A diary of one girls struggle to change

[Pinkydoodles]

I have decided to start this online diary as an attempt to motivate myself - perhaps if I have to come here a few times a week and publicly write about my diet and weight loss efforts, then I will feel like I have someone else out there to make an effort for when I don't want to make an effort for myself.... Hopefully it will also be cathartic and I [and maybe others] will be able to witness and learn from the various struggles that come with changing human habits. Evil beasts that they are.

So here goes...

I am on week 9 now. Start weight 15st 11.5lbs. Goal weight 11st.

Week 1: -2.5
Week 2: -4
Week 3: -2
Week 4: +1
Week 5: -1.5
Week 6: -1
Week 7: -0.5
Week 8: +1.5

= 9lbs lost to date.

I was all motivated the first lot of weeks and thought it was all pretty easy. But I broke my resolve on easter weekend, eating choc and drinking alcohol, and I haven't been able to get back on track since. I am eating all SW meals, its just that I have gotten the insatiable taste for chocolate again, and it is ruining every day. Normally I can stay on plan when I am in work all day, but when I get home, I just want to sleep and eat choc. I have always been an emotional eater and do have long-term probs with depression. I guess I am just not feeling strong at the mo and am finding it hard to get my mojo back. Where has it gone??? It must be hiding under a big brick somewhere. I can't call it back because it is deaf and seemingly oblivious to my heartfelt pleas, impatient orders and out-right demands. There must be some way to get it back... maybe I need to coax it out.... nicely? But then if its deaf?? I'll have to try I guess.


I just want this to be the actual time that I change for good. I have done WW 3 times in the past and every time I got to around minus 10/12lbs weight loss I couldn't seem to loose any more, so, I eventually, gradually, gave up and left - and then a year or 2 later I returned to have gained all the weight back, plus more. The usual tale that everyone tells. So when I started my weight-loss journey this time, I promised myself it would be for the last time. I chose SW because it has all the free foods which don't need weighed and pointed every day, and this seems much more realistic to live with long-term. But here I am at my usual plateau and starting to get fed up and in danger of giving up, yet again. This has to stop!!!!!!!! Here & now!

But how?

 

[Jessywoohoo]

Hello, you can do this Hun, just get over this mini hurdle and you will find your slimming world mojo again! I'm exactly the same with chocolate but discovered sw "ferrero rocher" basically weetabix and Nutella mixed and made into little balls and they are lush! What i tend to do when I feel like that is look for a few new recipes to try so your not getting bored of the food. Do you go to a group or do it online and weigh at home? X

 

[Pinkydoodles]

Hi jessy, thanks for replying I am feeling a wee bit better today thanks, I am going to try and leave the choc alone as I can't seem to do the "just have a little" approach lol. I was making a choc cake with albran but gave myself a sickener of it. I will try the f.rocher for a wee change. I need to help myself through this, I don't want to give up. It's just very hard to keep going at times, do you find that? What's your journey been like? I go to group on a Tuesday, but I don't find it that helpful, its a bit embarrassing being put on the spot, I would rather have a private chat with the leader lol. I suppose I could do that after group, or call her. The battle is with myself really!

I think trying a few new recipes is a good idea, that should give me a wee shake, thanks for the advice ;-) much appreciated

 

[Pinkydoodles]

I am just looking at my signature after my last post there - I remember writing that and being so positive and motivated! Making changes for life - yay- like it was going to be that easy! lol. Isn't it funny how motivation just seems to come and go.... I wonder why it does that and how to get it back.... oh no I can see myself turning to the self-help book shelf again lol

 

[Pinkydoodles]

Reasons why I want to loose weight:

- what is the alternative? If I eat whatever I want I will continue to get heavier - I have to change some time!
- I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
- I will be able to stop and talk to people I know in the street and accept social invitations because I will be proud of how I look instead of ashamed
- I will be able to wear clothes that I actually LIKE instead of what fits and hides me
- Going shopping and dressing for occasions will actually be a pleasure instead of a dread
- I will be able to move my body and exercise more easily when I don't have all this extra weight to haul about - just walking can be uncomfortable because of it
- I will be healthier and less at risk of developing weight-related diseases - which I am at risk of now
- My state of mind will be much healthier - the constant daily worries & mental torture of being overweight will be gone!
- I will feel empowered as a person because I have taken charge of my eating and exercise habits

 

[Ally89]

You can do it If you're stuck try mixing up recipes so you don't have the same stuff all the time. If you are doing EE days try switching to red/green or doing a mix of ee/red/green, up your water intake, make sure you get enough superfree

 

[VeggieBev]

Loving your 'reasons to lose weight'. You should print it out and stick it on the fridge or somewhere so that you can have a constant reminder of exactly why you are making this change. We all have bad days/weeks but I'm sure you will find your mojo again. Good luck! I will be sure to follow your progress x

 

[Pinkydoodles]

Thanks Bev, I just thought I would write all my reasons down so I can have them to refer back to - yes I think I will print them out and keep them stuck up in the kitchen!

I am veggie too so I stick to all green days, but I think variety is the key, I have got in to a habit of having the exact same breakfast and lunch every day and maybe only having 2 or 3 different dinners during the week. And usually all the same snacks as well, fruit, mullerlights, alpen light bars, cheesecake mix made with quark and sweetener [no base]. etc Yes getting a bit bored.

Must get some more variety!

 

[Crafty Girl]

Reasons why I want to loose weight:

- what is the alternative? If I eat whatever I want I will continue to get heavier - I have to change some time!
- I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
- I will be able to stop and talk to people I know in the street and accept social invitations because I will be proud of how I look instead of ashamed
- I will be able to wear clothes that I actually LIKE instead of what fits and hides me
- Going shopping and dressing for occasions will actually be a pleasure instead of a dread
- I will be able to move my body and exercise more easily when I don't have all this extra weight to haul about - just walking can be uncomfortable because of it
- I will be healthier and less at risk of developing weight-related diseases - which I am at risk of now
- My state of mind will be much healthier - the constant daily worries & mental torture of being overweight will be gone!
- I will feel empowered as a person because I have taken charge of my eating and exercise habits

I can relate all your reasons as they are so close to mine.

 

[Pinkydoodles]

Dear Diary

I seem to have gotten myself back on track the past few days [apart from a few cocktails on Saturday night!]. I took the advice of Bev, Ally and Jessy - I printed out my "Reasons I want to Lose Weight" and stuck them on my kitchen cupboard, and I tried a few new recipes That definitely helped. THANKS GIRLS. I made a nice curried butternut squash soup with chickpeas in it; a brocolli & cauliflower macaroni cheese which is delish [the laughing cow chesse triangles melt down really well and I added some grated parmesan for extra flavour]; and some mashed sweet potatoes with cinnamon powder added - try it, it is truly gorgeous! Sounds a bit like it would be too sweet I know, but it was beautiful with peas and quorn sausages I made the magic porridge pancakes too and had them with strawberries and fromage frais for saturday morning breakfast. Another tasty dish and very, very filling! I also got the ingredients to make an aubergine & parmesan bake tonight

I've also stopped buying or bringing home any sweet stuff which I buy with the plan of having 'just a little each day' - if it is there I will eat it. All in one go. End of. So don't put temptation there in the first place.

Also - being firmer with myself and just saying NO when I get any ideas about eating x, y or z, which are not on my plan.

In hindsight, I think I was just in a very low and exhausted place last week after a few weeks of intense stress - busy in work, doing college assignments and prepping for an interview for my dream job, which I was desperate to get [good news being I handed the 2 assignments in on time and I got the job!]. But this meant that I was totally zonked, I wanted to do nothing but sleep, so I just got up went to work came home and went to bed. I was sleeping 15 hours of the day. I've noticed now this usually happens after a period of stress. So what to learn - try to avoid stress as much as poss! And also: just accept that sometimes this is going to happen to me because of my mental health issues, and its ok if I go off plan for a week or two - the important thing being that I encourage myself and get back on it as soon as I can.

I am feeling really bloated the last few days and my tummy feels like it has grown again, so I don't want to go to weigh in tonight, I can't face another gain on those scales. But I am def on track and determined to stick to it this week, so I should see a loss next week.

Now to end on a positive note - I am going to gloat about my new job. I am 30 and I have worked in office jobs since I was 14 [any holidays in school and college] and permanently since I was 21. My dad basically forced me [all my sibs] to work in an office - he sees this as the best type of job [or something] and when I said I didn't like it on several occasions, he told me a) it didn't matter if I like it or not - its a job - just do it, and b) that I shouldn't really worry about a career since I would meet someone get married have kids and be a stay at home mum, so I should just work in an office until then. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, it has been very hard to break free of this mould, psychologically. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with working in an office, but I am a very creative person, and I love to work with my hands and move around - so sitting at a desk all day putting things in alphabetical order and answering phones is soul destroying. I think this has been a major contributor to my mental health probs. So a few years ago, I started a horticulture [gardening] course one day a week, which I had to reduce my contracted hours in the office for - this was a major step for me in itself. I have always loved lush gardens and the countryside, open green spaces, plants, trees and nature etc, so in my dreams it would have been amazing to work in one of these places. Well, fast forward, I have now secured a one year placement in 2 national trust gardens in Northern Ireland, a fully funded and paid placement from the heritage lottery fund!!!!!!!! I am totally delighted, just to get to work in these places is an amazing opportunity, but to actually be paid for it on a proper trainee scheme with a focus on learning is even more amazing - meaning I can now..... LEAVE MY OFFICE JOB!!!! YES!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!! Totally stoked, this is a major breakthrough in my life for me, at last. Also - since I will be going from sitting in a chair 8 hours a day to moving around and physically labouring - imagine what this will mean for my health - and also my weight!!!! Another fantastic bonus to my new career. Body magic here I come ;-p

I start in September. Roll on!!

love to the world
xxx

 

[VeggieBev]

Fantastic news about the job, well done! Great to see you're back on track as well, sometimes it feels like we'll never get out of the rut but there is light at the end of the tunnel! Keep up the good work x

 

[Pinkydoodles]

Thanks Bev - you're doin well - nearly at Target!! How exciting!! xx

 

[Ally89]

Congrats on the job, i love my office job but it would be nice to do something different (i'm creative too but managed to let out my creativity with being web designer ). Sounds like you have your head back in the right place now That mash sounds yummy too, might give it a go

 

[Pinkydoodles]

Dear Diary

my sugar cravings are completely insatiable and out of control. My itchy scalp has flared up and I am having headaches, heartburn, increased anxiety and a 'popping' stomach. This leads me to believe that I have a candida overload again. I guess I have been overdoing it on the sugar the past few weeks. And I did have a course of anti-biotics 2 weeks ago which is sure to do damage. So I have decided to go on a sugar cleanse again and take another course of total candida defence tablets. I thought I had rid my body of it and I could therefore re-introduce sugar in to my diet without it taking over again - but it appears I was wrong! This candida beast is sneakier than I gave it credit for. Beast.

So for the next five days, goodbye to:

*all forms of sugar [strictly includes fruit but will prob have 1 or 2 pieces]
*cheeses
*mushrooms
*all bread type products
*all refined/processed carbohydrates inc white pasta, white rice, cereals, etc [porridge allowed]
*vinegars/pickles
*alcohol

If any readers have insatiable cravings for the above listed food-types (and by insatiable cravings I mean the 'once you pop you can't stop' syndrome aka you have one biscuit and just have to finish the whole packet) then I strongly recommend reading one of Zoe Harcombe's books, "Why do you overeat when all you want is to be slim", and get to grips with the silent saboteur - candida (and also hypoglycaemia - sugar highs and lows). Then go on a 5 day sugar cleanse [difficult but doable and worth it] and take a course of Total Candida Defence by Silvertown Health [available from Amazon - £15 but again worth it = an absolute must in my opinion actually].

Well, I am waiting on my order of TCD tablets, so I cannot start completely today - but I am sure going to be disciplined.

The most important fact here for SW readers is that I actually started to follow the SW diet because it is almost exactly the same diet that Harcombe recommends - the anti-candida and anti-hypoglycaemia diet. SW does have some leeway in that you can have vinegar products and cheeses/breads as HEx's, and you have your 15 syns each day which you can spend on sugary foods etc - and I think this is where I have gone wrong. I forgot why I initally started this diet - not just to lose weight which was going to be a 'bonus' - but to be free from candida, its insatiable sugar cravings and its unflinching control over my appetite.

So, action plan:
1) I am going to re-read Harcombe book and re-educate myself;
2) try as best as poss to avoid all listed food groups for the next 5 days; and
3) take a course of TCD.

I shall report on my progress!

 

[Pinkydoodles]

Well, hanging my head in shame... my self-motivational talk obvs didn't work! Coz I ate choc n crap all weekend! All my meals were SW, just the snacks reverted to choc & bics. I was consciously comfort eating, mood was very low and stressed coz of college assignment deadlines - I was stuck in the house alone - so I went out and bought a packet of buns biks and choc and used those to get through the weekend. Doh. Really need to find better ways of coping with my moods. A lot of times now I will go to sleep, but when I am meant to be studying, can't exactly do that!

I hear myself saying "I will do better when this college stuff is all done in a month's time" but then I know I won't - because then there will be another reason to comfort eat! There will always be a reason. It's ironic how I eat choc/biks/cake to make myself 'feel better' - when actually what I am eating is going to make me feel worse - both health-wise with the sugar highs & lows, and with the resulting guilt that I have failed again! If only I could remember this at the time....

So, I shall try to remember the above when I get the urge to eat for any reason other than physical hunger. How exactly I will get my conscious brain to intervene on my sub-conscious habits is another matter altogether. It take tremendous effort, constantly. The battle is with ourselves! Which side will win?

The battle continues....

 

[Ally89]

I get seriously bad chocolate cravings the only thing that manages to keep it at bay is a method i taught myself and my friend who is a reiki master helped me with, basically you relax yourself when you feel a craving and imagine white and purple lights flowing through you, supposedly helps weight loss and reduce cravings, it seems to work...however i may be a psychic medium, but even i am putting this one down to being psychological you think you don't need the sugar, therefore you don't.

 

[Pinkydoodles]

I am a reiki master too! But I haven't actually practised in a few years. I follow a yogic path now, and sort of felt it doesn't really fit with this, but I do seem to have been having a few 'signs' lately re reiki - people asking me about it etc, perhaps time to look in to it again and combine it with my new-found faith.

I think I will try that actually. I know it is just about making that pause and thinking before you act, but its so automatic! Tis the nature of the beast.

so you are a psychic medium? fascinating... I've seen a few in my time, most just seemed to throw names and general statements out there to see if I caught on to any of them, but two of them [one was in glasgow actually] really got one or two things spot on that they could have no way guessed in a million years - really made me think twice about it all. My beliefs waver on the subject to be honest! I guess I don't like to think that spirits of those past on are hanging around us - kind of like watching in on you - its freaky!

 

[Pinkydoodles]

well I lost 2lbs at WI last night - happy days! Was not expecting that since I hadn't been the week before and I know I have been over on my syns most days. It's great because it has given me the incentive to keep trying


It has reminded me to look at the bigger picture on this weight loss journey - not to get hung up on each individual weigh-in, but to look at, say, the past month - and see the overall weight loss, because we don't really know what our bodies are doing day in day out.

 

[Dubchick81]

Hi Pinky.. Just subscribing..

 

[Pinkydoodles]

spanx dubbers!