Thread: Julz Management, here we go!

Hi , I'm here.........thanks for asking, First time logging in for several weeks, not sure what is going on in my head. Having several good days, then through one thing or another, binging on rubbish. Seems I have not beaten my addiction to chocolate as my crutch through stressful times, I'm reaching out instead of thinking for myself and making adult choices.
At Christmas I found out my last living uncle had been diagnosed with lung cancer, the same as my mum, his sister, my mum died 5 months later and I went through quite a rough time caring for her, while she went through the awful never ending pain. My uncle at 85 also had Alzheimer's, went up a couple of times (200 miles away) to help my aunt at 79 who bless her did not have a clue what to expect. Well, he passed away in his sleep last Saturday not in pain, which is a relief to everyone that he is at peace.
Can't say what is causing my stress levels to go up that I need to reach for food, my uncle's illness has not helped, but certainly is not to blame. Crap t work for several reasons, not helping.

I had decided that this year I would focus on me and make time for me, but so far seem to be chasing that dream. I have gained about a stone, so now the clothes I had bought are beginning to get tight, I am determined not to buy a bigger size. However, thiis afternoon, I went to sainsbury and found myself looking at size 14 trousers, having a justification conversation with myself that they would be more comfortable and it would only be for a few weeks, then I wouldn't need them anymore!!!
I did manage to walk away but it was a real turmoil in my head, what was I thinking? I did buy rubbish as well as good stuff, rubbish mostly gone o planning a better day tomorrow.
It makes me feel so sad I have let myself down, and got to this stage, think I'm going to get back to posting and writing down everything I eat, and maybe a mood diary. I'm not hungry when I eat the rubbish......

Some of it undoubtedly is the 'high' from making goal, but you would have thought the lessons learnt as you go through the program would stick? Strategies I worked at before seem to just melt away.

Guess I'm feeling sorry for myself, again, tomorrow is another day and fresh start, I know it's not too late, just need to focus!
Mx

Hi Julz, sorry to hear you are feeling low but glad you are back on the forum. I don't know if you are a reader, but I've been reading a little book called The Secret Art of Self-Development by Karl Moore and have found it a real support in recent weeks. I keep going back to it when I'm feeling sorry for myself or can feel my rebellious child taking complete control! Might be worth a look - if you've got a Kindle, it's really inexpensive too. It really pulls me back to Adult in a no-nonsense, straight talking way. Anyway, good luck. Just keep focus and remember how brilliantly you have done to get so far. Why is it that we treat ourselves so badly when we have so much compassion for everyone else? And why is it that we use food as our 'reward' or comfort when we have a million and one ways of loving everyone else? Is it just us folk who battle with weight, something inherent in our nature? I think we have to find out if we are ever going to be at peace with our bodies and ourselves, but oh my, how hard is it???

Hi TRM, thanks for the recommendation, I have a Kindle and just downloaded so will read it tonight. I am always open for recommendations on development, at different times I take some on board.
I agree with your observations about treating ourselves badly and rewarding with food, I have been doing that my whole life, trying to be the best I can, but never feeling like I am good enough. It seems to go through my whole life, family wise and work, yet I know deep down I am a capable and effective person who can achieve great things, but it seems to be short lived.
Try as I might I don't seem able to keep the consistency up and then I beat myself up.
I have had a little better week this week, but the child still rears it's head, to the extent I feel like I have a self destruct button, as I get nearer to my goal, I go off at a tangent and sabotage myself, then I eat, then I beat myself up and go round in the same circle.
My clothes are a little tight, nothing major but I am aware that I need to pull it back, I am definitely a stress eater, or boredom...........
To put it into perspective, I'm fine allot of the time, more fine than not if that makes sense.
I think it is part of the process to go through these stages, and learning to say no, or divert like I did while on Total is in me somewhere, just need to reawaken it.
I am going to try and post on here more often it definitely helps.
I'm off to read my new book!
Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Jx

Hi Julz

Lovely to see you back. I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult time recently.

I recognise what you are saying about beating yourself up and not feeling good enough. What do you think of the book that The Real Me recommended? I'm still plodding on with my latest books, so not going to buy another more just yet.

Hope you're having a good weekend

Hello Julz, hope you enjoyed the book. I was thinking about getting it on cd so that I could listen to it in the car, but I sampled it on iTunes and I'm not sure that I could tolerate his voice!! I wish I was more techie so that I could read it out loud and record it myself - apparently your own voice telling you this stuff is the second most powerful way to hear it. The most powerful being your mother! I too am crashing around a bit in trying to establish a way of eating that satisfies my needs. My LLC is brilliant and keeps telling me to not be in such a rush, that I need to take time to work this out. I'm really impatient though! I suppose because Total works so well and so quickly, I want to immediately be in a routine that maintains it and, most importantly, with no major effort on my part! And therein lies the rub. On one level I realise I have to make an effort if I want the body and health I like and deserve. On the other ................ well, suffice to say that my behaviour is less than ideal. I want it 'done' for me. I want it to be simple, like Total. I know Total wasn't easy, but it was simple. And I want that, but with food. And I want someone else to do it for me. Given how independent I am and how I absolutely HATE being told what to do, this wanting it all mapped out for me seems odd. I like being in control yet there seems to be a part of me that is avoiding controlling what I eat. I wonder, is it because if I'm told what to eat and I gain weight it is no longer my responsibility? Not my fault? Oh dear, back to the workbook............

Originally Posted by Debbi8489

Hi Julz

Lovely to see you back. I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult time recently.

I recognise what you are saying about beating yourself up and not feeling good enough. What do you think of the book that The Real Me recommended? I'm still plodding on with my latest books, so not going to buy another more just yet.

Hope you're having a good weekend

Hi Debbie and TRM, thanks, I am sure it will get better soon, it is a really strange process I seem to be going through, and I seem to swing from one extreme to the other with no 'reason', and it seems to happen really fast as well.
I am reading and enjoying the book, got it on my kindle which is great so it is always to hand. At the beginning it says that you might need to re read it and I agree. I am about half way through and have gone back a couple of times to 'get it'.

I feel I am making small steps forward, my logical brain (adult) sees things in one way and I seem to make the right decisions, then almost on a whim and for no logical reason, my naughty child kicks in and off I go. This can be really sudden with nothing that has happened, no upset it just seems to happen. It is all about choice of course, and most of the time, I am able to step back and use cbt techniques and pull myself together and keep being the adult.
Probably 20% of the time I know what is happening and make the decision to carry on anyway and sort of have a mini binge. I say sort of because sometimes I overeat rubbish, another time it could be I just have a bigger portion and feel over full but in fact have not done any damage.

Most of the time I am able to rationalise the situation, but I struggle to keep 'in control'.
Even to the extent of I could be in the middle of exercising and the 'mood' (whatever it is, can't actually put a name to it) comes over me and I just think, 'stuff it' and stop. Why is that?????? Rhetorical question.............

I know I have been through the mill a bit lately, nothing life threatening, but I think it is all together adding up. Had my blood test results last Friday, GP trying to find out why I am so cold all the time, (not LL), well most ok, I have high cholesterol 6.2, GP happy because my weight is much better, not quite where I should be he reminded me! He does not agree or want to talk about LL, 'don't get me started', his words.
Anyway, it is 90% genetic, my good cholesterol is very good, so he is not prescribing any medication (hooray!). I told him I will take some plant sterols which will help bring it down, GP not worried enough to retest me so that is reassuring. My dad died of heart problems and his dad so its there in the background but manageable.

Last Monday was the funeral of my uncle who passed away with aggressive lung cancer which the same as my mum, as it's really a horrible way to go, and brought back lots of sad memories which, although it was a long time ago with my mum, it still cuts very deep and I thought I had dealt with it all. That is not the case, but I am working through it and recognising it which is a great step forward.

It certainly has been a long road and I am not there yet, but I am feeling as if I am moving in the right direction.

I guess part of it is the feeling of not being in control, total was 'easy' as there was limited choice and I really did not deviate except on holiday. Now as I have full choice, it seems as if I am not able to make the right choices.

I have been tinkering with going back to total for a couple of weeks and had even planned it but never made it, I think that might be the 'easiest' solution, but then in a few weeks time i will be in the same position again.......

I know my water intake is not good either, finishing total, I have been aware of a bladder problem. I thought it was just the volume of water I was drinking meaning I constantly needed the loo, but then it got to the stage where I had to go with nearly no notice and felt like I was constantly in the loo. GP has given me tablets which seem to work ok, effectively a 'chemical bung' as my GP so quaintly put it. Well the effects are, I don't go so often, which is great, other effects are constantly dry mouth, very dry hair so it's gone frizzy, dry skin even with cream. Benefits are great, negatives no so good.
Also, not sleeping so well, stress levels around work are up, if things don't pick up there will be more redundancies and I don't feel in a good enough place to find another job. I have been looking but feel my confidence is poor again. Menopause????? I have increased my soya intake so hope that will help the mood swings, if they are hormonal.

I also think I take on too much and have high expectations of myself, which then I put pressure on myself to do, finding it hard to say no scenario....

I did an hour or so of exercise this morning, 30 day shred, lateral thigh trainer, etc, so was on track, brought an edamame salad into work, then had a stressy moment and started on the chocolate. Dinner, roast, sprouts, carrots, sweet potato, broccoli......... followed by.. chocolate!

Agree with point about the different levels and the expectations of what effort I need to put in, and another thing, I feel like a spoilt child!

Well that's me just about done for the day, hope you have a good week, catch you all later
Jx

HI Julz

A couple of things you said really struck home

"I guess part of it is the feeling of not being in control, total was 'easy' as there was limited choice and I really did not deviate except on holiday. Now as I have full choice, it seems as if I am not able to make the right choices."

Total was easy, I stuck to it 100%. Making choices is so difficult. I'm not drinking enough water either.

This management lark is difficult eh?

Originally Posted by Debbi8489

HI Julz

A couple of things you said really struck home

"I guess part of it is the feeling of not being in control, total was 'easy' as there was limited choice and I really did not deviate except on holiday. Now as I have full choice, it seems as if I am not able to make the right choices."

Total was easy, I stuck to it 100%. Making choices is so difficult. I'm not drinking enough water either.

This management lark is difficult eh?

I agree Debbie ! Well I'm hoping I have turned that corner, I finally plucked up the courage to go to my first management group and it was great. Money is uber tight and I thought it was chargeable to start with, but it's not, it's monthly at a weekend which fits so I have made a huge step for me and went.
Huge because I was also beginning to feel a failure, as I have put on more than the 7lbs I had told myself would be my 'allowance', any more than that and surely my clothes would tell me to wind in a bit? Well the clothes were telling me but I just started to resent the tightness feeling and almost begrudge having to be sensible, as I knew I. 'must'. Well, how's that for crooked thinking?? I am still on my journey and clearly ave not finished working things through. I have been making some adult choices, hurrah!!
Also using myfitnesspal ap is helping, I am adding everything I eat and drink then I am able to reflect, also it shows the breakdown of carbs, protein and vitamins etc it's great. One other thing, I add to it before I eat, which means if I'm doing anything 'off plan' it gives that reflective space. How grown up do I feel this morning!!,
One day at a time, is my new mantra. I was tempted 3 times yesterday to get chocolate, and things 'conspired' not to let me buy some at the point I needed it so, there is something else 'helping' me.
Have a great day everyone, I'm just off to 'shred'
Jx

Should have added, I feel like a new door has opened just a little and there is a shaft of light glowing through, my plan is to open up a little more each day till the sunshine floods through.
One of the girls at group on Saturday talked about 'spending' her calories as if they were money, eg a cake is 600 calories,' I'm not spending that on a cake I could have a meal for that' I thought that was great it makes it easier somehow to picture it as money, thought I would share
Jx

Hi Julz, how are you getting on? I've been struggling, but hey ho. Are you finding that you are eating less carbs than myfitnesspal recommends?

Hi deb, much less carb values than myfitnesspal recommends. Trying to keep to the 1200 calories per day, some days easy other days really not and I exceed it.
I seem to low on vitamin A a lot as well.
I'm having a good few days now at a time then a wobble, and the good days seem to be getting longer and the wobbles not so intense, I have even walked away from stuff when my mind switched over to sod it mode. So I was intent on getting xyz that I know I shouldn't and sometimes probably 50/50 i find the strength not to be child like.
I'm also refocussing on my goal, some of my new Clothes are tight and I think I look really fat in, which is not great.
Def going to management group next sat, it's monthly and I found it useful, although we were sent an email about going back if we feel we need to as there is a new 'lite' program for those on management who want to refocus. Can't afford it so won't b doing that, and I need to b free to make the choices and live with the consequences which I am trying to do without being so tough on myself I go into meltdown!
Hope you have a good weekend
Jx