charlottegrace1

Oh so true cocktail, strange doesn't come close I think a miracle would have happened lol. But after a suggestion on another post, I have now put a crisis box together for the next time I go off the rails. I have put in it some goodies to the value of 20 odd syns and it is sitting in the cupboard. Things like quavers, small chocolate, mug shot, and a cake with a shelf life which will out live me lol. The plan being that I can just grab the box if need be and eat it, but the damage will be limited rather than just grabbing anything from the cupboards/fridge and then finding I have eaten 100syns and feeling devastated. I know its not really the right thing to do, but I feel that at least I am facing up to the fact I know I will do it again and am trying to plan for it. Hopefully it will sit there for several weeks now. It's my safety net.

Kirstin, I must fess, I actually feel better just being able to post about the way I eat. Maybe for years I have just been in denial telling myself that I have a weight problem cos I eat too much (true of course) but there it ended. I have not taken on board the reasons why. I think anybody can loose weight, just cut back, but if the underlying problems are not addressed, then maybe that's where the yo yo dieting kicks in. I am feeling very good about addressing my habit, just admitting it is half the battle, and I don't know about you guys, but I don't feel under nearly as much pressure anymore, this whole process has now taken on a different slant, for the better.
Today has been very good again, no snacking between meals and I don't think I have thought about food so much today either despite going shopping. Tomorrow will be a little testing as I have loads of appointments, Dr, dentist, opticians and a council meeting in the evening (talk about all come at once), but of course its going to put me under pressure and out of routine, and I don't fare well outside routine at all. Going to get done tonight what I can Ir stew cooking and sandwiches for tomorrow done, which I always say I am going to do at times like this but somehow never get round to it lol. But tonight is different, I will do it and reap the benefit tomorrow. I know these things sound very trivial but for me its a big step, and yet in every other way I am so organised etc I run my house like a military operation but only so everyone else's life runs smoothly, I think I have forgotten about me in the past! Now there's a light just come on!!!!!!

__________________

2010 progress lost 20.2lb

1st goal loose 5lb done 09/01/10
2nd goal loose 10lb done 13/02/10
3rd goal loose 14lb done
4th goal loose 21 lbs (0.8lb needed)
4th goal to have less than 100lb to loose done
5th goal to achieve club 10 (26lbs in totoal needed) 5.8lb needed
6th goal to have less than 90lb to loose

January loss 6lb February loss 8.5lb March Gain 0.7lb April 5lbs May

Total to loose 114.4lb - total left 94.2lb

kristin1

You're so right, just typing it out here and addressing it really helps! There's times when you need more than just to hear "count the syns and get back on the wagon", and this is why we're all here in this together.

I notice you saying you don't fare well outside of normal routine, and I get the impression you're quite a perfectionist.

Not sure how, but these characteristics seem to have some sort of influence on the whole eating/addictive issue, because I am quite similar!

In the moment - routine gets changed, you feel out of your depth, seek comfort in familiar stuff = food. Then you feel bad and think since you've failed so completely you might just as well stuff in some more.

Over time - expecting yourself to be perfect in this weightloss thing, so if you lose, great, but if you don't, you need to punish yourself (by eating, of course.... go figure....).

I've got a feeling there's some insecurity issues involved in all this as well, and certainly the whole "stuffing emotions down with food" - wanting to be perfect for everybody and not letting them know you're having a problem/bad day/bad mood, so food's the solution. Routine then kicks in too, in a bad way!

These are just things that have come up in my mind, not saying they all apply to you but I know I'm discovering there's a lot under the surface.....

Take care, be well, well done on being brilliantly on track again too!!!

__________________
kristin

charlottegrace1

Thanks for this kirstin, I had no idea I was so transparant but it has made me think about things again.

Love and hugs Carolyne xxx

__________________

2010 progress lost 20.2lb

1st goal loose 5lb done 09/01/10
2nd goal loose 10lb done 13/02/10
3rd goal loose 14lb done
4th goal loose 21 lbs (0.8lb needed)
4th goal to have less than 100lb to loose done
5th goal to achieve club 10 (26lbs in totoal needed) 5.8lb needed
6th goal to have less than 90lb to loose

January loss 6lb February loss 8.5lb March Gain 0.7lb April 5lbs May

Total to loose 114.4lb - total left 94.2lb

strawberryblonde

Gosh guys I need to spend some time tommorrow sitting and thinking about this. I have saved the articles to read but I already know that I am an emotional eater and have felt that i was addictlike for many yrs. So here goes....... hello my name is caro and i am a food addict!
but am also tired so i will say goodnight and godbless.
caro

__________________

[




strawberryblonde

cocktailprincess

WElcome Caro!

Well Kristen and charlottegrace- seems there is a definite pattern here as I am absolutely a perfectionist too! I know in my family I am seen as the referee of all arguments, the mediator of all problems and the perfect domestic goddess. I do tend to spend most of my time on the phone solving problems, but get very frustrated as people never ever take the time to ask about me or my life- i have always put this down to appearing on the surface that my life is so 'perfect' why would I ever have any problems? Underneath this exterior is a mass of paranoia and stress that can lie awake at night worrying about the most insignificant think if it appears to be a potential problem.

Maybe there is a connection here? If we all are admitted food addicts and then apparently self-confessed perfectionists, it can't just be a coincidence! Is this our silent, behind closed doors oulet for our tension?

I am at my worse binge-wise when I am on my own- I almost get excited that no-one is there to see so I can really let go- sound familiar?
x

__________________

charlottegrace1

This is uncanny, I read your post cocktail and it could have been written by me.
I know exactly what you mean about nobody asking about you, why should they, our lives are so perfect nothing could possibly be wrong! As you say, we are domestic goddesses, solver of all problems, perfection personified! My goodness, what a cross to carry through life. I have to have plan A right through to at least S or T in place for everything and even then I worry, stress, chew it over in my mind that something will go wrong and cause a problem. I know its totally irrational but to me its like its a necessity, I have been stressed and paranoid for as long as I can remember so its normal in my world, just wrong in everyone else's. The binging when alone is another similarity. I can only do it when alone because for one thing, to do it in front of anyone else would ruin the perfectionist image wouldn't it and how would I deal with that? I know I am not perfect (far from it) but something inside me just will not let anyone else around me know it. Anything that goes wrong in my life I always feel is my fault and I should have seen it coming and planned for it, doesn't matter what it is, and I feel a failure, upset, angry when it happens and then need the comfort of food to make me feel better so binge out, feel a failure, upset, angry etc and so the circle goes on. Why do we feel the need to hide our weaknesses from our nearest and dearest, it wouldn't make us any less human would it, maybe even more human if anything. Am I fueling some inner ego trip by being the way I am, would being less perfect outwardly be sooo devastating to me? Right now it scares me to think about me being any different to what I know, fear of the unknown and all that, and what if I don't like what I find or worse, what if I do like it. How hard is it to leave the only you you know behind and become someone else. I hide behind the comfort of my life, I hide behind my size, I hide behind the jolly exterior I portray, I hide behind the perfectionist I try to be. I just hide and hope nobody notices that I am falling apart and hurting inside, turning to food as my lover, friend, soul mate. It never questions, argues, passes judgment. It just does what I need it to do, whenever I need it to, comforts.

This has actually made me very tearful posting this, I think its a good thing, its got to come out and be said hasn't it if I am going to make headway and work through my problems. I need to think about so much and open up more, I am very very good at holding everything in, again, it would be a sign of weakness on my part to talk about problems to family etc. but at least on this thread talking to like minded people about it, there is the understanding and support. I will get there, not soon, but one day. I'm off for a coffee now, not a munch mission which is what I would normally do, but I understand how I feel right now and I feel I can deal with this moment sensibly.

Thanks for listening xx

__________________

2010 progress lost 20.2lb

1st goal loose 5lb done 09/01/10
2nd goal loose 10lb done 13/02/10
3rd goal loose 14lb done
4th goal loose 21 lbs (0.8lb needed)
4th goal to have less than 100lb to loose done
5th goal to achieve club 10 (26lbs in totoal needed) 5.8lb needed
6th goal to have less than 90lb to loose

January loss 6lb February loss 8.5lb March Gain 0.7lb April 5lbs May

Total to loose 114.4lb - total left 94.2lb

charlottegrace1

Hi Caro, it is a lot to take in isn't it, but we are all here trying to work our way through things and come out the other end in tact lol. Look forward to reading your posts and hope to offer support to you on your journey. Lovely to have you on here.

__________________

2010 progress lost 20.2lb

1st goal loose 5lb done 09/01/10
2nd goal loose 10lb done 13/02/10
3rd goal loose 14lb done
4th goal loose 21 lbs (0.8lb needed)
4th goal to have less than 100lb to loose done
5th goal to achieve club 10 (26lbs in totoal needed) 5.8lb needed
6th goal to have less than 90lb to loose

January loss 6lb February loss 8.5lb March Gain 0.7lb April 5lbs May

Total to loose 114.4lb - total left 94.2lb

kristin1

Welcome, Caro, to the very emotional "club" here! :-)

So much you've all said just on this page resonates so strongly. We all agree there's a similarity in Control Freak/Perfectionist/Routine Addict. And of course I binge in private, of course I'm used to "dealing" with things on my own without "burdening" anyone else with it, of course everything needs to be exactly how I like it and how I do it.

I've been told by various people to give myself some slack, take it a bit easy, and asked why I feel the need to do it all myself.

Because if I don't, then who am I?

I may be happier, lighter, different. How scary is that?!?!?!

Also, how is it that with all that perfection/control/routine, we still lose it COMPLETELY when it comes to food? And I mean completely, I don't know what excuses you use, mine are usually "oh, it's been a long hard day", "oh, it's only today", "oh, I've done and ruined it now so might as well go on eating", "oh, I deserve a bit of a treat", "oh, maybe hubby might like some cake and wine tonight to share", etc. But at the end of the day the ARE all excuses, disguising the uncontrollable, inner craving that is actually physically overwhelming.

And yes, I am hiding, too, behind all this, of course, but really what's the worst that could happen?! What am I so afraid of?!

Answers on a postcard please.... ;-)

I want to just forget about it, lose weight and be a balanced person, "normal"! And I've got a feeling it's not going to work quite like that........

I obviously feel more comfortable being unhappy. That's quite sad, really!

Thought for the day: We have a right to be happy! We deserve it!

Hugs all round,

__________________
kristin

kristin1

Ah yes, and low self-esteem coupled with immensely high standards demanded from myself. And constant comparisons with others (inevitably ones where I come off worse!). Sigh. It's that time of day, too.... Bit tired, bit weary, want WANT WANT stuff!!!

__________________
kristin

cocktailprincess

Wow- I feel so emotional after reading both of your posts- so much resonates with me. Isn't it strange that we can open up like this to toal strangers but not to the people we are closest too (probably another symptom of our 'issues'- not showing a weakness)

I stress constantly about everything, even things that haven't yet happened but might in the future- I even go through imaginary incidents that may happen in the future and stress about the outcome of these incidents and how I will deal with them.

This has to stop- maybe the food problem is a symtom of the stress and when the stressing is tackled I will feel less need to use food as my medication.

Ok, so today I am going to order from Amazon a book called 'Don't sweat the small stuff' which a friend recommended ages ago- apparently it is about trying to stop focussing on all the problems and concentrate more on the things that are going right in your life- my friend is really chilled and always uses as a mantra for a stressful situation "will you care about this in a year?" or "What's the worst that could happen if you DON'T do this?" ( if I answer "but so and so might get offended, it might get done wrong, they may feel let down" she always shrugs and says "so what?")

I am not saying I am ever going to be this chilled- at the end of the day a lot of how I act is part of what makes me who I am, but I would certainly like to tone it down and stop it causing me harm, so I am going to give this book a go as step 2

Have a good day ladies- I feel privileged to have met 2 such intelligent, insightful, self aware, control freakishly metal people! lol

xxxx

__________________

charlottegrace1

I am thanking God that I have met you guys and can open up on here, I think another couple of years of carrying on like this and I would be beyond help. It's good to have like minded people who understand, don't judge, and can support each other through this. As you say, opening up to our nearest and dearest would be a sign of weakness on our part and that is not in the plan of action, yet anyway, and I know it won't be for a long time yet for me. I have got to be comfortable with myself to let my guard down even a little bit.

Thats me, stressing about things that haven't even happened yet (and probably even won't), I go to bed and think to myself, thank goodness, I got through today without a catasrophy happening but its only cos I covered every eventuality that the days gone right. Its all down to me that the world hasn't ended, what a burden to have everyday.

Kirstin "I obviously feel more comfortable being unhappy. That's quite sad, really!"

Hadn't thought about this before, but yes I agree with what you say, I think I am more comfortable being unhappy and stressed, its what I know, and all the excuses you listed for eating ring true too, so am I really looking for excuses to stay unhappy and stressed to stay comfortable. Maybe!

So, we have quite a lot to be going on here ladies don't you think? What we need now is a plan to take a first little step today on doing something we would never do, just something that would normaly bother us, and see if we can deal with it, and what the consequences are. What do you think?

I would normaly bleach and scrub my kitchen work tops everytime I use them during the day, even after just making a coffee, but today I am going to try and just wipe them down with a cloth and not imagine the millions of bacteria crawling all over my kitchen. (see I'm imagining it already) Nobody in our house is going to get food poisoning, nobody will die, the world won't end. It is a perfectly clean work top like anybody elses. I do not need to be obsessed with things like this, its irrational. I can feel myself fighting this already and I haven't even left the computer lol, but I am going to try to fight the urge. It's time to learn to relax and let go, heres to day 1 and the very small things.

Hugs to you all and have a good day.

__________________

2010 progress lost 20.2lb

1st goal loose 5lb done 09/01/10
2nd goal loose 10lb done 13/02/10
3rd goal loose 14lb done
4th goal loose 21 lbs (0.8lb needed)
4th goal to have less than 100lb to loose done
5th goal to achieve club 10 (26lbs in totoal needed) 5.8lb needed
6th goal to have less than 90lb to loose

January loss 6lb February loss 8.5lb March Gain 0.7lb April 5lbs May

Total to loose 114.4lb - total left 94.2lb

cocktailprincess

Good plan mate- I'm with you all the way

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

__________________

kristin1

You go CG!!! Behind you 100%. :-) Stupidly got a bit teary actually while reading, such a relief letting all this out obviously!

It's just that this level of stress and control has become normal for us, when we take the pressure off a bit I bet we'll be amazed at how much easier it CAN be.

I do the "what if" fretting as well, but also hold on too much to the past, and have a great memory for every bad thing/word/event that's ever happened and hardly remember all the good stuff. Like the one small error in an otherwise great day, that's what I'll hang onto and remember.

That's something I'm aware of now though, and really trying to change!

__________________
kristin

charlottegrace1

Kirstin, I do that as well hold on to the bad memories as if they were the only ones I had, what concrete blocks we lug about with us, aren't we the ones eh?
Anyway, on a positive note, just gone lunch time and made myself lunch and have not scrubbed the pattern off the work top, just wiped! Didn't feel right at all, but I've stuck with it not sanitised the place. Tick in box 1 for me.
On a second totally unplanned behavioural matter, I have had a bit on the carpet all morning, and have not picked it up yet. Just keep walking past it, looking at it and telling myself I will not pick it up, it will stay there till I hoover tomorrow, it doesn't matter. I know its there but its only a bit of fluff, I can deal with it and not let it get to me.

Do you know what, I think I have got OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) Do you guys find you have to do things by a certain time in your routine and the day has to pan out in exactly the same format everyday almost to the minute. I do. I even have lulls (and this is really sad) in the day which are planned lulls for the unexpected! That's how bad I am, the unexpected has to happen in the allotted time slot in order to be dealt with! If it doesn't then stress is out of control and the fridge is the only solution.

My dad is coming down this afternoon at 4.00pm, and I am already clock watching and fretting about him turning up either early or late. He said 4 so its got to be 4 on the nose. What the heck does it matter, it is lovely to see him what ever time, but I can feel the knots in my stomach already over this. I'm going to have a coffee now and think about why I am worked up.

On another good note, I have not had anything I shouldn't today, no snacking etc, but I have had bigger portions than I would normally today. I wonder if its because thinking about these issues is driving me to food, but my good angel is keeping me in check. I don't know, but so far today is a great day on the food front and the cleaning front. Just got to get passed the 4 o'clock thing now lol.

Thanks cocktail for the encouragement

love and hugs, hope your day is going good too.

__________________

2010 progress lost 20.2lb

1st goal loose 5lb done 09/01/10
2nd goal loose 10lb done 13/02/10
3rd goal loose 14lb done
4th goal loose 21 lbs (0.8lb needed)
4th goal to have less than 100lb to loose done
5th goal to achieve club 10 (26lbs in totoal needed) 5.8lb needed
6th goal to have less than 90lb to loose

January loss 6lb February loss 8.5lb March Gain 0.7lb April 5lbs May

Total to loose 114.4lb - total left 94.2lb

strawberryblonde

Hey guys..... OMG just logged on very quickly before hitting xmas shopping.....sorry but its true its only just over a mth away.
There is such a lot to catch up on here. I really need to give myself a couple of hrs to read thro things. So far I can identify with perfectionist slant and referree/ wanting to make things right for everyone. I also know that I tend to want everything perfect but if I fail I cant stand it so sometimes i wont try.... does that sound familiar at all???
I think that has been the case with relationships, weight loss to a certain extent and also acheiving my best at work. I am successful at what i do but i could do much more, I know I could but am frightened of failing and of succeeding??? Boy What a mess !
Having said that I feel the best I have felt in a long time with more confidence and finally talking to my GP for help with this and other probs. Do any of you guys suffer from depression as well??

Well will catch up later. As I need to do hair and makeup before my cousin arrives in five.

Take care everyone and i hope you are not affected by the floods.
Caro

__________________

[




strawberryblonde