Kick Me

[annaphylactic]

Morning fellow Miniminers -

Hope you all had fab weekends...

I am feeling a bit pants today to be honest and need a kick up the backside, hence the title of this thread...

I went to WI last night and only lost one pound. Now, I know that over the space of the last four weeks I've lost 14 in total - but it still leaves me 2 pounds short of my three stone in three months target.

Oh god, as I type this, I can see how pathetic I sound - I mean - 2lbs in nothing! But it was a goal of mine and I'm really fed up that I didn't hit it. I am now in my 'milk week' and the chance of losing 2lbs this week is non-existant I would have thought (please tell me otherwise if you know!!)

I've been so complacent about getting the water down me - I've always been notorious for not drinking, and being on LL is no exception, and I am furious at myself now because I am well aware that this slow loss is probably down to me.

I look at people's threads that have lost 4+ stone in foundation... I assume they must have been a lot bigger to start with, but their BMIs were about the same as mine to start with... why am I such a slow loser....

I am probably just feeling like this because I am half way through - got another three months of developers until I reach my goal - and I am worried that if I keep falling short, the time I'm in abstinance is going to get longer and longer, and I am getting sick of it already.

Anyway - sorry for putting the little raincloud over things today - but I just needed to let off some 'disappointment' steam before I got too angry with myself.

I have also found I am more suceptible to getting emotional at the moment. My OH-type-person is going through a really tough time at the moment and is a bit distant... not tactile etc, and I've left his house at night and burst into tears because I naturally assume it is 'my fault'... this weight thing I assume is 'my fault' and so it goes on....

People keep asking me about Christmas - aren't you tempted to eat? Christmas is meant to be fun etc, you won't even be able to get drunk.... no sh*t. It angers me that I constantly needing to remind my close friends that last Christmas I was sat at my dad's bedside in ICU, and later the stroke ward, after he was rushed to hospital on the 23rd Dec - and later died at 8am on Boxing Day... funnily enough, having a nice enjoyable Christmas is not top on my list of priorities - in fact, I told myself I would go to the stroke ward this year and visit the patients - it was soul destroying how few of them had visitors last year.

Sorry - this has turned from 'kick me', to 'someone please give me a hug and tell me everything will be ok'... I am such an emotional ruin at the mo... sorry guys. I'll bugger off now...

Before I do - I may as well ask a structured question (otherwise this is just pure self-indulgent venting)...

Q. Did any of you ever not bother with milk week and just stay on water shakes/soups? Did you LLC tell you off? Would you recommend I did that or do you think milk week is a good idea??

A xx

[MandyLupton]

So sorry about your Dad no wonder you don't want to think about Christmas.
I can't really help you regarding LL as I only start on Friday but the others on here are fab and will come to your rescue.
As to your other half, have you tried stepping back for a while , be there if he wants to talk about his problems, but concentrate on you, make you number one priority.
You have done so well and deserve so much better...............sorry i'm sounding like a mummy figure now.
Things will work out..........promise

[annaphylactic]

Hi Mandy - thanks Yeah, in fact I did exactly that with him - just text him saying I understood he had a lot on and I didn't want to bug him when he had so much on his mind and I was there if he wanted to see me - although it is only early days, and I respect myself too much to be at his beck and call... he tells me he has lost his libido and isn't very tactile etc, but whenever I am there he is mauling his two dogs, hugging them, kissing them etc... it's quite hard to say the least. I think I need more... hmmm... this thread has turned out to be quite cathartic really! Will wait for all the 'poo' to blow over in his life, and see if anything changes - if not, then I'll probably nip things in the bud before they get any more complicated - you are right, I need to concentrate on myself for a while.
x

[lite at end of tunnel]

aaaaarh u certainly are having a bad time at the mo,uve got alot on ya plate(except food lol)1lb off is beta than 1lb on. i no u had ya goal but dnt get dishearted ule get there uve done so well already..let oh deal with is stuff as u need 2 concentrate on uself at the minute,, .It does get tedious on ll but the results are amazing.(Ya photos are great).As 4 xmas luvvy it doesnt hold great memories, thinks are stil raw,,so take 1 day at a time as u did last year ..so keep ya chin up & stay strong..Drop the question what tomorrow may bring,,and count as profit every day that fate allows you xxxx

[Tange]

Hi Anna,

Oh honey how awful for you.

To answer a question, I never bothered with milk week, the only thing I did that week was have a coffee with milk in it (which turned out to not be as nice as remembered)
Make an effort to get the water down you it is all worth it. I know its hard for some people.

Your idea to visit people is really amazing, look at you feeling all sad and then thinking of others. Give yourself a hug because you are very clearly a wonderful caring person.

Chin up girl, so you are a 2lbs short of your goal who knows what will happen next week it could be 4 or 5lbs. Instead of focussing on the goal you missed write down the goals you achieved and the things you have achieved to date.

Hugs

[annaphylactic]

Thank you L.A.E.O.T., you're right - 1lb off is better than nothing, I'll try to look at the positives. I have many blessings in my life - good family (what's left of it - we're dropping like flies!), beautiful house, good job, nice friends, lovely cats, sexy new car, cash in the bank etc... but sometimes you just want MORE... you want someone to be there for you, to feel like you are the centre of someone's universe - that you could lose everything and still be happy because you could be in that person's arms at the end of a hard day.... I am craving affection at the moment... some people turn to shopping, but I am desperately reaching out to my bloke and getting nothing back... sob.

Anyway - thanks again xx

[lite at end of tunnel]

p.s. as 4 the kick u,i think ya doing that enuf 2 urself..so pick urself up & find ya feet xxxxxcome on you can do it

[annaphylactic]

Thanks Tange... I think I will probably cut down on the milk this week - have one milky shake each morning (depending how I feel, have been verrrry tired in the last couple of weeks, and thought the milk week might perk me up a bit)... a soup with water for lunch, a bar and a shake with water later on.... and maybe a proper cup of tea or two each day!!! How exciting!! So i'll be getting about a third of the milk we are meant to have, but still (hopefully) losing - I hope!

Tange, did you lose in M.W.?

And thank you for your reply - I don't feel like a particularly caring person, in fact I often beat myself up for not being 'nice' enough... it's funny how you see yourself and how other's see you. I haven't had the easiest time of it in the last 6 years or so (my step-dad died of Motor Neurone Disease after a 2.5 year battle and mum and I had to care for him after he lost all his mobility and motor functions)... then my dad died followed by his mum three days later on 29th Dec... it's been a hard time... in many ways I have used being overweight as a cushion for everything... didn't want anyone to pay attention to me, didn't think I deserved it because I was damaged goods... it took a real look inside this summer to realise that I didn't have any excuses anymore - I wasn't ill anymore (another story, but not for now), I wasn't living the hell of watching my step dad slowly deteriorate/die, my dad hadn't just died (I went on a major binge from Jan-Mar this year, on that reason)... I was just 'me' and I was getting out of control.

I hope that some of what I have been through will one day help other people, but I think it's time to put things behind me. I am getting a tattoo when I hit my goal 'Don't Look Back', between my shoulder blades... I can't keep living in the past.

Blimey - where's my shell gone? This is far too much 'soul' baring for one day... jeeez. lol.

A xx

[Tange]

Yes I did, can't remember how much though. But I really did not bother much with the milk, maybe I just don't like milk really, I still have black coffee. Only thing I like milk in is tea but then I love sweet milky tea so its a rare luxury to me these days.

Anna I so know how you feel. You are not damaged. Everyone is cracked honey that is how the light gets in. (and that line is stolen from Leonard Cohen)

Hang in there and if you fancy a chat drop me a pm. I have been through some of these emotions (thankfully not lost anyone close to me but the other stuff I had to deal with too and still am in a way)

[annaphylactic]

Thanks Tange - that is very sweet.. I will drop you a line if I get into a tangle again - never done PM on here, but I can't imagine it's too tricky! x

[Cherry Plum]

Aww Anna, you are having a crappy time.
But do you know what when you get to goal you will feel top of the world, there is no better feeling than being thin, people (& men) notice you so much more, you can walk into any clothes shop & know what looks good on you, I forgot I had a passion for clothes.
I had to laugh I even got noticed more by men when I was driving in my car.
You just need to accept that there are good days & bad days on this diet, I do think the good days outweigh the bad though.
I'm sorry about your losses, but remember they would want you to be happy.
And as for the oh, well you are worth so much more, we should be worshipped and treated like a precious gift by the one we love.
Has he always been like this?
Maybe he isn't able to show affection to people.
If you decide to 'nip it in the bud' then be comfortable in the knowledge that you will look good & will attract many new men.
During milk week all I did was have a Latte at Costa coffee, I didn't have any other milk that week, I just felt I had done so well & I didn't want to muck it up.
Hope you feel better soon.

[MandyLupton]

Your not damaged goods at all, I like to describe it as a little 'lost'. You just need time to rediscover yourself again and you've taken the first step by undertaking LL.
You maybe aren't seeing what we're seeing......but you are beautiful girl....who I'm sure will be fighting fellas off in the very near future.
You need to love yourself again and you have taken a huge leap already.

[bekimo]

OMG Anna, sounds like your having a nightmare of a time at the moment. In milk week, can't you do more exercise to compensate the increase in calories, and in doing so, make you feel better as exercising releases the happy hormones (as I am sure LS will tell you!) Certainly has made me smile more in the last few days!!
Also, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. That's so awful. But to visit people on Christmas is a wonderful thing to do. You made me cry a litttle I must admit! But I too am a little emotional. I really do think that this diet affects your hormones and thus your emotions!
As for your erm "OH type person"(!?) I'm sure it is not your fault. I find many people are a little depressive at this time of year, plus if he has lots on his plate perhaps you can support each other. You never know, it could make you stronger together so you could lose that "type person" from his erm, job description!!

Keep strong, and think positive. You'll get through it!

B x

[annaphylactic]

Cherry and Mandy - you have really cheered me up. I don't see myself the way you do, but then when you have lived in your own skin for your whole life, it is hard to step outside of yourself. Also, with all my various probs over the last 5/6 years (severe anxiety to the point of not leaving the house etc), I became very insular and couldn't really 'do things' and ended up feeling a bit 'lost', as you put it.

You're both right - I need to look to the future and realise that things are going to get better (they can't get worse than they have been!) and that I am worth more than what I've had in recent years - with love life etc... thank you for the lift - means a lot.. needed it xx

[annaphylactic]

Ooh Bekimo - sorry, was typing as you were I think!

Yes - hadn't thought of upping the exercise, but makes sense - although have made the decision not to do 'milk week' the full hog - I'm opting for a bit of a compromise instead, lol. I will book my gym induction and try and get myself back together again (like Humpty Dumpty!) this week before I go back to proper abstinence.

Big love to you all xx