Back from Scotland. What a hard, hard trip.

[Blonde Logic]

Well, we made it back from Scotland after a whirlwind trip. 9.5 hours in the car Sunday – Funeral Monday – 9.5 hours in the Car Tuesday. To say I am knackered now is the understatement of the day. I knew the trip would be a challenge - but never knew how big a one.

WARNING: FOOD TALK

It was such a hard trip. It was hard, at so many levels. It was hard, obviously because of the diet – it was hard, because it awoke so many thoughts and feelings connected to my moms death which I have fought long and hard to put in their proper place– and it was hard because there was food and drink everywhere, all day every day. It was an emotional trip at so many levels that at ties I wanted to scream and times I wanted to cry, and times I wanted to just dissappear. It was pretty awful. I have been tearful all day today – partially tired, and partially frayed nerves.

The drive was ok – we stopped at several services for coffee and hubby and in-laws would get road food. So enclosed for hours with munch crunch crunch started it all. We went to the relatives for dinner when we arrived in Scotland. They all tucked into a beautiful pot of Beef Stew and big dollops of mash. It looked gorgeous. And smelled even better. But it was OK. Got through it. Made it clear that I wanted to deal with my diet discreetly, and so far so good. Mixed a pack, and answered a couple of questions about what I was doing, and then it was dropped until my hubbys uncle came in "Whats THAT?" I again explained, and began feeling very nervous. My diet is very private - I do not like others knowing I am on a diet. It makes me feel bad about me. Its my problem I know and unhealthy beahviour but it has always been that way. His making such a big deal made me embarassed and made me want to dissappear. Its a horible feeling when that happens - wanting to dissappear.

Come the day of the funeral, it started by watching my hubby and in-laws tuck into a full on breakfast. And my husband was on edge, understandably becuase of his grandfathers funeral - not to mention it was his birthday. But I felt he was being quite sharpish with me, and my feelings were hurt. So it put me in a not so good mood right off the bat. Then on to the funeral, which opened up SO many still raw emotions about my own moms death last year. Only difference was last year at her funeral I was still in shock - so it was not quite so clear if you know what I mean. It was very difficult and very painful. Two of my strongest triggers brewing just under the skin. We then went to a lovely hotel for refreshments, and suddenly I was sat in a room with 45-50 people all holding plates piled high with sandwiches and cakes. And drinks. Etc. I excused myself and told my husband I had to get out of there, so I did. There was far too much food, and after the funeral I was a breath away from scoffing a plate full of sandwiches. I really was, and if you can imagine crooked thoughts amplified, that was what was in my head. They wouldn’t be silenced. I went outside and walked around gathering feathers as there were peacocks on the grounds. So got through that. Just. I so easily could have grabbed something. Hubby's mood is somehwat improved but I still felt he was keeping very distant from me, at a time when I wanted to be of comfort to him. Sometimes he becomes rather withdrawn and that is so opposite to me, I don'tunderstand it and can;t help but take it personal because I am, as he said, "uber sensitive."

So - reception over we head back to Aunt and Uncles house to join 4 cousins, partners, etc. The drinks start flowing and people are relaxing and as from all parts of the country catching up with each other. ANd more drinks. ANd then more.

I knew Aunt had put a Lasagne in for everyone and she told me quietly - "sort yourself out whenever you are ready" and then Uncle comes out, and so kindly announces to the entire bloody neighbourghood, "We have a great big Lasagned almost ready folks!! Except for JAN SHES ON A DIET."

That is how it made me feel. Just like that little non-smiley face. I wa stunned, and so humiliated and embarassed. I was almost speechless but managed to stammer, "Uh, yeah - thanks for that Uncle." He said it louder then anyone was speaking - they ALL Heard, and then looked at me. I really wanted to shrivel up and just blow away with the breeze.

As if thats not bad enough - I go inside and what was meant to be a casual "grab some lasagne and perch somewhere" had turned in to a formal sit-at-the table meal. Well I had decided I was not going to make anything for me - after his announcement I just didnt want to have anyone ask me anything. So I came in with a coffee, and sat next to mom in law. Notice Aunt who wa going to be eating had no place to sit so I said "Sit here, dont be silly" as she was going to get a stool. I said you are eating, you sit down and relax. My father in law then announces, "yeah -we don't feed 'er". Which again put all the attention on me - now already upset by al of the days events - I felt like a caged animal, all eyes on me, etc. I just about started to cry and said "Please don;t make a big deal of this." and walked out of the room.

I came back in and grabbed the stool, which I realised when sat on it would make me abuot chest high with the table. Like a little kid. I just hung back now upset enough I did not want to participate in any conversations - exhcange any smiles - I just wanted to be left alone and dissappear.

They whole table was talking about death, dying, sickness, suffering, broken families(as a result of a death) and I could feel myself falling - my OH saw ne and rushed to myside - again drawing attention.

I was just in such a state of mind I wanted NO attention drawn to me - it was not about me. But I just couldn;t win.

I know this whole self-conscious thing is my issue. BUt it was humiliating for ME. OH cannot understand this, and I tried to explain because how HE would realct is not the same as how I react. My muminlaw saw and heard some of what had happened and felt awful, and then I felt awful - I know my father in law would never EVER in a million years say something if he thought it wouldhurt me. He thought he was being funny, etc. And he did sincerely apologise the next morning.

But hell, I am going on too long. The end result, is my OH and I rowed on the night of his grandads funeral and his birthday and I just fel awful about every single aspect of the trip. I couldnt wait to get home.

So many times I thought to sneak out and eat something. I just wanted to so bad, at one point I was in tears.

But - I made it. I didn;t eat a thing - I made it. BUt it was sooooo hard. This was an emotional roller coaster and I really was not sure if I was going to make it through.

I feel shattered now and absolutely exhausetd from emottions - be it sharing them or hiding them.

Thank god I am home, and I am so very grateful now I did not lapse. That was close -a nd it was scary.

So, I really needed to get that off my chest because my OH who is always so supportive of em and my diet was not in the space to understand what I was going through, and for days felt really alone with no one to talk to. I needed to get this off my chest.

Sorry for any typos. Will correct eventually, but I need to put my feet up and close my eyes for a moment or too.

What a long awful few days.
So glad to be home.

xxx

[Pinkie :)]

Aww hunny... what a trip you've had... huuuuge hugs for dealing with so many things thrown at you, in a way which you should be thoroughly proud of! xxxx

You battled numerous demons and areas where you say you need help, and although absolutely physically and emotionally drained (understandably), you stuck to it! You did brilliantly... what an achievement... and you know? If you could handle the few days you just had, you can handle anything I reckon!

Much love, and hang in there... you're back home now, and compared to that, it's gonna be a breeze from here on in... x

Luv ya... xxxxx

[Blonde Logic]

Wow - I can see a whole lot of CBT work that needs to go on around the above!!! lol Sheesh - what a nell.

Hubby and I just spoke and I feel a lot better to get it off my chest - I burst in to tears, just cause I miss my mom so much - and it felt good to let it go. SO feeling better now, but sheesh - what a pity party I was having, wasn;t I!!!

Need to look at all of that very seriously - me thinks there is some CBT lessons I need to learn in every aspect of how I had been feeling. Kind of embarassing really. lol

I guess I just needed to stomp my feet and pout for whatever reason....now I jut need to pin point what the real reason really was - and then go from there.

[karmawitch]

Gosh BL, such an emotional roller coaster for you, and a killer road trip too boot. I really feel fornyou, the whole thing must've been horrendous.

However, you got through it, you are the winner, you put your thoughts and feelings into place and dealt with it. I'm not so sure I could have remained so restrained and strong. You need to give yourself a huge pat on the back for that, and know that there are so many people on these boards who admire you so much for your strength and honesty.

Just wanted to get my pennith worth in !!!

Hugs x

[Blonde Logic]

<<hugs>> Thanks H I got your message and its so nice to se you again.

Unfortunatley the trip was so fast there was no time to meet anyone. There are a couple of people I have met here and another forum that live there, so it would have been such a great and rare opportunity. Sadly it just wouldnt have been the right time. But ya never know = we love it there so may go back yet again. Where abouts are you?

[Orinoconomore]

So brave. So in tune. So at one with what matters. Go BL xx

[misslouise193]

BL - it sounds like you had a really rough time but you dealt with it fantastically certainly with more will power than I would have had!!!
Where in Scotland were you?

X

[slendablenda]

Welcome home hun. You, C and in-laws all got so much going on and different emotions. Hard.
Love you. xx
Wanna go for a coffee at the week-end, or come here?

[SerenityValley]

Sounds like you were amazing, bl. you'll do this by god!

[karmawitch]

Thanks for the welcome BL, I'm in Northumberland on the coast, about 12 miles from Newcastle