the Me I want to be

This is my diary... I am a LL Returner.

I did this wonderful diet 3 and a half years ago and it felt like an absolute dream... it was so ridiculously easy. I couldn't believe I hadn't done it sooner. I never got hungry or had any cravings, never cheated and I promised myself I would never go back. I lost over 4 stone and went from a chubby 16 to an 8/10. That lasted for all of a year and I was at a 10/12 and perfectly content.

I had the body I had only dreamed of when I was a teenager and had the admiration of every boy(how 14 yrs old do i sound) I had ever fancied, when i had always just been the 'friend'. My teenage crush even confessed his undying love for me for the last 10 years!!! (slightly shallow I hear you say, yes I think he is too!) I married the boyfriend who had seen me pre LL and loved me, and couldn't get enough of me post LL. So why now nearly 4 years later I am sitting here, with nearly 5 stone (8 Kgs heavier than when i started LL in 2008) to lose and a whole lot more to prove to myself and everyone else that thinks I will just fail again! Well.... thats why I have decided to start this cyber journey of self discovery and hopefully wont bore you all too much...

Today is day one.... Really not loving the Apple and Cinnamon Porridge it tastes so Metallic. The Carbonara and texture of Pasta was a treat and very looking forward to the ever faithful banana shake later this afternoon. Need to drink way more water and try and not feel like an absolute tit every time I have to walk across the grand 50 meter reception to get to the bathroom... I think the receptionists think i have a problem with my frequent need to Pee already!!! think I need to go now!!!

Had my first meeting yesterday with my new counsellor and it was very weird... She didn't explain the plan to me, she didn't give me any guidance... I know I have done it before but that was quite a few years ago. I also had to buy the green study book.. which is very different and more of 'an about LL' rather then a work book about the counselling element. The group walk was also rather bizarre... I think my LLC is rather narcissistic and basically spent most of the time talking about herself. Maybe its was just yesterday.. lets see. I like that she has a background in psychotherapy so hoping I get to learn some good techniques. The group were lovely.. all normal and wonderful women. But there was hardly any interaction... No-one spoke about their weight loss or if they had a bad week or even a great week. I loved that element of my group first time. You felt you were really compelled not to let your group down... I am hoping that changes and its far more interactive...

Anyway... time to have a Coffee..x

Hi there I'm a returner too! The hardest part I found was putting my tail between my legs and going back and now I wonder why it took so long! So well done for getting back on it and good luck with it! Xx

Welcome - how exciting to have a new diary to read! I am sure you will do fine this time around. it would be great to hear about why you think the weight went back on. I am just entering maintenance and would love to know the pitfalls of the years ahead.

Just imagine where you will be by the the time the real summer hits. You could be three stone down by July. How amazing would that be? Good luck. remember this time, to stick it out to the end, be 100% faithful to the program, attend all your meetings and do maintenance by the book. But i bet you know all this already!

Thanks Boo and Megs...

Love the support.

Megs(hope you don't mind the abbreviation) i know what I did wrong.... I didn't do maintenance.... I didn't realise how sensitive my body would be to the food I ate and what food I should be eating. I know that now... I know what food will make me fit and what will make me fat. I think I am particularly sensitive to sugar. (but no thyroid issues according to the dr) and honestly it was my mindset... Which I actually only fully realised last week just randomly. During my first time... My whole group, myself included, kept saying to each other you've had it before and you can have it again after.... To rid any immediate temptation. But that's so the wrong attitude. Our brains are pretty simple creatures... If we tell ourselves something for long enough(21 days consecutively) it becomes instinctive... So there I was thinking I was getting rid of temptation when I was actually only delaying the impact of that thought. And it totally was instinctive. I thought woo I'm skinny now I can have whatever I want... I can eat like a skinny person... But skinny people don't eat cakes and sweets all the time... Well not the healthy ones anyways.... But I had created this false reality in my mind and nothing could change it.

And it was fine for about a year and after that it just got worse and worse and the emotional eating cycle just came back with a bang... This year has been crazy... I seemed to have just breathed and put weight on. Nothing else has worked... I even ate really healthy and worked out everyday but maybe because I didn't see the results as quickly as I did with LL I got bored.

Well... Think that's enough about me for today... Thanks for listening xxx

aaah sugar - the life long curse of the overweight. there is pretty credible evidence available these days which indicates that people who have become fat over time have metabolically damaged their body and their reaction to carbohydrates in particular. This means that even if you lose weight, your body will still be more sensitive to carbs than other people who have been slim all their lives

Our bodies will no longer produce insulin in the right way - we have become insensitive to insulin.This is the precursor to type II diabetes. it is caused by eating too much sugar/carbs and not from eating high fat foods. (unless it is combined with sugar - of course).

it is a really sad thing that no ones warns us of this awful consequence and that most diets focus on low fat and high carb diets. Often these diets restrict on fat and allow high sugar items such as flavoured yoghurt and plenty of fruit. This just set us all up for a life long struggle.

Not one of us who is overweight will ever be able to to go back to carbs in the same way we have in the past. For most of us that means avoiding sugar and all refined carbs. For some of us that will also mean avoiding even the so-called healthy carbs.

Finding the level of carbs you can tolerate is a big part of maintenance and why it is so important. I think I am like you and will have to be very careful - forever. it is just something I have accepted (pretty much from the start). Sad but true. I wish I had done the research as a teenager before I ate so much of the "white death".

the other problem is that we allow our kids to eat sugar frequently because they are still thin. But who knows when their system will also break down. it could be next year or next week. it might already be happening.They might be one of the lucky ones who will be able to metabolise sugar all their lives - but are you willing to take that chance?

What a mess the world is in...

Sorry to rant. But I am angry that i wasn't told about the consequences of all those other diets i went on. I wish i had never tried to lose that first ten pounds back when I was skinny anyway...

Nzmegs, I totally agree with you re carbs/sugar sensitivity, insulin resistance and previous low fat/high carb dieting. Well said!

Hottie - welcome! This is a fab place to be. There are lots of lovely supportive people here who totally understand. Keep posting. I wish you every success this time - sounds like you already have a lot of self-awareness, which is half the battle.

Thanks spangly mum and megz.... Completely agree re carbs, sugar... The curse we have to live with!

Sorry for the lack of entries... It's been a crazy week... And LL hasn't got in the way much. Some of the new flavours are awful but loving the minestrone and now I've realised how to make the porridge it's delicious!
I've got week 1 WI tonight.... Little apprehensive for my group... I know I have lost weight but don't think it's the 1 stone I managed to get off last time in the first week. Wasn't so good with my water on the weekend or Monday. Trying to make up for it now...

Finding it easy enough now... Getting a few headaches but that's probably for lots of different reasons.

I'm really not sure about it anymore.... I've been debating how long I'm going to do it... Sometimes I think for less than the 100 days... I just feel I need to change something this time... How effective is it going to be long term... How do I brake the cycle of putting weight on.

I went to a charity ball on Saturday and the meal was served at the table. For some reason I found it hilarious. Luckily, half of the table knew I was dieting, being my sisters and their husbands, so were happily eating from my plate. I did feel like I had to move the food around the plate with my fork, which was pretty hysterical. I don't know why but maybe I was embarrassed and that's why I was giggling. Strange anyways.

All I know is that I've stuck to the diet regardless of how hungry I've been and the headaches and given that my husbands away with work I would usually see it as an opportunity to eat whatever junk he would never even touch(he's ridiculously fit and healthy)! And I haven't even flinched.... So regardless of all the self doubt I am pretty damn happy with how the weeks gone... Let's just hope it gets even better tonight!

X

hey Hottie, it sounds like you have got the willpower thing sorted! I understand the fact that you are questioning things right now. it is still early days and it is hard to make a long term commitment. But as you get used to it over again you will start to settle down and accept that it takes as long as it takes. You might like to set yourself short term goals rather than thinking too far ahead. YOu have already made such a good start that I expect you will see it through to the end. You already know what happens when you give up too soon.

Even if you decide to lose some of the weight you need to and then stop - you still need to go through maintenance. That is the way to stop the yo yoing. But trust me - the doubt will soon pass - most of us go through it at some stage.