Mel's journal

Since I'm new here I figured I should start this diary with a bit of an introduction. I'm Mel :wavey: I'm 36 and I have been overweight since being a kid. I was always happy being a 'big girl', my size (I say size because I never, ever weighed myself) was steady and I was still really active. Then around about the time my youngest son was born 9 years ago life decided to pile the crap on me and the more crap I had to deal with the bigger I got. I would go through an entire week not leaving the house and my shyness developed into social anxiety.

The last couple of years I've really worked on picking my self-esteem up off the floor and pulling myself out of depression. I started my degree with the OU, I started wearing make-up again (instead of thinking it was a waste of time me even trying to look good), I started dyeing my hair the colours I really wanted and I got my first tattoo (and then my second and third)- basically all the things I always told myself I couldn't do because I was fat.

This last year I decided that I deserved to be healthier and started eating better and making vague attempts at getting fit and I did get a little smaller, but it wasn't enough I knew I needed to really go for it and decided to give slimming world a try. I got the books from ebay, because I'm just not at the stage I can deal with going to a group yet and got stuck in. So last Tuesday morning at 7am I was stood in the kitchen in my nightie ready to step on those scales for the first time in years... I was certain the scales would just come up with an error message and I was bracing myself to deal with that. First hurdle over- they weighed me- I weighed less than I feared, but more than I'd hoped. Posting my weight on my profile on here was a huge deal- I have never voluntarily told anyone how much I weigh, hell I wouldn't even tell myself.

WEEK ONE:
I had a great first week, I stuck to the plan 100%, loved the food I was cooking and didn't once feel like I was missing out on anything. I managed to exceed my activity target for the week- my exercise of choice for now is walking, I aimed for 10 miles with a mixture of terrains. But all week I was getting more and more anxious about the first WI, I woke at 5:30 this morning and just laid in bed worrying about it. 7am finally arrived and once more I was stood in the kitchen in my nightie, I stood on the scales (I'll admit I crossed my fingers a little at this point) and looked at just the last number and tell my husband I lost one pound. I was a little disappointed, but I was already giving myself a pep talk about not giving up. Then my husband told me "No, look again, that's 15lb". I think my squeal of excitement could be heard next door

Miles walked: 13.5
Lbs lost: 15

Yesterday started the same as all my week day mornings do- getting the kids up and fed, making myself eat breakfast (something I never used to do) and getting my trail shoes on so we can be out the door at 8. It was throwing it down but I was all bouncy and I wasn't gonna let a little bit of rain stop me, and then 5 minutes into my walk the zip on my softshell jacket broke (borrowed from my husband cos the largest ladies, a 22, won't fit yet). Such a small thing, but for a short while it sent me spiraling down into the pits of 'Who was I kidding to think I could do this?' via the scenic route of 'I'm such a complete waste of space'. I tried to carry on, but my getting stressed set my husband off on an autistic mini-meltdown which of course sent me on a detour down 'How can I possibly do this with so much to cope with already in my life?' So we went home after just 1.5 miles, me on the verge of tears and hating myself for giving up.

I allowed myself an hour to wallow and feel sorry for myself and then gave myself a mental kick up the a**e. I didn't reach for food to make myself feel better and I know that's such a little thing, but to me it gave me a much needed self-esteem boost. The day wasn't a complete write-off though- I stuck 100% to plan and after tea we got out the head torches and took the kids for a night time walk on an easy path through the woods so we managed 2.5 miles yesterday- not great, but better than it would have been.

Today I woke up more determined than ever, my new hiking boots finally arrived yesterday so I finally had waterproof footwear to brave all those puddles and it wasn't even raining. We planned a 3 mile route that we did last week and I was so happy to see that I did the steepest bits much faster already. One of the reasons I always put off getting fit was cos I thought it would take ages before I could feel the benefits, but I can feel it already Up on the tops of the moors, looking out at amazing views was so worth getting a little sweaty on the way up. I know I can do this, having a crisis of confidence doesn't have to mean throwing in the towel anymore, and to prove it to myself I added another two miles to the planned walk.

I hope this journal isn't coming across as me being boastful, its really not meant like that, allowing myself to be pleased with my achievements is a new thing for me. Every time I have something to feel good about in the past I have always felt a compulsion to add some reason why its not really that good. I'm working hard to stop myself and to release its ok to be proud of things you've done. This journal, I hope, will help with that.

More than half way through my second week on plan and realising that I had more triggers to eat crap than I thought. I think a lot of them became triggers to eat when I stopped smoking 4 years ago- kids fighting and driving me crazy having a smoke would have been an excuse to go stand outside for a few minutes and have a tiny bit of time to myself. Without the fags it became an excuse to go put the coffee maker on, and of course grab a snack to go with it. Now common sense tells me if I could train myself out of going out for a smoke when these triggers happen, then I can train myself out of wanting to grab an unhealthy snack. Much like smoking did it only makes me feel better for a very short space of time and after that it all just adds to the reasons I should feel bad about myself.

These last couple of weeks I've been finding several little reasons every day to feel good about myself. The smallest things like asking for a salad with my meal instead of chips when I went out for lunch with a friend yesterday, or pushing myself to walk another couple of miles have been given me a real boost to my self esteem. And each little boost makes me feel that maybe I can do this, maybe I can stick to it for the long-haul and finally stop allowing my fear that I might fail to stop me from even trying. Its been too easy to pretend that I was happy how things were, but now I've stopped pretending I don't wanna start again.

Today is a weird day, trying to work through my first assignment of this years course (which is always the hardest) whilst my mind is stuck in a cycle of obsessively thinking about Tuesday's WI, feeling bad because I can't stop worrying and then feeling like a failure cos I'm letting myself feel bad. I know its all insane, I know I need to stop myself from always finding something to feel bad about. Knowing this is actually making it worse today because I feel like a failure cos I haven't stopped myself yet (yes I can see the crazy irony in all this).


Need to get out in the fresh air for a bit, even if it means dragging along reluctant offspring, I need to feel like I'm being proactive and not just shuffling around the house.

So first things first, I completely forgot to update for my week 2 totals. I had mixed feelings about my WI this week, I knew I wasn't gonna get anything like the loss I had for week one, but on Tuesday morning I was so bloated (and things weren't moving as fast as they could be lol) I was half afraid I was gonna have put some of it back on. I lost 2.5lbs- which is a great loss, but the bloating frustrated me. But no moping- I've looked at what I did differently week two and I think I wasn't drinking enough and my carb portion sizes had crept up a little. I also wasn't snacking as much on superfree, so I was eating less of the really good stuff. I know potatoes and pasta are free foods, but I am pretty sure too much slows things right down for me and leads to the dreaded bloat. Experimenting this week by really keeping an eye on my carb portions, remember its ok to snack on SF foods if I'm hungry (I don't have to wait till my next meal) and making sure I always have a glass of sugar free dilute juice on the go.

Week Two:
Miles walked: 18.5
Lbs lost: 2.5


This week is going well so far- pretty sure I won't beat last week's miles walked, but I've already passed my 10 mile minimum so I'm happy. This last few weeks I've been finding I can do a lot more than I believed I could. Yesterday we went on a 'proper' hill walk, climbing up to 1100 feet really quite quickly- I was hot and really made good use of the walking pole my husband gave me despite feeling a little stupid with it to start with. But I didn't die of embarrassment because other people saw me sweaty and out of breath- it might sound stupid but after I lost my fitness it was a major block to me for getting exercise- I was always so sure people would be laughing at how fat and unfit I was. Now I keep reminding myself it takes a lot of effort to haul all this weight up these hills.

And so I have a picture of myself right at the start my of SW journey- here's me yesterday all hot and sweaty but at the top

Half term this week which has left me feeling a little lacking in confidence. I've stuck to the plan 100%, wasn't tempted to have even 1 halloween chocolate, but my exercise has been severely limited and at times I've just felt weird about the whole thing. One of my biggest triggers for comfort eating is stress and this week its felt a little like stopping smoking again- you know you don't want to start but you're at a loss as to what to do instead to make yourself feel better. I know that eating chocolate won't really make me feel better, but the question is what will? At times this week this question has left me feeling a little down-eating stuff to cheer myself was a coping mechanism (even if it was one that was ultimately bad for me and my self-esteem) so its left a void that I haven't yet figured out how to fill.


My limited exercise this week hasn't helped my confidence any either- I knew the walking would be very limited this week, but I'd planned to use the exercise bike everyday. Then I was hit by a double-whammy.. an ankle injury from falling down the stairs the other week flared up again leaving me limping and I got a flu bug (only mild but enough to make me exhausted). My logical mind is telling me that its perfectly ok to have a slow exercise week given the circumstances, but that stupid little voice in my head is telling me I'm just lazy.


Kids back at school on Monday, and I plan on getting right back into my walking routine first thing Monday morning. Pretty sure my WI next Tuesday will be a little disappointing since this week has been so inactive, but as long as I haven't gained I'll be ok.

And before I forget my figures for last week:
Week Three:
Miles walked: 14.5
Lbs lost: 1.5

Well 12 weeks in and 3 stone down-I love slimming world! I've spent hardly anytime feeling deprived (still get the occasional pmt-fuelled longing for chocolate or mexican food), I'm loving the meals, eating plenty and never feel like I'm starving myself.

I've lost inches off everywhere- the most striking is 4.5 inches off my hips/belly and most of my old clothes are hanging off me now. It probably sounds weird but my changing shape has sometimes left me feeling really anxious. I don't have a clue what to wear anymore- my favourite stuff that always 'held in' my stomach is loose and baggy now so I feel like I actually look worse in what were my favourite outfits. I can't wait till I get down into normal sizes so replacing stuff isn't such a big deal- I'm in a 22 now so can get some stuff from asda/tesco, but I really can't wait till I drop a couple more.

I was dreading Christmas, but it was actually really good. I bought myself a Bailey's miniature thinking one would be a nice treat, but was given a big bottle of the stuff as a gift. Yes, I had a couple of glasses, but its new year's eve and there's still 60% of the bottle left. Normally it would have been gone by the 27th. (And the present chocolates were quickly passed on to someone else) Most of our big christmas meal was slimming world, but we had a home-made yorkshire each, a little bit of stuffing and desert. None of the usual stuffing ourselves to busting or picking at treats all day long, and we still had a great time.

Here's hoping for another 12 weeks of loses and a great (and slimmer) new year for everyone.

MelScarlet said:

Well 12 weeks in and 3 stone down-I love slimming world! I've spent hardly anytime feeling deprived (still get the occasional pmt-fuelled longing for chocolate or mexican food), I'm loving the meals, eating plenty and never feel like I'm starving myself.

I've lost inches off everywhere- the most striking is 4.5 inches off my hips/belly and most of my old clothes are hanging off me now. It probably sounds weird but my changing shape has sometimes left me feeling really anxious. I don't have a clue what to wear anymore- my favourite stuff that always 'held in' my stomach is loose and baggy now so I feel like I actually look worse in what were my favourite outfits. I can't wait till I get down into normal sizes so replacing stuff isn't such a big deal- I'm in a 22 now so can get some stuff from asda/tesco, but I really can't wait till I drop a couple more.

I was dreading Christmas, but it was actually really good. I bought myself a Bailey's miniature thinking one would be a nice treat, but was given a big bottle of the stuff as a gift. Yes, I had a couple of glasses, but its new year's eve and there's still 60% of the bottle left. Normally it would have been gone by the 27th. (And the present chocolates were quickly passed on to someone else) Most of our big christmas meal was slimming world, but we had a home-made yorkshire each, a little bit of stuffing and desert. None of the usual stuffing ourselves to busting or picking at treats all day long, and we still had a great time.

Here's hoping for another 12 weeks of loses and a great (and slimmer) new year for everyone.

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Hi Mel you seem to be doing fab
Keep it up I'm sure you will be your ideal weight in no time.
I'm jumping on the Slimming World band wagon on Wed - never done this plan before so looking forward to eating. As just come out of a VLCD have lost a stone off this mind but at an expense of £67 a week :O and became ill off it which wasn't good atall!
Anyway on this one I go, not sure what happens but I'm sure I will as of Wed, your diary is funny and inspirational keep it up!!!!

All the best
Scott

wow mel you have done fantastic... 15lbs in 1 week! amazing! 3 stone in 12 weeks.... inspirational!
good luck with the rest of your journey xx

Thank you both and good luck to both of you too I wish I had known I could do this a long time ago, I still have a really long way to go but its so easy to see this as a life-style change rather than a diet and I actually find I've had better losses when I've eaten more superfree snacks, so no need to starve myself.

Scott I'm sure you'll do fine- all the info seems a bit overwhelming at first but just keep referring to the books and in no time you'll have a good idea what you're doing. I mostly do extra easy, with one or two green days thrown in a week, and it really is easy to follow with some common sense- its just a low-fat diet with plenty of fruit and veggies.

Nettie- good luck with your 2013 challenge- I love that you've set yourself a year long challenge, I might have to steal that idea myself lol. So far have been just going from one mini-target to the next.

Hi Mel
Love your blog. What you say is so familiar - all the anxieties you feel are exactly what I have. I'm starting today for about the 100th diet of my life - but I'm determined to make this the one. I feel different to the way I have before and I do not want to carry on the way I am feeling horrible about myself and what I eat ; it affects everything in ways you don't realise til you sit and think about it. I'm generally very happy but my weight is always the sticking point. I'm not putting pressure on myself to do it by a certain time. I've done SW before - I lost over 3 stone and that would be great. My aim is 3.5 stone this time. I'm very impatient and always want the loss NOW!!! - but know I have to take it day by day and just be good and stick to plan!

Keep on going - 3 stone already is so great and it has inspired me! Happy New Year and here's to a very slim and healthy 2013

Michelle

Hi Mel, I decided on a years target as I know that in the past I have failed at mini targets and it has totally thrown me off track. I have set mini targets but to be honest as long as I lose the 70lbs by the end of the year I will just be happy to get near my mini goals. Ultimately I really really want to be 5 stone lighter (70lbs sound better somehow!) I'm not sure how I will look or feel after that and I've seen some stats on here of people who are the same height and weight as me and they have done it in less than 40 weeks so I'm feeling very hopeful

Hi Mel

Just come across your diary - you write so well and its very inspirational - your losses are great!

Good luck for 2013! X

Hi Mel your weight loss is fantastic in 12 weeks! Good luck for 2013.
Nettie...great idea to have a years goal....I would really like to shift 4 stones...here's hoping!

nettie said:

Hi Mel, I decided on a years target as I know that in the past I have failed at mini targets and it has totally thrown me off track. I have set mini targets but to be honest as long as I lose the 70lbs by the end of the year I will just be happy to get near my mini goals. Ultimately I really really want to be 5 stone lighter (70lbs sound better somehow!) I'm not sure how I will look or feel after that and I've seen some stats on here of people who are the same height and weight as me and they have done it in less than 40 weeks so I'm feeling very hopeful

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I think at the start I was a little afraid to set a big target incase it seemed completely unreachable. I haven't even decided on my target weight yet, decided to play that one by ear and just decide when it feels right. Well done on your 6lbs lost so far for January- that's a great start

malamobile said:

Hi Mel
Love your blog. What you say is so familiar - all the anxieties you feel are exactly what I have. I'm starting today for about the 100th diet of my life - but I'm determined to make this the one. I feel different to the way I have before and I do not want to carry on the way I am feeling horrible about myself and what I eat ; it affects everything in ways you don't realise til you sit and think about it. I'm generally very happy but my weight is always the sticking point. I'm not putting pressure on myself to do it by a certain time. I've done SW before - I lost over 3 stone and that would be great. My aim is 3.5 stone this time. I'm very impatient and always want the loss NOW!!! - but know I have to take it day by day and just be good and stick to plan!

Keep on going - 3 stone already is so great and it has inspired me! Happy New Year and here's to a very slim and healthy 2013

Michelle

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Even though I used to tell myself I was happy how I was I think, like you, it affected how I felt about myself in so many ways. Since I've started proving to myself that I can do this I have started to feel a lot more content with my life and find the day to day stresses of family life (where 3 out of the 5 of us have autism) much easier to cope with. Good luck on your journey- you can do it

flabtofit said:

Hi Mel

Just come across your diary - you write so well and its very inspirational - your losses are great!

Good luck for 2013! X

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Harryhorror said:

Hi Mel your weight loss is fantastic in 12 weeks! Good luck for 2013.

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Thank you and here's hoping for a great year for you both too.

Well Christmas is well and truly over and its back 100% to plan for me. I even...wait for it... poured half that bottle of Baileys down the sink so I wouldn't be tempted by it anymore... it left my husband speechless for a few moments as he watched me do it lol. It felt so good to do it because it's been niggling at me as this terrible temptation since I opened it Christmas day. Actually really proud of myself that I showed restraint with it and didn't just neck the lot since it was Christmas- last Christmas I would have.

Been suffering with horrible migraines this week, haven't been this bad for a while. In the old days what always helped when they were bad like this is painkillers, a can of full sugar coke and some crisps- Robinson's and a ryvita doesn't work quite so well but at least its not costing me a bazillion syns. I suspect my being fleixble with the syns a little over Christmas will show on the scales at WI on tuesday- managed to loose one pound over christmas but I wonder if it will catch up with me this week??

MelScarlet said:

Even though I used to tell myself I was happy how I was I think, like you, it affected how I felt about myself in so many ways. Since I've started proving to myself that I can do this I have started to feel a lot more content with my life and find the day to day stresses of family life (where 3 out of the 5 of us have autism) much easier to cope with. Good luck on your journey- you can do it

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Thanks am really positive. Totally know what you mean about thinking you're ok with it but when you look at little things you realise it isn't right. People always said to me that 'i carried it well' and that 'i wasn't fat' which is very kind (and i'm lucky my face doesn't get too big) but I am so self conscious when i sit on the train to London and always think noone will want to have to squeeze on next to me as i spill onto the next seat. even at xmas if i have clothes on my present list i am embarassed to tell my family the size! the other day went to see friends who live on a very little hill and dreaded them wanting to go to the pub in case we had to climb the hill together and they'd see i was unfit. that's terrible isn't it- to be embarassed around family and friends and limiting what i do- but i think we all do it in one way or another. anyway, new year new start and 'i'm feeeeeling good' as muse would say! i'm using minimins a lot as need the support of others doing this at home. we can DEFINITELY do it! hope your week is going well. mx

Just read the beginning of your diary. You sound very much like me, i started doing stuff that made me happy, finally figuring i shouldn't care about what anyone else thinks. Got my first tattoo last year too after 7 years of putting it off (and my second, which happens to be jaret's signature )