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Ok so brief history....
Me and my hubby been together for 12 years (I was 19 when we met) We've had lots of ups and downs and a lot of the downs have involved alcohol.
When he gets drunk it can go either way but most often we fall out, he can get nasty (only verbal never physical) and irrational, no matter what I say its never right it goes on and on and I hate it.
Its something we have almost split up over before, but my husband is actually a good person who realises the effect alcohol can have and hardly ever drinks now and when he does he rarely drinks more than a little. But sometimes, every now and then out of the blue we'll fall out over drink again. (last time was over a year ago...to be fair)
Today he's been on a 'lad's day out', and he was picked up so he wasn't driving. I felt fine about it when I thought he was driving as I know he NEVER drinks and drives but once I knew he wasn't driving I have spent all day thinking he may drink, thinking he may come home in a state and dreading it, and..... sadly ...... eating my way through it.
Now, in defence of my poor husband whose business I have just spilled out on a website for the purpose of my own therapy.... He's a good person, a good husband and a wonderful Daddy! He is kind, generous and loving and tries! We have done pretty well I think after 12 years, we still have love, laughter, and lust (regardless of my size too). We have complete trust too so we do have a great realationship together. We have each other a wonderful daughter, a nice place to live and a nice lifestyle so you could say we've pretty much got it all!
He has phoned me a short while ago, and is completely innocent of all my bad thoughts today, it doesn't sound like he's had a drink and if he has its been one or 2 as he sounds completely sober and they are already on their journey home.
For some reason though, although I know he is unlikely to jeopardize his life with us, whenever there is a 'risk' of drinking I just can't shake the discomfort it brings me. I know we have gone for long periods in the past where things have been great only to have one massive 'alcohol' related episode again. The thing is though what does the poor guy have to do? He is already doing all the right things and I wouldn't want to turn him into some one who couldn't step out the door without me beside him to make sure he behaves.
These things are in our past, they are our history. We came through those things and chose to stay together and we get on better than ever, we have grown up through it. So why can't I forget it totally and move on? I need to consign these things to a box and forget about them and worry about them only if they actually happen again, instead of the 'maybe they will worry' I've had today.
I have allowed my unfounded fears to get in the way as I have eaten all sorts of rubbish today and it wasn't just an excuse I have been genuinely unsettled all day. At the end of the day I need to find other ways to deal with these stresses, but more importantly I need to find a way to stop some stress because in actual fact some things exist now only in my memory.
Anyway, at the end of the day, diet wise many things HAVE changed. Already I have resolved to eat nothing else today except perhaps a foodpack at bedtime, whereas any time in history the 'diet wagon' would be allowed to head off into the distance without me even caring about trying to get back on. I have achieved plenty and am already the lightest I have been in my adult life, and the slimmest my husband has seen me hee hee. All is by far not lost.
I just felt I would like to spill this all out. I like to tell a story this way, it seems to help me think things over. If anyone would like to respond with any comments feel free, but its therapy in itself just writing it down for me!.
Mags
xxx
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