...I'll keep digging, 'till I feel something.

Hello :)

Disclaimer - I mostly wrote this below for me... to try to work things out. I'm still trying to work through what happened, as emotions and triggers are such complex things. :) Read if you want, or skip!

Well... so here's a bit about me... I've always been big even when I was little... Since about 12 years of age developed severe depression, been on medication - but it did more harm than good. Met my OH in 2005 and with him (he's my happiness) balanced with depressive periods, somehow I managed to get up to 18st 7. ...so, desperate, fat, and terrified of going outside for being called names by white van drivers (!) - I went on Lighter Life in 2008. I lost 7 stone that year, and even though I hadn't reached my target I had to come off because ketosis and 10 months on the diet made me feel very ill. From then on it's been a bit of a car crash. In December that year I lost my Russian granny and that left me absolutely devastated. My grandparents (all 4 of them) were more like parents, as my dad was never around much and my mum died when I was 4.

That death triggered something bad, I wanted to start comfort eating, I was smoking more than I had been before. Went to 20 a day! ... Then, in February 2009 (2 months after granny's death) - I decided to go back on Lighter Life and lose the rest. I quit smoking at the same time (now a non-smoker! :) ). With no grief relieving vices, I internalised everything. Lighter Life eventually became everything, food restriction equalled emotion restriction. I felt that I could control at least something in my life when everything else seemed to be falling apart around me. With Lighter Life I lost a further 2 stone. I came off, but calorie restriction didn't end, as my grief remained, unresolved. Eventually I reached BMI 18.

I became extremely withdrawn and aggressive. Snappy. Stressed to the point that I would get small panic attacks over the smallest things. I was doing my Masters in Criminology at the same time - so I spent nearly every waking moment reading, studying, not eating, ignoring my partner, avoiding any fun at all. It was all punishment. For what? I'm not sure.

In March 2010, the Russian granddad died - at the same time as my OH and I were buying a house and moving. ... In all honesty, I don't remember much of those few months. It was all within 2 months - mental breakdown. I couldn't do it. Stress from Masters, moving, another death triggering flood from the first one, plus food restriction to an obsessive level (I counted and recounted EVERYTHING)... it was too much. I crashed into food. I ate early morning until late at night just to 'deal' with life. I got through University, got through moving of house - all with the demands of compulsary routines of the every day. I didn't cry once. I just blanked out with food to have enough energy for it all.

I developed a severe compulsion, binge eating disorder. It came to a point that I couldn't function unless I was eating. If I wasn't eating - MY WORLD WOULD COLLAPSE, I was sure of it. I would go to every shop, buy small amounts in each one then go home and eat all of it. Some days would easily by 5000 calories or more. This was nearly every day. I would eat, be sick, eat again. Bloated, constant pain. All in secret, people were wondering how I was putting on so much weight after being so skeletal. A desperate frenzy and panic all the time.

It took me from 2010 until now to fix that mentality. Those looks people gave me when they saw me first time after size 8 in a size 18 within the space of a few months... Wide eyed look of disbelief and shock. Awful. It still haunts me. In that period I tried going back to dieting, failed attempts every time. I wasn't ready. Every attempt did more damage.

But... it's done now. 2013 is different. I'm ready to get on with my life, I'm ready to do it right. I've managed to maintain my weight at about 15 stone all of 2012 and finished off the few remaining binge eating demons. They are inside, but I know not to let them out now. :)

So... this is Day 41 of VLCD - combination of Lighter Life and Slim & Save - all 100% on route. Much longer than any other attempts I've had in years! Still feel calm. Hungry on occasion, but .. generally it's not a struggle. No means no again and it feels good! :D

Wow...just wow...I don't even know where to start. So much of what you have shared resonates with me. I went through the same thing in terms of severely restricting my calories a few years back when my parents divorced and my mother remarried and moved me half way across the country. Then I left dance college and literally sat on the sofa for a year...I completely understand when you talk about the looks people gave you...mine even went as far as comments of "bloody hell you've got fat havn't you"...much worse from my own parents. What I'm saying is, you are now an inspiration to me because you have turned it all around, a place I am yet to reach. I just wanted to tell you that you sharing this has really helped me, I feel like maybe I just might see the otherside :) so thank you.

Aww *hug* I'm glad you found something that maybe helped you? It's really really not an easy road to 'recovery' especially after a lot of crap happens in personal life (took me 2 years...), but it will happen... even if it really doesn't seem like it right now. I know what you mean about parents - my grandparents have always been quite dismissive about me being fat (but not in a mean way, they were just concerned) and my dad's always been the type to say things a bit too honestly! Even when I was normal BMI he'd say - well you still could lose a bit ... Bloody family eh :p Always hurts so much more then they're involved!!

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Day 45 -

Been feeling quite hungry generally for the last two weeks, but just got on with it as I usually do. Have had bad brain foggyness which doesn't help when I have an exam next week... Work going slower than it should.. Just feel my eyes fuzz out and then 10 minutes later I 'wake up' having drifted off somewhere. Not good!!

Been on plan all day as usual, but my OH and I have planned a night off after our Wi. I've taken to taking the measurement first thing in the morning as I'm always 2-3 lb heavier by the evening - depending on how much I drink - and I don't want to stop drinking just to make myself 'lighter' in the evening, so I'll just weigh myself first thing on Thursdays. It's the same thing really as long as it's consistent.

Received a nice card and pretty set of earrings from the OH. :) I got him a card too and a desk gadget and a book. He seemed pleased - it's all silly really.
Lol. Valentines Day. What a joke. :) I give my OH little gifts all year, not sure why there's a whole day of it. Oh well, any excuse to spend with him is more than welcome!! 7 and a half years and still can't imagine being apart for longer than a few hours. :)

Happy Valentines Day all you lovely ladies!

x