Thread: Imagine if i wasn't fat

I need to rant. I need to vent and get it out of my system.

My ex-landlord texted today, to say that he would need to deduct from my deposit money to clean stains out of teh carpet. and that he was away on hols and couldn't deal with it til next monday

Firstly how unprofessional, this is abusiness arrangemnet and you do not send a text like that and leave it for a week.

Secondly what a heep of crap- I replied "Absolutely Not". Explained that I had cleaned the apartment when I moved in 2 years ago- it had been a mess (and obv he had not checked before last person moved out- i.e. stains could be hers)
I left it spotless leaving (barr the oven, as he had not cleaned it for me coming in)

I put a tablecloth on teh table, seatcovers, and a throw on the couch, protecting them (Actually more to look good- but did protect them 2!) and moved the rug to the main carpet as it was very worn, and thats where most activity took place (not much carpet in teh palce- mostly wood)

I am utterly raging at him, I was a fantastic tenant for 2 years. ink I'm actually very hurt 2.

I have just watched SATC the movie. After Big jilts her at the alter, that's when I fall in love with it. I've never had a great love, and yet I know that feeling of rejection. Am I alone in this?

I love the scene where Carrie rushes to Miranda in time for New Years and says "You are not alone". I think those are the best 4 words ever. I don't mean in the romantic sense. Right now, I feel I would be quite fine staying single. However, I do think that by the time you're 60 you may need someone, but maybe there will be a 60 year old man for me then!!

Watching SATC series- Carrie in France, seeing the Eiffel tower and being so happy- would anyone else been able to share that? Sometimes as we sit in front of an open fire (as I am now!) or walk along a beautiful beach (yesterday!) we imagine having a loved person beside us, but you know what? I don;t think a 30 year old man would appreciate, let alone be able to share how beautiful these experiences are.

I have realised something else. I think I would be happy if my contract ended in 3 weeks. (currently there is an appeal from my Department to keep me for another 6 months) I could take the redundancy adn start somehting new. I think its time for me to move, and I know I am too scared to jump. A good shove out the door with a small pot of redundancy pay may help me see where my next step should be. I its time for something different, to take a risk, to see what this life has in store next. How exciting and how scary!

I made another discovery- love songs on bbc2 is available on the iplayer- class! reception in my new p[lace is dodgy adn I haven;t been here to hear it recently- but here it is on a wet Tuesday evening and I ma getting my dose of Sunday feel good sounds!!


So moving on to the title of my entry. At a thing last week, I said I wish I knew what I want to be when I grew up. Two of my role models replied. One said, I hope you never grow up to find out, that there is so much more enjoyment in not.
The other said that she concentrates, not on what but on who she wants to be. Every day she decides who she wants to be.

This really struck with me. When I think about being fat and binge eating, I know there are days in my head that I am fat and these are days when I get fatter. There are days I am not fat in my head, these days I eat well and exercise.

people, do you know who it is you want to be?

Who do I want to be? I want to be happy, I want to help other ppl be happy, be the best they can be, I want to love (not just the romantic kind), I want to connect with my world. I wnat to be intelligent! I want to be kind. How can I be this???

I am just out of a hydro pool- for those of you who don't know what that is- its like a tall bath tub, filled with cold water with added bath salts to work on ur muscles, u stand up in it and the jets are turned on.

I am freezing
I am in bed with my clothes on and still shaking. The blood is very slowly returning to my body.

It was the weirdest experience ever- apparently its better than massage on ur muscles and after being to teh gym TWICE already today I thought it would be a good idea.
Still shaking here!!!

I'd prefer the massage!!!

I'm obese and I ran 20km in 2.5 hrs.

Let that show all those who think fat means lazy.

I did throw up after and I am now lying in bed instead of out in a oub.

This is off topic but something that is in my heart today. I live a short distance from Derry. I have grown up with Bloody Sunday, the legacy. Today is abig day. I am Catholic, from a mixed community, with many friends from a unionist perspective. It is not about vengeance, but that the truth is out, that innocent people have been exhonorated, gives me hope. It reminds me of what is important, and how grateful I should be for the life I lead- at peace, free from fear for my very safety.
In war, truth is the first victim.

Ok so it is twenty weeks to go until the New York Marathon.
26.2 miles and €1000 of fundraising.

Some people do Atkins, some Slimming World, Xenical, Alli or Weight Watchers. I am doing Marathon. Its got some great food- I eat often and healthy, plenty of carbs and protein and those vital fats, but I do need to reduce dairy and caffeine before runs. Exercise is definately tougher than on those other plans. I run 4/5 times a week, do a spin class and 2 weight sessions. I ma running around 25 miles right now, adn in teh next few weeks that is going to grow a lot.

This diet suits those who are fed up looking at their weight, who wants to accomplish something big and maybe slightly a glory hunter!

It may turn out to be for the criminally insane.

Today I clocked up 5.4miles with my new training buddy Jo. It took us under the one hour mark and I am truly impressed- to the point i wonder if it really was 5.4 miles.
I'm glad I ran, after 4 days of in Northern Norway (half way between Norwegian mainland and North Pole!) I needed a kick start again.

20 weeks and one big dream. Can I achieve the greatest goal ever? I am so confident that I will make it, I am willing it from the very essence of my soul. If I, the fat girl all my life can run a marathon, then I am not lazy, I am not stupid, but powerful and athletic. If I the fat girl, can run a marathon, than anything is possible. ANYTHING.

And dreams coming true is bigger than any weight loss.

Well, to ease my inner critic, I went and clocked the route- not 5.4 but 4.8- should I tell my ruuning mate who always runs it and had clocked it at over half a mile further? On the plus isde, my 7 mile route form last week turned out to be 7.6- yeahhhhhhh! so all balanced out.

I now have, from my house, (close enough to) a 4 miler, a 5 miler, a 6 miler, a 7 miler, and an 11 mile. Not bad.

What are you struggling to surrender?

Hi- I love reading your diary, and I'm absolutely sure you will make it!

I got on the scales this morning, just like every Tuesday. I considered going to teh gym first but figured that was cheating, that this morning's gym counts towards next week's weight.

Stepping on I wondered if I'd dropped some more overnight, being 12 7 last night after giving blood. Now do not worry I am not getting extreme, I give blood about 3 times a year, when the mobile service visits my town.

I had accepted I would have gained, having enjoyed pick n mix and chocolate and a 3 course meal and lots of bread while I was away. I was ok with it.

So I am absolutely delighted to be 12 5 again- I have STAYED THE SAME! How did that happen? With just one run and a blood donation I am back down to my same weight. WOW!

I do love it when my body does good stuff all by itself. I have to admit though, taking the focus of weight loss and putting it on running has really helped me. How can I despise my body when it keeps going for 2 and a half hours around beautiful trails in the forest or goes a little faster on 16 laps around the track? Yes I have fat thights but those fat thighs push my legs harder and harder on those 400m sprints. My stomach looks like a man's beer belly but when I put teh right stuff in it gives my body that little extra energy to make those runs a little easier.

Well done body, and well done on STS!

Heya, congrats on sts
You have a really inspirational blog, you're doing amazingly.
That marathon is a pretty motivating thing to have kicking you in the ass!
Best wishes!

Awesome diary Kellie. You have a great sense of humour, honesty and you are tenacious. Congratulations on your achievements so far and there is no question that you will not make it. You are on your way already. Go for it girl

I put off my interval run this morning, and did it at 3.30 instead- the joy of a day off. Now, please understand I love running, I really do, once i'm out the door. I don;t know when in the past 4 months this happened, but now that its here, I hope this new love will remain.

But interval training means going fast then slow then fast and slow and on and on and on. I refuse to say I hate it, because that would put me off it forever so I just suck it up. I am built for comfort, not for speed.

When I arrived, it was hot. maybe 4 laps in, i knew I'd eated too much today- i could feel my rice and stirfry filling my stomach it was awful!my lap 11, a fast lap, it was hurting and I had to take a break. I started thinking, ok sure thats 3 miles, thats enough, and then I thought another slow lap, ok now try a fast one again- i finished my planned routine and did 4 miles! I was delighted!!!

That was a real test tonight of mind over matter ; and i did it.

There's times in life that when things are getting you down, you have to walk away. But there are times, when, if you keep going, pushing that little harder, even slowly, you will get through; and the view on the other side is pretty darn cool.

Thursay Restday.
It is fantastic waking up knowing that today, I rest. No running, no spinning, no strength building. My legs feel a little tired- I did 8 miles last night, and also managed to tidy my room, the sitting room and the car. This was important to note, as household chores have been ignored in this new regime, and I need to spend another good few hours on my lovely home.

So I got up at my usual time of half 6, and I've had half a smoothie-and that was enough! I'm lying back in bed with the news on, and it is bliss. And this evening? hmm what shall I do?

Soing nothing seems a bit like a waste, so what can I do that maximises my evening off and doesn't leave me feeling lazy......

I get 2 rest days a week, and they are just amazing. There is nothing like feeling you have worked hard for 2 days of doing nothing! Its the same with everything we do I suppose.

At work, at home, the feeling after you are done with the task, or all the tasks! that feeling of accomplishment and reward is second to none. Its like saving your syns/ points for that Saturday meal out. Tough to do but so worth it when we get this one opportunity to relax and go with the flow! No excuse to pig out though!

What ended up happening with your job? Hope you enjoy today!