Thread: Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.

Not sure where I belong to be honest... And then I always feel I'm too insignificant for my own thread in a forum... I always feel bad about making one? However, I need a small space... to write down my daily thoughts.

I'm doing the Lite RTM which lasts only 4 weeks and this time it's so different from the first time when I did 12 week RTM after abstinence. I was YEARNING for food the first time around, I was looking forward to my triggers, I didn't feel like I'd learnt enough I suppose. But before I undid everything that I had achieved I returned to LL and got to my target finally.

Technically speaking tomorrow I'd have completed Week 1 of my 4-Week module of RTM. However, I'm so reluctant to stop going. My OH actually had to shout at me yesterday to eat an apple because I was still doing the 'Lite' thing. I'm just so scared in so many ways. I am working so hard to plan out something that works for me. Looking around at SB's and BL's daily eating plans actually helped me a lot in terms of working out a schedule. If I have a ritual I can follow, I will be less likely to stray from it. Not treating food as an obsticle or treat, just as a 'fuel' to keep going.

I really am petrified. But I am trying to make myself motivated to actually eating again since I am tired of ...well being tired. I blank out all the time. And I know my OH isn't happy with me being so lethargic. But I'm also so addicted to finally being able to KNOW what it's like to be thin. All my life I've wondered what it's like. All my life I wished to be slim... And now I am and I want to keep pushing. I need to stop. I need to keep going. I need to stop? ... never ending dialemma.

I am learning to eat painfully slowly. Load my plate up with vegetables and lettuce along side some protein. Eat my veggies and lettuce first over a period of 30 minutes or so, then tuck into the protein... By that time I'm quite full and I've taught myself to listen to my stomach. I've always had the problem of not being able to hear what it's telling me. If it got too full I'd start to binge. I know I have a problem there, so I try to keep it below that 'comfortably full' level. Sort of stop when I'm still a teeny bit hungry, put the plate down.
I do enjoy every mouthful, tasting the textures, the flavours. However, food has lost all appeal to me. I used to get excited about it, now it's just ... food. It's more about quality now I suppose, than quantity. I actually give my OH the bigger portion than I dish out to myself. Lol, oh god am I making him fat? I don't mean to... .. argh. I have stopped buying him treats and snacks though. ROFL.

Ok so, today I had (after a long argument yesterday with my OH about me actually having to start RTM properly ... UGH):


Breakfast: LL Porridge with some Skim. Milk and cinnamon.

Snack: LL Savoury Broth (they're so nasty >.< )

Lunch: Half a small apple microwaved with some cinnamon in LL porridge.

Dinner: 80g Quorn Mince souteed together with a small bowl of yesterday's Bacon/Lentil soup + salad and vegetables. And a pickle (Tesco has these AMAZING pickled gherkins that are made with sweetners unlike every other pickled gherkin range out there which have sugar!). ... Threw about a third of my quorn/lentil sauce away though as I was full. ^_^
For dessert I had half a pot of low-fat peach/passion-fruit yoghurt on some sugar-free raspberry jelly.


Didn't eat my bar today... Meh. Can't be asked now.


Tomorrow I get to introduce nuts and seeds and dry fruit. Exciting stuff.

Need to buy lots of sugar-free jelly from Sainsbury's. YAY. Love it. It's so filling and really, quite sin free.

Just reading KD's maintenance blog.. back from 2006. I see a lot of processes going on back then, that I am very much working on right now.
One that brought it all home was:

Originally Posted by KD

I found that if I eat healthily and don't deprive myself, I'm less inclined to binge. Okay, this doesn't always work. I'm still known to have the odd pacman adventure, but they are less. I've also worked a lot on learning how to stop a binge, or indeed never let one happen in the first place. Again, doesn't always work, but I'm getting there.

Bingeing is my main problem. But like KD I am working so hard to recognise where my problems lie and never to let them happen again. Well not NEVER; because we're all human. Slip-ups happen. However, recognising that behaviour and stopping it before it gets out of hand is the important thing. I want to maintain for the rest of my life, and never be on a "diet" again. I want to make the modified, more healthy approach my lifestyle - but never feeling deprived. If I want a chocolate, I will have it, but in MODERATION.

But first, however, I must address the head demons which are slowly being purged and caged. I do recognise that none of this happens overnight, there are still many lessons to be learnt here.

First step; accept myself and my flaws.
Second step; forgive myself.
Third step; sit down, and work out a course of action that works for me to change my flaws.

And mostly, and importantly: Be HONEST with myself! Never forget that I hold all my choices and decisions in my hands.

Its too early - I glanced and saw the title of this thread and thought they moved my diary in here!! Better get a coffee and wake up first. lol

Hi Min, what do you mean you don't know where you should be? Right here of course.

I've found the logging of foods, challenges and emotions to be very cathartic and it's definitely helping me work things out for myself (which is what RTM is there for after all), much better than just 'thinking' about stuff!

I fully appreciate what you say about 'what it feel like to be slim'. I've always wondered and never known (and still don't feel anywhere near as slim as I look/others say), I guess this is just one of the many changes we all need to embrace before we can fully come to terms with, and appreciate new eating/lifestyle habits that others find so natural.

Well done on starting the thread & I look forward to reading more over the coming weeks

I'm glad you share my sentiment of finally knowing what it's like to be thin Sean! See I kind of feared I'd never feel or see it, but I finally do. I may have lots of saggy skin left over, many stretchmarks, but feck it. It's all mine at the end of the day, and I'm glad it's there. It reminds me of the journey I've come. And reminds me of the paths I don't want to go back down.
Overeating, the constant emotional pain of overdoing it, wallowing in disappointment thinking that food is the answer. Today I had my WI, and I stayed the same. Last time this happened this urge to binge washed over me (this was about 5 weeks ago), I just started thinking about serving myself a HUGE portion of food to "drown" my sorrow of STS. ... LOL. This time, today, I lamented over it for about 5 seconds, then I realised I was happy with where I was. The "dissapointment-overeating" thought vanished within 2 seconds also.

I am working hard on breaking the cycle/habits and recognising where my over-eats happen the most. I've recognised a few so far;
Disappointment. Mostly when I've put a lot of effort into something and it's all been for nothing.
That sinking feeling. That emptiness that develops right about in the middle of my chest that suddenly needs filling with 'comfort'. Caused by loneliness and deep regret.
Happiness. Strange one to put down I admit, but who's watching or worrying about anything when on top of the world? Like a drunken feeling, we lose control when everything is going well.
Absentmindedness. Having that plate of cookies next to you while reading. 10 cookies left. ... you turn the page... you reach out; no cookies left on the plate. Wait, what? ... (Measure out a ration, seal the bag, put it in the cupboard. Take your allocated treat to the other room and enjoy! NEVER have the whole bag next to you.)
Stress. Hasn't quite hit me yet - there are many things on my mind, but I just have to watch this one with caution, though it doesn't cause me much grief.

This isn't an over-eating problem as such, but I need to be more strict with it... Eating while cooking. I know the odd nibble of carrot or cabbage won't hurt, but it all adds up, doesn't it at the end... Then again I don't compensate for the loss on the final plate... I don't eat lets say; a carrot, and then get another one out of the fridge for the dish I'm cooking. Ugh... Am I kidding myself somewhere? I hope this doesn't end up a problem. I am trying to not allow myself to do it, or stop myself.... blah. Most of the time I succeed.


Maybe I'll see some more 'issues' further down the line.



Right; today's menu was:

Breakfast: LL Porridge with a small teaspoon of raisins + cinnamon. Yum.

Lunch: LL Cranberry&Raspberry bar.

Dinner: Soy sauce + Chicken stirfry with cabbage, carrots, red onion, yellow/green peppers. Added some salad, some radishes, sauerkraut on the side and 1 gherkin. ... Gave most of the cooked stir-fry portion to my boyfriend, had about a third of it all. And small servings of the salad additions, I like a huge variety of tastes and textures, it doesn't take much.
Dessert: Teaspoon of dry blueberries, teaspoon of raisins with half a bowl of sugar-free jelly.


I feel like I've over-eaten the dinner. Then again I never experienced that 'stuffed' feeling at any point. Maybe I'm being paranoid because a couple of weeks ago my portion was quite a bit bigger! Oh I do like my smaller plate. I bought one especially, it's square. I really think I should buy myself an even smaller one, this one still seems quite large ...

Why do I feel as if I've overeaten already?
Weird.

At least I went on a long walk (5 hours!), so I actually did some exercise for once...! I actually felt like I had the ENERGY to do it! I can't wait for the lethargic feeling to shift completely, I really hope my brain does wake up eventually and doesn't 'fuzz' out all the time when I'm low on energy. I hate being brain-dead and always stuck in daydreams. ...

My walk resulted in a nice new dish to have my dinner from. A pasta bowl (6 inch diameter, 2.5 inches deep). My long lasting battle with portion sizes has been slowly tamed. When I came off LighterLife the first time my portions grew larger and larger because I was using the same huge plate. Why do we in England even HAVE such big plates??!? They're ridiculous, and you all wonder why you're fat. I went to Latvia last week, lived where I used to live as a child. Our dinner plates there are a little smaller than English SIDE plates. Christ. In Europe, people may have 2 servings of dinner, maybe even 2 courses but remain slim. And the ENglish always wonder WHY! They use so much fat and lard! OMG!! ... Yeah, but the portions are about a fourth of the ones that people have in England. ALL DOWN TO THE PLATES!!

I cut my portions down slowly over the period of 6 months. It was done in quite a few steps:
1) Quantity was important to me in the beginning. So slowly I'd substitute the protein, and possible 'carb' BULK with vegetables, so that instead of 20% veg/salad, 50% protein, 30% carb - it slowly became 60% vegetables/salad, 30% protein, 10% carbs. Pile on the cos lettuce on top just for that VISUAL height of food.
2) Over a period of time slow down eating. Chew every mouthful, taste the juices and flavours. I've perfected the art of eating my dinner until it gets absolutely cold. Lol. I enjoy it much more though. And because I get so much enjoyment from eating it I slowly detach my emotional dependence on food. It's weird how that happened. Maybe because I don't associate it with one particular emotion anymore, but rather than an entity on it's own. Food for the sake of Food. And also Food for the sake of enjoyment, nourishmnent and fuel to keep going!
3) Once I tackled step 2, I noticed that I wasn't finishing the whole of my meal because I was listening to my stomach much more to tell me that it's satisfied. I actually left food on my plate! Unthinkable. Well, I bought a slightly smaller plate, but only when I was ready - since I want to avoid that mental *Temper Tantrum* of DEPRIVATION. I know I'm a stubborn mule, so I have to be slow and cautious not to stir up my stubborn demons. Silly eh. But if I feel 'deprived' I know my mind will rebel in a huge way! So smaller plate, went down well. Now I'm onto an even smaller one, and I'm not worried about my portion size because I know I don't actually finish everything. If I'm still hungry at any point I know I can go back for seconds (and seconds will only add up to 1 portion I had a few months ago! So no danger of having it.) .. If I have seconds I'll feel like I've had more that evening without doing any damage to myself what so ever. .. Ahhhh. Awesome.
4) Turn the need of "quantity" into the need of "quality" and the need of a whole variety of flavours, textures, spices, combination of sensations in small quantities. I mean why would I want to eat a huge slosh of same tasting stuff when I can have a selection of crunchy, sweet, pickled, salty, whatever all in one sitting?



Today's in-take:

Breakfast: LL Porridge with heaped teaspoon of dry blueberries.

Very late 'Tea': 70g prawns fried together in soya with 3 button mushrooms, some baby spinach and half a tomato. ... Served on the other half of the tomato + 4 radishes + grated carrot and salad leaves on top. ~about 150 calories

Dinner: Beef stew, made with onion, turnip, carrot, cauliflower and broccoli +lots of spices and stuffs.
Dessert: Half a bowl of Sugar-free Jelly + 1 tablespoon frozen raspberries + 1 teaspoon of half-fat creme fraiche.

Today was my birthday! But I didn't use it as any kind of excuse to allow myself anything extra. Lol. I just know I have a few planned meals out for the next 2 weeks; a wedding next wednesday, and then two Birthday meals out with parents and friends.
Buuuuuuuuuuuut my OH really wanted to go out for my Birthday since we haven't gone out for so long... So I looked for the healthiest option and ended up deciding on Nando's! Love Nando's and it's actually fairly healthy if you make the right choices.

My OH did try to push me to have extras, things that are still off the menu "just because it's your birthday". ... Lol? .. I'm trying to apply the rule: Just because I can - doesn't mean I should. .. and it's working. A celebration is no excuse to pig out.

Went to the V&A Museum which was nice! Was quite worn out by the end though.

Today's menu:

Breakfast: LL porridge with a tablespoon of dry blueberries and goji berries.

Lunch: LL bar and an apple.

Dinner: 8 Peri-Peri Nando's nuts (~50 cal). 1/4 Medium spice chicken (~400 cal), Ratatouille (~140 cal), Mixed leaf salad (~15 cal).

Dessert: Jelly with teaspoon of half-fat creme fraiche and tablespoon of frozen raspberries.


Over-all I don't think I did too badly. My OH and I ordered a whole chicken between us, he ate half, but I stuck to having a quarter - I didn't have the other bit "just because it was there". Kinda proud of myself for that. But because it was there, I almost DID forget that I only planned to have a quarter not half! Need to make sure I'm conscious of all this in the future. It is so very easy to over-indulge and forget.

Nice one Min, good attitude and result at nandos

And a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Happy belated birthday!
well done for sticking to your plan
daisy x

Thanks guys! Had a good day out today as well, went to the cinema to see the new Star Trek movie - it was awesome! Go see it!!

Ugh I feel fuzzy... >.<

Breakfast: LL Porridge with teaspoon of dry blueberries and goji berries.

Lunch: 100g tofu (about 60 cal), fried in some soya together with 1 courgette, a tomato, 2 medium mushrooms. Served on a bed of spinach leaves, + teaspoon of sunflower seeds and sprinkle of parmesan cheese.
--- the tofu and courgette were completely new additions to my 'palette' - I'd never tried them before... however the mere thought of the courgette is making me want to puke at the moment. Not sure why. Or the tofu - it came out all mushy....

Dinner: Vegetable chicken curry served on some cauliflower and half a turnip. 2 gherkins + salad.

Dessert: LL bar.

Minerva....a little tip about Tofu I find that makes it tastier...

The night before youintend to eat it, "press" it to remove excess water. There is a lot of water in tofu. How I do it is this: place a dish towel on a wire rack, if you have one, if not put it roght on a plate and double it up so its thick. Cover with a couple sheets of kitchen roll. place the tofu on it, and the another couple sheets of kichen roll on top. Place something VERY heavy on top. I use a heavy cast iron pot full of water. Leave this for several hours if ou have time, a few in a pinch. This presses all the excess water out into the towels and "drains" the Tofu.

It then has a much denser, nicer consistency.

I always cook the Tofu first as well if I am doing a stir fry, and I cook it till its really nice and browned, and almost crispy - remove it - cook the veg and then add it back in towards the end to warm it again.

Its really nice that way. Give it a go! Its not very nice if its all soft, and mushy and I find it holds flavour better this way too - and lets face it - tofu needs all the help it can get to be flavourful.

A nice recipe for you to try, my favourite, is Tofu, prepared as above and then soaked in soy, garlic, soy and a spoonful of Sesame Oil.

Then, stir fry broccoli and cauliflour - add in the tofu. Stir fry - add more soy or seasoing to taste and serve over brown rice or bulghar wheat. Top with plain yogurt, bit of shredded chedder and spring onions.

Its GORGEOUS! One of my favourite meals ever.

Hope that helps.

Ooooh sounds yummy BL! Thank you for your tips! Though I think if I put a heavy cast iron pan on top of the tofu I have it'll just turn into mush? It's very fragile it seems...

I'll try to cook something with it again when the stomach upset/puke-y feeling has gone... I think it was the courgette rather than the tofu... but who knows. Too many new things all at once!

Ugh I feel so ill... my head is splitting open, have a really heavy and slightly painful feeling in my stomach (maybe indigestion?) and all my muscles are absolutely killing me... Feel like I'm gonna throw up at even the thought of food, but I stuffed something down so that I keep going...

Breakfast: An apple.

Lunch: A small portion of dry mushrooms boiled together with some red lentils (about 40g), large carrot and 3 finely sliced normal mushrooms. Sprinkled with some parmesan cheese, served with a small gem lettuce and 4 radishes.


I did get slight urges to get some bread or something like a warm muffin though for that 'feel better' factor. I noticed the slight urges while walking around trying not to fall over... I guess I really do associate freshly baked bread with that Home Comfort Everything-Will-Be-Ok feeling ... My grannies used to make Pirogi, both Latvian and Russian ones were so very different from one another! But absolutely mouthwatering granny style baked goods. I hope I can make them for my own children one day because they're awesome.
OR when granny would come home from food shopping with a warm loaf of fluffy white bread from the bakers.. I was notorious for leaving huge holes in the bread if it was left unattended even for a minute! I kind of miss those days... but I know that if I was to treat myself that way I'd have to do it in moderation. ... if I ever bake bread, god help me not to eat the whole damn thing in one go!! It's only good when it's warm.


Hm.. haven't had my two foodpacks or the other meal... feeeck it. I don't know if I can stomach anything more... I think I'll go to bed soon, maybe tomorrow I'll feel better ...

Originally Posted by Minerva

Ooooh sounds yummy BL! Thank you for your tips! Though I think if I put a heavy cast iron pan on top of the tofu I have it'll just turn into mush? It's very fragile it seems...

I'll try to cook something with it again when the stomach upset/puke-y feeling has gone... I think it was the courgette rather than the tofu... but who knows. Too many new things all at once!

don't give up on Tofu - becasue it is the most healthy food you can eat. seriously.

There are two kinds....one is "silken" which comes in a small box, about the size of a couple decks of playing cards...then there is firm, which comes in a larger flatter box.

The silken is really only good for desserts, and mayonaise, and soups.

Just make sure you use the firm. Once it is cooked you cannot press it - thats only for before.

But once you get the hang of it yo can b=make some wonderful things with it. So don;t write it off just yet!

I think I'll leave tofu to the professionals for now... I do realise the potentials of it being uberly nice and healthy in the future for lunches, but for now I think I'll leave it...!


At least I feel a little bit better today, albeit my head still does hurt a bit, and my stomach gets the odd pang of pain.

Today's menu:

Breakfast: LL Porridge with a small handful of raisins and few dried blueberries.

Lunch: 75g Prawns fried together in soya sauce (with a dash of tabasco and some dry dill) with 3 mushrooms and spinach. Sat on a 'bed' of lettuce, cut up radishes, a tomato. Sprinkled with Parmesan cheese.
After-Lunch: Coffee + 1 Sugar-Free Macaroon.

Dinner: Chicken Fajitas (Old El Paso Smoky BBQ Mix!) with red pepper and red onion. Extras include some sweetcorn, low-fat mayonnaise, and salad leaves. (I use a large cabbage leaf for the "wrap" - it works surprisingly well! Microwave your cabbage leaf for 3-4 mins to soften it up.)

Dessert: Had a half of a Pear Crumble... Made with 1 pear, some raisins, 1tsp Vanilla extract, cinnamon and water. Crumble top made out of 2 LL Cranberry&Raspberry bars (hence having a half). Baked at 190*C for 40 mins. Mmm. It was yummy.



I made some macaroons today as well! Awesomely tasty Here's the recipe:

Sugar-Free Coconut Macaroons.

2 Cups Unsweetened Shredded Coconut
4 Egg whites
1 tsp almond extract
1/2 cup Splenda sweetner
2 Tbsp water

1. Preheat the oven to 190 C.
2. Mix the coconut and Splenda powder together and set aside for a little while.
3. Add the almond extract and the water to the egg whites and beat together for about 3 minutes.
4. Tip the wet mixture into the dry mix and fold it all together, compact it, and set aside for 5-10 minutes.
5. Scoop small balls out of the mixture and compact into small patties in your hands. (about 1inch balls). The mixture should make about 10-12 macaroons. I used a silicone mat to bake on.
6. Put the oven tray in the oven and turn down the heat to 160 C. Bake for 15 minutes. Turn them over and bake for another 10. They should be slightly golden on both sides.


I had ONE with my coffee - it's my "nut" daily allowance at the moment, and it was very, very tasty! They're quite crisp on the outside and moist inside. They even passed 'The Hungry Boyfriend' test!! My OH scoffed about 5 in one go. No sugar in them, no real 'badness'. Just natural coconut oils/fatty acids, and proteins from the egg white.