Thread: Blimp to Bombshell: RawrGirl's Weight Loss Diary

Welcome back! Missed seeing you around here

Originally Posted by lookingforme

What a total nightmare...that was alot of money to hand over with no proof that you owed the debit.

Good work with the healthy living hope laptop gets fixed sounds like an exspensive month!

Welcome back :-)
X

Yes, it was. Argh. But it's good to be back. Thanks for dropping in!

Originally Posted by tweekedgirl

Welcome back! Missed seeing you around here

Thanks! Glad to be back!

Ok, so mother-in-law sent RawrGirl the pic from Christmas 2009 when she was at her heaviest, but once again, she is hiding from the camera, so there is no full shot. Grrr.



And here is one from a 2010 New Year's Party a few weeks later.



What's really ironic is these next pics are of me 10 pounds lighter -- but as a bridesmaid I couldn't hide from the camera, so you finally you get to see the "real" RawrGirl. These are at 162. So imagine another 10 pounds here, and that is RawrGirl at her blimpiest.

Well, this past weekend was RawrGirl's once-a-month "treat", and while she did not binge, she did eat more than she had wanted.

Original Caloric Goal was:

Friday: 2000 (pizza)

Saturday: 1500

Sunday: 1500 (usually 1200, but Prince Charming had off, so another night of drinks, hehe)

Total: 5000

I was not supposed to eat surgery foods or binge just because I was out of Ketosis from the pizza, and while I didn't, I still choose some foods Sat and Sun that are normally off limits, such as 1/2 cup of mac and cheese on Saturday and fried foods, an inch brownie square, and 1/4 a chocolate chip muffin . *sigh* Anyway...


Actual Caloric Count:

Friday: 1702

Saturday: 1739

Sunday: 2115 - 300 = 1815

Total: 5256 (actually consumed 5556, but she intentionally burned 300 off Sunday on the elliptical). So 256 over. RawrGirl guesses that's not too bad, but she was really trying to test her resolve to see how she will do over the holidays. RawrGirl has been known to put on 20 pounds over Christmas week!

On a happy note, both Saturday and Sunday morning, the measuring tape still showed waist at slightly below 30 (29 3/4), so RawrGirl was quite happy to discover that when at goal, she can eat carbs without immediately bloating with so much water that her new outfit will no longer fit half way through the evening!

Oh I so missed you on here, it's great to have you back. I'm even taking a break from food porn (Adam Richman's Amazing Eats, Pork Special *drool*) to post here, and you know that must be an honour if i'm sacrificing food porn for you

I actually think you look great in those pics! You make a really beautiful bridesmaid. One thing I notice though, you can tell from your expression in each photo that you're not comfortable with yourself. At the end of the day it doesn't matter if I (or anyone else) thinks you look fab (which you do pretty lady!) if you don't feel it. Mr. McFatterson tells me I look great no matter my weight but that doesn't make me feel any better because I hate the way I look. Maybe it makes me shallow but I know I'm much happier when I'm slimmer. Being richer would be nice too but I shouldn't be greedy...! X

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins

Got to say you don't look comfortable in those pics and tbh I think a lot of it is the dresses fault! You can't put girls with boobs in high round neck full fabric bodices like that.

Originally Posted by squishymcfatterson

Oh I so missed you on here, it's great to have you back. I'm even taking a break from food porn (Adam Richman's Amazing Eats, Pork Special *drool*) to post here, and you know that must be an honour if i'm sacrificing food porn for you

Wow! RawrGirl is very honoured!!! And she missed her friend, Squishy, too!

Originally Posted by squishymcfatterson

I actually think you look great in those pics! You make a really beautiful bridesmaid.

RawrGirl does not agree. She felt horrid and ugly.

However, RawrGirl did feel pretty in her own wedding pics...she will share them next.

Originally Posted by squishymcfatterson

One thing I notice though, you can tell from your expression in each photo that you're not comfortable with yourself. At the end of the day it doesn't matter if I (or anyone else) thinks you look fab (which you do pretty lady!) if you don't feel it. Mr. McFatterson tells me I look great no matter my weight but that doesn't make me feel any better because I hate the way I look. Maybe it makes me shallow but I know I'm much happier when I'm slimmer. Being richer would be nice too but I shouldn't be greedy...! X

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins

Prince Charming says that all the time too. RawrGirl doesn't agree...but it does make her feel better, as he is rather convincing, hehe. And RawrGirl does not think that is shallow...she thinks it's normal to feel confident when one knows they look their best.

Originally Posted by largerthanmost

You can't put girls with boobs in high round neck full fabric bodices like that.

I totally agree, but the bride (RawrGirl's sister) believes even a hint of cleavage is evil. *sigh*

RawrGirl likes about 1/3 of her wedding pics, which was way more than she thought she would. She was hoping for 5, maybe 10. When she first got them back from photographer, she was actually pretty devastated because all she saw were the ones she didn't like. It took her a few months of not looking at them at all, to be able to go back and look again, and realize there were quite a few that she actually thought she looked quite pretty in.

So here are a few of her favorites. She is approx 153 here. She is also wearing a corset, false eyelashes, and hair extensions.



This last one is photoshopped -- RawrGirl smoothed out the smile "bags" under her eyes, and shaved off a bit from the side of her face so it looked thinner (and not chubby like the ones above).



RawrGirl had a fairy tale themed wedding. Music was played from Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. Instead of the tables being numbered, there was a Cinderella table with a glass slipper, a Snow White table marked with a half-eaten apple, a Sleeping Beauty table with a toy wooden spinning wheel, etc. The frustrating part though, was she could only afford to rent the "castle" (huge stone mansion with extensive gardens) for little more than 3 hours, so everything was VERY rushed. All the decorations and stuff (except for the table markers) were plastic, she made the food herself, the flowers were all fake, etc. She was very disappointed as it was say vows, eat, kick everyone out, clean up. *sigh* O well. But she got what she wanted -- pics outside the "castle" that would last a life time.

OMG - you look stunning. Real fairytale stuff. And who cares if it was 3 hours when you got your happily ever after. x
Got to say you are hard on yourself - not saying it's not a bad thing to tough love yourself sometimes but cut yourself some slack ... really.

A few weeks ago, while RawrGirl was happily playing on Minimins, she started considering writing a book on her 12 week weight loss journey if she made it to her goal. It would be written in third person, and was supposed to be a fun and quirky memoir.

Then, she realized how ridiculously short that would be, and that she should go back to 2009 when she met Prince Charming (online) and gained weight to quit smoking for him. She also wanted to include some body image issues she's deal with.

But as she started going through her diaries, she realized that so much of her weight and body image struggles over the years really stem back to her childhood, and are more entwined with the emotional and religious abuse she suffered from her father that she had ever realized. So she then decided she would go back to 2002. She also realized it will deal more with shame and religious abuse than weight loss. And while she is somewhat excited about the prospect of finally being free from all the toxic secrets she's held in for so long, and kept from other's, to preserve her father's "good" name, she realizes that 1) he is dead and 2) she is the one living under shame that isn't even hers. At the same time, it rehashes alot of stuff that she'd rather not think about. So it's been a very emotionally taxing week (she started typing up diary entries this past week while not having internet).

RawrGirl is thinking of naming it Exposed: A memoir. She's just not sure if she should add to that, such as:

Exposed: A memoir of one girl's 10 year struggle to free herself from religious abuse

Exposed: A memoir of religious abuse and shame

Exposed: A memoir of shame, dieting, and self-acceptance

Any suggestions?

So far, I've organized it into 3 parts.

Part 1 is all the core beliefs RawrGirl holds true (regardless of that fact that she intellectually knows they are not true, yet her soul still believes them, and she reacts to any given circumstance as though they are)...and the childhood event or teaching that taught her they were true.

Part 2 is diary entries from 2002-2008. This covers her worst body image days, the events that led her to go Goth, discovering she had a shame-core and going into a 12-step emotional recovery group, and ending relationships that were not healthy.

Part 3 is diary entries from 2009-2012. These are much more lighthearted and covers meeting Prince Charming, her mountain range weight loss (as seen in her signature), and (hopefully) finally reaching goal on Minimins and maybe even conquering her body image demons.

In the next post or so, RawrGirl will give examples, and you all can tell her if you think this is a worthwhile pursuit. Thanks!

Ok, so this is a rough idea of how RawrGirl plans to open her memoir. If anyone is interested, she'd love to know if it's something you (if you read weight loss memoirs) would continue reading:

I grew up in a very rigid, fundamental Christian home, with a father who believed in dictatorial child rearing. During my teen years, he was also a pastor. To this day, it is hard for me to vocalize what happened as there was no one solitary event or act of concrete abuse that I can point to and succinctly sum up for someone why I am the way I am, why I react the way I react, why I believe the way I believe. My story is more of a series of events, sometimes unrelated, sometimes interconnected, of how a man in a position of authority set out to psychologically destroy me...and did so with such success that I would later be told by the man who had baptized me that I exhibited the symptoms of a rape victim.

Years later, I would discover that it is possible for extreme emotional abuse to inflict its victim with the same symptoms of those who were physically or sexually abused. But at the time, I could barely say more than, “My dad yells at me.” This response was often met with a raised brow as if to say, what kid doesn’t get yelled at by their parents?

What I didn’t, or couldn’t, verbalize was that at any given time of day I could walk into the house and my dad would take one look at me and fly into a rage, backing me into a corner, slamming his fist in the wall beside my head, his face inches from mine, his eyes bloodshot with fury, his face pink beneath the thin spots of his beard, screaming that the house was a mess, that a parishioner could come unannounced at any time, that I knew the house must be perfect at all times, and not like a pig sty, and that all he ever asked was for peace and quiet and a clean house so he could go down into his basement office and write his sermons.

Sometimes the trigger was the house. Sometimes it was because I smelt of cigarettes. Sometimes it was because I listened to a rock song. Sometimes it had nothing to do with me. My mother once answered my grandmother's question, "How is Jack?" "Fine, until Jaime walks into the room." But it was always the same...always the rage, always backing me into a corner, screaming until I cried.

One time, I decided I would not cry. That I would hold my ground. And so I did. I stood there, staring back as expressionless as I could. I tried so hard not to back away from him, but he got so in my face that I soon felt the kitchen counter behind me. But I refused to back down. I stood there, absorbing every scream like a blow, without flinching. This time it wasn’t just an outburst against me. My brother and sister were also there. I think he was raging about how the kitchen wasn’t as clean as he wanted. I remember him going over to the trash can and yelling about how it hadn’t been taken out, then picking it up and dumping it all over the floor, then raging about how there was trash everywhere.

Then, as always, he told us that it was our fault that he was angry, and thanked us for making him so riled up when he needed to be doing the “work of God.” He then turned and stormed down the basement steps, slamming the door behind him.

I remember the sigh of relief, not just that it was over, but that I had remained strong. For the first time ever, I had not cried. I hadn’t let him break me. Trembling, I asked my brother and sister if they were all right, when suddenly the basement door burst open and he flew at me, so fast and furious, screaming in my face again, that I had no time to emotionally prepare and instantly burst into tears.

Almost at once, he finished his rant and went back downstairs.

He’d never done that before. He’d never come back a second time. Every other time, he’d raged until his rage had been spent. But not this time.

Evidently, his anger would not wane unless he broke me.

Omg, that's deep. I've never experienced anything like that but I do find writing so healing. I think it's amazing that you're doing it.

And can I just say you look absolutely STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL in your wedding dress. Like a princess. You're soooooo pretty! X

Wow, you have a fantastic talent for writing and Faith is right, it's a very healing process so keep it up. It wasn't pleasant to read though, and i'm so sorry for what you've gone through. How ironic that a man who considered himself so religious could act so ungodly towards his own children. By the way, is your name Jaime?! That is my daughter's name, same spelling and everything. It's considered very unusual here and it's always been my favourite girls' name!

You looked absolutely stunning on your wedding day. Flawless. The last pic took my breath away, it could be straight from a bridal magazine! I have no doubt that you will look like that again very soon.

Great to have you back here. Xxx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins