A question about sex as an overweight person...

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by hidden, 29 October 2009 Social URL.

  1. hidden

    hidden Member

    Posts:
    26
    Likes Received:
    2
    I can't believe I'm going to ask this question, but here it is. I don't know whether I'm technically allowed to ask this here, if I shouldn't have because the topic is against rules, then I apologise.

    So I've recently started seeing a guy, and it's going pretty well, we both seem to really like each other. Anyway, so I've never had a proper relationship before really, and I've never had sex. He has. We're getting to the point where sex is something that we both want and both feel ready for.

    The thing is though, I'm pretty shy, and my confidence levels aren't that great. I love the idea of having sex with him, but the idea of him seeing me naked... not so good!! I just feel really self conscious because of my weight. I could do with losing about 5 stone, and am an 18-20 with a big ugly tummy.

    He's not rushing me, at all. He's amazing, he knew from the outset that I hadn't had sex or a relationship before, and he's totally cool with that. He's said he doesn't care if in a years time we still haven't had sex, it's about when I'm happy and ready. Even then I think I'd be nervous about actually getting naked in front of him. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just nervous about it, and if there's anyone that I've ever wanted to let see me naked, it's him.

    So I don't really know what to do, I don't want to not take things further with him because of it, but I don't know how to make myself feel less self conscious. I know there's the option of keeping a tshirt on or something, but I can't imagine that's all that sexy to a guy. I just don't know really. Any advice?
     
    MsJMC likes this.
  2. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Matched Content

  3. Klev

    Klev Full Member

    Posts:
    306
    Likes Received:
    7
    Start Weight:
    18st10lb
    Current Weight:
    11st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st3lb
    Lost(%):
    6st11lb(36.26%)
    Diet:
    Cambridge
    Well my husband think i'm sexy, no matter how i look. If he loves you it will not matter to him.

    And if you could loose 5 stone, then it's not like he can't see it through your clothing, if you know what i mean. So he won't be surprised.

    I know the feeling though :)

    You should talk to him about it, see how he feels, and maybe discuss the t-shirt bit. Maybe don't let it be a shirt but a sexy dress of some sort that will hide what your embarrassed for.

    Good luck!
     
  4. onlyme!

    onlyme! is a naughty girl...

    Posts:
    1,182
    Likes Received:
    43
    Diet:
    CD
    He wants to sleep with you, so he wants to see YOU naked! He clearly likes you you, for you :D so just relax and repeat your self he wants to see me naked because he loves me!
     
  5. hidden

    hidden Member

    Posts:
    26
    Likes Received:
    2
    No I know, it's pretty obvious that I'm carrying a spare tyre or four! But somehow it's different him seeing me when I'm dressed to taking my clothes off and him seeing me naked, no dressing it, no trying to look better, just being exactly what I am... fat.
     
  6. bmthsue

    bmthsue Full Member

    Posts:
    367
    Likes Received:
    11
    Start Weight:
    18st9lb
    Current Weight:
    15st2.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    3st6.5lb(18.58%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Your anxieties sound like very normal first-time nerves. Your fella sounds like a diamond and is obviously very much into YOU and not your size. Try not to worry too much and go with the flow. Klev's idea of a dress instead of the t-shirt is a good one. But as Klev also said talking to him is the best way forward and I'm sure he'll put your fears to rest. Try to relax and just enjoy - it's worth it! xxxx.
     
  7. hidden

    hidden Member

    Posts:
    26
    Likes Received:
    2
    Maybe I just need to try and make myself feel good on many levels... so pamper myself... wear something that I know I feel good in... underwear that makes me feel good (I think I'd need to by this!)... and just hope that as I get closer to being naked, because I'm wearing things which make me feel good about myself, I'll feel less self conscious, if you know what I mean.

    I haven't got a clue about buying underwear though to be honest! Evans is my usual stop, but for nice underwear... no! Most of the bras are for big busted women, I'm not big busted, unfortunately my weight doesn't go there!
     
  8. Madferret

    Madferret Mad as a Hatter

    Posts:
    5,887
    Likes Received:
    149
    Start Weight:
    12st10lb
    Current Weight:
    12st10lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    Dukan
    Here here

    Just echoing all the other posts...

    It is important that you talk to your chap, exactly the same as you have opened up to all us 'strangers' on here

    He seems to be an absolute diamond, and you need to tell him exactly as you have told us - your fears, your thoughts etc.

    Please talk and you will probably find that he has insecurities as well - none of us are perfect...

    Take care, relax and enjoy !!!!

    T
    x
     
  9. AlexIce

    AlexIce Silver Member

    Posts:
    983
    Likes Received:
    36
    Start Weight:
    160kg
    Current Weight:
    147kg
    Goal Weight:
    100kg
    Lost(%):
    13kg(8.11%)
    Diet:
    Cambridge Diet
    Hidden - years ago a boyfriend I had said this - "

    It's not like your shape is going to be a surprise to me without clothes on. I CAN actually tell what shape you are with clothes on and it's not a problem. It wasn't a problem when we first started dating, it's not a problem now and it's not going to be a problem when you are naked"

    Basically hidden - trust your boyfriend a bit more. He is with you because he wants to be with you. Get a nice nightie you like the feel of and wriggle into bed with him!
     
    BubblyPenguin likes this.
  10. hidden

    hidden Member

    Posts:
    26
    Likes Received:
    2
    I just want to say thanks to you guys, I still feel pretty nervous about it. Funnily enough, not the sex bit, at all. Just the naked bit. But I've realised that maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I actually should be. It's just all new to me, for so long I've felt so rubbish about myself, my body, I don't know how to be any different. I've lost weight which has made me feel more confident, but I'm still nowhere near happy with my body. I just have to try and find a way to feel good about myself, confident, sexy. Not that I know where to start!!
     
  11. BubblyPenguin

    BubblyPenguin Recovering Foodaholic

    Posts:
    794
    Likes Received:
    30
    Start Weight:
    17st7lb
    Current Weight:
    17st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    Slim and Save
    Hey Hidden,
    everyone's giving you great advice here- I know exactly how you feel and, believe me it's still an issue for after 5 years of being with my wonderful bf who loves me regardless.

    Anyway, I'd go with Alex's and Klev's advice- a little cover up may help YOU to feel more at ease and allow you to enjoy yourself. I have a ton of touchy-feely nighties which help me to feel abit more secure and my bf loves the feel of...whether it stays on the whole time depends on how carried away you get!

    I don't worry about the underwear too much- again something your comfortable in and makes you feel good, because if you feel sexy then it will show on the outside :D x
     
  12. Mrs Taurus

    Mrs Taurus Silver Member

    Posts:
    672
    Likes Received:
    27
    Start Weight:
    18st2lb
    Current Weight:
    17st11lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st1lb
    Lost(%):
    0st5lb(1.97%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    You will know if you can trust him, I knew as soon as I met Mr T that I could,I told him all my body hang ups straight away and couldn't believe how great he was-very understanding,sensitive and mature.I am not proud to admit that before him I had never slept with anyone sober nor had a proper relationship,all because I wouldn't trust anyone to stay with me once they saw what I really looked like. I was dead right to trust Mr T, he is certainly not perfect,but when it comes to body confidence Gok would be proud of him!
    Good luck and I hope everything works out for you x
     
  13. Madferret

    Madferret Mad as a Hatter

    Posts:
    5,887
    Likes Received:
    149
    Start Weight:
    12st10lb
    Current Weight:
    12st10lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    Dukan
    Ah mate - what a great post and great advice !

    T
    x
     
  14. hidden

    hidden Member

    Posts:
    26
    Likes Received:
    2
    You guys have mentioned nighties and stuff, it all sounds good, but I don't know where to start. In terms of size ranges, I don't know a lot of choice. Other than Evans, I don't think they do sexy! Any recommendations? Somewhere with stores rather than just online would be better.
     
  15. hidden

    hidden Member

    Posts:
    26
    Likes Received:
    2
    That's what I feel like. I know that I can trust him, and there's no-one else I've wanted to be with. But I don't want to get caught up on it. I don't want it to take away from anything, because I feel nervous and self conscious. Know what I mean?
     
  16. Mrs Taurus

    Mrs Taurus Silver Member

    Posts:
    672
    Likes Received:
    27
    Start Weight:
    18st2lb
    Current Weight:
    17st11lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st1lb
    Lost(%):
    0st5lb(1.97%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    TO be completely honest Mr T and I shall we say became friends very quickly....oh god the shame......we were both very merry,but had had the best conversation ever. However for me the nerve wracking time was when it soon became evident that omg this is the one and obviously I couldn't be drunk each time we met and I needed to shower and stuff at his place. He had also had a few serious relationships,and I was always worried about comparisons with other partners....then he never committed to them and I realised if they were that great he would never have dumped them all.

    Also Evans do lots of lovely stuff,look on-line or head to your nearest big city store-a bit pricey but sounds like you are worth it.
    Maybe a weekend away may help?x
     
  17. lunar jim

    lunar jim Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,967
    Likes Received:
    54
    Start Weight:
    18st2lb
    Current Weight:
    17st4lb
    Goal Weight:
    13st12lb
    Lost(%):
    0st12lb(4.72%)
    Diet:
    Slimfast
    Ok just to come in from a guy's angle...

    A lot of guys can be dicks to be honest but your BF sounds like a good fella; he'n not pressuring you into a quick bonk so it's clear to me he's really into *you* and not just after his end! And I echo what the girls have said; if you're not comfortable with being naked with him that first time then go for the sexy night option, he'll love it :D

    It's easy for me to say this but don't panic about his reaction, have that chat with him. He'll be fine with it, I bet he'll be glad of the chat and things will work out fine. In fact, I bet it brings you even closer together.
     
    Last edited: 29 October 2009
  18. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Advert

  19. hidden

    hidden Member

    Posts:
    26
    Likes Received:
    2
    I know his partner before was slim and pretty, and I know he was gutted about them breaking up. So it does make me feel a bit nervous I guess, I don't want to be compared to that when I won't match up.

    The thing is, as well as making me feel nervous, I feel excited too. I'm excited about the idea of being with him, trying new things, just taking that final step that says I trust you, completely.

    Maybe I've just been to rubbish Evans before, I guess I've also not really looked! I'll check it out later today :)
     
  20. hidden

    hidden Member

    Posts:
    26
    Likes Received:
    2
    Thanks Jim, I was hoping for a guys opinion too!
     
  21. LV30

    LV30 Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,696
    Likes Received:
    35
    Start Weight:
    13st8lb
    Current Weight:
    13st1lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7lb(3.68%)
    Diet:
    SW EE
    Hiya

    To be honest, if things are going well in the bedroom department... clothes/sexy underwear/gorgeous nighties aren't going to be staying on for very long - with a bit of luck!!

    After the first time, you'll be wondering why you were so worried... seriously, you'll have a ball!!

    And he does sound lovely... and lovely posts from some very sensible women (and a guy!! hiya Jim!) on this forum.

    Have lots and lots of fun and revel in the fact that he wants to have sex with you - woohoo...

    It will all happen naturally... and it'll be brilliant!!

    OH, and one more thing... THINK sexy... THINK desirable... ALL this stuff is in your head too... just start thinking differently!!

    Sooooo excited for you!!

    Lynne
    x
     
  22. lunar jim

    lunar jim Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,967
    Likes Received:
    54
    Start Weight:
    18st2lb
    Current Weight:
    17st4lb
    Goal Weight:
    13st12lb
    Lost(%):
    0st12lb(4.72%)
    Diet:
    Slimfast
    You're welcome!

    I think in a nutshell I'm saying: generally guys are idiots, dumbasses. But you've found a good one! You'll be just fine.

    But I know where you're coming from, I've been so hung up about my body image for years now. I still am, I haven't been swimming for years and years, I finally took the plunge (pun intended :D )a few weeks back at the pool at my gym. But still I chose a time when I knew it would be quiet! But the people who were there didn't care and I've been a lot better since then.

    When I went in for my op I was showing my hernia off to allcomers, might have been due to the morphine though lol
     
Popular Forums
  1. MiniMins.com is a weight loss support community helping each other on their weight loss journey. We have a multitude of forums, from Slimming World and Exante, to Success Stories. Click the logo at the top right to return to the forum home page at any time.
Loading...