Funny Thread?

[Treats]

Well I see that we all like something light hearted as well as light in calories.. carbs blah blah....

Sooooooooo... how about we have a funny thread and I saw this and thought... hey this was funny and wanted to share it with you all.....




Dieter's Psalm


Strict is my diet. I must not want.
It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.
It leadeth me past the confectioners.
It trieth my willpower.
It leadeth me in the paths of alteration
for my figure's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the aisles
of the pastry department, I will
buy no sweetrolls for they are
fattening.
The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.
Before me is a table set with green beans
and lettuce.
I filleth my stomach with liquids,
My day's quota runneth over.
Surely calorie and weight charts will
follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the fear of scales forever.



Everyone has a funny joke tucked in there somewhere

[Msblue]

A wee bit blue - hope that's ok? (oh and sorry blokes on here )

14 Reasons why diet coke is better than a man...

1. When you swallow a diet coke you only get 1 calorie.

2. It comes in a can, not in your mouth.

3. You can ignore a diet coke for weeks and it will still be there when you want it.

4. The first one won't get mad if you need another one tonight.

5. A diet coke generally lasts longer.

6. You can throw it in the bin when you're done.

7. A diet coke will treat you the same in the morning as the night before.

8. You can pick one up at a supermarket without your friends talking about you.

9. You can do one in the car even while driving.

10. The aftertaste is certainly better.

11. You can get a bigger size without changing brands.

12. You never have to lie to a diet coke.

13. A diet soda will wait home patiently when you go out with friends and still refresh you when you get home at 6AM.

14. You can have a headache and still enjoy it.

[angelcake72]

Originally Posted by Msblue

A wee bit blue - hope that's ok? (oh and sorry blokes on here )

14 Reasons why diet coke is better than a man...

1. When you swallow a diet coke you only get 1 calorie.

2. It comes in a can, not in your mouth.

3. You can ignore a diet coke for weeks and it will still be there when you want it.

4. The first one won't get mad if you need another one tonight.

5. A diet coke generally lasts longer.

6. You can throw it in the bin when you're done.

7. A diet coke will treat you the same in the morning as the night before.

8. You can pick one up at a supermarket without your friends talking about you.

9. You can do one in the car even while driving.

10. The aftertaste is certainly better.

11. You can get a bigger size without changing brands.

12. You never have to lie to a diet coke.

13. A diet soda will wait home patiently when you go out with friends and still refresh you when you get home at 6AM.

14. You can have a headache and still enjoy it.

Ha ha LOL

[Vicsy]

Originally Posted by Msblue

A wee bit blue - hope that's ok? (oh and sorry blokes on here )

14 Reasons why diet coke is better than a man...

1. When you swallow a diet coke you only get 1 calorie.

2. It comes in a can, not in your mouth.

3. You can ignore a diet coke for weeks and it will still be there when you want it.

4. The first one won't get mad if you need another one tonight.

5. A diet coke generally lasts longer.

6. You can throw it in the bin when you're done.

7. A diet coke will treat you the same in the morning as the night before.

8. You can pick one up at a supermarket without your friends talking about you.

9. You can do one in the car even while driving.

10. The aftertaste is certainly better.

11. You can get a bigger size without changing brands.

12. You never have to lie to a diet coke.

13. A diet soda will wait home patiently when you go out with friends and still refresh you when you get home at 6AM.

14. You can have a headache and still enjoy it.

Very funny! I like!

[emski]

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

[Treats]

You know it's time to diet when..

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

[Treats]

I know this is an oldie but it still makes me giggle

The Blonde Diet


A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

[emski]

The following food and situations have no calories to speak of ...

OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.
CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca -- consumed for demonstration purposes -- up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.
UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. If pie or cake is neatly cut, but the remainder is not easily divisible into equal servings, it's also permissible to even things up ... without calorie consequence.
TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. Entire no-calorie dinners are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.
FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD: doesn't count. This is an enormous category covering a diverse range including airline food, cafeteria meals, and dinner at your sister-in-law's. Also dinners manufactured to be eaten in front of the TV.
ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example: chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of cheese.
LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.
CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Guide cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. It's in the Bible.
CAKES WITH WRITING ON THEM: Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Charlie" or "Good Luck, Alice" in colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.
FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS: Sausages, cocktail franks, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
LEFTOVERS: An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.
FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded.

[Treats]

[princessria]

o have it on good authority that the list posted above is scientific FACT!

[Terri1985]

Love the jokes guys

[Treats]

Diets & Dying



Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[emski]

Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast

• 1/2 grapefruit
• 1 slice whole wheat toast - dry
• 8 oz skim milk

Lunch

• 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
• 1 cup steamed spinach
• 1 cup herb tea
• 1 Oreo cookie

Afternoon Snack

• Rest of the Oreos in the package
• 2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
• 1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream

Dinner

• 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
• 4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
• 3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars

Late Evening News
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer Rules For This Diet

1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
   Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
9. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
10. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
11. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
12. Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

Special Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

[Treats]

[Annie68]