Cheerio fat girl, hello real me!

I decided to start on Slim and Save a few weeks ago. I'd done Exante in the past and I actually did fairly well on it but it felt incredibly restrictive and I wasn't too happy on it. I retried it over a year ago and I'm not sure if I lasted 3 days. I actually thought I wouldn't try a VLCD again but I had tried a couple of the Slim and Save products and knew they were nice and this past year my weight has just shot up so fast, I felt out of control, that I just felt I need to get away from food for a bit.

Alongside that, I was on holiday not so long ago with some friends and most of them are fairly active which meant there were times when I was declining doing things with them because I knew I wasn't fit enough. One day we went down to a beach and it was such a steep hill going down there that I spent most of my time on the beach wondering if I'd actually make it back. On the way back up this hill I was huffing and puffing and having to stop to catch my breath and I felt really rather embarrassed by this. My friends had also hired wetsuits and boogie boards to go in the water and they suggested that I do too and I would have loved to have joined them but I don't even think you could get a wetsuit in my size, not that I'd want anyone to see me in one! My friends actually stopped asking me to go walks with them because they knew they were hilly, they didn't do it in a mean way or anything and I'm glad as I would have declined but seriously, I'm 31 years old - it should not be like this, nobody should be like this! I think it was the night I got home from the holiday that I ordered my Slim and Save products. I just don't want that to happen again.

I've had a weight problem my whole life and my whole life I've allowed it to stop me from doing things from worrying about how I'd look in front of others to knowing I was too heavy or too unfit to do a thing - I don't want this life anymore. I'd love to be lighter and active and energetic. I'd love to feel strong and capable of doing loads of outdoor and sporting activities. On top of that - I've had relationships before but a long term one finished almost a year ago and I've been single since then. I'm in my 30s and I'd like to meet a guy and settle down so I was on a dating website recently. Why was I on a dating site? Nobody ever approaches me when I'm out and I automatically assume most won't be interested because of my weight so I don't approach anyone either. I also don't know many people in my area so it's not like I'm being introduced to friends of friends either. So, anyway, I was on this dating website and I know I'm being overlooked because of my weight. The ones who did message me seemed to either have a fetish for fat girls or were utter creeps. I know a partner should like you for who you are and it's what's on the inside that counts but I'm sure it's how you look that creates the initial attraction. How many people do you read about who lost tonnes of weight and then they finally got a partner? They're in nearly every woman's magazine. In general, my weight gets me down every single day - you'd think this would be motivation enough to not overeat but it does the opposite. Instead, I comfort eat and rationalise it with thoughts along the lines of "well it's not like I matter anyway, so who cares if I eat this?". My self esteem is rock bottom and it's because I've let my weight tread on me until I was down there. I have a lot going for me - I have a good life, I'm smart, I worked hard at uni and should be proud of achievements I made there, I have a great job that lets me help others every day, I have good friends, I have a good relationship with my family, in general folk all seem to think I'm a nice person, I am fully independent...even I can see that all of this is good stuff but my low self esteem and depression caused by feelings of worthlessness due to my size makes all of that seem utterly pointless, it just wipes it out. It's time to do something because I can't go on like this.

So the plan is to get my weight down and hopefully once it's down a bit I'll be able to introduce the exercise. I do walk around a fair bit for work so that's enough at the moment but I'm going to introduce extra stuff. Once I feel more comfortable, I'll step it up a bit. That's the plan and I intend to stick to it this time because I'm sick of this life, I'm sick of me being like this and I need to change because this is not the life I want to be living at all.

It's almost the end of day 4 on Slim and Save for me and so far, so good. I haven't had a product I don't like yet and which is very good as on Exante it got to the point that I could only stomach the strawberry shakes. I'm going to mix the simplicity and lifestyle plans but so far it's been all simplicity. Also, because I'm over 17stone I'm going for 5 packs a day at the moment but to be honest, 4 does me ok as I'm usually having the 4th pack around 7/8pm which means I'm not bothered if I have a 5th as it's nearly bed time. I'm not bothered if I do want it but I'm not gonna have it if I don't really need it, so I'll see how I go with that. I use the full vegetable allowance - this week it's broccoli and cauliflower and those 2 vegetables have never tasted so good! You get a decent sized portion for 200g so I sometimes treat that as a meal itself or I mix it with a meal pack. I'm also using the milk allowance in tea and coffee or adding it to a shake. I don't mind skimmed milk in tea but every coffee I've made with it in hasn't been that great if I'm honest. I read that you can have 100ml semi skimmed instead so I might go with that the next time I'm at the shops.

I was a wee bit worried about coping at work but it's been fine. Today, and also on my 2nd day on the diet, I sat with my colleagues whilst they ate their lunches and there were biscuits and cakes freely available to anyone and I just sipped away on my tea. I live alone so it's easy to avoid temptation here - I just made sure my cupboards were bare before I started. On Friday I'm going to a friends night out for her birthday but I'm going to drive and stick to the sparkling water and I'm not planning on staying for too long anyway. I've also been to the cinema tonight (saw the lego movie, it was fab!) and I'm going to the cinema again tomorrow so I've found this is a good place to have my bar and not feel too much like I'm missing out on my usual ice cream. So yes, things seem to be going fairly well at the moment. I've barely been hungry at all; I get hungry at normal meal times but that's ok and I'm not thinking about food a great deal at all.

So, on the whole, it's pretty positive. Long may it continue and roll on the Sunday weigh in!!

(a bit longer than anticipated but it all just seemed to come out, if I'm ever feeling like quitting I need to reread this methinks)

Well its day 5 and I'm in work. I'm feeling fine again today. Thursdays and Fridays i work in my own wee office so these are 2 of the easiest days of the week for me to stick to plan as I only eat what I bring so there are no temptations. I'm off to the cinema again tonight so I'll have a bar then. I had a sneaky peak at the scales this morning and I was at 18 stone 3lbs which is down from 18 stone 9lbs on Sunday so that's pretty good going so far

You've got through the worst part, well done!

I totally relate to how you feel, doing the diet and taking care of you will really help.

Apart from a big difference in our ages all of what you said rang bells with me. Definitely been there on the dating front at both my heaviest and lightest and however we would like the world to be the pool certainly widens at a smaller size. I met my OH at a lower weight but I gained to my heaviest in the first couple of years - wonder if it was some kind of test. Fortunately he passed so I'm almost rid of that unnecessary weight and hoping not to see it again.

Also the wanting to be active. I went on a holiday to Rome and it was so hot and I just felt so miserable and should have been able to enjoy every minute. That was my aha moment.

The first time I did this I lived alone and it was certainly the way forward to clear the cupboards and you gain so much time without all the cooking and washing up. Sounds like you prepared really well and you sound very determined. As FF says the worst bit is over - although I had a bit of a mental wobble around the two week mark - but beyond that it was pretty much plain sailing - my diary probably recounts a few struggles but nothing major.

Good luck with it and keep us updated.

I did the same thing, Clin! Maintained a pretty steady weight for 3 years, met my boyfriend and went up to my biggest. Like you, I think there was an element of testing, but also because he's an emotional eater too and would often bring me edible presents! Just trying to be nice, but not helpful at all.

I increasingly think that the key to sticking to this is self esteem. It's so easy when you feel bad about yourself to just not care, and to both punish and comfort yourself with food at the same time.

I think it becomes super motivating when you start to feel like a person. I look forward to going out now (kind of) and I've got a new hair cut, new clothes and have semi permanent eyelashes. Basically I just seem to care about myself more. Caring about myself means I won't fall off the wagon and eat something bad, I want better for me and I feel like I can do it, I will do it, and I deserve to do it. It really doesn't take long for those feelings to kick in, either.

I think that's very true about needing self esteem to diet in the first place. Head has definitely got to be in the right place.

Well, today is day 6 and it's been totally fine so far. Tonight might be a little challenging as I'm off out with girls from work but I'm going to drive down to avoid any temptation to drink. I don't have any temptation to drink anyway, I'd hate to mess this up so soon as I'm feeling incredibly motivated and just keep picturing the numbers on the scales at a lower weight. I know I can do this The weekend shouldn't be too much of an issue as I'm on my own for most of it so no temptations. Plus I plan to do a fair bit of spring cleaning tomorrow so hopefully that will help toward a good first weigh in result on Sunday morning.

Well it's almost the end of day 7 and it's been another fine day on the diet. I have discovered a product I don't like and that's the bannoffee porridge - bleurgh, not nice at all. I think I read somewhere that someone makes it into biscuits? So if anyone can tell me how you do that, I might do that with the other ones I have. I'm really looking forward to tomorrows weigh in

I found this on the Slim and Save Facebook page, I assume it'll work for the banoffee ones too:

OATMEAL AND CINNAMON COOKIES


Desolve 2-3 tablet sweeteners in 4 teaspoons of sparkling water mix in the oatmeal pack and place on baking sheet in a pre heated oven for approx. 10 mins. Makes 4 small cookies or 1 large one.

Thanks for that FunnyFarm, I'll give that a go

Well, I had my first weigh in today and I'm down 13lbs!!!

I know every week won't be like this but I'm sooooo pleased!

Bring on week 2!!

That's absolutely fantastic. Well done and what a great start. Sounds like you have a really positive attitude. The way you talk about it convinces me you're going to do this.

Well done! Here's to many more losses :-D

Thanks ladies

Today is day 9 and I have a day off work. I had a hospital appointment this morning to get an internal scan done. I've had lots of problems with heavy periods over the past year and this scan was to check for fibroids and poly cystic ovaries. It seems they look fine which is a good thing but still doesn't really explain the heavy periods. I think the periods are probably due to my weight, so I'm hoping things will calm down eventually with further weight loss.
I must say though, I ended up getting stuck in traffic on my way there which meant I had to pick up the pace a bit once I'd finally parked and made my way to the appointment and wow did I feel weak!! My muscles...they weren't sore, as such, but felt sort of stretched, if that makes sense? As if I was nearing the end of a several mile walk instead of the start of a moderately paced walk. My body and limbs felt awfully heavy too (which they are but more so than usual). I'm also feeling like my temperatures are a bit all over the place. I'm getting hot an awful lot which seems strange as most people I've read about who mention temperature are talking about being too cold! These things aren't worrying me too much but I am a little worried about how I'd cope if required to do anything overly strenuous at work, it's unlikely but it sometimes happens.

Yesterday I ate some proper food! I decided to have my first lifestyle day and was thinking along the lines that it is something I might do every Sunday but I'm not too sure if I want to now. I had cooked a 100g of chicken breast in foil in the oven with a spray of frylight, some herbs and mushrooms from my vegetable allowance. I ate it and oh my, chicken has never tasted so good! However, I found it incredibly difficult to not want to eat something else and most of yesterday I was hungry. I don't know if this would have kicked me out of ketosis or what but I really can't say I enjoyed that feeling at all. I managed not to eat again but I think I'm probably better just sticking with the simplicity plan. Perhaps that's another reason why I'm feeling so weak today. Ah well, you live and learn, other than feeling a bit weaker I'm not hungry today so that's good.

When I ordered my packs I ordered a months worth but after getting to try most things out I'm beginning to think about what I'll get next time. With the bars - I really like the praline one and the milk chocolate truffa bar was ok but I'm not too keen on the rest. It's not that they are bad but it's just that they aren't that good either. There's a couple of flavours I didn't get, like the; lemon, yoghurt, vanilla and almond and coconut bars, so I'll be trying those in my next order. I've still not tried many of the soups yet, I've had the curry chicken noodle which I quite enjoyed but I've been hesitant over trying the others. When I did Exante I found the soups and bars to be the worst so I seem to be approaching them with trepidation this time on Slim and Save. For all I know, they might be lovely! I think today I will try another soup and see how it goes, maybe the Thai one. Another thing is, I have a sweet tooth so it's pretty rare that the savoury things really entice me. I really liked the chilli, the spicy spaghetti and the bolognaise but can't say too much for cheesy pasta or mushroom pasta. I have the cottage pie too which I will be having tonight along with some swede. I know I don't like the porridge so that puts me off trying the oatmeal but I'll give it a go. I enjoy all of the shakes aside from the Cafe Latte one. So there's things I don't like but there's still an awful lot there that I have liked and it's much, much more varied than Exante ever was. I like having edible bars for one thing as the Exante ones, just the smell of them made me retch and I think it makes such a difference being able to chew something in a day.

Something I was thinking about last night is that I don't feel all that restricted at all. There's a girl in work who is calorie counting and I was sitting with her at lunch the other day whilst she was eating this tiny portion of a home prepared fruit salad and she wasn't enjoying this for lunch at all. This girl usually gets a massive deli roll made up for her every day alongside a cup of soup and a cake. So, it looked like, with every bite that she was thinking "this is for the diet!". She told me she's miserable and hungry and obsessed with food and always thinking about the next meal. She was going on about how she doesn't know how I can cope on my diet and I was telling her I'm not thinking about food and I'm not hungry and she didn't believe me. To be honest, I remember feeling like that on a diet, always being obsessed with food and I think this is much better. Another reason I like a VLCD is that my motivation only lasts for so long and it's good to lose weight quickly in that time frame. My problem has been that I don't make an attempt at maintaining once I do lose the weight so this is the challenge this time round and one that I intend to focus upon. Last year I went to Slimming World. Now, SW is fairly slow weight loss - you can eat loads on the diet and you do lose, and can lose quite steadily too. I think it's an ok diet and certainly one that promotes healthy eating. However, between the 15th of April and sometime around the end of August I went from 18stone 13lbs down to 17stone 3lbs - that took 4 months and I went down 1 clothes size but otherwise didn't feel all that different. I then lost my motivation and I kept going but pretty much played with the same few pounds every week until December when I just stopped going. I went back in January, once, but couldn't get my head in gear for the diet and decided not to go back. After that, it's almost like something felt like it had been unleashed and I went on an eating spree. I just couldn't cram enough food in my mouth - I was craving chocolate constantly and was having several bars a day. I was buying a share size bag of Revels and eating them throughout the day at work, then I'd leave work, pop to the shop and buy more rubbish to eat on top of whatever I was making for dinner. I was utterly out of control. In the final weeks of that I stopped even making dinner and was regularly getting takeaways. I went through a fairly disgusting amount of food. My clothes were also getting too small for me. It's when you find yourself in Evans trying on clothes and you've went from trying on 22/24s to 26s then I noticed I was eyeing up the size 28s! I'm an apple shape so my bottom half has never been too bad, I've never been bigger than a size 20 and all my work trousers were getting too tight and I was considering the 22s. That, alongside my holiday which I mentioned about where I felt horribly unfit, was the final straw! So yes, if I can even maintain my motivation for a few months then it will really pay off and I think I will be able to do it. The hardest part will be maintaining it but I feel like I'm ready to do that this time, I feel like I've been to rock bottom and now the only way I can go is back up or bust.

I think the results are very motivating, so hopefully that will keep you focused. It's also a good time to assess your relationship with food. You obviously weren't making those bad choices out of hunger, so there was something else going on. If you eat to avoid feelings, on this diet there's no hiding and you tend to feel things very intensely. It can help you to really understand yourself.

Emotional hunger and compulsive eating isn't something that fixes itself, but a break from food is the perfect time to take steps to fix it.

You seem intelligent and determined, I'm very sure you'll crack it

FunnyFarm said:

I think the results are very motivating, so hopefully that will keep you focused. It's also a good time to assess your relationship with food. You obviously weren't making those bad choices out of hunger, so there was something else going on. If you eat to avoid feelings, on this diet there's no hiding and you tend to feel things very intensely. It can help you to really understand yourself.

Emotional hunger and compulsive eating isn't something that fixes itself, but a break from food is the perfect time to take steps to fix it.

You seem intelligent and determined, I'm very sure you'll crack it

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I agree. Be kind to yourself as you were doing the best thing that you can. I have really found the course on Compassion that I am doing incredibly helpful. It's based on this book
I always knew that I didn't need to eat to deal with anxiety or emotions or a hard day or putting things off (yes the list is longer than that) but I really didn't know what else to do when it felt so compelling and painful to just sit with it. Some of the exercises and mindfulness we have done on the course have really helped. Even learning that a hot drink can be really comforting by itself has helped me - I make tea in my thermal mug for the way home and it stops that dive for the fridge when you get in. You may be right not to add in food. I'm very much all or nothing and have the best success on Simplicity. It was certainly the way to get the bulk of the weight off quickly but now I am more prepared to go a bit more slowly, I have added a couple of meals a week in and been prepared for a bit more hunger or wanting to eat more. It has helped the all or nothing thinking a bit.

Being as curious and thoughtful as you are will get you a long way. Have a great week :character00238:

well done so far , youll be heading into the comfortable zone before you know it xx

Day 11 is complete and I'm now in the very early hours of day 12 It's all good on the hunger front but I do seem to be rather tired. Today I came home from work and at around 5.30pm I went for a nap, I set an alarm and I could not tell you if it went off or not as I didn't wake until 11pm!! So now I'm rather awake at nearly 2am and got to be in work for 9 tomorrow I'm hoping it's just a blip but we'll see.

Something odd I noticed today - you know when you get indentations on your skin, say if you've been sitting on your hands or your arm has been against a pattern or whatever? Well today I was in an all day team meeting which meant lots of sitting and listening and I noticed that when I got these marks on my arms - they were taking absolute aaaages to go away - I'm talking hours and that's unusual for me, they usually vanish pretty quickly. I just googled it and it seems that it means you are dehydrated, so it sounds like I need to up the water intake! That's not too hard, I'm fairly partial to a glass of water lol and I particularly like sparkling water; I have several bottles in the fridge, just need to keep drinking them. Is it strange that I like to pour it into a wine glass? It just seems to taste nicer haha.

Anyway, at our team meeting thingy today I did rather well. In the middle of all of the tables in the room there were little cadbury treat size sweets like buttons and crunchies and fudges + celebrations + jelly babies and I wasn't tempted by those at all. Not only that but in the break out area they had my favourite biscuits and I barely looked at them, I just had a coffee and then peppermint teas. At lunch time they put on a cold buffet and my work tend to get in some really nice things - I could see some good looking wraps and cupcakes and muffins and loads of nice fruit but I didn't bother. My friend, suggested we wander up to the shops for a wee bit as she had to buy a new bra from Debenhams and she knew I probably wouldn't want to be around the buffet eaters. After the shop we sat on a wall in the sun and she ate her sandwich and I made up my shake quickly and it was over and done with then we headed back to the office where everyone had finished their lunch, no problem One thing I noticed at the end of the day was that everyone was complaining that they'd eaten too much thanks to all of their munching on sweets and biscuits and overeating at the lunch and today showed me that you can go to a thing like that and not overeat. It's about either being prepared with your own stuff or limiting yourself. I think not getting a taste for the sweets in the first place is probably what would suit me better. Just something to think about for when I eventually go back to food and hopefully maintaining a new slimmer me.

I must say, when I was in the Debenhams lingerie department, I don't think they had a bra in there that would even fit me. I was having a look over at the nightwear too and most of the things on the hanger only went up to a 16. I really can't wait until the day when normal ranges start fitting me. I hate going shopping with a friend and the only thing that will interest me is if they sell bags or jewellery. A lot of my friends are big Top Shop fans - do you know that I have never purchased a single item from Top Shop? Since my friends started going there in my teens, I have never fit in any of their stuff. I used to like River Island when I was a size 16, for a brief period, and would like to be able to go back there. I have no idea, are these shops aimed at younger folk? I might even be too old for them now, I'm 31, I have no idea. Being my weight, I tend to avoid fashion and go with a) does it fit? and b) do I actually like it? if both answers are yes then I get it. I like a lot of the clothes in Wallis, Next, H&M, M&S Per Una, and I adore some of the stuff in Monsoon. There are clothing brands that I'm not even aware of because if they don't do a fat girl range then I've just never looked at them, I've never been in an Oasis for example. In the whole of Dundee my clothing choices seem to be: New Look - hardly ever find anything I like beyond basics, M&S - limited, more for bottoms than tops, Asda - ugh, never found anything I like in there, Bon Marche - full of grannies but found the odd thing I've liked, Debenhams - but for bottoms, never found a top that fits me in there as it's quite a wee Debenhams. They closed down Evans at the start of the month and most of their things didn't seem worth the price anyway but I still got most of my clothes from them. So I do a lot of online shopping which can be an utter faff. So yes, fitting into smaller clothing ranges, this is motivation for me, big time.

Today I had the cafe latte shake hot, a hazlenut shake at lunch, the almond bar in the afternoon and a banana shake in the evening. The banana shake was supposed to be the Thai soup but I made it up and tasted it and it got poured down the sink. Oh man, that stuff was foul! So, that's another one I won't buy again. I didn't have a 5th pack today and no vegetables...probably mainly because I was sleeping! If I don't feel I need them then what's the point? Or maybe a hot chocolate shake might be a nice thing to have before I attempt sleep again, tis tempting.

You are doing really well. The tiredness thing is tough at the beginning. I had one or two really early nights and slept through and others where I just couldn't sleep but that does really settle down.

As for the skin indentations. I found I got really wrinkly skin and also the big indentations from socks and boots at the beginning. I think it doesn't help that we are losing big chunks of fat under the skin. Once it shrinks back and the water really really helps you'll be back to normal.

What a great friend taking you out of the danger zone. Clothes shopping at size 16 or less is a complete joy. As good as anyone can imagine. However, I don't think I ever fitted in Top Shop stuff even at my thinnest. Maybe an odd skirt but I never quite managed to squeeze my bosoms into 16 tops and dresses from there, even when 12s from other places fitted. I am 50 next month so I ought to know better than try to shop in Top Shop but I'm not ready to give up yet. I've found that some shops that looked really appealing when I couldn't fit in them look a bit mumsy now that I have more choice and I have found that shops I thought would always be too small like Zara have had some really nice things in. Also All Saints has lovely - if expensive - stuff. I nearly cried when I went in there and the fat girl alarm didn't go off. I put money away that I don't spend on coffees, lunches, takeaway and wine and I am going to have such a spending spree. It soon mounts up if you can afford it. Sorry for going on a bit but it's such a big motivator for me, too, and I wanted you to know it is as good as you think it's going to be

I don't usually have anything between my morning shake and lunchtime but my praline bar was calling me there during the morning break. I really like them but I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. Have eaten half and will try keeping the rest for the afternoon. A lesson in self control I suppose.

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Day 12 is done and dusted Another good day for the diet. I've been a wee bit concerned as I've had a look at the scales most days and they haven't budged at all. I know that the first week is water weight and maybe it takes some time for the body to catch up but I would like to see at least a little loss by Sunday. In saying that, I won't be here on Sunday as I'm going to my mums in Glasgow on Saturday which means I should probably weigh on Saturday or Monday instead as my mums scales show me up a few pounds lighter and I'd rather go by my own.
Today, I did it again, I slept for hours after work which means I'm not too tired again this evening. I'll need to get my sleeping pattern sorted out over the weekend.
Tomorrow night I'm meeting with girls from work to go to the pub and then the Bingo. I've never been to the bingo in my life so this will be an experience lol. They are going for food beforehand which I wanted to avoid so my pal is going to text me just as their food appears and I'll take that as my cue to leave and by the time I get there they'll be finished. Gives me a wee bit longer to get ready as I work in a different area from them and have to get home, dump my stuff and I'll probably want to change out of my work clothes.
On Saturday I'm visiting my parents, who live outside Glasgow. I'm going down for Mothers Day and I'll get to see my wee granny too The hardest parts there are going to be: we tend to take my granny shopping and that always involves going for tea and cake so it'll be just the tea for me please this time. I'm also going to be in a house where there's food smells for nearly 2 full days but I'm sure I'll manage it and my mum has promised to not cook anything that smells too interesting lol. She's also getting me in some coke zero and some of my approved veg I think it'll be ok at the weekend. I'm also likely to be walking around a little more than I do during the week from going shopping and walking my dog (she lives in my parents house) so hopefully that will aid some weight loss too.

I'm on day 14 today and it's all good Last night my friends and I went to the bingo for the first time in my life and it was actually kind of fun, very fast haha. I managed to survive them drinking wine and just had a mug of tea. Today I'm going home to my mum and dads house so I'm hoping I won't be too tempted there, I'm also meeting a friend tonight for a coffee. I hadn't told her about the diet yet and she was wanting to go out for Tapas, she seemed ok with it so that's good. Sunday is Mother's Day and I don't think that will be much of an issue, my mum is on a diet so it's not like anyone will be buying her chocolates to be around the house. I'm then seeing another pal for another coffee and then driving back to Dundee. So methinks I'll manage this weekend easy enough. I'm going to do my weigh in on Monday seeing as I won't have my scales tomorrow. I did have a sneaky peak this morning and so far, I've lost 1lb this week which is rather disappointing but at the same time, that's 1 stone in 2 weeks and I can't complain about that. I know the 2nd week isn't usually the best if you've had a big weight loss the previous week. I'll see what it says when I do my proper weigh on Monday.