How I know I'm so nearly there....Inside and Out.

[EmVeg]

Meandering post - but I wanted to post this on here because I've have my second lighbulb, heavenly music, hallelujah moment on this diet.....

Right - I'm back, the licking of the wounds is all complete - I've been lurking but not posting. As SB said in the Jan starters post, I had started becoming obsessed with it all, and constantly thinking of it.

I've been having a panic with my hips, as they were my main motivator of doing this. Lose the weight, and they will improve I was told - but its been the exact opposite - they have been agony since Jan. And now I've basically been told that unless they allow me to have the op (found out tomorrow btw) I will be in chronic pain all my life. I'm 19, and wanted to exercise, and to run, ect and to be active.

It lead me to questions other reasons of why I am doing this. I felt like my main motivator had been taken away, and I just started to wobble. No lapses, but questioning why I was doing it - what was the point?

It took me a while, but I got there.

My motivation? It's me. Pure and simple, it's me.

I am so, so happy with myself. I was going to go into developers for a month - I was sure of it - but I realised that I think I might be there at the end of foundation. But even better, I accept that if I am, I am - and if I'm not, I'm not. I know I'm nearly there - I can feel it, I can SEE it now.

I went shopping - not to buy, just to see where I was - and I was extremely pleasently suprised. A size 12 dress looked gorgeous on me (sorry if that sounds big-headed but its the first time I've ever had that!) and I could even get away with the 10 - especially as I have a stone to go! I can do size 12 jeans up - which was my size I had in mind. Most were FAR FAR too tight - but still the button went in the button hole! I'm a size 10 for most tops now, a 12 for the more fitted - which is what I had in mind at the start. I tried a lot of high street shops - like RiverIsland, Next, New Look, DP and I'm pretty much there in all those places. It amazes me - I never thought I could see anything in there and pick it up - and moe often than not it actually looking pretty nice on me.

I can wait for my end of foundation shop!

Group has been extremely helpful as well in all this the last few weeks - and I have confronted and got past even more issues. Doing the timeline shocked me at how much I had been through that affected me - and my eating.

I feel normal now - I look around and see people that are dressed nicely my size or sometimes a little bigger. Before this week I still felt too big to make an effort. But its in my head and I realise that.

I'm not scared to eat - I've been looking on a pay-for weight management/loss site that my dad has been using - and to maintain the weight I want to finish at I would be on around 1780 cals a day. I've put in "test days" both good and "naughty" and its amazing how much I can actually have.

I know I won't have to deprive myself - but I also know I won't be gorging. I can maintain a balance as long as I keep myself in check.

I have also decided that as I will weigh myself when maintaing - but only once every week or two, I will decide that then. I will moniter it and act before I put 7lb on. I will give myself that cushion, but I won't let myself go past that as I don't want to let it all get out of control. But I also know now that this is do-able, and not as scary as I once imagined.

I can so feel I am nearly there, and its an amazing feeling. I nearly burst into tears in the shop earlier. That wasn't me I've been seeing during foundation - I saw the first look at the me I have wanted to be since I was 11.

I feel pretty good. No fear of failure, no fear of sabotage. No feelings of self-hate.

I'm getting there - it feels like leaps and bounds.

Missed you all

[Lisa Bigger Bum]

What a brillant thread and you sound so very happy indeed, this is the place where I want to be and reading through your post see that it is possible, little bits you say ring true, so I guess the rest will follow.

Well done on your lightbulb moment, you are well on your way to a permenant slim and healthy future.

Congrats Lisa xx

[Blonde Logic]

Excellant Em!! SOunds like it is all going to plan - I am so happy for you. Your post brings back many of the same feelings and revelations that I, and probably others had on our journey's as well.

Bravo miss!!

I operate the same way you are intending to - I have a cushion of about 5 pounds either side of goal that I am happy in.

I have already proved that when it gets near that 5 pounds - a few simple cut backs for several days sorts it out, making maintaining perfectly manageable.

We never experienced that - and I think that is where a lot of fear comes from with regard to maintaining. For many of us, most of out lives we had wayyyyyyyy too much weight to lose to imagine a few cuts sorting it out in even weeks, let alone days.....and we all know how hard that is.

But - it is so easy to take 4, or 5 pounds off.; SO easy. Therefore - we can live a normal life - being consciously good the majority of the time, and consiously naughty too. And even the occassional unconscious naughty will not get us into trouble at all if was act NOW, not LATER.

And you get that.

HUrrah! The end is in site.

Now we just need to get those hips sorted.

Well done honey - I'm proud of ya!

xx

[daisydoll]

hi em
nice to have you back!
you sound really sorted - and well done on those 12/10s you have been trying on

good luck for tomoorow finding out about op

daisy x

[slendablenda]

I have replied on the Jan starters thread.
But so good to have you back and in that frame of mind. You have been working hard while lurking.
Well done you. xxx

[EmVeg]

Just realised I never thank you all for the comments - so thanking you all. 4 1/2 weeks to go for me I think - and I am more than ready for the challenges they may bring!

[Blonde Logic]

[EmVeg]

Sorry Yoda!

[IslandBreeze]

Great post. You sound like you really know what you're doing. Hope you can get the op for your hips.

[Blonde Logic]

Sorry Yoda!

forgiven you are xx