...I'll keep digging, 'till I feel something.
Disclaimer - I mostly wrote this below for me... to try to work things out. I'm still trying to work through what happened, as emotions and triggers are such complex things. :) Read if you want, or skip!
Well... so here's a bit about me... I've always been big even when I was little... Since about 12 years of age developed severe depression, been on medication - but it did more harm than good. Met my OH in 2005 and with him (he's my happiness) balanced with depressive periods, somehow I managed to get up to 18st 7. ...so, desperate, fat, and terrified of going outside for being called names by white van drivers (!) - I went on Lighter Life in 2008. I lost 7 stone that year, and even though I hadn't reached my target I had to come off because ketosis and 10 months on the diet made me feel very ill. From then on it's been a bit of a car crash. In December that year I lost my Russian granny and that left me absolutely devastated. My grandparents (all 4 of them) were more like parents, as my dad was never around much and my mum died when I was 4.
That death triggered something bad, I wanted to start comfort eating, I was smoking more than I had been before. Went to 20 a day! ... Then, in February 2009 (2 months after granny's death) - I decided to go back on Lighter Life and lose the rest. I quit smoking at the same time (now a non-smoker! :) ). With no grief relieving vices, I internalised everything. Lighter Life eventually became everything, food restriction equalled emotion restriction. I felt that I could control at least something in my life when everything else seemed to be falling apart around me. With Lighter Life I lost a further 2 stone. I came off, but calorie restriction didn't end, as my grief remained, unresolved. Eventually I reached BMI 18.
I became extremely withdrawn and aggressive. Snappy. Stressed to the point that I would get small panic attacks over the smallest things. I was doing my Masters in Criminology at the same time - so I spent nearly every waking moment reading, studying, not eating, ignoring my partner, avoiding any fun at all. It was all punishment. For what? I'm not sure.
In March 2010, the Russian granddad died - at the same time as my OH and I were buying a house and moving. ... In all honesty, I don't remember much of those few months. It was all within 2 months - mental breakdown. I couldn't do it. Stress from Masters, moving, another death triggering flood from the first one, plus food restriction to an obsessive level (I counted and recounted EVERYTHING)... it was too much. I crashed into food. I ate early morning until late at night just to 'deal' with life. I got through University, got through moving of house - all with the demands of compulsary routines of the every day. I didn't cry once. I just blanked out with food to have enough energy for it all.
I developed a severe compulsion, binge eating disorder. It came to a point that I couldn't function unless I was eating. If I wasn't eating - MY WORLD WOULD COLLAPSE, I was sure of it. I would go to every shop, buy small amounts in each one then go home and eat all of it. Some days would easily by 5000 calories or more. This was nearly every day. I would eat, be sick, eat again. Bloated, constant pain. All in secret, people were wondering how I was putting on so much weight after being so skeletal. A desperate frenzy and panic all the time.
It took me from 2010 until now to fix that mentality. Those looks people gave me when they saw me first time after size 8 in a size 18 within the space of a few months... Wide eyed look of disbelief and shock. Awful. It still haunts me. In that period I tried going back to dieting, failed attempts every time. I wasn't ready. Every attempt did more damage.
But... it's done now. 2013 is different. I'm ready to get on with my life, I'm ready to do it right. I've managed to maintain my weight at about 15 stone all of 2012 and finished off the few remaining binge eating demons. They are inside, but I know not to let them out now. :)
So... this is Day 41 of VLCD - combination of Lighter Life and Slim & Save - all 100% on route. Much longer than any other attempts I've had in years! Still feel calm. Hungry on occasion, but .. generally it's not a struggle. No means no again and it feels good! :D