First of all apologies to those that read this, I have no idea how much I'm going to write or just how honest I can be. But feel the need to let it out.
well where to begin. I've not been on here in a long time. In a few short hours I turn 30, which is quite a scary thought for me and I can only imagine what my 21 year old self would say if he could see me now.
Life's certainly been a bit of a rollercoaster a timid shy kid no confidence, scared of his own shadow. With immense loneliness despite having a large supportive and loving family. Early Teens were typical teenage years nothing to write home about and certainly nothing uncommon or that we didn't all experience.
Late teens till I was 24, god I had some amazing times I was almost sorted, sane, successful, I loved and had love (which is an amazing feeling and one I had trouble dealing with) I'd dealt with my low self esteem and confidence the best way I knew how ( I faked it, it's amazing what forcing yourself to be the first up on karaoke and the first on the dance floor can do) I worked hard, I played harder, I had amazing friends, I was living!. Then life changed. The love went (for which I take my full share responsibility for and sadly I'm the only one that does) the success faded and my weight once again got out of control (not that it was ever under control) I then basically didn't leave the house for over a year.
Somehow I picked up the pieces, and began to get on with it. But I lost what and who I had including myself which brings me to now. I've done a really terrible thing. in my loneliness and desire to be loved I hurt someone and caused them more pain and hurt than should ever be inflicted on anyone. yet somehow they have found the strength, courage and compassion to forgive and to still love me, it will never be the same ever. yet he remains determined to keep a friendship with me
Even with the forgiveness and compassion, I found carrying around the guilt, Shame and loneliness almost too much to bear, last night sobbing and with half a bottle of JD flowing through my blood I hit rock bottom, Letters written, 29 years worth of clutter cleared I was ready I was prepared. Then I made a call and thank god I did ( Rachael who I will never meet or speak to again, but I thank her so much for listening and giving me options)
So here I am, 27 stone 2lbs, Lonely, Sad, ashamed and guilt ridden, Alive but not yet living, turning 30 in a few hours time, but with a desire to change, to find happiness, peace and acceptance to regain me. the long road ahead going to be a bumpy one but enough is enough and it's time to tackle my issues, problems, health and weight and this time I mean it!
Again sorry to those that managed to make it to the end of this but thank you to those that did. I will update this thread with how things are going (I don't expect anyone to read it, but I think I will find it helpful to type/write what's actually going on)