Minerva's corner...

Minerva

...we're sinking deeper.
Right... Now that this forum has finally reopened, I'll quietly try (try being the key word here) to just write a little something here every once in a while... to maybe motivate myself? To be "good"? To be held accountable?

I've been around these forums for so long... First with Lighter Life, then with SnS, then just all sorts... But, positively, I've come a long way since my 18st 7 days in 2008. It's definitely been up and down. But... mostly down. Looking at my signature in 2013 I weighed 15st 8 and I'm happy to say I actually have maintained the loss since then. I believe I stopped somewhere at 12st something and have been bouncing within that 1 stone or so leeway ever since then. Going between 12st 0 to 13st 7 ... Something always stops me when I start dipping into the 11's. I self-sabotage. Maybe some sort of fear of going back into UNKNOWN territory. I've always been overweight ALL my life. Except after Lighter Life. I lost over 10 stone and it was so new... and so terrifying. My body was not my own. And I also developed an eating disorder. So I know, somewhere in the back of my mind there is a subconscious block that happens when I don't recognise my body anymore.
Still, I don't want to be overweight all my life. I really don't, so I have to try to push through and understand how to go through that transition and accept a new body, how it feels, how it looks, how it moves... I am less than 2 months away from turning 30 and I think it's time to try to turn this around. I don't want to come to the age of 50 with regrets. My fat is a safety blanket that prevents me from doing things, prevents me from living life because I use it as an excuse. It tells me I'm not good enough, it tells me I can't do it. I need to stop this.

So anyway. That's me. For now. Day 1 (yesterday) went well - albeit with tantrums in my head (the usual - I WANT PIZZA! One more day! Start this later!). Bleh. That one more day turned into weeks and months of delay.

Wish me luck. :)
 
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Right, so technically... I need a plan. So what I'll be doing is basic calorie counting. I won't worry too much about WHAT I eat - because I know that everything in moderation is fine, there is no such thing as "bad" food. But, I will be generally avoiding overly sugary things as sugar does create a dependence + sugar highs/lows/cravings and all that.

I'm also subscribed to Hello Fresh! boxes, which have been really cool! Delicious meals, weighed and measured for you! It's not a dietary thing, but it does say general calorie content per portion so it's pretty perfect. I have those for 3 days of the week and the rest I'm just having a Mug-Shot packet meal which I can add some extra meat and veg to. Keeping to below 1200 calories per day, maybe a day or two off every once in a while - if it's a special occasion. Diets can be pretty miserable with no breaks!
 
Day two completed successfully - totalled at about 1100 for the day - but I really need to watch those Hello Fresh! boxes o_O ... some of the meals have really high calories per portion and doesn't help that my dear OH wants to add extra ingredients to the recommended recipe... I'll just make sure he has the bigger portion and keep mine smaller.

But damnit I am so hungry. Oh well, first week is always the toughest! ...
 
Hi Minerva,
I've just read your diary and it really resonated with me. I too have been around these forums for so long, with Cambridge, Slimming World, S&S and now Exante. You say that you don't want to be 50 and have regrets...I have been doing this to myself for over forty years, I am now 60 (where did that go??), have been everything from a size 12 to 28 and all stops in between. So use me as a really bad role model, believe me I regret not getting a grip before my joints feel about 30 years older than my mind. If that motivates you to keep going, I'll be happy. Good luck!

Nicky x
 
Hi Tickettyboo :) Thank you for stopping by!
To me, no journey is a bad journey unless there is no effort to change. The very fact that you've kept up the good fight and kept going, living life and still kept trying to better yourself is an inspiration. It's never too late!

x
 
Day three, successful... around 1000 calories, gave my OH the bigger portion of the really lovely orzo and chorizo risotto. I'm used to giving him the bigger portion, so I'm happy with that! :)
Also had a sneak peek at the scales this afternoon and I'm already 5lbs down! Yay! I always feel so much better when I'm not bloated with all the water weight...
 
I think in a way doing LL and SnS as the biggest dieting ventures I did screwed with my head a little. I expect to see big losses, I expect to lose quickly. But doing calorie counting is a slower process. 1lb loss per week would not be enough - even though realistically it's totally acceptable. People on SW or WW would be over the moon. I need to come to terms with that somehow and be ok with even a 0.5lb loss. But it just seems so demoralising. It feels like it will take forever. Thing is, I've been maintaining somewhat for a very long time but 13st is not where I want to be forever. Still. I have to look at it another way... My body is now comfortable and used to me being at 13st rather than expecting to be 16st or more. Because of the rapid loss on LL it never got the chance to catch up. It all takes time. It's not just a weight loss after all, your whole chemical make-up, hormonal and physical being has to catch up. And I do believe after 2 years at this weight it is comfortable... so I really need to push it down into the 11's. I must. Then I will evaluate how I feel... if I get there. No, I MUST get there and stay there!...
 
Hi, I thought I'd pop by and say hello to you here. What you say about not recognising your body as your own after a fast weight loss rang lots of bells for me. I lost 5 st once and people didn't recognise me. Really. I went on a camp and saw people there I hadn't seen since the previous summer and people were blanking me or acting odd when I was chatting with them. It was really odd. Of course, we did sort that I was the same person but looking different. Seeing oneself in the mirror with the old image of yourself still in your head is strange too.

You are saying you MUST get into the 11s. I wonder if you respond well to pressure like that? And wondering what your motivation is. Would life be better? Would you be healthier? Would you feel you look better? And also wondering if there is anything about the weight you are now that makes you particularly unhappy?

I have read that there are two sorts of motivation. Away from and towards motivation. To succeed in our goals it helps to know both what we want to gain and what we want to leave behind.

Well done on your first weeks loss. Good luck with the next week.
 
Thank you for coming by! Do you have a diary I could follow? :)

It does seem odd that other people have problems adjusting to a different image of a person. My partner lost over 10 st with LL and at the end of the journey, he felt some alienation from the people he'd known all his life. Not to the extent you felt, that really sounds odd - almost like ...resentment for someone who's done really well? He felt a loss of who he was, people would say to him over and over "You're not the same old jolly person!" as if the weight difference somehow would change his personality. How did you come to terms with that change? How did you deal with the people around you acting differently?

With weight loss I guess it's both types of motivation... You want to move away from feeling like *this* and move towards a healthier being. I used to equate being slimmer with solving all my problems, that I'd be happier, more successful. Alas, when I got there, it wasn't the case. I was still the same and I still felt fat even at size 8. But having had that experience, it brings forth a knowing that I have to be happier in myself. Over the last few years I really worked on being more content in the skin I have, even while overweight. I am ME. The only thing I expect being slimmer to bring is a bit more confidence and that's it - which goes a long way! The MUST, HAVE TO... is a way to make myself see that there is no way of getting out of this. I never finish anything that isn't vital. But this is important as at the end of the day, I have to make this a priority, like something I have to finish this time.

What motivation do you go by? What are you hoping to leave behind?
 
Sunday went without any problems, but being stuck at University helped... When I'm out and about I can avoid food completely, so ended up just having dinner at 700 calories tops for the day. Day 6 today, nearly at the end of the first week! Hooray :D

Whenever I dieted in the last few years, for some reason I'd include a 'cheat day'... which over time would spiral into two per week.. then I'd just get too relaxed and the whole thing would go out the window... I guess by going 100% this week I might not develop that habit... and "save" the calories for the odd night out without feeling guilty about it.
 
Day 7 today! First week is nearly over! I feel better in myself, but getting really quite hungry a lot of the time... but having said that, I survived a Tesco shop today - did not buy anything that I shouldn't! My partner is also on a diet, so it always helps when both of us are in the same boat.
I also took some dreaded "before" photos, hopefully, sometime soon, I'll have something to compare them to...

Well I'll see how the weigh-in looks tomorrow :)
 
WI - 8 lbs off! :D First weeks are always the best :p I just wish it all shifted the same way as water does...

As I like to see actual figures of daily intake on other diaries... I'll include mine.
Day 1 - 800
Day 2 - 1100
Day 3 - 1000
Day 4 - 600
Day 5 - 700
Day 6 - 500
Day 7 - 650

It's lower than it should be - I know, but first week was just to get myself in the zone, I'll be keeping to a more 1200 type days in the future to make sure I get all the nutrition I need. :)
 
Well done Minerva, that's amazing. As you say, first weeks are always the best but so helpful at getting you in the zone. It does help when your partner is on a diet too, mine is built like a stick insect unfortunately and can eat what he likes which makes it harder. Keep up the good work!

I was really interested in your earlier post about body image and how people perceive you when your appearance drastically changes after significant weight loss. I can so relate to all that you say, last time when I lost a lot of weight some people didn't say anything because they actually thought I had lost the weight through illness and were afraid my breast cancer had returned! Like your partner I had comments that they preferred the old "jolly me". I do think in my case when I am bigger I do tend to be more jokey and self deprecating as a defence mechanism, but you are still the same person! Maybe there is an element of jealousy in there, that you have had the discipline to succeed at something? Complex psychology!
 
Yep....people can be really malicious when youve lost weight. Before my husband met me - he was single (im sure this was due to his weight!!) and over a period of time he lost a substantial amount of weight and some one started a rumor that he was gay and had contracted aids and was in deaths door (but was still functioning fine and going to work, etc?!)- which was why he had lost so much weight. Its appalling how horrid people can be!! lol. Its also kinda hilarious looking back. how stupid must that person feel now that he is married, has two kids and is fat again :p oh and also NOT ACTUALLY DEAD. Jeeez.
 
Body image is a tough one ticketty... Part of the battle is coming to terms with your own changes and the other part is dealing with everyone else's opinions of them. I'm sorry you've had to go through cancer, that must have been so scary.. After that people don't know what to think, the people who care for you will support you and wish you well. Those who deep down aren't so caring will be jealous and resentful, though it's not always that either. Maybe they do care, but are scared of the changes, scared that they are losing who you were. It's weird how people equate who we are with how we look, any major change is going to have an impact - everyone, including yourself needs time to adjust, it's not always an instant thing.

And Bee, that is TERRIBLE. I really hope the people who started that rumour are no longer in his life. Those are the sort of people who need to be cut out and left behind. I can't believe someone would even say such a thing.

At the end of the day, if someone says something about our weight, we have to remember and maybe even remind them, that it's actually NONE of their business. Whether it's going up or down. They don't know what issues we are dealing with and have no idea how we feel or how we cope with stress. We can only look out for ourselves and try to brush off these things, even though it is a hard thing to do. Our weight does not define us, it's just a small part of the puzzle.

--

In any case, I end my day on 900 calories, had a Mugshot for lunch and a dinner consisting of chicken with carrot "noodles" alongside some mixed grains. It was really nice. So a good day! My dad visited and I somehow managed to do no calculus studying at all. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. :p
 
Calculus, I remember it well...or rather remember being able to do it forty years ago but apart from the terms differentiation and integration that's about it. I had to do some calculus as part of my degree (rates of reaction etc) but found it really hard. All that work to learn enough to pass exams and haven't actually used it since, though I do believe that no knowledge is ever wasted. What is your degree in?

It never ceases to amaze me that weight is something that a lot of people do seem to feel free to have an opinion on, that being thin equates to being virtuous and productive and overweight people are often stereotyped as lazy and a figure of fun. Even people that I regard as friends surprise me sometimes with comments about putting on or losing weight, whereas they wouldn't dream of commenting on other aspects of my life and appearance. As you so rightly say, it is none of their business and does not define who you are as a person (although ironically I do feel that my ongoing forty year long battle with my weight has partly defined the person I am, certainly in terms of lack of confidence). I totally agree with what you say about even you needing time to adjust to changes in your appearance. When I last lost a lot of weight, again quickly on a VLCD, I would still look at clothes I would have gone for when I was bigger. I remember eventually trying a fitted size 14 dress on and looking in the mirror and thinking "this isn't me".. I felt like I was looking in one of those fairground mirrors that distorts your size. Weird.

Well done on another successful day. I really like Mugshots, specially the sweet & sour noodle ones. Hope you are having another good day today.
 
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