FOR START OF 2013 JOURNEY - please go to this post:
(Minerva's on a mission!!)
The beginning of this Journal is from 2011 - where I struggled a lot. It goes through many downs in the journey and many disappearances... but I kept trying to fix myself, the main thing is not to give up!
I didn't really know what to call this journal... But for some reason, a Nine Inch Nails lyric sounded in my mind... It felt right for how I'm feeling.
I wear this crown of s**t
Upon my liar's chair,
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair...
Perhaps it's best not to question instincts, for when melancholy washes over oneself, it sweeps one off the feet with no remorse. I let it play out. Fighting it only makes the undertow stronger...
But that is all beside the point. What is the point? I'm making a new little cosy corner for myself, to take up residence while I figure out how to get back to a 'happy box'. Not just with my weight, but with my confidence. I'm not entirely sure why being overweight hits my confidence so badly. It's debilitating. I feel as if I'm covered in mucus, a slimy worthless vile monster. I can hardly bear looking at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry. And a part of my brain screams - why is it such a big deal? I know in my heart of hearts I don't look like a monster, there are people around me who are similar size, or bigger being perfectly happy and no one thinks anything of their looks. But something just isn't clicking. If someone looks at me, or god forbid, touches me I recoil in sheer terror because I may have 'infected' them with some disease. Why does my brain play such cruel tricks on me? I can't bear to be around anyone, my mind makes up cruel jokes, whispers sick horrible things into my ear as if it's what the other person is thinking about me. I know it's not true, I try to shake it off... but the damage had been done. Maybe the childhood years of constant nagging about my weight and appearance engrained itself in my adult brain. As we grow up, neuroses really come through sharper - like nails on a chalkboard. We're getting less resilient as we get past those teenage years it seems.
A few years ago, my original LLC posed the question in one of the sessions - imagine if someone actually said to you, the things you kept telling yourself in your head everyday - would you stand for it? I doubt it. But it's not like I can punch myself in the face, can I? I wish. She said at the time, that our minds put us through impossible torment, something you would never imagine inflicting on someone else. I often wondered how to fix it. We are our own worst critics, but surely there has to be a point when you can say 'Well done, you did well'. Have you ever actually felt pleased with yourself? Was anything you ever did, good enough?
Minds play tricks on us. My partner is much more able to admit he did something well, he celebates his achievements. I also let him celebrate mine for me. When I received my Masters distinction and prize for achievements... Something inside screamed at me and told me it's all a fluke, they gave me a good mark by mistake. I didn't think I worked hard enough, even though I knew, short of giving up my sleeping hours, I physically couldn't have done more.
I'm so lucky to have my partner. He anchors me to this world and wakes me up from my nightmares... I hope you have a special person, be it a friend, a partner or sibling who also does this for you.
I always have a tendency to ramble about such ... depressing things, don't I? I do apologise. I suppose there needs to be an outlet somewhere.
I'm feeling a little apprehensive, but also excited about restarting Lighter Life Lite on Saturday... I do hope the lady confirms that I can start this week. My BMI is a little over the 'range', but she said she'd tweak the numbers a little so that I fit into the criteria... I've tried getting into the weight range over the last 4 weeks with a calorie controlled diet and going to the gym 3-4 times per week, but... my weight has actually not changed. So frustrating...
But going to the gym has been eventful. I see improvements every week. Building on the time spent exercising, resistance and overall intense endurance on the machines... I guess, my goal, eventually is to go on the treadmill when I don't feel like a total blob. I want to run in the Race for Life next year as a long term ambition. I want to be fit enough and raise money for cancer research. Way too many people are affected by this, not just in the world, but also in my own family (my grandmother died to cancer) and also my partner's family is going through a lot right now. His Auntie has recurring tumours around her body and has just finished a second round of chemotherapy... His mum has just had cancer preventative surgery, having her ovaries removed and more recently, her breasts removed. I've always hated running, but I feel it's something I'd really like to do. I'm small and insignificant, but I want to do my part to contribute towards the bigger whole.
I think... that's all for now. Getting ready for Saturday, cutting all the carbs out, already gave up the Diet Coke (which I love so much ), watching what I eat to make the transition as painless as possible... I'm ready. Bring it on.