I’m a binge eater. I don’t want to be, mind you. And sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m perfectly normal. It’s a deceitful feeling, those moments – days or weeks uncontrolled by food. Each time I believe I’m cured. This is it – that elusive it - I’ve been healthy for a couple of weeks and beaten the food cravings, I’ll never break or go back to bad old habits again. But I do – I always do! It’s not the binge eating that’s the bad habit; it’s the pattern. Binge-eat, feel repulsed, build a determination to stop, eat strictly and healthily for a few weeks, then rinse and repeat.
I suck at prolonged health. Pinches of it, sure, but forever? Normal, full-time healthy habits? What are those and where do you buy them? I envy people who can have a piece of chocolate without it sparking a craving for more, or who respond to stress by punching a pillow rather than curling up against that pillow and mindlessly stuffing their face until that stress goes away. Well, not away, really. Hidden. Behind the stomach pain and other not-so pleasant feelings: guilt, repulsion, all of the etceteras. Those feelings aren’t great either but they are great at distracting from... well, life. Whatever in life has upset me or I want t put off dealing with.
See, I’m all self-reflecty. I can see my life’s bad patterns. I know my triggers: stress, fatigue, self-pity, the desire to distract. I realise this but I just can’t seem to stop. And I don’t know why – that’s where my self-reflection hits a wall. A big brick one. Why can’t I stop? Why can’t I lead a normal life and have a normal relationship with food?
I take some comfort (“comfort” isn’t the right word –“immense fear”?) in the fact that binge eating is on the rise. So much so that it’s now classified as an eating disorder. At least that means it’s not just me? What is it about food and society that can make the relationships so twisted? Maybe because if we find ourselves in a bad relationship, we can’t just cut food out – go cold turkey on the addiction – on account of the whole...need food to live thing.
Bad food habits are complicated!
So I need help. And I’m reaching out to the web. It’s something new for me – writing about my binge eating. I’ve tried to tackle it on my own – gotten really good at doing so after every binge: all down with the health foods and portion control and good food/bad food list creations. But I break every time and that cycle repeats. I need to break the habit of breaking, and I’m hoping trying something new – writing about it, talking with other dieters – will help. Perhaps keep me accountable if answering to more than just that berating voice in my head. Hopefully.
- I want to lose roughly 10 kilograms.
So, here I go... Diary of a Binge Eater.