For the past 20 years (I am almost 35), I feel as though my life has been all about all the things I am going to do - tomorrow, next week, on Monday, at the start of the month etc. I've started so many 'diets', 'healthy lifestyles', 'ways of life' - whatever you want to call it (I've called it everything it can possibly be called I think) and I've had some successes, including two really good successes - one with Weight Watchers in 2008, when I lost 3st 8lb (before gaining back around 3st) and one where I entered a triathlon and worked my backside off in the gym and ate healthily in 2011/12 when I lost 4st 4lb (before gaining back all of it plus another 10lb on top).
Since July 2012, my weight has crept up and up - with a few losses along the way, but always, always gaining back the losses. The truth is, as unhappy as my weight makes me, as unfit and unhealthy as it makes me feel and look, as much as it's ruined so much of the last few years of my life, including putting an enormous strain on my relationship (which is at breaking point even as I write this) - I've never finished what I have started. I went back to Weight Watchers, but didn't enjoy it. I tried Slimming World but didn't like the group, so quit. I started eating Low Carb, High Fat, but gave up after a month, even though I lose 10lb. I joined a new gym with all good intentions, but sometimes I go, sometimes I don't - no real commitment. I thought the 5:2 diet sounded good, but the fast days were too hard so I stopped. I was going to cycle to work, got a new bike and did it for a few months - then didn't like it anymore so the bike is sat in the shed, unloved and probably going rusty. I wanted to 'eat clean' which I did for awhile, then stopped. I was doing the 30-day shred but gave up after about 10 days as I got injured. There are most definitely more examples but you get the picture.
I could talk about all the reasons why I have such a hard time with diet and exercise - with finishing the things I start - and many of them, you'd possibly relate to and understand. But really, I think I finally understand that the excuses have to stop. The reasons I am the way I am, however valid or just or reasonable, don't change the fact that as a woman about to turn 35 (5 sleeps from now), I am lonely, I am lazy, I am unhappy, depressed even, I am negative, I am dysfunction...and I am the reason. It is a choice. And that isn't the same as me saying that this is what I want - because I don't want this life and I don't want this version of me. I am so disappointed with myself. I can't even begin to tell you...
It's not easy, changing your life. No-one who has ever tried it could argue with that I don't think. But nothing that is worth anything comes easy. I have choices in my life - no matter how hard they are - I can choose what I do to make my life better - I can choose how I let life affect me - I can choose how I act and react everyday. And I have to choose to stop making excuses, to stop seeing how hard it is and giving up instead of working through it, to put one foot in front of the other, take one day at a time, to see the struggles I face on any given day as a chance to change my life for the better. If I knew that tomorrow wasn't promised, wasn't certain, how would I feel about what I did today, and yesterday and how I lived my life? I'd feel regret - I'd be absolutely devastated - not because it was over, but because I'd finally realize what I was losing and I'd know it was too late to change it. But if I knew that tomorrow was promised - and we go through life assuming that it is - what would I be willing to do to make it matter? How much is my life worth? How much am I worth? That's what I need to ask myself. How much does it matter?
And you know what - it's not just about me. I have parents who worry when they go to bed at night because my weight, my physical health, my emotional health are so bad right now that they can't sleep soundly. I have friends who are not getting anything like the best of me because I have sunk so low because of my weight and everything that happens because of my weight. I have a dear, most beloved man in my life who has stood by my side for four years - has been my cheerleader - has given me his trust, his faith, his heart - and watched in pain as time after time I refused to see anything through. He is hurting because of me. He never smiles. He never laughs. He doesn't even want to come home because home is not a place where he feels he can come to relax and be happy. He tells me he loves me, surprises me with lovely weekends away, tries so hard to build us a foundation from which we can both achieve our ultimate goals in life - marriage, family, happiness - and he has to stand and watch me destroy it over and over again. I feel worthless. I feel disgusting. I feel completely and utterly incapable of dealing with life. And it all starts with one key thing - my weight. I think it's true what people say - that no-one else can ever really love you until you learn to love yourself. And when I look around at the people in my life who love me - I feel like I cannot even look them in the eyes because I am ashamed. And what is worse is that I could change this. I could be the change I need to see in my life. I could be the change the people who love me need. I could. And I haven't - because it's too hard. And I see in my boyfriends eyes the confusion - he can't understand why I won't do something to change things for both of us. But I have every excuse in the book - and I have chosen to sit here and convince myself that it's too hard. But oh my God, I need to wake up and realize what I am doing, what I am risking. I am the reason I look the way I do. I am the reason my life isn't what I want it to be. I have to break through all the negativity - years and years worth of it, layer on layer of it - it's wrapped itself around me and it's suffocating me and the people who try to love me.
I don't know if anyone reading this will understand. I don't know how many people will read it, move on, never give it a second thought - or like me until today - dismiss it because thinking about it, really thinking about it might mean having to stand up and make the choice to take the hard road and keep going instead of thinking about it, taking a few steps and then turning their back on it because it's too hard. I've been here before. I've made all the declarations - 'this is it', 'things are definitely going to be different', 'this is my last chance', 'this is the last time I'm ever going to be this big' - I've changed usernames, started new diaries, new threads thinking that somehow that'd make all the difference. I've been there and done it. And it changed nothing because I didn't change. But for me, this really is it...it's change or give in and the choices I make will make or break my life. Because I really can't keep doing this. I'm about to lose everything if I don't change anything.
So, I have to choose to have courage and conviction. I have to focus my energy on being positive and on the things I want my life to be instead of always, always focusing on the negatives; my fatness, my being unfit, the things I don't have, the way I look, feeling super sorry for myself. Because what we focus on is what we inevitably attract - I truly believe that. And it's really, really hard because my brain is so hardwired to focus on the negatives - because one way or another, that is what it has always done. I have to create an attraction and a pull towards what I want, where I want to be, what I want to be and leave the rest behind. I have to create energy. I have to stop thinking and start doing. I have got everything I need to succeed inside me. I've just got to fight myself to get to it - because I am the only person stopping me. How ironic! Psychological strength is the most powerful weapon I could ever possess - but I'm not using it right and it's destroying me. But I can change it. I am powerful beyond measure. I just need to remember that and never, ever give up. My life is in my hands and that's so powerful!
Sorry for the long post and I hope nothing I have said is taken in a negative way. I'm just rambling on - just writing what's in my heart and head. I hope you don't mind me sharing it.