stone and then promptly put it back on plus another stone. No matter what I did in my diets I always stuck at 14 stone on the way down before piling it all on again. So when I got to 14 stone with LL, I thought that I might stick there for a couple of weeks because y body would be so used to that pattern. I know that there is a theory that the body can hang on to weight at certain significant points so for the past month I have been throwing myself into my work (and getting recognised for it) and exercising harder - and it seems to have paid off. To be losing about a stone and 4lbs a month at this stage is more than I ever dreamed of.
So - here's hoping that the 179.5lbs the scales seem to think I am (well, I'm actually 178lbs, but I allow a pound for clothes!) is exactly what I will be at my LLCs at weigh in tonight.
Being an adult (and a free child)
I am going in to work today (it's okay - I get double time and I like being in the office when it's quiet) to work on some things for the promotion I'm working towards in December. I feel like I'm taking myself seriously again. The job I do isn't actually what I want to do for life - I really want to be a comedy writer and performer - and if that doesn't work out I have decided to train as a life coach and take my MSc in Psychology so that I can train as a psychotherapist. I am learning so much about addiction and weight and self-esteem on my LL journey that I would like to be a trained professional that can help VLCDs gain more credibility. Anyway - my group are always saying how creative and fun I am (which I am, they're two of my major passions!) and we've been celebrating the fact that I am becoming an adult with the ability to behave like a free child in the fun parts of my life. I always thought being an adult was dull, but I feel so much happier than when I used to be a rebellious child all the time. Much better to be a grown-up and choose when to access the happy, loving, free child when I need to be creative and spontaneous rather than throw all the toys out of the pram when things don't go my way!
I think this diet has been a blessing and the magic wand that I prayed for my entire fat life. I got called up by LL head office this week to give feedback this week and I told them that it was the best thing I had done in my life and that it was amazing. My only negative comment was that I think that they should be working more closely with the NHS to show them that it's not a silly fad so that people on the diet who have GPs that don't understand it don't have to spend so much time and money getting signed on to do the programme. I really think that LL should help more with that - finding positive GPs should be part of the service.
Anyway - hello 12 stone something. Nice to see you after all these years! You are a bit scary and I won't be here for too long, I hope, but it's such a relief to be here.
Whilst I was 13st something, in my head I kept saying to myself I was 15st something - I don't think my head could cope with saying the number 13 in connection with my weight! I think I might have the same problem with the 12s!
And how I got here...
Anyway - here's a breakdown of my losses in the four 4 week chunks.
Day 0 - 18st 2
Weeks 1-4 - 28lbs (16st 2)
Weeks 4-8 - 14lbs (15st 2)
Weeks 8-12 - 17lbs (14st)
Weeks 12-16 - 15lbs (12 st 11 - unconfirmed but hopeful!)
I have followed the programme to the letter - the only exceptions being the odd day of not getting all my water in (and certainly not tracking my 10000 steps! - although I do get a lot of exercise). I have not even had Marigold Bullion - also I didn't start eating bars until week 11. I do confess that I don't have to cook for anyone and I live alone so my fridge and cupboards contain nothing that might tempt me, so I have been able to avoid a lot of confrontation and I do count myself lucky.
If you're just starting out, grit your teeth, dig your heels in and ride out any hunger pangs. I promise you, in a few weeks it will be worth every painful moment!
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