Thread: Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.

We all build our safety zones around us for self-protection in different ways.
The fact that you recognise the reasons behind how you feel/behave, you are half way there.
We all neeed control, sometimes it just goes too far.
As you say, you've come through worse than this before. You'll do it again I'm sure xx












. Sometimes it gets a bit out of control and becomes obsessive behaviour

Nothing much more to add Min, just wanted to say take it easy and keep coming here for support.

xx

Hey hun. How you doing?

So good to hear from you Min, hope the week wasn't too arduous and the studies are going well Also hope you have some me time set aside for the weekend.

Jez
xx

I am so cold... but on the plus side, studying is going well. My stress out at the beginning paid off - the background reading I did has greatly improved my understanding in the subject areas and now I can relax a little. Not completely of course, but at least I can start focusing on the assignments which are due in January, and the dissertation...! Arghhh! Scary.

Food... well... I don't really know what to say. It's not going well. But I'm slowly trying to figure out why the obsessive control has set in. As a side effect of all this though I have increasingly become aware ... that I don't know what it's like to be happy. What does it feel like?

I'm way behind, Min, so mostly I'm posting to give you my love and thoughts.

I did the obsessive calorie counting thing and it's likely to happen again when I leave abstinance. I haven't figured out my reasons other than my abject terror that I'll get fat again. Whatever your reasons, I hope you find them xxx

I used to chase happy Min, or what I thought happy was, the next new dress, promotion, pay rise, compliment, however none of these actually did make me happy there was always a void inside. Happy these days is a contentment in the small things, the here and now, just this moment, I try to worry less about yesterday and tomorrow, one is gone and cant be changed and one is a new page for me to write. It is also liking myself a whole lot more and that is with the acceptance of my good and bad bits and being true to my beliefs not anyone elses. I am not sure if it is happiness, but it is my definition of it currently - may change but it does me for now.

Jez
xx

and self-acceptance. I'm sure happiness will creep up when you are least expecting it - a bit like men!

Lol yes, I have the rest still waiting for the man though!!!

Jez
xx

Hey Min, good to hear about the studying...

Happy....well I guess I am happy now and have been for a while (other than being unhappy about my weight) but that did take time, finding out who I was, what made me tick, how to like myself. It's not an easy or overnihgt process....give yourself the credit for being a nice person on a daily basis, even if it's just a small pat on the back...from this comes self acceptance and the rest can sometimes follow.

The gratitude journal is a fab thing to do, as is 3 achievements of your own each day. It does help you look at the small stuff, not the huge overwhelming picture.

Re the cold - coz boy am I feeling it - i found cute little thermal vests and some even cuter thermal socks to wear really does help. That and the heating at home on tropical along with my uber lovely electric blanket !! Still you have a nice man in bed with ya so probably don't need a leccy blanky ;P

Jez
xx

hi min
happy for me this week was driving to manchester early on tuesday morning.
the sun was shining and i drove through ashbourne/buxton and as i drove through the stunning peak district scenery listening to the new ian brown cd i was suddenly overwhelmed with happiness. it bought a tear to my eye, everything seemed perfect

and for once it was nothing to do with my weight, my family or anything i could put my finger on - it was just a really massive happy feeling just about me

can't really explain what i mean, but i felt free and wonderful - i wish i could bottle the feeling, it was amazing!!! i could have jumped out of my car and run across the hills singing like maria von trapp (if i hadn'tve been on my way to a meeting i might've done!)

anyway, hope your week will be a good one hun

daisy x

I guess you're all right... Happiness isn't a certain set thing. It's just a relaxed contentment and acceptance rather than something that can be ever forced or contemplated... Perhaps the feeling you described Daisy is the most true description. That utter absolution in everything around you and yourself, for no real reason everything is wonderful. And I suppose I forget that it washes over me fairly often... I try not to take it for granted though... and usually in those moments you'll see a little red headed me wrapped up in a big fluffy purple scarf and red coat, walking slowly down the street with a small smile on my face... It's just so overwhelming how beautiful the world is and the diversity of human kind is astounding. Feeling small and insignificant isn't always a bad thing at all.

Today; after sorting out stuff with the local council who insist on keep billing me for tax I don't owe!! I took a stroll around the shops, I needed to buy some black jeans as ... my size 10's are pretty ginormous on me now... Bought some size 8's which... I'm not too pleased about because I don't really want to still be losing weight, but meh. At least I have some black jeans again! Yay!
Then I found some purple pleather gloves which are warm, and a wooly purple hat! And then I just went crazy, bought some black and purple slipons which are really cute, and long black boots! I'm not a shoe person, or a clothes buying person for that matter, but once in a blue moon, I suppose it's nice to treat myself

I even tried a size 8 John De la Rocha jacket... but it was quite a bit too big... which worries me. Is there something I can't see? In my mind's eye I'm still about a large size 10.

I need to talk to someone who would know how to help. But I don't know who, and I don't know if I would even take the advice because part of me doesn't want to. It's too "dangerous". It's also that morbid curiousity of how far can I go? Pushing myself to the extremes so that it gets so bad that someone else has to take over to make the decisions. I suppose it's a form of self-harm, self-punishment? A form of control in order to keep certain emotions (such as bereavement) bottled up?

Hmmm... At least getting lost in my studies is exciting enough. Who knew how fascinating Criminology really is!

Min you are so perceptive I am thrilled you had a fab day shopping and your treats sound amazing!!! Can we see some pics of the new goodies???? I love your description of yourself with your red hair in you little coat - you sound like the cutest of pixies <G>

I can relate to the how far can you go with the weight thing, I find I am thinking along those lines too atm - ie how much further can I push this - I think 52kg would be a personal lowest, so I am only 2kg off that and still loosing a bit here and there. The other part of me says this is enough, up the cals and just balance myself out - I think I am loving this skinny thing way too much. Hoping you post further on this as it is obviously something I need to address within myself. Have a fantastic Wednesday

Jez
xx