Sarah's Management Thread (August 12th - November 5th 2007)

[Peridot]

I'm liking the Scarlett O'Hara simile - as I think you definitely look quite Scarlett O'Hara-ish.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength and happiness.

[SandraEG]

Just a quick HUG to you Sarah.

I really appreciate the way you think so deeply about these issues and then articulate them so well.

My LLC is away for a couple of weeks and we had the locum last night. We've had her before and she is lovely. BUT because she hadn't seen us in ages she just did a catch up chat with us. No counselling session. So in some ways it was nice but on the other hand it was back to the chats I had in my other development group, whcih just doesn't advance my thinking.

That Barefoot Doctor book sounds fab - I'm going to look it up. I think I need some resources to start working on myself for weeks like this when the session doesn't work for me.

Still, I am FINALLY back on track - have been completely abstinent for 2 days and properly back in ketosis. Also heading back to the gym...

[Cerulean]

The nicest thing that I observed yesterday was that the savoury, plain, home-prepared things I made for myself were 47 times more tasty (and dare I say it) comforting than anything I ate secretly or binged with.


I may forego Builder’s Tea lite and any sort of diet drink other than fizzy water with lemon/lime until I have my sugar crashes/feeding frenzies in check. Maybe we’ll reintroduce sweetened things when fruit shows up in week 3 just so that I have alternative sweet tastes to play with.


Fixating is a non-negotiable now – I do not do that. If I try to fixate on food I will stop the movie.


Introducing THE EVIL AND DEVIOUS CRAZY CAKE QUEEN

I have also decided to create a different movie – rather than picture the foods I crave, I will sublimate all cravings into a personification called The Crazy Cake Queen. She is a tall leggy blonde bubble-haired drag queen with enormous pink stilettos. If I start thinking about sweet stuff, I will immediately call her to mind and slap her in the face and then take all of the colour out of her image and shrink her down until she is very far from me. That’ll show her. I don’t need her or any of her pink, sugary friends! Even when I was fat I was never into pink sugary things! We’ve already established that almost every pound of my overweight could be attributed to every can of coke, packet of Walkers crisps and alcoholic drink I had ever had (three things I have not touched since Day 0 of LL and may never touch again with the exception of wine at meals – I certainly haven’t craved any of them during binge mode) – it was never about the sweet stuff! (Mrs. L and a very nutritionally aware colleague talked me through all of this today - all I can say is AVOID ANYTHING WITH SUGAR IN IT LIKE THE PLAGUE until it is introduced by the programme!!!!)


My favourite ways of seeing off the Crazy Cake Queen today include

• Hitting her in the face with a frying pan
• Shooting her with a blunderbuss
• Picking up a big sharp scythe and watching her run, screaming.

Okay so it’s not in any of the books, but it bloody well works!


The other VERY important thing that I know and have down pat (yay for getting some of this right!) is that my behaviour will not make me fat or ruin this for me. I am not a recovering fat person, I am a recovering addict – I know I can control the addiction with foodpacks – I’m a champion abstainer!


I’m just not terribly good with controlling it when there are food choices just yet, but I will get better at that! I can’t be brilliant at everything! (This week )


I need to find ways to feel free. Like I said to myself a few weeks ago – when I start to act out of choice (adult mode) I am empowered, when I fence myself in and clip my wings and restrict my movements to keep me safe, I feel threatened and go into defensive mode. However, I did realise that by Christmas I will have reduced one of the scary bits of my debt quite significantly and although this autumn may not contain quite so much shopping as I’d planned, I don’t really need that – I’ll just spend time studying and hanging out with friends and getting to know my new life and then maybe get a fabulous wardrobe when I get the book deal!


I really need to empower myself at work. This is very important as it causes a lot of minor panics and traumas and triggers. I felt great today clearing the decks on a couple of tasks I usually hate and I managed to get 3 really sticky things sorted - so that gave me a nice kick.



When I feel hopeless, I need hope, when I feel inadequate, I need to feel competency. When I am lonely I need connection. Food is not hope, confidence or intimacy.



Day 5 dinner - A Smackerel of Mackerel - and er - a teeny bit of extra curricular nibbling…

• 100g Mackerel Fillets half ceviched (Mrs. - where are the accents on a Mac, did you find them?) during the day with lemon and brown rice vinegar. (Ceviche is cooking in citrus juices) - grilled on the George Foreman for 2-3 mins with clove of garlic chopped over it.
• Romaine
• Watercress rocket and spinach salad from Tesco
• Celery

Dressed with a spritz of lemon juice, black pepper, salt and a splash of brown rice vinegar. Delish


About an hour later I had about 40g of cottage cheese with caraway seeds and pepper and a handful of other green veg. This was off plan but all allowed things - but still less calories than anything the Crazy Cake Queen might have had to offer!

[Cerulean]

Thank you for all of your support Sandra and Peridot (and sun, I think, on the page before) - fiddle dee dee it is lovely to read such nice things about lil old me (that's as far as my Scarlett O'Hara impression goes online)...especially after a wonky day!

Sandra - my book was Liberation which is not a very 'narrative' book and focuses rather a lot on the shiatsu/acupressure solutions to problems that usually require CBT solutions...you may prefer his Urban Warrior handbook - I think that one covers almost everything in his other books.

Go you with the gym...I've been a bit off track with that this week but I refuse to judge myself over it! I will get there!

[Cerulean]

I'd just like to say that LL probably owe a certain Mrs. L a locum fee for her invaluable support to me today regarding sugar craving.

A huge hug (and I don't give virtual hugs ever!) for brilliant support when it was needed most - she really helped me to work out what was going on yesterday - I thought I'd lost my senses!

[Cerulean]

I have posted what happened yesterday in a separate thread and I will cover it in the blog - but I just wanted to record here that I binged yesterday and it was progressively worse than Wednesday's binge because at no stage could I stop it.

I really do feel out on a limb here - and I am worried that I am developing mentally and physically unsafe behaviour. I shall take today as it comes and may actually stay in abstinence today as I am at a video shoot for most of the day and I have hardly slept.

[Cerulean]

Day 9 Supper - Seafood in a basalmic vinegar and garlic reduction on some sort of salad in a bag and some radishes - very simple and very tasty



Day 9 food was a nut crunch at work at 9am (first time I have been able to defer a nut crunch beyond waking up in ages!

at 12.30ish I had my veggie snack allowance - no dip and a thai chilli soup

at 7.15pm I ate a small head of chicory, a bit of my sardine remoulade (sounds vile - and was yesterday, but has got better overnight) a stick of celery, a couple of mushrooms and a bit of cauliflower - so a bit over my 'snack allowance' and fridge picking that I should have stopped because it was just because I was thirsty after the gym. And if I had been going to snack I should have sat down to do it - but I won't tell myself off and go 'ummmmm' at myself - I will just mark it as a good set of food choices, but could do better at the way and place that I ate it and should watch nibbling whilst preparing dinner.

Now here's a thing - if I am strictly honest, I was feeling full before I started eating but of course I found room! I would have loved to have put down my fork after two mouthfuls the way I felt was right, but a combination of the tastes and a voice telling me 'you'll be hungry later' and 'that's 1.50 worth of food you'll be wasting if you leave it' and I know now what the response should have been, but at the time - well - old habits die hard and the fact it I would have brushed over it in the past - recognising my schoolgirl errors is good enough for week 2 of my RtM quite frankly - my RtM is about being good enough and learning that if I have 3 chocolate bars in quick succession then, you know what, that's okay (not every day or every meal, mind!) Washing it down with a litre of ice cream and half a pound of guilt isn't...

So then I came back from the pub quiz and was ready to have a little pick and you know what? I didn't!!! I had a strawberry jelly (allowed) and a chocolate pack. No fridge picking - proper (if somewhat childish ) supper! Progress!

Day 6 lunch
Oh and before it all went a bit awry on Friday this was my first solid lunch at work since January 5th!



Note delicious work coffee on the side

[Alan_99]

Lunch looks very tasty, I think the coffee needs work though ... and maybe a separate post such as Route to decent work coffee. Personally I take my own jar of Decaf, also it does look so much tastier in a china mug. Just kidding about the thread but the coffee does look in need of serious consideration LOL.
Well done Sarah keep up the great work

[Cerulean]

Haha Alan - my teammate would sympathise with you entirely - I did her a favour yesterday so she has to go out in the rain and get me my proper Caffe Nero coffee this morning. Something to look forward to after doing my difficult sums at work this morning!

[joh117]

I am so glad I logged into Minimins this mornin and read your thread. I am having a major guilt trip at the mo. I had a major sugar binge yesterday. My reason at the time I was feeling under the weather and very lethargic. No excuse. Anyway I am planning to stay in abstinance today and for the rest of the week then rejoin RTM at week 3. I need to visualise a sugar drag queen too I think though at the mo I want to do more than slap her a good shake and noose round her neck might do the trick

Why oh why do I keep returning to old habits???

On my way to work but Sarah keep up the good work it is nice to know I am not on my own in this journey (granted everyones journey is different) and you are a strength to me right now. I can do this and I will do this.

Also agree with Alan work coffees must be the same the UK over. I also take in my own

Best go got to get to work

Jo

[Mrs Lard]

Well done and fascinating!!!

Watching from the sides in my can't cook, won't cook RtM corner!!

Keep going, keep inspiring!

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Sez]

We buy a mega tin of Fairtrade coffee at work, great principles but yuk coffee!!! I tend to take in my Redbush tea now.....


Any way,

have a great day Sarah. Thinking of you!

xx

[Cerulean]

Day 10


Shrimp and Sardine Remoulade with cucumber shavings

Well - I think - for the first time since I started Management I have two textbook days in a row under my belt. And I haven't felt hungry once. (???!) I wish I knew what the precise difference was between today, yesterday and the 3000+ calorie binge days...all I can think is that I may have been trying to run before I could walk last week, and this week the amount of choice and actual crunch of the raw salad veg has been 'satisfying' and I have felt sated rather than 'teased'.

I also can't believe that I never knew about low sugar jelly! It's a revelation! Hardly a gourmet experience, but it does the job as a 10 calorie pudding!

I ran a kilometer uninterrupted today (as well as other slightly shorter but almost as long bursts)! This is a HUGE achievement for me.

Getting my second gold star in a row (yes - I am that sad! - in a week or so I'll take a picture of my 'Do not let me eat cake' star chart that I keep at my desk at work so you can see!) tomorrow morning will be today's other great achievement - I also did some hard work at work today...

Oh - and my other great achievement today was leaving some of my snack veg when I felt full! I even forgot to take it home with me.

And - blimey - they are mounting up here! I started picking leaves at the fridge whilst contemplating dinner when I got home and I made the conscious decision to stop, prepare a small bowl with a tiny dressing ramekin with a couple of ounces of small leaves and celery and cucumber and take it upstairs and eat it away from the fridge. It was great! I felt quite spoilt.

I hate to say it, but dinner was splendid - I ate it really slowly because it was such a pleasure. I even managed to delay having my jelly by about 2 hours because I wasn't hungry after I finished my salad!

However, it is Wednesday tomorrow - and I don't want to make Wednesday a self-fulfilling prophecy so I will be doing everything I can to avoid the snack machine - I may take extra over limit veg and a pot of cottage cheese with me just so I have on plan food available.....juuuuust in case crazy cake queen sneaks up on me.

I have lost a few pounds of the glycogen load already so even 48 hours of solid bingeing is fixable - it's not easy, but it is possible to remedy as long as you get back into it.

[Cerulean]

When it looks like this outside...



Then I suggest doing this...



Breakfast in bed there, marvellous.

Incidentally - I am confused - the recipe booklet states low fat yog and vanilla as a Week 3 recipe, but vanilla is a week 1 ingredient (which I find odd when there's nothing to go with it short of cottage cheese!) and low fat yog is a week 2 ingredient - anyway - as I don't eat much dip dring the day, I used about 75g of yog with a tiny splash of vanilla to replace my breakfast chocolate pack (it's Wednesday so I am saving the chocolate for the night time!) Anyway - I'm off to make my snacky veg for the day. Wish me luck and hopefully today will be my third gold star day in a row . I should defrost some chicken thighs for tonight I think and maybe stuff them with garlic cottage cheese!

Oh - and glycogen update!

I'm weighing in at just over 10 st - that's er - 10lbs in 4 days. I'm not saying you can develop a pattern of eating as much crap as you like for 48 hours and then rein yourself in for 3.5 days and always live to tell the tale, but quick correction is definitely possible and a beacon of hope to those of us that have fallen by the wayside. Getting back on the wagon as quickly and enthusiastically as possible is important. My concave tummy is back after all the wheat, yeast and sugar bloating...

[Mrs Lard]

Dear Sarah

JUST the boost I need for a wet Wednesday. You are doing SOOOOO well! Very proud of you.

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxx