Trying to turn things around
I can remember the first time I really felt fat. It was when I was thirteen and I was at a store with my best friend trying some dresses on. She was wearing a size seven and I was in a fourteen (American sizes). Which was the first time I noticed that in terms of size I wasn't really like other girls my age. When I got older I started the constant struggle with weight gain. I have tried every diet under the sun including fasting for two days straight. I lost weight but never kept it off.
Seven years ago I fell in love with a man from England and flew across the sea to live with him in the UK. He really is wonderful and is so supportive of me. Except he is tall and slim and always has been so he doesn't really understand. He knows its hard and is very good about how emotional it is. But in terms of trying to talk to him about it, he just doesn't understand. Anyway in coming to the UK I had access to something new that might help me lose weight.
I joined Slimming World a few years back for the first time. It was fabulous. The weight flew off of me in no time at all. I found the plan so easy and simple. I lost nearly 5 stone in just under a year. I loved it so much I decide to become a consultant. I loved that too. The things outside of group the support, the promotion, the leafleting ect started to consume my life. I gave up my job to make a go of being a full time consultant. My group was never super successful (not for lack of trying) but I loved the job and my members.
What I didn't love was how easily the weight came piling back on. They warn you when they interview you. They say, a lot of consultants struggle with their weight. A lot of them put it back on. And I remember thinking, oh that won't be me. Oh how wrong I was.
I did put most of my weight back on in the single year I was a consultant. Working for SW took up so much of my life that I didn't even want to think about it when it came to my own personal time. When I opened up the fridge I would think to myself, oh god not more Slimming World. I flit from group to group struggling to find a place to fit in where I didn't feel like some kind of leper. I struggled to support my members and give advice in group because I felt like a fraud. How could I help them lose the weight they wanted if I couldn't help myself? So because I felt so terrible I started to eat and eat and eat.
And so eventually I decided that my weight and my health were more important then the job and I left being a consultant in Sept of last year.
Now I am left with the remnants of a mess both in terms of Slimming World and in myself. Every group I go to everyone knows I used to be a consultant. I feel horrifically ashamed that I have put so much weight back on. I am embarrassed to walk into a group where I think people might know me. Everyone consultant treats me different because I used to be one. I find that groups are no longer fulfilling and have lost their magic.
I am sort of at a loss of what to do to get myself motivated and to keep myself there.
A new consultant has just started a group across the road from me. I think have decided that I want to, at the very least, go and get weighed every week. But I dread walking in the door for the first time. I know that she won't recognise me since she is new which is a good thing. But I don't really want to have to sit through a new members talk because it will bring back all those same feelings. I just keep asking myself, Why can't I do this any more? I have no clue what I weight right now. I am actually terrified to find out. I don't want to know how much I have let myself down.
I've joined this forum in hopes to have some place where I can come to where people actually understand how hard this weight loss thing is.
I'm going to make myself push the post button now before I chicken out! :o