Will I ever be thin, in MY eyes

[KD]

Do you need to look slim in your eyes?...really??

I'm sure you think you do, but if you get your head in the right place, it wont really matter.

There are two main things that a dieter wants. One to be healthy, and the other is to look slim.

Being healthy. Yes, you will feel so much better. It's amazing. You will be so proud of yourself and have more energy.

Looking slim. Yes, it takes time for the brain to catch up with itself (mine's in a permenant state of plateau), but how important is it?

We want others to see us as slim. There's no doubt about it. What good is looking slim if nobody is around to see it? How important would it be for you to look slim if you were on a desert island and would never see anyone again? Looking slim would mean nothing. Feeling healthy and light would mean everything.

So, as long as people see you as slim (which they will), you can take comfort in that

BTW, I found that if I look in a mirror, I see fat. If I catch my reflection unexpectedly, I look slim. I catch my brain offguard.

[Blonde Logic]

Do you need to look slim in your eyes?...really??

I'm sure you think you do, but if you get your head in the right place, it wont really matter.

There are two main things that a dieter wants. One to be healthy, and the other is to look slim.

Being healthy. Yes, you will feel so much better. It's amazing. You will be so proud of yourself and have more energy.

Looking slim. Yes, it takes time for the brain to catch up with itself (mine's in a permenant state of plateau), but how important is it?

We want others to see us as slim. There's no doubt about it. What good is looking slim if nobody is around to see it? How important would it be for you to look slim if you were on a desert island and would never see anyone again? Looking slim would mean nothing. Feeling healthy and light would mean everything.

So, as long as people see you as slim (which they will), you can take comfort in that

BTW, I found that if I look in a mirror, I see fat. If I catch my reflection unexpectedly, I look slim. I catch my brain offguard.

Why is it important? Well, for me, as you may know from previous posts, when I was a teen and young adult, I was slim. ABuot 9 or 10 stone in my 20s, probably less in school. But - in my mind, I was fat, and horrible, and embaraasd and ashamed of my body....I could not see that I was just like everyone else. That cost me dearly, and had a horrific impact on my self esteem which lasts to this day. I missed out on many of the joys of being a teen. I sat on the sidelines. And it makes me sad I missed all that. I don't wallow in it - don't get me wrong - but I do regret it teribly. There is noone to blame - it was just my very warped self image. My perception of me.

It still pains me, and I do not want to spend the next half of my life, still seeing the 'fat kid' in the mirror, thereby believing and not living life to the fullest.

So it is important to me. I want to learn to have an accurate self image, and to accept and appreciate myself.

I look at it slighlty different then you.....yes, it will be nice for others to see me slim....but it will be meaningless if I hate myself. People di see me slim....but I chose to believe my twisted head rathar then the reality and it cost me a lot.

I gets a bit more complicated then that, but thats how I can best explain what I meant. I hope it makes sense!! lol

[KD]

But - in my mind, I was fat, and horrible, and embaraasd and ashamed of my body....I could not see that I was just like everyone else. That cost me dearly, and had a horrific impact on my self esteem which lasts to this day.

But don't you think you are then looking for self esteem in the wrong place? Your self esteem will come from within. Loving yourself for who you are, not what you think you look like.

There is noone to blame - it was just my very warped self image. My perception of me.

But you'll know this time. You'll know it's your crooked thinking, and hopefully it wont concern you so much. You're older and wiser now

So it is important to me. I want to learn to have an accurate self image, and to accept and appreciate myself.

You can accept and appreciate yourself at any stage of the journey. That wont come with slimness. If you think that you can only increase your self esteem by looking acceptable to others, then I reckon you're on to a loser...IMO and all that You'll always see things that you don't like. Nothing is ever perfect if you have low self esteem, it's not the prize you get when you reach goal.

You may well be very proud of yourself for reaching that goal; you may feel terrific because you've lost the weight, but if you are more concerned about how others view you, then you are on shaky ground, because people are fickle. What if they don't tell you (which will happen when the novelty of your reaching goal wears off?) what if you do see that slim person, but nobody backs it up? After all, surely if you want to look slim, then you are wanting approval from others....not really doing it for yourself.

yes, it will be nice for others to see me slim....but it will be meaningless if I hate myself.

If others see you as slim, and the scales agree, but you still hate yourself, then your size isn't the issue.

but I chose to believe my twisted head rathar then the reality and it cost me a lot.

I do understand. Been there, done that and all that, that's why you need to change that twisted head, because believing it last time didn't get you slim forever did it?

I'm not saying it isn't nice to be able to see a beautiful reflection for ourselves. Of course it is. But it's the icing on the cake...just not that important in the long run.

I really don't expect you to believe me Think about it though, because it's important if you want to get off the yoyo dieting regime forever.

Feel free to challenge me. Haven't had a good debate in ages

Let me ask you a question. Why do you want to lose weight?

[Blonde Logic]

But don't you think you are then looking for self esteem in the wrong place? Your self esteem will come from within. Loving yourself for who you are, not what you think you look like.

Yes, I agree - but 47 years of learned behaviour will take time to undo and adjust the thinking, don't you think? I wish it were just there NOW, like a lightswitch, but I can't seem to find that.

But you'll know this time. You'll know it's your crooked thinking, and hopefully it wont concern you so much. You're older and wiser now

Again, I guess I just attribut this to the fact that my inside voice has been positively awful for most of 47 years. I hope I am older and wiser. I am certainly older!! lol

You can accept and appreciate yourself at any stage of the journey. That wont come with slimness. If you think that you can only increase your self esteem by looking acceptable to others, then I reckon you're on to a loser...IMO and all that You'll always see things that you don't like. Nothing is ever perfect if you have low self esteem, it's not the prize you get when you reach goal.

I will accept and apreciate myself, when I can. I can't just yet. Ihave let myself down too many time. I know It is negative chatter - I realise that - but I am not one who can just silence it on demand. WIsh I was!

You may well be very proud of yourself for reaching that goal; you may feel terrific because you've lost the weight, but if you are more concerned about how others view you, then you are on shaky ground, because people are fickle. What if they don't tell you (which will happen when the novelty of your reaching goal wears off?) what if you do see that slim person, but nobody backs it up? After all, surely if you want to look slim, then you are wanting approval from others....not really doing it for yourself.

You missed my point though - I am not concerned how OTHERS see me, I am concerned how I see me. I;ve gotten good at turning a blind eye to others disparaging looks, etc. It;s not about them, its about me. There is a certain amount of truth thought to what you say, I do want some approval from others. Doesn't everyone? To a degree? But that is not necisariyl about my weigh - just in general.

If others see you as slim, and the scales agree, but you still hate yourself, then your size isn't the issue.
I do understand. Been there, done that and all that, that's why you need to change that twisted head, because believing it last time didn't get you slim forever did it?

True.

I'm not saying it isn't nice to be able to see a beautiful reflection for ourselves. Of course it is. But it's the icing on the cake...just not that important in the long run.

but again, I think you are thinking I am looking at this from a vanity point of view?....what I am saying is that I hope my head changes, finally, and I have a perspective in reality rathar then fantasy or self deprecating. That to me is as important as anything esle.

I really don't expect you to believe me Think about it though, because it's important if you want to get off the yoyo dieting regime forever.

I don;t NOT believe you at all - I just think you have had more time to sort all that out and work on it, and I am just learning. So I do value what you are saying. I know it, I think, I mean I think I understand it....I am just not very good at applying it. I have never been one of those 'in touch' with themselves, and all that new agey stuff.(not saying you are or aren't- just trying to describe it) ..I just sort of trundle through life, trying to enjoy myself best I can, without ever getting deep, etc. Not very good maybe, but that was how it has been. That sort of complacency has caused me other problems in life too. So these are things I am hoping to learn how to change.

Let me ask you a question. Why do you want to lose weight?

because every bone in my body hurts. Because I can't do anything physical. becasue I want to be healthy. because my drawers are stuffed to the brim because plus size clothing is huge. because I want to be like most others. becasue I want to put my seat tray down on an airplane. because I want to get to the top of the stairs without huffing. because I want to notvbreak in to a sweat the first weed I pull in the summer. because I want to look nice. because I want to feel good.

Theres a start! lol

[KD]

Yes, I agree - but 47 years of learned behaviour will take time to undo and adjust the thinking, don't you think? I wish it were just there NOW, like a lightswitch, but I can't seem to find that.

It'll come if you let it. If you question beliefs you've had for ages. Takes time. I'm 52, and have spent a lifetime hating myself, thinking I was fat, thinking people thought so too, but the crooked thinking can be straightened out.

Again, I guess I just attribut this to the fact that my inside voice has been positively awful for most of 47 years. I hope I am older and wiser. I am certainly older!! lol

LOL. It's time to start working on changing. Just because you've always believed that inner voice, doesn't mean you have to continue to think that way.

You missed my point though - I am not concerned how OTHERS see me, I am concerned how I see me. I;ve gotten good at turning a blind eye to others disparaging looks, etc. It;s not about them, its about me.

Aaah, but is it really. That's what I thought. I wanted to feel good about me, and I thought that would come by looking slim. Truth is, it doesn't really matter how we look if there's nobody there to see us does it? Would you feel it was important that you looked good if everyone was blind?

There is a certain amount of truth thought to what you say,

There's a heck of a lot of truth about what I say, you just can't see it all yet LOL

what I am saying is that I hope my head changes, finally, and I have a perspective in reality rathar then fantasy or self deprecating. That to me is as important as anything esle.

You are your head. You can make it think whatever you like. Do the work. Question yourself and all the things that you have learned to believe. Never accept that these negatives are a part of you.

I just think you have had more time to sort all that out and work on it, and I am just learning.

And I'm just giving you a short cut, because it took me too long to work it out

So I do value what you are saying. I know it, I think, I mean I think I understand it....

It's hard I know. It's just not what people say is it. People don't usually stand up and say it doesn't matter and so we go through life thinking it's important.

I have never been one of those 'in touch' with themselves, and all that new agey stuff.(not saying you are or aren't- just trying to describe it) ..

Read and understood. I'm not either. I did go through a very religious, spiritual phase, but now I'm as down to earth and you'll find. I don't work on 'loving myself'. The thought makes me want to heave. I don't read books on how to value myself, how to get in touch with my innermost feelings, but I do question...and question...and question.

because every bone in my body hurts. Because I can't do anything physical. becasue I want to be healthy. because my drawers are stuffed to the brim because plus size clothing is huge. because I want to be like most others. becasue I want to put my seat tray down on an airplane. because I want to get to the top of the stairs without huffing. because I want to notvbreak in to a sweat the first weed I pull in the summer.

And all valid reasons for wanting to lose weight. These are the things that will raise your self esteem...make you feel good. Value yourself.

because I want to look nice.

Yes, we all want to, but it's good to see that you've put that within a sentence at the bottom of the list The other things are more important

because I want to feel good.

And you will. You'll be so proud of yourself. You'll have so much more energy. It will be easier to buy clothes, sit on planes etc. This is what you'll need to remember to keep you maintaining.

I'm not judging you BL. Thinking you are vain or anything. Just trying to share something I learnt along the way.

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks Karion! I didn't feel you were judging me, and I appreciate your insight. That is what is so great about this site, you ahead of us have got the knowledge!! I appreciate your points and your taking the time to challenge me.

I see what you are saying, I just need to start changing the way I chatter inside my head.

Onwards and upwards as they say!!

Thanks.

[KD]

Aaah, good on ya. I do go off on one sometimes and I'm sure people think I'm crazy, but I know it takes time to work on it, and you might not be able to just yet. That's fine too.

Keep chugging along and as long as you bear it in mind rather than dismissing it offhand, you may just get your own personal lightbulb moment and it'll all start falling into place.

[ladylite]

KD - You are crazy but we love you.

BL - There will be a session on Crooked thinking, dont think you have got that far yet.

[silhouettes]

For me it is essential that i can see myself as slim. At the moment i am a size 14 and see myself still as a size 26+. This is cause for concern as it means that i dont notice when i put weight on and also i am worried that i will never see that i am 'slim ' enough and want to keep on loosing weight. Neither being very good places to be in.
I lost weight before and had major problems with it then I put on 2 stones yet the picture i saw in the mirror was exactly the same. It didnt matter what the scales said or other people said, it was my own view of my body that was distorted. For me it is not a self confidence/self loving thing but a complete distortion of the size i see myself as.
I must learn to see myself as 'slim' or 'my true size' or the damage this could cause could be immense.

[Clarabel]

I've not read the whole thread - only your first post.

But I think the key to this is a mantra. And doing and saying it to yourself in the mirror. I love myself; I am thin and beautiful and I love myself that way etc...or something like that.

[KD]

KD - You are crazy but we love you.

There's genius in my craziness though

[KD]

This is cause for concern as it means that i dont notice when i put weight on and also i am worried that i will never see that i am 'slim ' enough and want to keep on loosing weight. Neither being very good places to be in.

People want to lose weight for a variety of reasons.

1. They want to look slim
2. They want to feel good physically

Very few mention that really, what they want is to get their eating under control. They want to be 'normal', yet I guess that really is a priority for most.

The problem is that the balance is out. People think/decide they want to look slim more than anything else. Blame our culture

If you concentrate on making the 2nd one more of a priority then you are more likely to step off that yoyo dieting treadmill, because you will be doing it totally for yourself, rather than to gain admiration for others. Yes, I know people say that they want to look good for themselves, but it really is for others As I said before, would it matter if they were all blind? You probably wouldn't care two hoots.

If you make No. 1 top priority, you will still be stuck with the eating problems. You can be slim and have bad eating habits, poor health and will constantly be chasing the scales up and down, because your self esteem will still be low.

I lost weight before and had major problems with it then I put on 2 stones yet the picture i saw in the mirror was exactly the same. It didnt matter what the scales said or other people said, it was my own view of my body that was distorted. For me it is not a self confidence/self loving thing but a complete distortion of the size i see myself as.

I would say you didn't put that weight back on because you thought you looked big. You put that weight back on because you had eating issues and you scored your worth based on your body size (or how you saw it).

I must learn to see myself as 'slim' or 'my true size' or the damage this could cause could be immense.

I respectfully disagree. You need to learn to love yourself. Not your image, but that you are responsible, can accept yourself and that you have integrity. Learn how to do that through combatting any eating disorders and the focus of how you think you will look will diminish. I'm not talking about never being concerned about it....just not making it top priority.

And with that self esteem will come the control over your weight.

Not particularly well put, but had a very trying day at school

[Blonde Logic]

Blame our culture

If you think it is bad here, try America. It is far worse there. Ironic really since our country leads in obesity.

But yeah, the pressure there is immense. It's disgusting. I know it's bad here too, don't get me wrong, but I have not been made to feel unnacceptable here by any friends or colleagues.....I do it myslef. lol I see young girls here wearing way less then they should be, if you know what I mean, and they do not get torn apart. Somene ack home would be ridiculed and berated publicly.

In America, if you are fat, you are invisible, undesireable, a non-entity. At least in California. You will never see so may stick thin people obessed with losing weight as you will along the coast of Southern California. Its sad.

[silhouettes]

I think we will have to agree to disagree kariondieting

[KD]

I think we will have to agree to disagree kariondieting

Yes I think so...for the time being anyway

You may cover this in your LL sessions. I'm not sure. I am told that the brill Gillian Riley book on overeating talks about this in a lot of detail.

I've never read the book, but lots of people on here have and speak highly of it, so there's a possibility that it's not such a crazy way of thinking