I've had about 100 diaries on here, but as I'm starting fresh on day one today, I'm starting a new diary. The below is something I posted a couple of days ago on my old diary and sums up how I'm feeling right now.
I am the classic yo-yo dieter. I've always been overweight from the age of eight. It was probably earlier, but this was the first time I remember it being an issue or mentioned. I'm in my 30's now to give some kind of context. I can remember every time I was 'thin' - when I was 16, after my GCSE's I stopped eating between meals and got down to 10st. When I was in my last year of university I ate healthier and started exercising more, I honestly have no idea what I weighed then, but I was wearing a size 12 so was probably around 10st again. I got really fat after meeting my now husband in my early 20's and since then I feel like I've been on the emotional dieting roller coaster that I now want to get off. I've been back and too to SW and WW over those 13 years, the most successful being when I got to my WW goal weight of 9st 10lbs. My heaviest (while not pregnant!) is 12 and a half stone which I've hit a few times in that time.
So that is my journey, but it doesn't really tell the emotions behind it. I'm one of four kids, the middle child between my brother and younger twin sisters. There is only 6 years between the four of us. It's something I've never fully appreciated until having my own son, but my parents had their work cut out with us and I do sometimes feel like my needs were neglected in favour of my siblings. My mum was also not the best. She did her best, but honestly I don't think she was cut out to be a mum, she doesn't know how to handle or express her emotions, so it all comes out in mood swings, and she is a domineering person. She wants things done her way or not at all. As for my dad, I just feel like he was hardly there with working away a lot. I know this is very woe is me and it's all the fault of the parents, but it has raised me into a person who has little self confidence, I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm afraid that no one will like or love me as I am and I don't deserve to be happy. I have spent years telling myself I am not good enough. If I am not overweight anymore I won't have anything to beat myself up about anymore. I can't imagine my life without all those demons.
Then we move onto my relationship. Can it purely be coincidence that all this got really crazy when I met my husband?! I feel like I don't deserve a happy relationship. I feel like I can't show the real me in my relationship because then he won't love me. I feel like I have to put myself last and my OH's and LO's needs first because I am not important and don't matter. I have spent the years with him supressing my emotions, stuffing my face to numb the pain and then trying to diet to lose the weight as a solution. If I am thin I will have to address this, I will have to let my husband, my son and my family see the real me. I will have to start putting myself first, I will have to find hobbies and interests, I will have to go out there and meet people. I don't know if I can do that.