Claire's art of self-sabotage
This diary is really just to give me a place to moan. I need to lose at least 4 stone before I can book my breast augmentation operation. It's my 30th birthday in July 2014 and I want to buy myself a boob job as a 'happy birthday' present to myself. I've just got off the phone to a lady at the Nuffield Hospital in Glasgow and she has advised that the surgeons are very reluctant to operate on anyone with a BMI of over 30 due to anesthetic risks and also the fact that its a cosmetic procedure and the best results cannot be achieved with the excess weight.
Now, don't think for one minute that losing weight has come as some great shock to me, because it hasn't. I was planning on having my op in July to allow me the 6 months to lose weight before hand - what has come as a great shock to me is how much I currently weight.
I have always generally been a size 16, and that's fine. I've resigned myself to that. I'd love to be a size 14, but I've never managed to reach that, no matter how much I diet. However, over the last 12 months, I have eaten myself into a size 20 and I am disgusted with myself. I thought I would have weighted 17 stone odds, but, after having stood on the scales, I can say I am just under 18 and a half stone. I cant even describe how annoyed I am with myself about this. My scales horrified me with 257.4lbs.
So, January the 1st (or 2nd, depending on what the celebrations are) will be the start of my 3rd attempt at a VLCD diet. I have been diagnosed with PCOS which generally means that dieting is like banging my head off a wall. Cutting calories is all fine and well, but I lose about half a stone and plateau, and thus lose motivation. I've tried Atkins, which I loved first time round. Second time made me ill and every time after I lose interest after a few weeks because I start to feel a bit sick from all the fat. But cutting carbs is the only way I shift the bulge.
I've tried to do the Cambridge diet a few times in the past, but I can never get the shakes/soups to be 'un-lumpy' and the bars give me stomach pains, and please, don't even get me started on the wallpaper paste porridge! This leaves me with the tetras, and I absolutely hate strawberry and banana flavoured drinks, so I end up living off of chocolate tetras. which is great, for a couple of weeks, and then I'm sick of chocolate - I don't like chocolate at the best of times - I'd much rather have a bag of crisps than a bar of chocolate.
I also tried slim and save and found the flavours to be much more to my liking, and the fact that they do 'meal' packs is a bonus if I feel like I want to pretend to eat real food. But I failed miserably at this the last time. Partly because I am weak-willed and I need constant motivation, and also because I got the worst constipation I've ever had in my life. Like seriously bad. We're talking 'sat on the toilet for half an hour trying to poop out a bowling ball and eventually had to *ahem* help it out with a good old finger or two.....!
However, I badly need to lose at least 4 stones before a surgeon will contemplate giving me my boobs, so VLCD it shall be. With fiber supplements coming out of my ears, and a possibly side order of senacot if I fear the inevitable coming on.
Now I know what you're all thinking "if you're that fat, surely you must have big boobs already?". No. No I don't. I barely fill an A cup which is completely disproportionate to my size. Alongside the lack of cuppage, because of my size, I need a 38/40 and they don't really make 38/40A bra sizes. Which means I either end up with horrible granny bras from a catalogue, or I buy a 38B and just dont fill it. I choose the latter, but always the '2 cups bigger' ones and keep adjusting my boobs to try and get them to fill the bra.
Sick of it.
If this isn't the best motivation of my life then I don't know what is.