Kicking oneself/getting back on the horse.

[Abyss]

So i've always said i'd be honest when I started my journey...
In my diary entry I mentioned that i'd often have planned binges and ridiculous rules that if I bought food to binge on i'd have to finish it the day I bought it ...

Well I just had a few of those days this last week. It all started with my friend suggesting we go to my favourite resturant. I'd been good all week and to be honest, I really wanted sushi aha :'] so I caved and had a lovely meal out ... But it didn't stop there.

From Monday evening-Wednesday late at night I had a complete relapse into old and awful habits, and I couldn't get my head around all of the methods put in place by LL, I just did it and I couldn't pin point why until it had already been done !
I didn't want to go to my weigh in at all yesterday, but I bit the bullet and thought i'd see what damage i'd done, +5 pounds. I was mortified, all that hard work and money felt wasted and I feel so stupid and awful.

So now i'm in a strange mix of emotions - totally motivated and wanting to get straight back up on the horse and keep looking forward because I know I can do it, but I also feel like I can't not kick myself for letting myself slip into those habits again. I don't want to feel like in the future I can't go for a relaxed, nice meal with my friends for fear of setting off a binging episode.
Onwards and upwards I guess, just have a bit of a self-pissed off undertone XD I'm trying to be as adult as possible, but finding it hard :']
Xo

[Minerva]

Would it help talking to someone impartial when you feel one of these episodes coming on?
I'd always know when I suddenly felt the urge to go buy a whole bunch of crap and eat it all in one go (usually following something that "allowed" me to come off plan). I knew that want and sort of blind determination to go do it..

I dunno - I really want to help you, because I feel it would have helped me to talk to someone before I went off and did it. Once you start breaking that pattern of behaviour/habits - even if you can do it just that once - it will gradually stop... because you'll know how...
You could PM me or something - but you don't seem to have that enabled for some reason ....

I do believe in you I know you can do it.

[Abyss]

Arrrgh I think I don't have PM available yet because I don't have enough posts yet aha ! Some things are still restricted for me ... Maybe i'll go spam some other parts of the forum :']

But I agree with you, I really think that would help ! I almost need someone on my shoulder to rein me in and be like "why? Do you think it's a good idea" and talk me around this stupid scenario that I manage to always find myself in. When you say 'blind determination' it sounds exactly like me. When I feel like someone's giving me a bit of leway on the program - I take the biscuit (pardon the pun !) And go all out, I feel like I eat as if i'll never be off of the program and i'll never eat again, which is so ridiculous I could scream :']
xo

[Minerva]

I was going to offer my number for a text - sometimes it's helpful to have someone you don't know to tell about something so vulnerable and quite embarrassing... let me know if it would help.. I never offer my number out, so it's unusual.. but I'd like to help

I've been through it, so I get where it comes from.. not many people do .. but it'd be your job to catch yourself getting trapped in that cycle, it's easy to recognize but so very tempting to ignore the 'better judgment' because... well lets face it, before and during - binge is actually the best thing ever... it's the after that sucks a butt-load

xx

[Abyss]

That would honestly be so amazing if you were willimg to do that, thanks so much Minerva ! - it honestly feels so comforting to know that i'm not the only one this happens to ... It does feel isolating after you've done it, I feel ridiculous !
Just need to get PM up and running aha !
Xo

[Minerva]

Yep, PM me when it's available and I'll send you my number.

Feel free to text any time - we can conquer this.. I know how humiliating it can feel pre- or after binge and feeling like no one will understand and judge you like some sort of freak.. it sucks. Really really does!!