RIGHT. Where do I start? Food has been my friend since I was little. It's the first thing I turn to when anything goes wrong. Or right. Or when I'm bored. Or sad. Or happy. Or tired. Or full of energy. Or it's a day with a Y in it.
As a result, I ended up over 13 stone at the age of 20, met my now husband, got pregnant, and kept gaining after I had our son until I joined Weightwatchers with a friend in June 2011, and stepped on the scales to see 16 stone 4 looking up at me. I cried, my leader told me I'd never have to see that on a scales again, and I went home with my starter pack and my head swimming with propoints. Over the next 8 months I lost almost 3 stone, and started to feel guilty about it because the friend I'd joined with wasn't losing. Every pound I lost, she put on, and I felt bad for losing weight. I didn't have a particularly good leader, either. She didn't like cooking and didn't like drinking water, didn't see the point of exercise. Eventually my friend stopped going and so did I (so did the leader), because I felt lost on my own. I don't drive so I also felt like a burden on family by asking them to bring me to my meeting. I continued the plan at home for a while, but then life got in the way. My father-in-law was terminally ill and needed care from us all. I was also getting married that October (2012)- and I gave up smoking in June after seeing what it had done to him. He died 6 weeks before our wedding, and I got married at just over 15 stone. I tried again with Weightwatchers a few times - I even updated on here - but I would always last about 3-4 weeks and then get really sick of it. Sick of pointing, counting - I got completely obsessive about food and I was spending points on my old friends crisps, alcohol, chocolate, pastries, crackers, coke. Then in February 2013, I found out I was pregnant.
We were overjoyed - our eldest is 9, so it was such happy news to finally be able to give him a little brother or sister. I decided to knuckle down and stop treating my body like a dustbin, but I indulged every single Kebab craving. I didn't weigh myself throughout my pregnancy, I didn't want to know. In July 2013, I went for a routine scan and heard the immortal words - "I think I see another head". At 7 months pregnant, I found out we were having twins (totally outed myself there to anyone who knows me). What followed were 2 months of shock, panic, exhaustion and finally a planned c-section at 38 weeks that resulted in two healthy non-ID baby boys on October 1st 2013.
For the first 12 weeks after they were born, food went out the window. We lived on stuff grabbed from the chipper, or sandwiches, or a packet of chocolate digestives split at 4am. I needed instant energy - both my husband and I put on weight. I tried again with weightwatchers, but I wasn't able to do the grocery shop for the first 4 weeks so you can imagine what my husband came home with. I don't mean to insult any men, I'm sure some are excellent at doing a weekly shop - mine is unfortunately not one of them! When I did get back on my feet, I went overboard with soups & salads & stir fries for about 3 weeks, then the novelty wore off again. I lost and gained the same 6-10 lbs several times over the past few months. The few cans on a Saturday night, chinese on a Friday, and Fry on a Sunday became more of a routine than I'd like to admit. I'd buy packets of things specifically to eat when my husband wasn't at home. I was basically having an affair with jumbo packets of Thai Chilli Crisps, rolls of mini cheddars, and bags of pistachios. I'd eat them so quick I didn't even taste them.
So where does it leave me now? I weighed myself last Thursday and I was 17 stone 4. Something clicked - the same thing that clicked when I gave up smoking (I haven't smoked since the day I stubbed out my last one over 2 years ago) - if I keep doing this, there's a possibility I could die. I could get a heart attack or a stroke and leave 3 young children without a mother. I read a piece from a man who had lost his wife to cancer 6 months earlier and his pain lept off the page. That woman didn't have a choice - I do. I can stop this cycle now, and I need to.
Last Thursday evening, I told myself I'd join Slimming World "on Monday" but instead, I printed out the free 7-day menu and started the next morning (Friday). I'm on Day 5 now and I joined up online properly yesterday, so I will weigh-in for the first time on Tuesday. I'm already eating healthier than I have in years. I made some mistakes - bought the wrong mayonnaise, ate the wrong cereal bars, ate two bags of crisps - but I have had a chat with myself and I have finally come to terms with the fact that I can not have junk in the house. I can't have multipacks, and I can't use Syns on "treats". I've used some on Avocados and Ketchup instead.
Crisps, chocolate and beer have been with me on this journey from day 1 - and this is where I leave them. I can't do moderation. I'm very much all-or-nothing, and I'm scared that this initial burst of enthusiasm will wane and I'll end up in a sea of wrappers 3 weeks down the line. I don't want that to happen. I can't go to a group but I thought I would use this as my group therapy, even if I'm just talking to myself.
I'm not even sure if anyone will read this (fair play to you if you've read it all), but I need to waffle and ramble for my own sanity. I'm a Stay-at-home-Mum to the boys (eldest is 9, twins are 9mths) and I want to be here to see them grow up. I don't want someone to have to show them one of the very few pictures of me and ask them if they remember me.
No more Fat Mam x