Thread: Feeling lost and hurt

Hi guys! Not really sure why I'm posting this here. Think I just need to offload a bit. Yesterday I found my fiancé of 4 years has been sending indecent messages to about 6 different women. Im shocked and hurt and just don't know what to do. He says these women are from the past and he's not met up with any of them although arrangements were made with one of them. He even told one he loved them. I basically didn't exist to these women and he was single.
We had a baby boy 5 months ago so I don't feel like I can leave. I grew up without my parents together (my dad left my mum for another woman) and don't want that for my boy. I can't tell my friends or family what has gone on as I'm embarrassed and sickened by it plus it would create ill feeling. Like I said not sure why I've posted here, I suppose it's a bit of sympathy I'm after! Xx

I really don't know what to say, but I really didn't want to read and run I'm so sorry to hear this.

I know you say you don't feel like you can leave him, but do you really feel like you could stay with him? It's 6 women that you know of and although he says he hasn't met any of them can you trust that? Also even if he hasn't met them yet, how long until he takes that step? sorry I understand this probably sounds really harsh, but I've had experience with people like this and they don't get any better. You deserve better and your son deserves better. I know its not nice growing up with parents split up, but surely that's a better option then growing up with a miserable mum who is being mistreated by your dad.

My son is 4 years old, I split up with his dad because he was emotionally abusive and I worried it would get physical when my son was 2 months old. I have to say it was the best thing I could have done for both me and my son, I'm happy, a year after we split up I met an amazing bloke (I wasn't interested in meeting anyone else as I was concentrating on little one but it happened) and my son has such a great bond with him and his dad. I honestly believe my son wouldn't be as happy as he is now if I'd stayed in that relationship as I wouldn't have been happy and little ones pick up on that.

If you really want to stay with him, then go for it, but personally I think it's inevitable that you will split up as I can't see this stopping and you will have enough eventually. I just don't think how your feeling now will get any better if you stay with this man.

Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way though, I can't imagine how your feeling right now, I know it must be very hard and I'm really sorry if my post sounds harsh but I couldn't honestly tell you that staying with him is the right thing for you.

First of all big big hugs How awful that someone you thought you could trust would do something like this!

I'm not really sure what I can say to help, but one thing I would say is that keeping a relationship together for the sake of a child can often do more damage than it can good. If you stay together, how are things going to be? Will you be able to trust him? Will there be tension and arguments? Your child will pick up on all of this.

Have a long hard think about it. Even without the child in the equation, you deserve better than a sleazy scumbag like that.

Thanks for the replies. He deleted all the numbers from his phone yesterday and says he's going to change his phone number. He's also removed the lock off his phone. He says he does it because it's something wrong with him, like a self destruct. He is going to see a councillor for it today at work. I can't trust him and I've told him this but he wants to try and make it work and has said it won't happen again and he's glad I found the messages so we can do something about it. I'm just feeling very confused.

Originally Posted by sareypoop

Thanks for the replies. He deleted all the numbers from his phone yesterday and says he's going to change his phone number. He's also removed the lock off his phone. He says he does it because it's something wrong with him, like a self destruct. He is going to see a councillor for it today at work. I can't trust him and I've told him this but he wants to try and make it work and has said it won't happen again and he's glad I found the messages so we can do something about it. I'm just feeling very confused.

I have very strong views on this to be honest, I know someone who was with a bloke who was cheating and every time she found evidence his response was to delete the message and number... as if deleting the evidence stopped it from happening.

However, you do have a lot invested in him and if he is willing to go and see someone for help, then maybe the right thing for you to do would be to give him another chance. See how he gets on ect. but my advice would be if anything happens again then get rid. At least then you'll know you did everything you could to make it work.

Thanks Donna. I've said if I find anything again, no matter how small I'm off.

Oh my word - how utterly horrible for you ! i'm replying because i just read this, and the great advice you've already had, but just wanted to send love and hugs your way! I think you're right - it "appears" that he's willing to try to sort things out by getting some counselling - make sure he does and keeps his promise. If he's willing to make that step, then perhaps give him another chance - you clearly love him very much otherwise you wouldn't be wanting advice on how to cope. But, as above, anything else done wrong, that's it - no more chances! And he must be clear on this, and you must be strong on this. Don't back down and be a doormat - you tell him one more chance - no more after that. Make sure he realises just how close he came to losing you and your son though - so that he actually understands what he's risking by his behaviour - tell him that you planned to leave, were going to go to stay with mum/dad/aunty/friend etc while you got yourself sorted, but have decided to commit to your relationship on the understanding that he will commit too. I really hope things work out for you - hugs xxxxxxx

Originally Posted by sareypoop

Hi guys! Not really sure why I'm posting this here. Think I just need to offload a bit. Yesterday I found my fiancé of 4 years has been sending indecent messages to about 6 different women. Im shocked and hurt and just don't know what to do. He says these women are from the past and he's not met up with any of them although arrangements were made with one of them. He even told one he loved them. I basically didn't exist to these women and he was single.
We had a baby boy 5 months ago so I don't feel like I can leave. I grew up without my parents together (my dad left my mum for another woman) and don't want that for my boy. I can't tell my friends or family what has gone on as I'm embarrassed and sickened by it plus it would create ill feeling. Like I said not sure why I've posted here, I suppose it's a bit of sympathy I'm after! Xx

I feel so strongly for you. I do not know you but I wish I lived around the corner from you to be able to help you with more than words on a screen.

I went through something similar in the early tears of my first marriage. I found photos of my husband in a state of undress with different women, some were so explicit I very nearly vomited. I n those days there were no mobile phones or computers . It was the 60's. He had joined a club that was for "abnormal" sexual perversions.

My world had ended. Ours son was 6 years old. On that occasion after lots of very deep thought and consulting people who were experts in such matters, I decided that for the sake of our son I would carry on with the marriage. We even moved house.

On another 4 occasions I found out he was cheating. He even confessed to being unfaithful most Friday nights on his "lads" night out. It cleansed his conscience but did nothing for me.

Call me stupid, call me what you want but in those days you stayed together for your children and for the "family name". I stayed for to many horrendous years. Lovemaking was a farce. I felt I could be anyone he was in bed with.

When our son went to University and I discovered once again he had been unfaithful I left him. By this time he had become physically violent too.

A year later our son asked me why I hadn't left his father earlier in the marriage. I explained it was because I wanted him to grow up with both parents. He then shocked me by explaining that growing up had been dreadful for him and that he would have been much happier with just one parent.

As most folks on here know I met and married my present husband 28 years ago, we have been married 27 years this week. He is wonderful.

The reason I have told you all of this is because I think you should think so hard and so carefully before you commit yourself and your baby to a life of misery. I believed my ex husband's promises to me and wish I had left him after giving him the first chance and him letting me down again and again.

It is something that can not be undertaken lightly and I understand you wanting to make it work........you love him but please, please have a contingency plan if things go wrong.

I really hope for your sake that it does work out and that you can cope with knowing what he has done.

Big, big hugs and lots of love xxxxxxx

Originally Posted by sareypoop

Thanks for the replies. He deleted all the numbers from his phone yesterday and says he's going to change his phone number. He's also removed the lock off his phone. He says he does it because it's something wrong with him, like a self destruct. He is going to see a councillor for it today at work. I can't trust him and I've told him this but he wants to try and make it work and has said it won't happen again and he's glad I found the messages so we can do something about it. I'm just feeling very confused.

He is showing some remorse but as has been said you must check that this is in effect what is happening. Do not be afraid of checking up on him. You have to protect yourself.

Originally Posted by donna88

I have very strong views on this to be honest, I know someone who was with a bloke who was cheating and every time she found evidence his response was to delete the message and number... as if deleting the evidence stopped it from happening.

However, you do have a lot invested in him and if he is willing to go and see someone for help, then maybe the right thing for you to do would be to give him another chance. See how he gets on ect. but my advice would be if anything happens again then get rid. At least then you'll know you did everything you could to make it work.

Brilliant, sensible reply , very well put !!


More hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you fillymum for that reply, it has made me think about what I'm doing. I'm going to give him one chance and if he blows it then me and my son are gone. I am also going to check up on him as its the only way I'll find out if he's done it again. He covered his tracks well last time, I just wish I knew how long it had gone on for. It's my sons christening this weekend. I have no idea how we are going to get through it without anyone noticing something is wrong x

Morning, hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Stay strong and do not forget we are here when you need a listening ear,

love and hugs xxxxxxx

You've had some excellent advice so far so I won't add to that.
I don't normally reply to freds like this but what Fillymum said made me stop and think.
As I was that child.

My parents stayed together because of me - because as Sue said that was what you did back then.
There was no emotional blackmail, no violence etc but they had married because mum was preganant. Single mum's were a big no-no in 1955.
But their relationship wasn't working and it was obvious. I hated being in a house with them together.
But I also hated being with either of them singly. Mum was (and still is) a control freak when it came to me. Dad just didn't know how to express his emotions - all he did was hide away from both of us.

Fortunately I had my grandparents - who were the ones who looked after me and gave me all the love and affection my parents didn't know how to give.

They went on like that ignoring each other and me really until I got married at age 20 - and then she had the guts to leave dad. She'd been having affairs throughout my teens and finally found a good man that she was happy with and married. It was like the weight had been lifted off all of us. She smiled again and dad actually found a voice and started talking to me about how difficult it had been for him to talk to me because of the way mum had been in trying to control and protect me from him.

So please think long and hard about what you are going to do. Leopards really do not change their spots as, I'm sorry, this won't end for him.
As your son gets older he will just know things aren't right between you if your fiancé carries on as he is.

(((( HUGE GREAT BIG HUGS )))) to you chica.

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a lot better thanks. He saw a councillor yesterday and has another 5 sessions with her. He says he hasn't had any messages from the other women and will tell me of he does. He's going to also change his number. I can't bring myself to put my engagement ring back on as it still hurts me to think he's done it but I suppose I need to get over that in order to try to make it work again.

Don't rush yourself though, although you have to learn to trust him and get over it for the relationship to work, its still him that has done wrong and you that are the victim, so don't try and force yourself to be in a place where your not yet. If things are going to work out with you two they will do when its right for you. Not having your ring on for a while if that's how you feel is the right thing, don't rush to put it back on to show him everythings okay if it isn't okay yet (sorry I don't know if that makes sense... ) glad to hear your feeling better today though

Hopefully you are doing the right thing and giving him a chance hun as sometimes these things can work out. Its hard to get the whole picture on here and know the best advice to give but didn't want to just read and run as they say! Big hugs for you and little one and hopefully the counselling will work for oh and he will work at earning your trust back xxx

Just want to send you hugs. Nobody deserves to be treated in this way. Sadly when the trust goes in a relationship it is very difficult and I hope you can move forward and if you stay together, he has to keep to his side of the bargain, not just this week or this month or till the 5 sessions of therapy are finished, but forever. It's understandable that you wouldn't want to let people know, but you still need to have some space to talk about what's happened- he has his therapist, hope you can confide in someone apart from us so you can have some support. But if not, we are here. Hope you can still enjoy the christening. :-)