~ The Journey From Rock Bottom Diary ~
After 20 years of over-eating, emotional binging, low moods, being bullied at school and by family members about my weight and a verbally abusive ex-husband that made my sagging self-esteem hang even lower...I have been left with the belief that diets don't work for me; that I am a fat failure and the three stone of excess fat that I am carrying is the total sum of me. I am just that... a living embodiment of 'fat.'
The excess weight is only part of my baggage... but it is the visible evidence that I am not and have not been living my life to the full. I don't like holidays, social events, family get-together's, nights out, nights in, parent's evenings, shopping trips, sex... anything where people have to look at me. The part of my mind that lives in fear of constant rejection screams... 'They are judging you as the fat waster that has no self-discipline.' So I quickly convince myself... I hate these occasions with a passion…anything that takes me outside of the non-judgmental security of my four walls.
The thing is... I know deep down on the inside that I am a social butterfly that wants nothing more than to spread her wings and learn to fly; I love the thought of being able to walk into a room... a party... an event.... a shop...and not feel ugly and fat. I don’t have to feel stunningly beautiful… just acceptable; normal; slim.
I am now the grand age of 38... and I have had enough. I no longer want be the fat sister (as my sister has called me); the chubby wife (as the Ex called me); the mother that wobbles as she walks; the insecure overweight fat mess (that I have called myself)...I am not one for swearing but I have f**king had enough. I've hit rock bottom... there must be more in this life than being fat and medicating the self loathing with food... surely?
I've spent years crying and screaming... sulking... moping... contemplating ending it all (albeit briefly... I could never leave my children) and I really have reached the point of no return; rock bottom. For me it’s either being a success, losing weight and living a life… or carry on over-eating due to uncomfortable emotions and then morbid obesity followed by death... dying after a life only half lived. Many people could only dream about having what I have… an able body; two loving children; living in a wealthy First world country where your dreams are very obtainable… the world is an open book to me and I haven’t had the balls to even take it off the shelf.
I know my inability to eat well and look after myself stems from chronic low self-esteem and that needs to be treated cognitively. A diet book or club that shows me how to do points/syns/carb counting etc, just won't cut it for me. I have diplomas and NVQ’s in Diet & Nutrition; I know the right things to eat for physical well-being. But I need more. I need a total self-image overhaul... I need something to start helping me change my ingrained behaviours and negative self-beliefs. After managing to stop smoking with Paul McKenna over fifteen years ago... I believe his methods of tackling weight loss through altering behaviours and thought processes are the way forward. Dieting on its own just doesn’t work for me. Why haven’t I gone down this root before? Because it is; at first; bloody hard work… it’s so easy to reach for food when things go wrong rather than looking within myself and riding out those uncomfortable emotions, those cravings, those temptations…
This diary will be my journey of success… I would normally say ‘and failures’ but I refuse to let that notion enter my head. I cannot fail again. I will not fail again. If I do take my eyes off the prize, I will be back on the plan straight away. This diary will also be a place where I ramble, vent and generally lay down my thoughts. It may be unpretty at times… but that’s because it will be a truthful account. Thanks for letting me share my journey on a public forum… it feels empowering… speaking out is something in reality that I find very difficult… :)
I have bought McKenna’s ‘I Can MakeYou Thin’ book and CD and it should arrive by post tomorrow… I am excited, hopeful and soooo bloody determined this time. This is it!!!