Thread: Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.

That is very sound advice Elizabeth - I don't think I can add to that, but want to lend support to you Min. It is tough, but I think E brings up some very good points.

Look after yourself hon. xxx

Thank you both so much... I tried running away a little from your responses, but they did weigh heavily on my mind... E - you're right, I will probably go through a period of fluctuations like this, but I recognize the signs earlier these days... So, I'm taking steps to fix things.
I have a problem with expressing intense emotions; I actually can't. If I feel something that I can't deal with (be it excitement, depression, happiness, shock; etc) I turn to either eating like a lunatic or to physical self-destruction (be it overeating, undereating, smoking (I gave it up), or others which I will not mention here). Anything to take me away from the intensity of whatever I am feeling, to soothe it, calm it down.
Counsellors make me angry. I've seen a few in the last 5-6 years, but I don't feel safe opening up to them. I don't want to open up to anyone close either because I feel too vulnerable. I don't like feeling that way. So I turn in-ward and try to destroy that feeling. Sometimes it does help to write all this down, to complete strangers who don't know me. Like here.


Or I draw. But I don't do it enough. This is an example of the most recent... 2008: It's quite unfinished though....

...Pushed You Away... by ~Dionycia on deviantART


Hm...

Hi hon. You are very talented Min. I've had a look at your drawings. Can I be honest - they make me feel kind of sad for you. There seems to be an awful lot of pain portrayed in them. To clarify - I do not feel "sorry" for you, but sad for you - I hope on print here you can see the difference.

Art is a wonderful way to express things that you can't verbalise outward. Its very therapuetic. I paint and draw myself, and have found it that way. I have always been interested in art, and its one of lifes regrets that I passed the opportunity to go to a really great art school in San Francisco when I was about your age.

I have been seeing a counselr for 3 or 4 weeks now, for grief counseling. I asked her, why is it that I seem to feel things so much more intensly around death and grief then others I have know, or others I see in the same process. I said others seem to pick up and move on with their lives fairly quickly - (of course they are still greiving, but they progress), where I seem to wallow in it and make myself feel it more and more - i.e. I watch a depressing movie instead of a comedy - I listen to sad music instead of upbeat music - I immerse myself in sadness. I always have - this is nothing new - and when I do not have something traumatic that I am dealing with I am quite a happy and chirpy person. But when I am down - I reallllly sink right in to it. My counselor advised me that is not uncommon for people who are artistic. She said its quite a common thing, that our sensitivites are somewhat different then someone perhaps more practical.

I don;t really know why I am rambling like this. I just felt like you might understand it.

Counseling can be effective, and sometimes you do have to go through quite a few to find a good match. This is the first counselor I have ever seen (seen about 3 others in the past) who I feel comfortable with enough so to be honest. Its scary bearing your soul, and divulging your deep darks. But it can also be healing.

Anonymous sources, like us, well - we are really kind of anonymous, aren't we all - that can help too. But sometimes, its OK to be angry with a professional, and to work through deep seated issues with them. Anger always seems to be a key part of ANYTHING big that we go through - its always a stage of something.

I can guess what some things you might have done to deal with your pain. And there are clues shown in your art.

Just remember, there are people here who genuinely care about you, and if it helps - the rattle away on the site. But don't poo poo all professional help - there may come a day when you are ready, and that will make you receptive, and you could find some balance. I know it has helped me some so far.

<<<hugs>>> You got a lot goin on in htat lil' ol' head o' yours. Don't forget to let some of it out now and again.

Min, I don't know what to say apart from to thank you for your honesty. Your drawing is amazing.
yes it is good to write out your feelings and it is good that people who don't know you and don't judge you read and re-act to your thoughts.
I can only wish for you a peaceful life and I truly hope you come to terms with your deamons.
Light, love and life. x

Hello Min,
Your art is a mixture of beauty and pain showing very intense emotion. No-one can completely understand our deep emotions and most of us here have developed many ways of covering them up. Our common method is to do it with food. As with most of these addictions it will always be easy to slip back so we have to be vigilant if it's important to us.
Lucky you have the talent to express your feelings in your drawings.
BL I'm glad the counselling is helping you a little. You are also able to express your feelings through your art. I'm sure that's why you were clearing your studio - so that it was ready when you felt able to get back in there.
Hang on in there ladies.
Life throws these huge challenges, but you are strong, determined, powerful women.
Nothing stays the same.
Women are survivors. You will come through.

Originally Posted by slendablenda

Women are survivors. You will come through.

THanks SB <hugs>

Ya know, my friend keeps telling me this:

"Women are like Tea Bags. The hotter the water, the stronger we get."

xxx

Originally Posted by Blonde Logic

I don't really know why I am rambling like this. I just felt like you might understand it.

While for now, I have no time or will to write here, I am very much honoured by your honesty. This struck me, and yes... I do understand. Thank you for telling me. Any time you feel you need to 'ramble' I'd be more than happy to listen - by private PM or anything.

Thank you ladies for having a look at my "art" and your comments... There is a lot of pain there - but I merely try to express what we all feel but many times try to shy away from. I embrace it. I guess, as a depressive it's what I understand far better than that all elusive "happiness". - And BL, I never took your comment as feeling sorry 'for' me, I understood. I was sort of wondering why you were explaining yourself...


Either way, I wish everyone to have a fantastic week! Upwards and onwards... to week 6.

P.S. Thank you for the 'Women are like teabags' joke, it made me chuckle!

Originally Posted by Minerva

And BL, I never took your comment as feeling sorry 'for' me, I understood. I was sort of wondering why you were explaining yourself...

lol - just me worrying. I often worry that here, words without vocal intonations might make what is siad be "misheard". Often times when someone tells me they feel sorry FOR me, I feel like that means pity - quite a different meaning - and I don;t ever want to be pitied, ya know? so I did not want you to think that.

So now I am done explaining myself

As you say - onward and upward!!

And yes, the teabag theory is very good, innit.

Take care hon.

xx

hi minerva
just wanted to say hi and send good luck for week 6.
i looked at the pictures - you are very talented. they have a real edge to them and are beautiful in a sad way (hope that makes sense, sort of soulful is what i am trying to say i guess)

liking the teabag too - i only drink peppermint and the stronger that gets the more tastier too -hope that is a good thing. lol!

daisy x

Hi Min,

I read your post from last week, signed in to write something, then realised I could not really add anything to what Elizabeth and BL had said. Wise words indeed. Sometimes the only thing I feel I can add is support....for what it's worth.

Your art is wonderful, and BL is right you are very talented indeed. I see a sort of freedom in submission in the drawings. Submitting to our feelings, especially when they are so deeply hidden can be a difficult thing to do. I have deep feelings around my childhood/my mother and how I felt unloved. I know they are still there, and still unresolved, but try as I might I cannot access them. 25 years after her death I still cannot access them, I suppose there will be a time when I least expect it they will surface and I hope I can just get bloody angry and then let go of them. Pushing down feelings further and further seems to be something we all do (certainly people who have some sort of addiction) because we are taught that it's rude to let those feeling show, or it's inappropriate in a particular setting.....and by doing so we are just setting ourselves up for problems later. I wish we were encouraged to be more spontaniously emotional as children, it would save so many issues later in life. Gosh that turned into a rant.

I'm so glad you're back feeling more in control of your eating habits etc and doing well with your weight loss. How's the studying going?

Originally Posted by Minerva

There is a lot of pain there - but I merely try to express what we all feel but many times try to shy away from. I embrace it. I guess, as a depressive it's what I understand far better than that all elusive "happiness". -

I actually identify very much with that Min, and I think it's an admirable quality in some ways - as someone who's suffered with depression myself, I know how alien the world of 'happiness' can seem when you feel locked out of it. I often used to feel like a child standing outside in the cold rain, with my face pressed up against the window of 'normal life', wondering why I wasn't allowed in.

Having that depressive tendency can be a valuable thing in that it gives you an opportunity for self-reflection that many people miss out on. Turning inward can be instructive and helpful. But what you don't always realise when you're there is that it can also be a kind of distorting mirror - you can lose perspective on your real situation after a while, and get lost in the winding paths of yourself.

This is where an outside perspective can really help. Having someone who can give you a more objective take on your situation can help to pull you back up to a place where you can actually begin to progress and deal with the issues in a constructive way, not just hold them at bay in an escapist way. I totally get your reluctance to do this - it's a scary prospect after all, the more so when you're convinced that only you know the reality of the situation. It's so very difficult to trust, when you've gone through your life having to rely on yourself emotionally. You're not used to sharing yourself with someone in that way, opening up to let them have a look and tell you what they see.

Can I just tell you something that a doctor said to me once, when I pointed out all the things I'd been through in life that I'd got myself through? She said yes, you're a strong person, and like all strong people you can pull yourself through a great deal. But you can't do it forever. If you keep trying to carry it all by yourself, the burden is only going to get heavier and heavier, and eventually you will lose your strength. You'll break down unless you find a way to share the burden.

I ignored that and carried on for several more years. But she was right. Eventually I couldn't do it any more. Asking for help was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do - like you I'm emotionally independent, self-reliant, stubborn. It was tough to accept that I'd reached a point where I couldn't carry on any more. But getting over that and asking for help turned out to be the best thing I could have done for myself. I only wished I'd taken that doctor's advice much sooner.

I appreciate your point about counsellors, but as BL wisely says, sometimes it's just about finding the right person. I wish you would at least give it another try hon, you're struggling by yourself when maybe you don't need to.

I hope you understand that all this is just coming from concern for you, and a wish to see you taking on and dealing with the issues you're carrying. You're a remarkable and interesting person Min, with a lot of excellent qualities. The things you've had to deal with in life are clouding your vision a bit now, I feel - we all want you to be able to shine as the person you really are.

Anyway, I'll stop going on now and just wish you all the best however you decide to proceed, and thank you again for this most fascinating and instructive journal. Your honesty is striking and valuable.

Morticia and Elizabeth - thank you both for such honesty and the fact that you wrote these things to me... I have been feeling guilty abou tnot replying because both of these replies affected me strongly when I originally read them and have consequently really helped.. I've had no time at all for anything, but I'm nearly done with the dissertation, it's all over on the 20th September. Self-imposed exile on the living room sofa with a netbook on my lap ends there! Last 2 months have been perpetually, get up between 6-7am, go downstairs, sit, close door and try to start work asap with coffee, eat something throughout the day (usually in the form of a few iceberg lettuces and a medium cauliflower that I nibble), have dinner at 8:30 and then sleep... Every day... With the exception of perhaps 3-4 in the entire 60 days! I'm not quite done yet, but nearly there...

Either way, I meant to say.. .... as my brain has not kicked in yet... I will reply to you both by private messages because I am so very grateful for your inputs. It does mean so much when someone shares things with yoy that come from the heart. Eliz - especially, I remember that your message had some uncomfortable truths that really did make me view the situation a little more objectively and try to get out before I sunk too low. Thank you.

Either way... my weeks have been stressful... I had some slip-ups, but nothing bad. Nothing as bad as the blind sugar-carb bingeing. Those are truly scary. I can stop myself again now, it's magical. I've missed having self-control.

But I am very worried how even the tiniest amount of white bread affects me. I know to keep away from all the addictive foods, and if I have some I need to 'detox' about a week for it "wear off"... For example... I love curry. Obviously, I make the smarter choice regarding the dish - so go for something with less sauce, like a tandoor, no rice. But I do have a Naan. God, I love naan. It's very calorific, but it's a very, very rare treat. And I know I'll have to pay the price.
Obviously eating out is a fairly rare occurrence, so I treat myself in moderation... But, I am still very shocked at how the tiniest amounts send me into destructive spirals. It's easier to see from a "detoxed" state of being, because you still have the power to control the situation. But it does leave me wondering - will I ever be able to eat anything other than protein, vegetables and a little fruit? Not that I have any problem with it, I love these things.
I just have to make sure my OH understands that. I have to keep reminding him not to offer me carbohydratey/sugary things. He loves me, bless him, and likes to share everything - and he does know that I have an issue with it, just forgets in his good will ( ). But I suppose he doesn't quite fully understand what a Binge Eating Disorder entails - and that it can mean that eating may never stop when started. It's a hard concept to grasp. But just like a recovering alcoholic can never truly touch alcohol, a BED sufferer cannot touch trigger foods. It seems like an unlikely comparison to make, but it's true. Both are mental and chemical addictions.

I think - since 1 March, today, on 13th September I can finally say that I have control back. Not the SUPER-DUPER control I used to have - but I don't want THAT back. It was too scary. But I can stop when I want to again. It's liberating. And I can choose not to stop too. I eat enough not to get foggy and lethargic, I do need my strength. Fell off the wagon a few times (but nothing major) - but recovered because blips are nothing in the grand scheme of things. I have 12lbs to go until my target, and maybe I'll achieve this by Christmas. I hope anyway! But, if I don't, it's not a tragedy. Life will keep going in the New Year and I'll lose it then.

Plus, there's going to be some celebrating next week... A full year of extremely hard work (what's a weekend?), patience, real perseverance and pushing myself to the limit though some severe emotional losses - comes to an end. My Masters will be finished on the 20th. Surely, a cause for a little over-indulgence?

Hi Min, fantastic to hear you're almost through that hard studying, you've done so well to cope with it on top of everything else you're dealing with. Well done! And yes, a little celebration will be called for in a few days.

Completely with you on your experience of needing to keep away from carbs/sugar, and the analogy to an alcoholic not being able to have a drink without risking a terrible downward spiral and loss of control, I touched on that in previous posts. It's still a controversial idea for a lot of people I think, but as more anecdotal evidence leads to more research, I think our ideas on this subject will undergo radical overhaul in the years to come, just as our understanding of the physiological aspects of alcoholism and drug addiction improved over time.

Ultimately you're working out through trial and error what actually works for YOU as an individual, and that's really important. It's only through experimenting and observing how our bodies react that we find the balance we all crave.

Gosh, it's been a long time since I was round these parts, but I was thinking about you the other day Min and wondering how you're doing these days. I hope you're well and happy. Would be lovely to hear how things are going.