Thread: Imagine if i wasn't fat

I've been fat all my life.

No, that's not true, of my 6 siblings, I was born the smallest.at 28 years old, i've been teh heaviest since I was 8 years old. That's 20 years too many. I don't know why. My mum said i hated walking home from school. I know i prefered tv and books to games and sports. Maybe it became a cycle,my putting on weight making me want to saty in adn comfort eat. When i was a teenager i used to eat gigantic bowls of cornflakes for supper. I can't remember over eating a lot but I must have.

In a diary from when i was 11, in a notebook i won at school, i write about wanting a pair of jeans and my mum taking me to buy some. It was very hard to get a pair that fit, and of course they had to be turned up. I was fat and short. I started dieting then, always failing.

When i look back, I wonder what kind of person would I have been if I hadn't been fat. Its a scary thought.

Today I'm training for a marathon. i'm still fat, I'm choosing to live life rather than ignore it. Imagine if I could go back to the 11 year old me and tell her about me. Tell her that one day a man will tell her she is beautiful and sexy, that she will be in a job she loves, she will ahve great friends, adn that she is running a marathon. Do you think it would have saved tears adn heartache, and perhaps, stopped the vicious cycle of diet and weight gain?


So what would the older me tell the current me? Imagine if i wasn;t fat now, how would i live my life? In this mindset, I'm going to keep a diary of the next 8 months. Its just for me, but if anyone else wants to help me out or give me advice or just read my ramblings, please do.

And if any of you have 11 year olds who think they are fat, please tell them they are beautiful. often. and mean it.

This week I have 3 lbs on. Not a shocker considering Thursday to Sunday I was eating a lot and not exercising at all (working). Isn't it amazing how quickly I cna put it on?

I have made a decision. I am not going to stress it. I am back running(at 8pm last night which is a rarity for me) and in the gym this morning. I have porridge cooking as I write this. Thin people put a little weight on and take it off all the time.

I know myself when I think like a fat person, I am a lazy, idle loafer. I think it doesn't matter if I don't go out and sit at home and eat- sure I'm fat anyway. Chinese, ice-cream, pizza, bread, pasta, popcorn, chocolate. I slob around and watch tv, dvd boxsets of friends or sex and the city or the west wing.

If i wasn't fat, I would not waste my time sitting in vegetating.

If I was thin today, I would get up, exercise and then put my make -up on. I'd have a good healthy breakfast. And I'd hit the beach- its looking (fingers crossed) like a beautiful day and I can study on a beautiful beach as well as my kitchen table. I'd say hello to people, not avoid them.

If I was thin, I'd wear a swimsuit and walk in the sunshine across the beach. I live in a gorgeous sea side village, where many have bough holiday homes. I have it for free, so I may as well get good use out of it.

If my thoughts- affect my feelings -affect my behaviour, then I can change my life around my interrupting one of those. The easiest way to dfo this is to write it. It is re-reading old diaries telling me I'm fat that breaks my heart, so I'm going to do it the other way. I'll concentrate on the good stuff and imagine I wasn't fat.

Today could be a really good day.

I think I' a very odd person.

Today I had a wonderful day. I lay outside in the sun. I played with my nieces. Ate out with my sister and walked the beach. Met a friend for a walk tonight. And studied for my exam on Friday. I was happy.

And yet, I'm now feeling really low. I feel like a sadness has just crept over me and I'm trying to work it out. Usually I just fall into this pit, maybe with some ice cream or carbs (like pasta and pesto and cheese- yum).

Tonight, I'm trying to suss it out.

I'm movng from my beloved apartment next weekend. 12 days and I will no longer live here. I decided to ahnd in my notice because friends of mine are trying to rent their house but they have no takers. They offered it to me for 6 months at 220 less than this place. And given that I may be reduntant soon enough, I can't turn that down.

My apartment has been my home for 2 years. It is full of my stuff. It is full of memories. I thought if I won the lotto I would buy it. It felt like mine.

I will honestly miss this place so much. I feel like I beliong here.

hmmmmm.

Maybe sometimes thin people feel sad saying goodbye too.

I had an exam today, and as it is very far away, I stayed with my sister yesterday and studied there. I headed out for a walk, and started running. I ran 10km, the route she and I ran 2 years ago as part of the 10k run there. I was delighted- it was blazing heat and I had no water but I did it and did it quite comfortably. My legs hurt, but hurt less than before. I can feel myself getting fitter!

Step by step....
My plan is to concentrate on speed ttrainign between now and the 10k race on My 2nd- 2 weeks to go!!


I thought this would be a hard week given that I'm studying and when i was in college I always munched when studying but I've actually exercised more (prefer exercise to study-how things change). I've ran Monday, wednesday adn thursday, walked twice on Tuesday, done spin and circuits, and body conditioning. I'm happy with me week!

Wow, a good week. Now for a good (nad healthy) weekend.....

Love your story! I will certainly be reading your diary if you are posting it on here! x

Its Saturday morning and I am awake drinking lemon and ginger tea. One of the things I did to help me keep up the gym in the morning is to always awake at the same time- around half six ish, regardless of whether it is a rest day. That way I know i'll not be too tired to get up adn its working- I am always awake. Even if I'm not gyming it, it is fabulous to take 2 hours before work for some serious me time!
This morning I stayed in bed to half 7, which for me is a sleep in. And then I sneekily weighed myself (WI is tuesday) and I am down to 13 stone! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I was supposed to be that by the 4th April and wasn't, so here's hoping (not that hope ever achieved anything by itself) that it stays off to the official WI!

During the week, a girl I think is gorgeous- as in beautiful person plus perfect figure complained about putting on 3 lbs over the weekend, despite doing 3 5mile runs. She was raging with herself. While I didn't add "so did I" I did say to her that 3lbs over a weekend is nothing and could be off in a week
when it goes on that fast. Learning to self: don't kick yourself for putting on 3 lbs, thin girls can do it too even when they are trying hard.

I have a wedding to go to this evening, adn I still don;t know what to wear. I am looking a little better in my clothes, but I still ahve not had the need to throw any, (barr the ones I should never have bought cos they're hideous regardless of whether I'm fat or not). I can't wait until I go back to the attic and route out the box marked "skinny clothes". Its been 3-4 years since i was skinny (at that i was 11 stone, so not quite skinny) and I hope to get their again before the end of summer......

Anyway the wedding. i decided not to bring anyone- who would i ask? plus it means not needing to mind anyone, and be free and open to meet others. My best mate is bridesmaid, adn I'm friends with all her sisters BUT will they be free for me to hang around with? So weeeeee bit concerned. On the up side I am getting my hair done- Hair and shoes, the fat girl's best friends!

Oh big event last night (my life is limited!) - i was having an extra treat after dinner- I'd had salmon and noodles which i feel is super healthy (I was in WW before and so i can calculate the points value of everything years later!) so I had crackers with nutella- I was bold and made 5 but I could only eat half. this may not sound like much, but trust me, my leaving half my food behind me is massive. It really is what a thin me would do.......

Hi Kellie, just popped in to say well done so far on your weight loss, and on getting your head in the right place. We can do this!

KB x

Saturday evening and I'm half ready to head to an evening wedding reception. My hair is done, my dress is ready, and yet i feel like i'd prefer to sit here and watch sex and the city adn drink wine. I shall not let a good hairdo go to waste however.

I ate a big dinner, it was beautiful- chicken curry a la jamie oliver. But why did i have to eat so much of it. Overall I don't mind'cos I barely had time to eat today, but still pot belly is not a good look before big night out.

Do thin girls analyse their food intake like this? actually yes they do! My sister told me about a very skinny girl who refused to go out last week cos she felt bloated. Oh good, now I don't feel so bad, and as we felt when we heard that, I will go out. Bloated is no reason to let life pass me by. My friends are waiting, my life is waitng. Ok I've picked myself up, time to start the make-up.

Have a great night out.

The morning after the night before. It was a nice night, probably the wedding at which I knew the least people but did a lot of dancing, and enough drinking (wine).
So I came home and think i texted every male in my phone- Why???? and surprisingly the boxer texted back- first time in a very very very long time, and a very interesting and maybe slightly naughty conversation ensued. He's like marla- I don't know what to make of him........

OMG , the boxer has just left. We had some very nice texts today adn eventually (i don't know who started the conversation in this way) he called around, his stomach is more ribbed than last year!! Hot stuff indeed. SO we had a few nice kisses and hugs and talked. He actually opened up about something very personal. AAAAAAHHHHH what a great way to spend a sunny afternoon!

He actually had his hand on my stomach. My fat lumpy bumpy stomach. And did not pull away in disgust. Wow. I wonder what he makes of my fatness, given his physique (he works out like 6 times a week and works as a coach too). Ah bliss. There is nothing more therapeutic than touch!

I love your diary!! Excellent!

As i sit and savour the last of my Sunday evening, grinning from ear to ear from the lovin received earlier, I'm watching the Sex and the City movie. Samantha put on 15lbs and it was a big deal. 15 lbs- Big Deal. I love Jennifer Hudson in this, she has a massive presence and its utterly beautiful- probably the character that I would most like to be.

What is happiness about, cos I'm quite certain its not about being fat or thin, rather more of how we feel and respond to being fat or thin?

If life is created of the little things, the small things that make it all worthwhile the smile from a stranger, a phonecall from a friend, finding a tenner in your jeans pocket (especially the jeans that fit again after you lost a stone) is there a way that I can help create these moments rather than leave them up to fate? Can I happy- proof my life?

Thinking of this afternoon, I know it is highly unlikely anything will happen between me and Boxerboy. It didn't before and nothing has changed, well not on my side anyway. I wanted more, but actually never told him I wanted more. So should I avoid him to escape hurt? I don't think so. If I can accept that the spontaneous meet this afternoon was just that- a one off, I can enjoy the moment for what it was. Instead of building in expectations, especially those that are the socially conditioned ones, I want to learn to savour those chance meets and opportunities when they happen, be that an afternoon with a beautiful man, an occasional slice of cake shared with a friend over lunch, a late night on a work night just to catch up with someone.

Instead of analysing, reflecting and worrying, I'd like to just enjoy.

Great diary good luck on yor weight loss journey

So back at work after a very relaxing study week. I took the 2 students out to lunch, had massive but yummy lunch myself and after the run this evening, just had a yoghurt and banana, cos I wasn;t really hungry. I'm hungry now but its 10pm so I can just wait! That may be bad but I don;t care. Its very rare for me, and what is teh point in eating just before bed.

Definately feeling fitter, we did the same run we did about 6 weeks ago, the first time our team ran together, but this time we did it twice! and instead of huffing and puffing, i was pushing it. Now, i was the slowest out of the 4 that turned up (where the hell was everyone tonight?!), but i allowed them the satisfaction I have when I know i'm not last, and I managed to push myself closer to them but the last time around they did get a good bit ahead. On Boxerboy's advice I took a hot bath after to relax the muscles (unusual for a man to tell a woman to go for a hot bath) and it was very very good.

Tonight, and over the past couple of weeks, I keep asking ppl how I can run faster. It hit me. If i was as light as they were I could go faster. I'm running with 13 stone of weight, some of them are running with 8 or 9, 10 max i'd say. I'm by far the heaviest. if i wasn't as fat....This is not a moan, this is just stating logistics. We all need to analyse our runs so this is my learning. I will not beat myself up. All i can do is deal with what I have.

And this is a good thing. It gives me hope. I'm losing about half a stone a month on average i figure. So by November, I could possibly (taking into account a reduced loss as I become lighter) realistically be 10 stone, running with 42 lbs less and so quicker....That's over quarter of my body weight- could that make me 25% faster??? sounds good to me. (i do love my calculations)

And when I do the marathon, I want every fat teenager to know, fat ppl can be very very fit too.

WI tomorrow morning................