The title of my diary is very true for me. I think my problem with dieting to date has been the quick fix desire; when I don't see the results I lose interest. I know I can lose weight, I've done very well on previous diets but I can't say I've lasted on one longer than 3 or 4 months. However, I rarely stick at it. In my life it's taking me quite a long time to become good at sticking things out, I'd say I'm still working on it. From my late teens til my 20s I seemed to struggle to finish a lot of things - college courses, hobbies, exercise plans, jobs etc. I'd always get bored and give up or try something else. Going back into education and sticking out college, uni and a post grad qualification was really the first time I could say that I'd really worked at anything. Prior to my current job I think the longest job I'd ever had was about 9 months long but I'm now a year and a half into the current job and planning on staying there forever, or for as long as I can. I love my job, it's something I worked for. It's exactly what all the studying was for and I'm now reaping the benefits of it all. I think this experience, coupled with another few motivators, has made me realise that if I want to lose all this weight, I really need to be in it for the long haul. It isn't going to happen in a snap. There's no magic pill. It took time to put it all on so it's going to take time to get it all off. I feel like, for the first time, I've really accepted this idea.
What else has motivated me recently? Well, there's all the usual things such as wanting to look and feel better and wanting to buy clothes from normal shops but there's a few things in particular that have motivated me this time. One of them was - I turned 30 last September - in the year before I turned 30 I had it in my head that I'd be "thin by 30" - that didn't happen. Once I turned 30 I decided "ok, I'm in my 30s now and I don't want to hit 40 and have spent the previous 10 years obese, or worse". Well, guess what? I'm 5 months away from turning 31 and I'm now at my heaviest weight ever. Things weren't exactly going to plan. Another thing motivating me is that as I'd failed to start a diet after my 30th, I was going to start one in January along with everyone else. As a result of this the boyfriend and I decided to go on holiday somewhere warm in June. So I promptly booked the time off work and looked at loads of holidays then did nothing else about it!
Now this holiday is something I've wanted for ages - I've been a few city breaks in my adult years but the last time I was on sun beach holiday I was about 14 years old and with my parents. This is the first time in my life, after being a skint student for so long that I am finally in a fairly settled position that allows me to save up and go on a proper relaxing holiday. I was thinking 4 or 5 star all inclusive or maybe a villa rental. I was thinking of going to places like Cyprus, Menorca or Tunisia. We decided to hang on and see if we could get a cheaper last minute deal so I kept looking, I haven't booked anything but then I realised that it's 2 months until my annual leave comes up and I'm nowhere closer in my weight loss, I'm actually heavier than I was in January! I know fine well that if I went to a hotel in Spain or somewhere that my appearance would make me cover up and feel embarrassed around all the slimmer sun worshippers. I also know that the heat would probably leave me uncomfortable and sweaty. I know that just buying that holiday wardrobe and being in those changing rooms scrutinising myself in shorts or a swimsuit in the mirror will lead to me feeling glum and full of regret that I haven't done anything about my weight. So, I decided not to go on holiday. I'm even thinking about cancelling my annual leave. How rubbish is that? This isn't the first time I've let my weight stop me from doing things - I've cancelled nights out, I've avoided wedding receptions, I probably could have managed a sun holiday somewhere before now but really my weight has put me off that whole time too.
So yes, we've got the hitting and being 30 milestone, the holiday and what else? In November I did start a bit of a health kick, I'd joined a gym and had started going and was feeling very positive. I remember talking to a colleague in work about it and she was telling me about her husband who had just begun a weight loss plan. Due to holidays, illness, working in different locations etc. I didn't really see this colleague again until about a month ago, by which time my health kick had fallen flat on its face. However, she was telling me her husband had lost 4 stone and was looking great. I immediately felt regret that I wasn't in the same camp. It made me think of this quote:
"A year from now, you may wish you had started today" (Robert Schuller).
My final piece of motivation happened about a week ago. As usual, I had decided it was time to lose weight. I had very successfully lost weight using VLCD shakes about a year and a half ago where I lost about 4 stone. I have since put all of it (and more) back on again but I decided enough was enough and I would do it differently this time and I would stick it out then reintroduce food slowly and learn to eat like a normal person. So I started it and I'd forgotten how much I disliked the products. In fact, there was only 1 that I could truly say it didn't make me feel sick consuming it. So I struggled through a week of VLCD and in that week I had headaches, felt light headed, constantly nauseated, constantly hungry and farily miserable. (and yes I was doing it 100% and drinking all of my water). The time before had been nowhere as hard as this. But I tried, I even went on a nice day out with my boyfriend and we avoided going for a pub lunch and I drank down my shake and a cup of black tea whilst he ate a shop bought sandwich. Ugh, what a boring diet. However, I was ready to plod along and kept going. By the end of the week I was miserable, I stood on the scales and had lost 10lbs and that didn't even seem like it was enough. I went out that day to the shops with my gran, I sat and watched her eat cake whilst I sipped at water. I took her home then went to drive home when I started to feel really dizzy. I parked up in a supermarket carpark and actually fainted. A small, wee faint, I don't think it lasted more than a minute but it was then I decided screw this! I went into the supermarket (I was still thinking I'd stick with the plan but also add a small high protein meal) so I bought turkey breast slices and water then went back to the car and sat there eating them right there in the car. I drove home and spotted some nuts, so I ate them. There wasn't much in so I went to the supermarket and it was at this point the diet was truly out of the window and I bought sweets, cake, crisps, a sandwich, a milk shake etc. I took these home (and ate a chocolate bar whilst driving back!) then ate until I felt sick. I decided then and there that this wasn't how I wanted to live. Going from one extreme to another. Those 10lbs I lost were back the very next day, I'd actually gained a pound.
I decided that I needed to learn how to eat like a normal person. I decided it wasn't going to be a quick fix this time. I knew people in my work who were doing Slimming World and they always had nice things to eat at lunch time so I was going to check it out. I announced to the world that day that I was going to SW the next evening, and I did.
Today is the final day of my first week. My weigh in is tomorrow. I'm very pleased with the plan. I enjoyed going to the group last Monday, they were all very friendly and welcoming and I feel happy about going there. I have looked at the scales, I know this isn't going to be fast weight loss but for the first time I can see how I can stick to this easily over the long term. It feels different this time. I feel prepared to stick it out and realise that it will take small steps to get there. I definitely haven't lost anywhere close to 10lbs in one week but I have lost and I'm looking forward to tomorrows official weigh in.
Last Monday I weighed 18stones and 13lbs. My first goal is 17 stone. My overall goal is 10 stone. It's going to take a long time but I'm ready to stick it out and work at it.