Will I ever be thin, in MY eyes

[Blonde Logic]

Ahh yes, a cup of coffee, a litre of water, a smoke and some early morning ramblings...

Yesterday I was wondering what it is going to be like when I am thin. (right there is a notable difference - usually I would have said I wonder what it's like to be thin - referring to others, not myself). But this time is different - I am planning on my future being slim. Definatly a different approach and outlook this time. Interesting.

Anyway, I was wondering if I will recognise that I am thin, when I get there. All my life, as said in previous posts, I felt horrible and overweight, and this fat thing that noone could stand to look at, to touch, to love. But looking back on photos, I know, logically, that was not the case. I WAS slim!! <shaing head> If only I could have seen that just once - things might have turned out differently?

How will I look at myself now I wonder....when I am slim. Will I have shed that horrible self image? Or will I always feel unworthy and fat.

I suppose that is sort of what I was talking about on Claire's thread, about being frightened of actually being thin. That is one aspect of it. Am I ever going to SEE it.

The mirror does play tricks on one. When I went to our chirtsmas doo just this past christmas, as I said, I was dreading it. So I tried to find something that was 'ok' to wear and made me look at least 'ok'. And I thought I had. The typical black and dark clothes. But looking in the mirror that night - I thought it was passable, but then, seeing photos aferwards I wanted to shrivel up and dissappear! I was embarassed by them, and ashamed. And I wonder what the others must have said when they saw the pics. (I hate not being the owner of the camera at public doos - I just know they are going to see horrible photos. At least if its mine - I can delete them!)

So yes, I find the mirror an interesting thing.

IF when I was thin, I saw myself as fat - and now that I am fat, I see myself as 'just passable' (definatly denial!)....how will I know if I truly see myself for what I am. Do we see what we want to see?

And if so - why did I choose to see myself as fat when I was younger, when I was not? Why would I care so little about myself to 'punish' me like that? That still makes me sad. SO much time lost.

Something to ponder.

As Suns' post said, I know I will ALWAYS have to be on guard with my weight. It will never come naturally. And I suppose I could feel sorry for myself, and sometimes I do a little if I am honest, but everybody has got some monkey on their back. I guess this is mine.

So much is going to change, isn't it. Shedding the equivelant of another person is going to have big a impact on the psyche.

I hope I'm ready!

X

[silhouettes]

I know exactly how you feel as i have the very same fears myself. I struggle to see the 8.5 stones that i have lost although logically know there is a huge difference.
I hope that part of the counselling on LL will help me to put my true size into perspective and looking at the photos taken from the meetings might mean that eventually i can see it.

[scotwannabethin]

Ladies, I am in the same boat. I know what the labels in the clothes that I now wear say but I don't think that it has really sunk in. I still feel like that fat woman I used to see in the mirror and not the slim woman that I really do know that I am now.
Something just hasn't clicked yet.
I still feel that when I walk into a clothes shop that the assistants will be looking at me and thinking what is she doing in here? Because I am sure when I was larger that they did.
I guess time will tell as to how we relate to our new versions of ourselves.
I, like many, know that this is something that I will always need to keep my eye on and my guard can't slip or I will end up back where I began and I really, really don't want to be there. Food will always be an issue for me, I just need to learn to manage it.
Hopefully one day I will look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.

[ladylite]

I think you ladies need to talk to your inner Chatter Box. Speak to it on a regular basis and tell it. Well I am looking better, I am feeling better and I am definately healthier. Remember negative thoughts beget negative thoughts. Positive thoughts make you feel really good. You may feel a total twat when you first start doing this, but you never know it may make you laugh, and laughter is very very healthy.

I have been as you say thin/slim although I am not a lover of those words. Mainly because some people are happy and healthy just above being slim/thin. When I weighed 9.7 (which was in the upper part of the healthy zone) I was told by someone that I was fat. They didnt take into account I had just had a baby and the flabby bits would probably drop off naturally.

I am not po poing your concerns, but as I can see it you deserve medals. Look what you have achieved, how many people could stay in abstinence like we do.

Try using your chatter box to eliminate your concerns by swapping them for postitive thoughts.

You will all be lovely when you a fit and heathy and at the weight YOU wanna be.

I probably feel this way as I dont share those concerns, and I can see yours from the outside and dont like to see you all worry yourselves when you are doing sooooo well. We are all different and I do have many other concerns that you have helped me with.

I dont know about you it took years to get this big, so losing it quickly is going to be a shock to the system, as we havnt got as long to get used to it, but I have wasted enough of my life being large and feeling awful, I am definately gonna enjoy every minute of this new trim and healthy me.

all.

[icemoose]

It takes a while to adjust, I would guesstimate it took me a year after reaching goal weight to realise that I was actually slim at an unconcious level.

I still used to look at my jeans when I put them on and think they weren't going to fit and used to worry about fitting in gaps but then found I walked straight through.

Time does help but also the scales don't lie! If the scales say you have a healthy BMI then how can you argue with that ?

In terms of looking in the mirror then you will see what you want to see, if you want to see yourself in a bad light you will, if you want to see a superstar then you will...all in the mind.

Mike

[x-Katie-x]

I agree with Lady in that we need to tell ourselves how much better we look, slimmer we look, healthier we feel. I know that for me when I did this last time there were loads of people who commented on how much slimmer I was etc but that didn't necessarily make me feel good - there were times when I'd take it on board and think it was great they'd commented, other times they'd comment and I'd just think about what I saw and how much I knew I had still to lose and other times when I'd just feel bad that they felt they had to say something, no I don't mean that they had to say something I mean that I was so big before that the situation was there to talk about.

This time I aim to enjoy the new me, I'm already relishing in the difference I can feel in my waist and nobody else has noticed anything yet. I'm doing this for me and it's a difficult journey I'm on but I plan to try and enjoy it the best I can and to enjoy every little bonus I feel in my body, be it clothes going loose, feeling the inches drop off, finding bones that had previously been hidden in fat, seeing the difference in the mirror and fitting into new clothes - the whole gamut. This way I believe that if I do take on board all of these things as I go slim then when I am slim it won't feel as big a trauma.

[ladylite]

There is a very good thread re "self esteem" by Diva on "Bring your head inside"

I would put a link but you know me by now

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks for all the good replys. I guesss why I am thinking so much about things, is that the realisation is sinking in that I will be slim and fit and healthy relatively soon, and believe I will be. Where as wiht other programs, I woud think, 'oh, it doesn't matter - will probably never make it there anyway so it is a moot issue'. Still trying to get my head around, in a positive way - that I AM going to be there THIS YEAR! lol

I apologise if my rambles sound down trodden - I don;t mean them to be, and when I say I am scared, I don;t mean that in the literal sense....its just going to happen so much faster then I ever ever dreamt possible. So I sort of feel like I need to sort my head out and catch up! I have had such negative thoughts fo so many years - feels a bit strange to turn them around so swiftly.

I will do though! And I too am going to enjoy my future svelte bod...no doubt about it...but just want to be sure my head is in the right place.

Half the time my rambles don;t make much sense anyways!! I tend to open mouth and insert foot an awful lot - speak before thinking, etc.

But its all good - and I am committed to success - failure is not an option, so I will get used the the whole positive approach, I promise!! LOL

X

[ladylite]

BL I, and I am sure many others love your ramblings. Please dont stop doing it.

I know what you mean about not making to goal previously, and not expecting to. When I used to go on diets I would tell friends "I am on a diet, but dont hold your breath, you know what I am like". I now say, I am going to get to goal, watch this space. I must say a few people have looked shocked as if another person was speaking.

I wasnt criticing your ramblings, as I said earlier I love em and the can be so helpful. I just felt for you and thought you didnt deserve these worries.

SO PLEASE KEEP RAMBLING. They are good for you and us.

[Blonde Logic]

Lady you sweetheart - I didn't think you were criticising at all!! Silly woman you!! xx

It is good speaking with conviction, and all your friends are going to be so proud of the new you!!

lol - and thanks fo your comments abbout rambling - not much fear of me stopping. lol - never been able to stop gabbing as it goes!! hehehe But thanks so much!!

X

[Tange]

Hi BL

I loved reading this thread.

Funny thing is this morning my flatmate and I were discussing weight (she has been a rock in my first week) She told me what she weighed (just over 10 stone). and I heard these words come out of my mouth " You know when I weighed 10 stone I can remember standing in the gym looking in mirror and thinking how fat I was" How messed up is that. Anyway the way I see myself is going to change. Who am I not to be fabulously gorgeous!

Thanks again BL this did make me think of my own issues.
Tan

[scotwannabethin]

This is a great thread and thanks for all the great comments. I am, by and large(no pun intended!!! Heee Hee) a very positive person and I am so much healthier than I was this time last year, of that there is no doubt. I am happy in myself to be honest. I just don't quite recognise the sillouette I see in the mirror yet. I knew that it will take me a while to adjust to the new look me and I love it more and more ever day. Today I jumped on my home scales, naughty I know, and I was at a weight I had always dreamt about reaching with this program and that put a huge smile on my face and I am sure I will be bouncing about all day at work today.!! Last weigh in as a developer tomorrow night and then it is onwards into RTM.

[Blonde Logic]

Big congrast ScottWannaBe - that must have given you such a rush!!! Good luck at your last WI and your entry in to RTM!

[ladylite]

Well done Scotwannabe, I could feel your enthusiams down the line.

I think you will look stunning in your bra under the moonlight.

[scotwannabethin]

Oh, I hope so!!! I have a lot of practice to do before I can power walk 26.2Miles round Edinburgh but my new treadmill arrives on Thursday and that is me on the road to getting toned and geared up for the Moonwalk. Food and exercise, gosh what a week it is going to be!!!!