Depression question? (genuine question)

[Sez]

I am wondering if anyone who has done this diet long term has ever gone through really black spells, of mood?

I have been utterly elated at the weight I have lost so far, and am delighted to now be wearing a size 12, in the main. However, I have honestly, never felt the way I have of late. It is more than just feeling fed up, I am close to tears most of the time, and I have huge feelings of being unable to cope and a complete failure. My every waking thought seems to be LL, and the seeing of this through to the bitter end. The odd thing is, despite my loss so far, I sincerely cannot see an end to all this. My head keeps telling me that "if this is hard, you will be cr*p at the rest of your life.... you will put it on again, you know that..." I do understand this negative thinking, self sabotage or whatever, I did listen in the CBT, honest!! But I feel jus kinda black the whole time, I want to be all on my own most of the time I able, I am hiding away, from my family, my life, my friends and of course food. (Like that is the big enemy)

I cant cope anymore, and I wonder if this is a side effect of long term LL?

I hope you can help me, I really hate visiting the GP!

[Delli]

huney, i dont know what to tell you apart from we are all here if u need us and i hope someone a bit more experienced will b along soon to help u.

big hugs
xx

[Tazzi]

HHmmmmm hi Sarah,
I have battled with depression most of my life and still do. The tablets i am on at the minute are working but i too also have the same fears as you.......I have begun reading the Beyond Chocolate book about how people relate to food etc...and im NOT suggesting this to you but it has worked for me...so far. It asks you to think about yourself and what you are feeling at a particular time.
(I am on CD btw) i had an eating disorder until a month before i started CD (well still have that subconsiously i suppose) i had to prove that i could manage. I love CD BECAUSE i dont have to think about it. But soon the end will come and i will need to learn how to eat again. I have started cooking at the moment and food shopping (something i couldnt do before happily).
If youre depressed you might find initial medication helpful and allow a brighter outlook on youre situation. If you are depressed when you come off the diet it will be harder than if you are positive.

Trust me it has taken me nearly 10 years to figure this out and i may well be asking the same question as you in the new year. But at least you can think...if i put on a little weight i can loose it in a week by doing LL. My CDC said that if i am more than 10 pounds over my goal i need to start CD straight away.

Hope this helps or doesnt but i understand your situation.

Love Taz x

[Tiger Girl]

Hey Sez

I think it's really ok to be feeling like this, ie it's really understandable. I've been consumed by the LL world all year too and like you, am near to goal. I think there could be all sorts of things wrapped up in this one for you. Mourning the weight loss? Odd but oh so common.
Fearful of what lies ahead? For me, I'm approaching a weight I've not been for years and years - so long in fact that it feels like the unknown and that can throw up loads of stuff.
A life changing year which has brought up some maybe deeply buried thoughts about how you felt 100lb's heavier?
It easily could be any of these and all/some of these can be very overwhelming and therefore leading to this period of hybernation.
You've written that despite the loss you really can't believe there is an end to this - that says so much! And again, I think it's all very normal. Why would you be able to see the end if the end has not presented itself to you for quite some time, or ever for that matter.
It sounds like maybe some of these panic thoughts are really linked to both reflection and facing the future. I wonder how you could make them feel less overwhelming? I empathise so much with everything you've said and I'm sure there are many other mini's who have/who are facing the same fears.
One of my most significant breakthroughs was changing a major belief that my entire life will change when I'm thin. Well I still run into the office late almost every day, still have to deal with a sh*t load of issues at work - constantly, still have to get through it all everyday! The magic wand syndrome was all so untrue!! I was devastated though when the penny dropped. It was a tricky time and took a bit of work on the old installing new beliefs front, but it did pass. As with all crazy moments on this diet, they do pass. One of my friends who has a 1yr old described the first 12 months of his existence as just living in a constant environment of change, like every day something new was happening. I think LL is like that sometimes. The physical changes are so rapid that the mental stuff can sometimes take a bit of time catching up and you're always having to reconcile mind and body.
Hope you're doing good today. A little bit of hiding away never harmed anyone in my opinion. Doesn't a caterpillar completely disintegrate before reforming as a gorgeous butterfly? So if you need to take a mini break from a few things and get your head together then go for it!
Post soon with all news
x

[icemoose]

What you are saying is common and personally I think the reason is that most of have or do use food as an outlet for something else i.e. stress so hence once you have taken that outlet away i.e. being slim then whatever is the true cause builds up inside of you.

I think it is the reason that most people who lose weight but don't deal with the reasons for becoming overweight tend to feel this way as they suddenly have to either face up to the real issue or go looking for another outlet (be that through smoking, gambling, over spending etc etc) as ultimately you sub concious will find an outlet to use if it thinks it needs one.

I don't like the word depression because it is a label and if you use it on someone then they start to believe it but I would say that you need to explore the reasons behind the way you feel and I think you will find they aren't really food related.

Mike

[Mrs Lard]

Hi Sez

I was going to post with questions but Tiger Girl has done a perfect job. I think there is so much of the magic wand syndrome about weight loss. I fantasised that my WHOLE life would change if I were slim but it hasn't happened.

All that eating (too much) had done for me was distract me from all my OTHER problems! They haven't gone away. And I notice now, when I eat for any reason other than hunger, it's because I can't face what's going on - from tiredness to anxiety to frustration.

Sez - I checked out your ticker; blimey, you've done AMAZINGLY well! Maybe you need time to adjust to the new you; that's a big difference.

Over on the Highs and Lows of Development, we looked a lot at potential - you know, if we crack weight loss what else can we achieve? That's a double whammy, I think, of excitement and fear AND regret. How many of us have "failed" at other diets yet succeeded with LighterLife? How many times have you thought..."if only...I'd done this years ago? I know I have.

You have persevered with LighterLife; you've been on an amazing journey and stuck with it, when others would have given up. You haven't. I wonder if you are not just a teeny tiny bit shattered - mentally, physically and emotionally. You have dug deep so many times that you probably need a giant hug, a month-long lie in and some huge TLC.

Instead, you must 'get on' with real life!

Remember, people in rehab get looked after; we've done food rehab without the back up (taking care of the day-to-day domestic stuff)!

A weight expert friend of mine says that a lot of people put weight back on because they haven't adjusted to the new them! It takes time.

Give yourself time, Sez and a few early nights. And then try to find ways of rewarding yourself for your amazing achievements. Because, Sez, you've done really, really well.

With much love

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[leesy]

Sez,

I tried to PM you, but I don't think I have enough points to do that yet!

Just to let you know that I really relate to everything you said, and there are a lot of similarities in our journeys I think and I would love to talk to you more about it.

As everyone else has said, we are all here for you. Take care of yourself, recognise the immense change you have made in your life, and allow yourself to feel it and come to terms with it.

This is the big downfall of development I am finding, the support you need is not necessarily there. You are no longer with a close knit group of people who are going through the same thing as you, or who are even at the same stage as you anymore, and that is hard.

I don't know the answer - I am slowly sending myself and my family insane at the moment too as I am trying to come to terms with everything that is happening. I have even picked up an old vice - cigarettes, which I am MAD about as I worked so hard to kick that habit nearly two years ago, and my mental state is sending me right back to another unhealthy addiction. I know I will deal with it, and I have to stop thinking... well at least I am not eating.... and start looking at what I am really doing with as rational a mind as I can muster right now.

Anyway, enough rambling... use the excellent support here - and the advice so far - look after yourself in all the ways you can. Think about all the things you love, things that give you pleasure and make you laugh or smile... and do them!

Much love
xoxoxoxoxox

[chunkychicken]

Hi Sez

Just wanted to add my support to this thread - although I really don't have much new to add to the already brilliant advice from everyone who has already posted.

The only additional thing I can add is that LL is so all encompassing sometimes that it can completely consume you. You start to live in a world of absolutes which is just not healthy. You have a "100%" day and you feel on top of the world, then you have a less than perfect day and you loathe yourself. That kind of "world is black and white" thinking just isn't sustainable - it is exhausting. As is the constant yearning for time to pass and all this to be over.
As Mrs L said - I think it is perfectly possible to burn out. All the effort, all the mental anguish - it has to take its toll. I certainly can't remember a time where I have worked so hard on myself mentally as I have these past 7 months.
I don't have the answer for you dear Sarah, but I would suggest that you try to be a little kinder to yourself. This is one of the biggest and best things I have learnt on my journey. You seem to be just as hypercritical of yourself as I am, it takes work to change that and constant awareness of how you "talk to yourself" inwardly. But it is so important. A lot of your posts are filled with self loathing - and yet when another mini comes to the forum for help - you are there in a flash offering advice and support and patience... if you can muster the energy to help all of us, I am sure you can learn to be patient and understanding with yourself when times get tough.
Finally, time alone can be healing and necessary - but only when it is used in a helpful way. Only you know whether this time is being used to heal yourself or hurt yourself. Usually when I want to be alone it is because I feel desperate and low and I want to hide. if you are in that state of mind it can be hard to help yourself. Sometimes it is better to reach out to someone you love and bite the bullet and ask for help. Ask for postive strokes, ask for a hug, ask for a break from chores, get out of your normal environment and go for a walk and a chat - just blow the cobwebs off. Often when you let someone you trust in - they can help you more than you think they could.
I am constantly amazed by how much better I feel when I do this, even though I am still learning how to ask for what I need (it still feels uncomfortable sometimes) but it is always worth it.
It may help others around you understand how hard you are finding things - they may be very worried about you, and appreciate being included.

Sorry bit of a ramble sez, but I am still half asleep.
Hope you start to feel better soon - take care of yourself
Laura

[Dancing]

Hiya Sez, how are you doing today?

Some really excellent posts already given to you and I hope something in them hits the spot for you.

I had one other thought, could part of it be that you have had LL as a focus and purpose all this time and now it is nearly over and you don't have a new goal that gives your life purpose?

Perhaps you could find the next thing to work towards. Whether it be health related, a new skill, saving for a holiday, yoga, self help books re. positive thinking, or volunteer work?

I do understand how you are feeling, I have had deep depressions before and am currently on antidepressants having always decided on previous occasions that I could work through it myself. Well I did but I got pretty low in the process. This time I decided to take preventative action and stop it before it got to that point as it can be self destructive and isolating.

There are many philosophical writers who talk of the value of giving to those in need in order to overcome what you are going through. I know that it can feel like you have no energy or desire to do that but it is (and Gandhi said) in helping others that we find ourselves. It turns the focus off ourselves ... and it is about those repetitive negative thoughts going through our head. Try to find a CBT book (if you have an ipod there are many self help, positive thinking, CBT type audiobooks on itunes).

All the best. Whatever you do, do something. Ok. ..... however, you probably need a set amount of time just to wallow for awhile.
Allow yourself the time and give yourself a date when you will take a small positive step and then stick to it, ignoring all the negative thoughts that try to talk you out of it.

[madhatter400]

Hi Sez and fellow Minis!

All i can say is i know how you feel i have been on LL for 184 days and not broken it once I am now getting towards to the end of it (9 weeks to go hopefully!) and I just feel so low even though I know I have achieved so much! I am looking to the end and not because i want to go back to eating but because i am exhausted, physically and mentally and I need to do something. I have made lots of changes in my life since LL as I realised the magic wand syndrome of weight loss and then everything being perfect does not work and I have to take steps to make positive changes in my life. So i have looked in at things that make me unhappy and I have tried to change them....it is hard sometimes and although i have succeed in some aspects and made other positive changes I am still left feeling very unsatisfied....still empty...still have this massive gaping hole that needs to be filled up and used to be filled up with food and alcohol.....what's wrong with me! Maybe the lesson is to look back at all that i have achieved and just keep on striding forward but taking a moment to stand still and take it all in and sink in and try to slowly find pieces wether its doing more stuff for me, spending time with friends or taking a new activity to fill up this empty hole. One thing i do realise is that it could take me the rest of my life to do this and that's quite daunting. I think the advice everyone has given is so so so good and so true and has in fact really helped me (so thank you) and it has made me realise that I am not alone as you are not alone in this journey too.

Mad x

[Sez]

Hi! So much to say, but in all honestly it is a huge thanks to all of you. I have read, very carefully, all of your posts, and its good to know I am not going completely nuts!

I think I do, most def, have issues I need to address, however I am not sure what these might be! I have a lot of self doubt, and swing wildly from how welll I have done, to (in the main) how rubbish I am because I am struggling so much now.

Thanks again EVERYONE!! I am so glad to have Minis on tap!

xx