A 'weigh' of life

[Mrs CC]

Hiya there! I'm Caroline and this is my SW diary.

I used to hate people who came out with the whole 'it's not a diet, it's a way of life'. I always thought of course it's a diet cos you're doing it to lose weight! Then one day after having my son I 'got' it! If I don't change to this way of eating for life I'll always be on a diet!

So how did I get here? A long story, most of my early life I was over weight and have spent most of my teens and 20's on a diet in one form or another. I've had a lot of issues with depression and binge eating and it's only now I'm getting help for what I thought was post natal depression that I can see I've been using food and dieting to deal with my moods for a very long time.

I had my son in March and put on about 3 and a half stone while pregnant. Most of that has gone now, but I've decided to teach myself about eating healthy with SW to reach a healthier weight.

I've decided to put a diary on here cos I'm struggling. My first week I lost five pounds and then I've put on the last two, mainly cos if I'm honest I've not been 100% on plan. I'm going to classes to do this, so I might as well do it properly!

Phew! If you got through this first message well done! I will no doubt witter away to myself on here loads while I talk about my Sw journey and my life!!

 

[Mrs CC]

Also, I really need to update my stats and signature, but on my phone right now! This morning I weighed in at 11st 2.5lbs. Doh!!

 

[Mrs CC]

Yesterday's food

Green day
Breakfast
Apple
Pear
Orange
2 weetabix and 350ml skimmed milk A&B
Banana
Toffee muller light

Lunch
Jacket potato
Baked beans
40g Mozzerrella A
Brocolli, carrots and sprouts
Vanilla muller light

Tea
Pasta
Tomato
Peppers
Cumcumber
Shape vanilla fat free - half syn

Snacks
4 nutragrain breakfast biscuits B and 4.5 syns
Shape fat free vanilla chocolate sprinkles 1 syn
Funsize twix 5 syns

Drinks
No sugar squash
Diet coke
Tea and sweetner with splashes of milk 3 syns

Total syns 14

 

[Mrs CC]

Todays food - green day

Breakfast
Weetabix and milk a and b
Fruit as yesterday

Lunch
Eggs
Baked beans
Quorn sausages 3 syns
Slice of wholemeal bread and spread b 2 syns
Shape fat free choc sprinklea 1 syn

Tea
Dolmio pasta vita bolognese pot 6 syns
Shape fat free chocolate sprinkles 1 syn
Bbq beef mug shot
Shape yogurt 1 syn

Drinks
Squash
Tea and sweetner, milk a

Total syns 14

 

[Mrs CC]

Not had much time to myself to ramble on here today! LO has been poorly and was up a lot in the night last night, so I got back into bed when he went to the childminders. I slept until 11.30 and then had to run around like a mad woman getting ready for work! Hence the pasta pot for tea, didn't have time to make much else. Work was super busy and I just could not be bothered with it! I find lates really hard cos I'm alone for so long. I just find myself sitting there starring at my computer for ages! And it was worse today cos I was worried about wee man wishing I'd stayed home with him.

Oh well I have a day off tomorrow. If LO is better he'll go the childminders and I can get some jobs done, if not we will have lots of cuddles at home in our jammies! Just hope I can get some rest too.

 

[missy1978]

Hey, just popping in to subscribe if that's ok? What you said struck a chord with me, I have definite food issues myself and my eating is definitely related to my moods which at the moment are all over the shop!

It's hard work but it is about changing habits of a lifetime. Tough stuff but worth it x

 

[Mrs CC]

Hey, just popping in to subscribe if that's ok? What you said struck a chord with me, I have definite food issues myself and my eating is definitely related to my moods which at the moment are all over the shop!

It's hard work but it is about changing habits of a lifetime. Tough stuff but worth it x

Hi missy! Don't mind if you do pop in at all! Makes me feel a bit less lonely!

Today hasn't been the best, didn't get home from work until 10pm last night then had another rough night with wee man and now I'm exhausted! Haven't even got out my jammies yet!

Talking about binges I ended up having one this morning cos I was just so tired and fed up! I've had a weeks worth of syns! Doh! I'm doing a red day now with plenty super free to make up for it. I'm also aiming to go syn free for the rest of the week. I'd love to see at least some loss on Monday!

The good news is LO seems better in himself this afternoon so I'm hoping for at least some sleep tonight!

 

[Mrs CC]

Yesterdays food

4am binge - big cadbury caramel and 4 multipack twix bars!
Urgh, actually feel ashamed about writing that down but the way I see it is I need to put it out there to take away the guilt and hopefully help me with my binging in future.

Red day
Breakfast - same old weetabix and fruit hea and b
Lunch - gammon and egg with roast onion peppers and courgettes
Tea - turkey breast steaks with brocolli carrots sprouts and cauliflower
Snacks and drinks - tea hea, squash, weetabix oaty bar heb
After my binge I was really on plan with my meals being 50% super free, am just hoping I can make up for the morning and get some result on the scales!

Today - red day again (hoping it helps too!)
Breakast - weetabix and milk and fruit hea and b
Vanilla shape fat gree yog 0.5 syn
Lunch - turkey and bacon salad with tomatoes peppers and cucumber, grapes
Tea - lamb steak with roast peppers tomatoes courgettes and onions (this is the plan anyway!)
Milk in tea hea
Weetabix oaty bar heb

Another day of lots of super free in a bid to make up for my chocolate session! I always used to lose really well doing red days many moons ago, so hoping this will make up for my binge and I see some kind of loss. I know it's my own fault but I will be gutted if I have another gain on Monday. I hate sitting there having to 'declare' my crappy results in weigh in, although my leader isn't too bothered. I think to be honest with christmas coming up and numbers dwindling she's glad to have another bum on the seat! Don't think I'll stay to class anyway on Monday cos OH and I are talking about going out for the day and will want to get away early if we do.

LO has been a bit better the last couple of days although he's been home with me for both, I should've been in work today but the childminder wouldn't have him cos he had a bad bum yesterday! But we've had a nice day chilled out at home before getting out shopping and going to see my mum. I'm currently having a wee rest while he snoozes!

 

[missy1978]

Aw binges happen but you're pulling it back really nicely! Writing it down does help - I'm trying to do that too. If I don't then it's easy for me to forget it happened and I never learn from it!

Glad your little dude is feeling a bit better, that should hopefully make things a bit easier for you xxx

 

[Mrs CC]

Thanks Missy, makes me feel a bit more 'normal' knowing I'm not the only one!

How are you finding SW while being pregnant? I did try to stick to it, but it just wasn't happening a lot of the time! It's so hard, especially towards the end I just wanted to eat and eat when I was on mat leave!

 

[missy1978]

Thanks Missy, makes me feel a bit more 'normal' knowing I'm not the only one! How are you finding SW while being pregnant? I did try to stick to it, but it just wasn't happening a lot of the time! It's so hard, especially towards the end I just wanted to eat and eat when I was on mat leave!

I'm finding it pretty hard tbh although I'm gaining less now than I was in my second tri! Mat leave is both better and worse, it's better as I'm away from the kitchen of doom at work but worse as I'm in the house pretty much all day and getting no exercise at all because my hips are so bad Hoping I won't gain much more - 2st 3.5lbs so far and that's quite enough xxx

 

[Mrs CC]

I was the same on mat leave, I finished work at 37 weeks and was really struggling to get around by them! I would just spend the days on the sofa watching telly or reading! Once I went to the local shop and it took me half an hour - it usually only takes 5 mins! My back was so sore and I was literally waddling!

You are probably sick of hearing this, but do make the most of the time you have now to rest as much as you can. I appreciate you might not get much sleep, but just sitting with your feet up can make a huge difference! You won't get much time for chilling out once baby arrives! I really do wish I'd done more reading!

 

[Mrs CC]

Can't even be bothered writing what I've eaten tonight! But I've been 100% on plan with another red day and I'm feeling positive.

As well as doing SW I'm also doing a lot of work (for want of a better word!) on my emotional issues surrounding food and dieting. In the past I have tried to use food as a way of dealing with my emotions and dieting as a way of fixing my problems. I used to think my life would be better if I was slimmer. I'm learning that's not the case now and am a lot nearer accepting myself as I am. But at the same time I feel like my positive self image etc has held me back with SW. Something I've realised in the last few days is that I've accepted I am over weight and I do want to lose weight. But being over weight doesn't make me a bad person, or that I don't deserve to be happy! And by the same token, being slim won't magically solve all my problems.

It probably doesn't seem much, but this has been a huge breakthrough for me. I've felt like admitting I'm overweight and wanting to change that means I have to hate everything about myself. But I don't hate anything! I just want to be healthier and fitter. Losing weight is not something to beat myself up about or with anymore.

I spoke to one of my friends about how I've been feeling recently and it was really positive. I do keep some things like my PND close to my chest and don't like to always talk about my crazy thoughts. But it was nice to talk about how I've been feeling and even if she didn't fully understand (which she didn't and I'm really glad she didn't pretend to!), she was happy to listen and didn't treat me like I had three heads cos I think all these things!

 

[Mrs CC]

So, I joined SW with the aim of losing a bit of weight cos I was in between sizes and wanted to shift a bit so some jeans would fit me again. Well I put them on today and they fit. And while I'm really happy about this I'm also not sure about what it all means now. Do I want to carry on and lose more weight? Do I want to keep going to class? Do I want to call target - I don't actually even know if I've lost any this week?!

I think about these things too much. I feel like I want to be on a diet but I don't at the same time! It makes no difference anyway cos I want to keep eating this way cos it's healthy.

 

[missy1978]

I was the same on mat leave, I finished work at 37 weeks and was really struggling to get around by them! I would just spend the days on the sofa watching telly or reading! Once I went to the local shop and it took me half an hour - it usually only takes 5 mins! My back was so sore and I was literally waddling! You are probably sick of hearing this, but do make the most of the time you have now to rest as much as you can. I appreciate you might not get much sleep, but just sitting with your feet up can make a huge difference! You won't get much time for chilling out once baby arrives! I really do wish I'd done more reading!

I know what you mean with struggling, I am mega uncomfortable today - I think baby is starting to engage and I'm so sore and tired! I'd be useless at work by now

 

[missy1978]

So, I joined SW with the aim of losing a bit of weight cos I was in between sizes and wanted to shift a bit so some jeans would fit me again. Well I put them on today and they fit. And while I'm really happy about this I'm also not sure about what it all means now. Do I want to carry on and lose more weight? Do I want to keep going to class? Do I want to call target - I don't actually even know if I've lost any this week?! I think about these things too much. I feel like I want to be on a diet but I don't at the same time! It makes no difference anyway cos I want to keep eating this way cos it's healthy.

That's a dilemma, do you feel like this is where you want to be for good? It might be that you call target for a bit but then reset lower? Nothing wrong with doing that. Some people find that they go straight through their target and need to reset lower! It's just finding where your body wants to be and I think maintaining isn't that difficult once you find it...

 

[Mrs CC]

Thanks Missy, I've been trying a load of clothes on today and I have some black pants that are still tight too. I reckon I could do with losing another 5-7lbs for them to fit. So I'm aiming for that now. It just feels strange to think I've started this journey and it might be over already. I don't feel like I've fixed my issues with food yet though.

We cleared out a load of old clothes today and at the risk of doing something crazy I threw out a load of smaller clothes! I know so many people want to lose weight to fit into old clothes, but I just looked through everything and I thought it wasn't 'me' anymore! It was all dressy super girly stuff and I'm just not comfortable in that anymore! Don't get me wrong, I still like to make an effort, but I'm happier in jeans and a pretty top than I am in a dress these days.

I've just changed so much in this last year. I feel like I was depressed for a long time before I had little man and was trying to hide it with fancy clothes and make up and straight hair. Now I feel more comfortable with who I am I don't have to hide it.

 

[Mrs CC]

I went to the pub today and had a salad. Oh my god! It was actually quite nice - roast pepper with low fat philli and sweet chilli sauce. Yummy yummy.

We went round Cheshire oaks today and I'm feeling all festive now. Problem is I'm also in danger of a binge tomorrow cos I'm feeling the whole 'I want crap cos it's christmas' and then feeling deprived cos I don't have it! Urgh. I hate all these emotions around food!

 

[missy1978]

I think it's more about addressing food issues than getting to a certain weight really! Losing weight is a very good way to see what you've been hiding behind though. I had so many crutches (overeating, smoking,drinking) and now I have nothing to hide behind. It's an odd feeling that takes a lot of getting used to.

Cheshire Oaks? You brave woman! I was up near there last week visiting the in laws, didn't brave it but did see the huge Xmas tree on the local news xxx

 

[Mrs CC]

I think it's more about addressing food issues than getting to a certain weight really! Losing weight is a very good way to see what you've been hiding behind though. I had so many crutches (overeating, smoking,drinking) and now I have nothing to hide behind. It's an odd feeling that takes a lot of getting used to.

Cheshire Oaks? You brave woman! I was up near there last week visiting the in laws, didn't brave it but did see the huge Xmas tree on the local news xxx

Yeh, they've had that xmas tree for years, dunno why it's suddenly got all the interest this year?! Although you can go inside it this year which you've never been able to do before. It wasn't too busy thank god! But we left LO with SIL for the afternoon so we didn't have to worry about the pram.

Do you live up in the North west? We live in North Wales (technically only just over the border from Chester tho!) and I work in The Port so am down the oaks quite a bit.

Yeh, I don't really think my issue is with my weight as such, it's with my eating habits and I'm afraid I'll never deal with them. Already I've thought to myself that things would be better if I wasn't going to SW and didn't have the pressure of a WI each week. But in reality I know that I only want to stop having a WI each week so I can eat what I want. And right now that means twixs, cadburys and cakes!!